Financially supporting another

MissMelisandre​(dom female) • Aug 17, 2020

I think there are two interesting considerations related to this topic, understanding this is from the perspective of a female domme.

1) Financial slavery. I know there are findommes online and I have seen much written about the idea of a slave providing all of their income to their Mistress as part of TPE. I have never found dominance through finances to be something that appeals to me. There are so many more fun ways to express power over a sub and if I needed to rely on a sub to pay my bills it would really give him power over me, wouldn't it? So I never really expect financial slavery from my subs, though gifts, spoiling etc. are always welcome!

2) A more interesting approach for me is when the sub relies entirely on me financially. Luckily, I have the means to have been able to have been in a couple of such relationships with younger subs and I must say it greatly added to the power dynamic where I had the ability to control their spending etc. at my will.

Re: Financially supporting another

LordofPain56 • Aug 18, 2020

Hmmm.....well, I'm old school, so in my heyday, the male head-of-household was normally intended to be the breadwinner, coupled with the fact that I never intended to be extremely wealthy (and certainly never came off to anyone as if I was), it never entered my mind that I felt I was being used just for financial security.
Fact is, I always subconsciously tried to hide that I had lots of extra spending cash in various ways; living in a 90 year old house, driving a 65 year old car, shopping at discount grocers and wearing cheap clothing, etc, so that people would think I was poor and perhaps unable to provide for them in a relationship.
It worked real well, No one ever came running to me to ask my hand in marriage, haha.
I do agree with one thing though. I have seen security marriages and relationships based solely upon the Alpha's ability to provide. No love there at all. I'd rather be dead than be in one of those.

Master Rob • Aug 18, 2020

This topic for me is very interesting, and i would like to respond to Sasa, i respectfully disagree, “ that it is none, you already left”. I dont feel quite that way, for me, its more conditional love versus unconditional love, i know the books talk magically about unconditional love, but i have never experienced it, honestly, maybe with my first wife, perhaps. But with my second wife, it was pretty much financial for her, for me, i was “in love” and i did what i could for her and our family. So she stayed home and took care of the child, and i went to work. I didn’t really think about the roles, until later.

No marriage is perfect, and people will consciously or subconsciously think about what they give to the marriage and /or what they are receiving in the marriage. The trick is to communicate this with each other, but that doesn’t mean, they have left, or the marriage doesnt exist.

To tall slender guy, (sub male), i applaud you and ur determination and motivation to better yourself. But not only that, you didn’t allow the court system to permanently dictate to you , your life. Which the courts often do, in my opinion. Congrats on getting your BSN, and i hope your happier now, you are in a profession that gives to people and you give to society a tremendous service. Thank you for your dedication, particularly in this Covid life and laying it on the line every day. You are a hero in my book!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 18, 2020

For me, probably the hardest part of 'feeling used' as a financial source was that it made the notion of our relationship being based on love an illusion, like it was role play.
Your comment about needing to rely on a sub to pay your bills giving the sub power over you, to me, speaks of illusion too. To me, the real story would in the background would be, pretending to be in a D/s dynamic as part of the requirement for support. To me, that kind of arrangement is like paying an actor or sex worker. If that's what two people want and agree openly about it, that's their choice. It's the lying and pretending of connection that kills me with this.

On the second point. That makes sense to me, that there would be a greater exercise of power if i were dependent on another financially. i can't imagine myself in that position because i would fear the same thing for my partner, that at some point they would question or feel that i was in it for the financial support. That's transference of my own feelings, but i'm not sure i could change those fears/feelings even if i rationally knew otherwise? Which would make it a particularly penetrating mind fuck for me lol.

Hisproclivity​(sub female) • Aug 18, 2020

Case by case. Some Doms love the stay at home sub and some Doms love nice vacations and dual income. Some subs love being the homemaker and some love running a company.

Everyone is different, but I do like the idea of them coming into a fresh relationship employed. EVERYONE should be self sufficient.

TeachMeSomeManners • Aug 19, 2020

There is SO MUCH to unpack in this thread! I love it!

There is no one-sized fits all solution. Everyone has their own definition of what self-sufficient means. Being able to support oneself or self-sufficient has very little to do with work or a job. Yes, these can provide the means but they do not necessarily equate to being self-sufficient. There is so much more to being self-sufficient than just money.

I agree that money should not matter. OH! But it does. Two people's view on money in their relationship has to be on the same wavelength. Not just in dollars and cents, but in the role money plays in the relationship. What is the value placed on it?

STORYTIME! When my ex -husband and I were dating, he was a bartender. I worked in payroll. He became a restaurant manager. He made more money than I did. Yet he couldn't remember to pay his bills. (The power was turned off more than once.) We got married. He quit his job and became a background actor. I became a manager. I made more money. I paid our bills. I put money into our joint account. He did not. He took money out of the joint account, unbeknownst to me. I did the grocery shopping. I came home after work to make dinner, to clean the house, to do my laundry (he would only do his!)

One afternoon, we met up with some friends for drinks. I was running late due to work. He left for a softball game about 20 minutes after I got there. When it came to settle up, my friend asked, "How does it feel to be a Sugar Momma?" I thought about it. I was paying bills, rent, for dinners out, date nights, his clothes, medical expenses... Everything.

A few days later, I was reviewing the bank account. Behind me I heard, "Is that all the money you have?"

I lost it. I broke down. I was the breadwinner, I was feeling used, and I was exhausted. I was getting nothing in return, not a little gratitude, not a little emotional support, not a little moral support, not even a little help around the house. I tried to have an adult conversation about it, to no avail. Money became part of our undoing. He viewed money only in the here and now. I have it, I spend it. I view money as a means to a future. Yes, you can spend some... once you've paid the bills and put a little away for a big purchase or a vacation or just to have some savings so one can continue to be self-sufficient.

So I get it, friend. Yep. I'm with ya! One needs to be self-sufficient to be considered relationship-ready.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 19, 2020

People like to pretend they're "self sufficient" just because they have a job.

... Then they end up not being able to handle so many other things because they never looked past that.

Life tossed me lemons. Ended up helping people. Those in denial. Some were suicidal. Just listening and talking about shit. Knowing what common mistakes to never make that so many "self sufficient" people do.

It's such little seemingly simple things. And yet so many employed people make mistakes that can be easily avoided. First it harms others but in the end you look at yourself.

Here's the truth. If you can't help others and go "It's not my job" (which a lot of people do with matters beyond jobs) then I say it's life. By this I mean you can leave the job behind when you head home. Whatever "job" might mean, depending on who you ask.

But you can't ever leave behind yourself. You bring your personal life WITH you when you go to a job. You might try to hide it and brush it under the rug, but people find out eventually.

The irony is if you can handle it maybe THEY can't. Despite the fact they been in work longer and pretend to know more while being judgemental. Ok, can someone please tell me why someone "self sufficient" is acting like that when someone that's piss poor without work has never decided for others or looked down on anyone?

Don't care if you're working or not. The fact of the matter is this. Are you a "better person" before trying to claim the moral high ground? Or do you break down and cave in and have trust issues and act like others are to blame when you claim no responsibility?

In my experience and observations, you get a mixed bag in either area. Maybe you can stop someone "taking advantage" (which, to be blunt, is your trust issues) but you're not stopping that happening in other areas. What it boils down too is 1: Getting over the fear of mistrust (this includes your own fear of coming across as someone that takes advantage) and 2: Making sure the other person has a good head on their shoulders in events that really matter. Like "are they careless" and "Do they let mistakes happen".

Perhaps the biggest mistake when it comes to work is people that work too much. Imagine someone being awake for thirty six hours. Because when you work that much you want what happiness you can get in life when you're not on the clock.

Meanwhile it's been proven that family ran business have much less stress and run smoother. People that are closer get better results. Probably because people aren't fearing for their job and feel "forced" too. You can also take things more easy in this kind of environment. There's a good reason people that have courses for coding have computer games and drinks in the location. Relaxing in and of itself is a very important part of reducing stress and feeling drained. This in turn gets better results. Provided someone doesn't get "too" lazy.

Some people know how to find a balance. Some don't. Likewise some people mistrust easily and become too strict. Not trusting those under them to get better results if they went at their own pace. Did the work THEIR way, even it seems otherwise.

The standard working environment can be one full of fear and mistrust. You're forced to be "self" sufficient because when push comes to shove, can you rely on them? Really?

submissivehousewife​(sub female) • Aug 20, 2020

If you feel used in the relationship, than you probably are. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having one partner work and one partner stay home. So long as they both contribute to the relationship in some way. If the person you're financially supporting just sits at home all day on their phone while the house is filthy, they're likely using you. If they make sure to have the house spotless, the clothes washed, and dinner ready than they are contributing in a way that is beneficial to both of you, just like you going to work is. And believe it or not, being a homemaker is hard work. Maybe I'm biased because I believe in traditional gender roles 🙃

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 20, 2020

Thank you for responding, sharing your thoughts and some of your story!

i agree, there is no one-size fits all answer to this. i agree with those who say this is a person to person assessment.

To me, it's not the money that matters, but what the money may represent. "Money" is just the token or exchange for the effort and energy one puts out.

The other side of 'the coin' is someone has to do something that results in survival and quality of life. i'd love to stay at home if i could, but no one is volunteering to pay the bills, buy me food, etc.. i do both jobs. i'm a home maker and a breadwinner. i clean the house, do the laundry, keep up the yard. my whole backyard is under cultivation, i grow a lot of my own food. i have long term experience doing both, and keeping a home has always been less work, less stress, less time. i did this when i was married and breadwinner too. i did half the household chores... actually more than, so it is not as if i am unaware of what the stay at home person does. Are all relationships like this? Of course not, but obviously some are and our stories bear witness to the fact that some people are more than happy to let someone else carry the lions share of the weight of subsistance.

The truth is, neither of us relied on our mates, we were self reliant and self sufficient. They relied on us, they were not self reliant or self sufficient, or if they were capable of it, they chose not to contribute wholly to the relationship. To me, the key to this is, if i or the other person was alone, would we make it on our own, doing all the things it takes to subsist? That, to me, is what one brings into a relationship. i do not see relationship as two halves making a whole, but two whole people making something together.

Every persons 'wholeness' is different, but to me a partner relationship is different from a dependent relationship. Personally, i want a partner, not a dependent. I get that some people want to be dependent or have a dependent, that's part of the discussion, and i appreciate hearing about those peoples take on this as well. i don't think they are 'right' or 'wrong' for their particular position, but i wouldn't want them for a mate. On either side. i would not want to be on either side of the equation, 'paying for' or 'paid for.'

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 20, 2020

I have to agree that I have felt used for money at times I guess i am too trusting I wound up with sizeable debt twice because they wanted money before meeting well I am not doing that anymore. I felt like an atm and a doormat I swore i would never be either I do agree that when you are in a relationship and not just online which is fine if that is established before beginning but if it gets comes later in and the dom or domme does not meet you but demands money after you have fallen for them then I say cut your losses unless as i said you are in a fin dom situation