My Sub talking to her old online dom

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 23, 2020

You turned your phone away because you don't want it to be SEEN. That's hiding. Though you may not realise that on a conscious (aware) level. It's more subconscious (instinct/habit). Granted, the existence of what's on it is known and made aware already, but in that point in time when you turn your phone aware you're trying to "hide" what's on it. Hiding and secrets aren't the same thing. What you refer too is "secret keeping".

Exposure gets people over feelings of shame. Even fear. Regardless of how much something may be disliked or even hated at first (context: Even close minded stubborn people get used to things in time and exposure. Proof of there being nothing to be afraid of through experience). The more you "hide" something the more shame you will feel. That's not to say you should wave it around either. Just, you know, treat it like it's no big deal. If things are already established with your partner then it shouldn't be an issue.

Unless they specifically state they don't want to see it. Even if they did they might want too due to feeling conflicted or changing their mind. Judgement calls on a case by case bases there (logic applies to other situations as well). The real issue with situations like this is when someone does something with others that you're (at least partly) aware of but AREN'T involving you. That's where it gets ugly. But provided you're involved yourself then it all checks out.

somethingclever​(sub female){Searching} • Sep 23, 2020

As a submissive, I find my Dominants intoxicating and often psychologically present in my thoughts throughout the day. When I’m no longer in a relationship with that dominant, my brain still craves them. For me, the only way I can truly move forward is when someone else takes that place in my life and mind.
I certainly frown upon a sub talking to a previous dominant- I see it like dating and finding out your partner is talking to their ex- but I don’t know enough about your relationship to judge it. Doms can have limits too- I would encourage you to communicate this as a limit.

It’s possible the sub hasn’t yet moved on from their last dom. If that’s the case and nothings changing, I’d say you deserve better and should seek a submissive who is ready to commit to you without strings attached to someone else.

Point seen.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Sep 23, 2020

[quote="Taramafor"]

I agree. This is what I interpreted it as, since she did not get defensive when asked about it. That she thought it was no big deal. I understand too what you mean between the difference of hiding and secret keeping. But all the idiosyncrasies can get overly complicated.

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Sep 23, 2020

Oh this... all of this!



Also.....Not every submissive needs a white knight to swoop in and “handle” unsolicited messages. Some people are actually able to ignore or respond to them as they want, rather than have a big bad domly dom message and say “leave my sub alone”.... and devils advocate... perhaps they are just friends. Does every thing have to be gloom and doom? If I had to stress about every message my submissive receives that I’m not privy to, I’d be a basket case, but then again we hide nothing from each other.

It seems to me that she was pretty straight forward and honest about who it was and what their relationship consisted of You could let your balls drop and ask to see the messages rather than let your mind spin out of control. Better to know than wonder.

If she’s your submissive and you didn’t vet for control over such things then you probably should go back to the table. Sounds like you are new and I wonder how new exactly.... if she’s got experience and you do not, you should look for a mentor and do some mega research.

Draiocht​(dom male) • Sep 23, 2020

Does everyone not have a "Block number" feature on their phone? Or is that just an Android thing.

Talking with an ex

PawPawGirl​(sub female){Azzabackam} • Sep 23, 2020

Sometimes a connection is still there, even if it is no longer physical or partner-ish.

I share all communication with my dom, and there have been a couple #no fly zone" directives from him, to which I absolutely understand why and fully agree.

I want to be completely transparent with my partner, and I expect the same in return. Not because I don't trust him, but because I am extremely protective of our relationship. I know he feels the same.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 23, 2020

I have no issue if my subs talk to former owners, playmates or sex partners. In short I have trust in their ability to deal with PITA people! Also if you started a relationship/union/agreement with a Dominant and did it right to begin with, you would of started as friends first and foremost, there is no reason why you cannot return to such (or at least try) with an "ex".

The OP didn't hide the message when asked. She turned her phone away to pay attention to the Dominant she was with. she is a grown assed submissive, if she isn't she shouldn't be doing BDSM. I'm sure she can block her own PITA if they go that way. Women do kill their own spiders too! If you do feel you need to be her whiteknight, maybe ask if she needs one first and what actual level of submission she requires to give. Then see if you still match. BDSM is never a one size fits all.

I can however see **IF** the submissive is spending more time online or on her phone with the ex and that practice is taking away from the Dominant time and training,..then yeah sure step in and talk to her. Ask he why she talks to him? Also ask yourself as Dominant, why is it a problem?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 24, 2020

Welp. I see I have to get really personal with this after that response. Regardless of what you think in the end I think you'll find it insightful if nothing else. This is going to end up becoming about ALL concerns. Yea, long read. But brace yourself. It very much has to do with partners.

First thing's first. You're taking a "replacement" attitude to this. No one has to be replaced. Making that very clear before I get into my "vent/rant". When it comes to multiple people I always make sure THAT is established first and foremost. Before anything else. Not for me, it assures them that I'll continue to invest the time and effort. Of which I do. If this is established then where is the danger/harm? Beyond your own personal "Hurt feelings" of which likely exist due to assuming the worst (Often illogically and irrationally I will add).

Here's a statistic fact. That what people fear is NOT the truth. Unless we're covering "fear itself". Of which is easy to do. There's also people that act entitled/obligated without proper communication. But that's another matter I'll not get into.

"Toss aside like shit". Good luck when you have concerns about things others don't approve of and you are looked down on. If that's how you treat others... That just shows you are NOT someone that can be relied on in hard times IMO. Do you even know the advice you give? Not sarcasm. Rhetorical. Am pointing out for a reason.

I've been mocked at. Laughed at in my face. "not approved of". Not just with "poly" but other matters too, but still "that approach" to the situation. Because of the lack of understanding. That's what's really feared by people. The unknown. The often irrational dread. STATISTICALLY It's more likely to be "fear itself". Not what you fear. There will be the few "bad eggs" of course but that's where TRUST factors in. And even bad eggs can learn to be honest and upfront. They won't have a choice if it keeps them sane and you challenge them enough. Their own safety regardless of interactions with you will drive them. I use this to MY advantage. That "What's if it's others". I take "others" and use it as a weapon and a shield. Oh, you're looking down on ME? Well, what's your excuse when it was that other person you care about too? Ha! They can't use me an an excuse there. This benefits me. Others save my bacon.

Here's the thing. There are People that mocked me, looked down on me, laughed in my face. BUT they're someone I can RELY on in the worst of situations. Because they know they hate being that kind of person and would never hurt me that way again. They. Hate. Being. Toxic. Not just toxic (toxic I can handle) but DESTRUCTIVE. They didn't approve of THEMSELVES. How they caused pain and suffering with "deaf ears and turned backs" (You don't stick around to see it if you're not even THERE). And this is someone that actually did toss me aside in the past. Always the way isn't it? People having to make those (none) mistakes before realising how harmful it is (provided they keep in touch to ACTUALLY find out instead of assuming). But what of you "somethingclever"? Do you approve of that toxic behaviour you know you make? Genially asking. You know what you do. Don't play innocent. Don't pretend your exes are to blame for it. Surely they've done their own bad things but it's very obvious you've got more then your fair share of responsibility for unhealthy events. And right now yes I'm setting that example but I'm really sick of hypocrites and people that play the blame game right now (technically I am blaming you but someone has to get you to examine yourself).

Your comment has made me so concerned that I want you to look into a mirror and take a good long look at yourself and consider that. Not just you actually, everyone do it. To consider if YOU was the one in that kind of situation. That even with your best efforts to avoid it, that no matter how "impossible" it might seem (I sure as hell didn't expect to be in the middle of people), YOU might find yourself in the middle of two (or more) people and feel like you're FORCED to choose between them or have your life completely and utterly destroyed. Can you tell me you know what that's like? To be MADE to choose between people? To be TOLD "Cut them off"? to have that control TAKEN away? If not then any advice you give is missing the other side of the fence. Much easier to be "done" right? EASY, yes. But right? In my experience (and observations) what's easy is is harmful. Even destructive. Unfortunately it's actually OFTEN destructive (in general. Not just with me). It's why 9/10 people won't be worth it. Because "fear consumes". Then leads to going "I know what's best". When they don't know enough to even know. Was bullshit when I did it. It's bullshit when you do it. Hate the old me. Hate you right now. No apologies, no excuses. I shamelessly state you would obviously TURN YOUR BACK on someone far too easily in hard times and this raises concerns about how you would put people in danger because of that. If that's the advice you give it's likely the advice you follow. To "Toss aside in hard times". I don't consider you equal to anyone because you're your own person. But if you do that to others what's stopping them doing it TO you? And what example are you setting for others? Have you at any point considered that before said advice was given? (rhetorical. But answer yourself)

Spotlighting someone. MAKING them choose. As if it's YOUR choice. Or if not that then ABANDONING them for not doing what YOU want. Normally I'd say "Care enough to look after my happiness yourself" . But in THIS situation people feel like they HAVE too. Are FORCED too. Normally I'd say this can be a good thing at times. But this is PEOPLE. This is others circling back on someone you care about. Who will circle back on YOU in turn. REGARDLESS of the outcome. And what you think you want might not be what you need. I am heading somewhere with this. Why, you might even be proud of me for following your advice in the past... Let that thought sink in for a moment. I want you to know that. To know that your advice was followed.

If I've been harsh it's to paint the picture. And then... They actually do it. You get what you want. there you go, you can smile now. Took a side one way or the other. But this can lead to events going even worse. MUCH worse then if you had simply tried to work things out together. I did that once... Made that choice between people... Went insane. All it did was fuel mistrust and fear. And self guilt for the person that got their wish. This further lead to self destructive tendencies (all around). None of this was considered before you gave your advice was it? How someone else might end up in that kind of situation.

Even if someone turns their back on people from the past they can still carry then in their "heart" so to speak (the choice of absence is what drove me insane). You'll always have the painful memories if nothing else. Especially if they blow their brains out... Living might not be much better. That could even potentially destroy someone if they feel they're FORCED to stay away. I repeat. F.O.R.C.E.D. That is what it is if you BLACKMAIL someone with the "I'll be done with you otherwise" card. Speaking from experience on that account. Feeling TRAPPED. Two people at each others throats. Isolated myself. Went insane. Learned a lot through the experience though. But "Ditch them or be ditched," right? Yea, that's what I thought. My old ex had a saying. "That just doesn't make you a shit partner. It makes you a shit friend." But what are these but safe labels to hide behind? I wasn't just a shit X or Y. I was a shit PERSON. I needed to hear it before I got the wake up call. Maybe you do too. Who knows.

If you love someone (or otherwise have any kind of loyalty or strong attachment) then you don't ditch them and toss them aside like garbage just because you don't approve of something they're doing. Nor does it mean they care less about you (if you toss someone aside like garbage you're clearly assuming otherwise). That makes YOU the unfaithful/disloyal one. that makes YOU the traitor. I highly doubt you stick around to even find out what those situations are if you resort to giving that kind of advice. Maybe you've met some people that did have it coming, but what if you're wrong and never found out? More importantly, what if people that treated you badly would have changed if you just stuck around? How do you possibly know if you're "better off without them" if you never stuck around to find out that answer? For context people often make that pathetic excuse but then find out things go very well once they're there for each other (properly. Not that half assed pushing away BS). Instead of holding back because of whatever concerns they have.

This comes down to time, effort and activity. In THAT order. You need the time to see/make effort. You need effort to make things happen (activity). Very simple, very basic pattern that makes things fall into place. Is this ACTUALLY threatened or do you ASSUME it is? Is it REALLY taking up too much time logically or do you let your FEELINGS make an inaccurate deduction? Are YOU the one that struggles in the area and need help with balancing/maintaining it properly before you blame others so easily? These are the things to be aware of. To use our heads over our emotions. Ok, so let's say you don't like a situation. But WHY is the situation happening? What's the REASON for it other then the obvious? There's always a good reason if you look hard enough. And never a good one if you never bothered to find out and turned your back at the first opportunity.

That's to say nothing of situations where people get tossed out of home and then suddenly you miss them. Knowing YOU'RE the reason they go insane every day. All because of the mistrust. Yea yea, "guilt tripping" but does anyone want to feel that way? Being misunderstood does that. Oh, was my constant explaining bothering you? Muting... Then it's all missed. Funny how people want what they don't like. Communication isn't fun and games. But it makes sure you can get that.

We ALL have strings from the past. You can not escape it even when you leave behind the people. You're trying to leave behind "the baggage" but you CAN'T. It's impossible. You carry it with you. Always. Trying to "flee" from that is what makes it WORSE and threatens SANITY. I have to stress this. You continue to pull BS with people, you play the blame game, refusing to admit responsibility for what you do. Because you can't handle it. Boo hoo. Yea, mocking. But I'm so done with sympathy. It's weak. It is weakness. It is pathetic. Even I look down on childish excuses to turn your back easily. Why would I ever trust anyone that does that? But more to the point, why would YOU? Right back at ya.

Add being tossed aside like garbage on the list and it's a recipe for suicidal tendencies... Also stating I knew someone that blew their brains out after fallouts with someone I know (A BIG drive towards making sure things go well with people around. Others WILL circle back on you even when you want to flee). Will you even stick around to see the pain? Consider why YOU hurt them instead of blaming? Nah, you stopped caring right? After you tossed someone aside... You'll tell yourself. Told myself the same bullshit once. But it's still bullshit. "Blame others. Burn the world because no one's loyal." Pah. But with people turning their backs that easily is it any wonder? I became what I hated at the time. I see YOU being that. But between the two of us in 9/10 situations (possibly 10/10 now? It is always counter productive) I can "be there" and not flee from you. I'll never fall into the trap of denial and pretend not to care when I know I do. People do care when they do stupid shit. When they complain. When they say the don't. They just don't want to "feel" it. Because, get this, they're FRAGILE. I'm not mocking that. But I do state those that can't even ADMIT it can't be trusted if they don' acknowledge their own weakness. I repeat ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR OWN INABILITY. Not play the blame game.

Why the bloody hell do people go "I don't care, I'm done with you" and THEN go "I miss you and I want you here"? It's like people don't even THINK. And the truth is they don't. Let's go with what we "feel like" right? Sigh... More logic please. More foresight. Stopping the self loathing for doing that stupid crap would be nice too. Honestly, knowing how counter productive it is, knowing it ALWAYS does more harm then good, why do people do it? So far my only answer is "Because they're idiots and don't consider things in full before lashing out". Do people really have to SEE the pain they cause before they understand? There's a reason people try to hide that. They don't want them to see YOU'RE the reason they suffer. Makes you feel like the threat too. Like you might only ever harm them if around. But the truth is you can be the very same person that gives their life meaning again even if you are. You thought they didn't care. Thought you were "replaced". So why do they suffer so much then? If they could go to someone else that easily yet can't handle being without you? Yea, no, can't "just get over it". Doesn't work that way at times. YOU matter too much. get it now? You, the person that inflicts the worst kind of pain on the face of the earth, matter. And you FELT like you didn't. But here's a newsflash. YOUR FEELINGS BETRAYED YOU if that's the situation. No sugar coating. That's on you. Sheez. Even if someone is happy with another there's every possibility they're going insane when you don't look. But meh, leave them behind I guess. No skin off your back, right?

Now here's the thing. How many people CONSIDER THE RISKS PROPERLY before lashing out or making that decision? Think about it. Do people really think carefully and clearly to that extent before making a call? Consider the pain they'll be inflicting or how they might not know as much as they assume? Because I really think 9/10 people don't. And this lack of awareness is why people get hurt so easily. Mistrust so easily. Feelings and even comfort zones aren't an excuse to override logic (eg: feeling threatened). LOGIC is logic. That's the only thing that will save you, it's the only thing that will save them. The only thing that will save you from me too (so be glad I always strive for it). And if that means having to save the third person involved then so be it because I care about your sanity and peace of mind. But if that's happening we're making sure we get out time and effort with each other without it coming it our expense. And again we hit an area that a lot of people don't even want to consider. That they CHOOSE to not even REFLECT on. That they might NOT be threatened if they gave it more (positive) thought. Remember, I once isolated myself because I saw the worst of everything. I have been that close minded person. But now? Anything but.

But nevermind all that. It's all negative. It's so easy to be negative. Fun can blind, wanting to see the worst blinds. Not saying do that. I'm saying all is made aware, said and done. Do this with your partner. With NONE partners. With everyone. Get it out there and follow the next most important step. Whatever the concern, whatever the situation.

Instead consider what holds you together. Focus on that. Address concerns, sure, but why are you there for each other? BLAM! Suddenly the concerns seem less threatening. Is living in fear and jumping to conclusions really worth the wasted time? When you can be joking, laughing, enjoying the time you have here and now? Oh yea, sure, you'll have concerns. And I do too. But I don't let it STOP me. And you shouldn't let it stop you either. Now if THEY do that that's where things get tricky. But before worrying about all that what EXAMPLE are YOU setting yourself? So, yea, situation sucks. Here I am. Most volatile threatening situation ever when being threatened (with knives no less. Verbally). But crack a joke, laugh, play. Do it anyway. It made all the hate and pain fade away. If you don't do that then you're not making the best of the time you have together. It's honestly that simple. If easier said then done at times. talking people out of suicide is childs play after that. If I can handle my ex and turn that into fun and games I can handle anything. Ha! It's funny because it's actually true. "Quickly turning anger to laughter" in tense situations.

Look at someone that can easily play yet still be understanding and honest (none of that "I see the worst of you" crap). Even on a shit day. There's a reason they have that talent. Why they're that easy going and understanding. It's something I admire. Something that in all likelihood was forged through sweat blood and fire. To have been THAT far gone and somehow not only survive but thrive. No matter what's tossed a them. To be completely "unphased" by your threats. You won't get your way, but you're sure as hell going to respect them for having a spine and not respond negatively at you. I seriously think that kid of talent goes unappreciated.

Moral of the story? Make the most of the time you DO have instead of worrying so much. 'Cus if YOU'RE worrying all the time it's not being spent well. But don't blame "them". Blame your OWN inability to turn around a bad situation. I've gotten so good at this I can do it when someone is suicidal or is armed (pull it off or someone dies. Pretty damn strong incentive). "Laughter even after a fallout". That's what you'll remember. What you should remember. The laughter. The fun times together. That's not to say you should force yourself to laugh. But, you know, fixate on the negatives less and positives more? You might FEEL like being stuck in a rut. And that's really distressing. But if you choose positivity (and remind your partner to do the same) it gets so much easier to make the choice to get out of it. Tell yourself that option and you can make the choice. Don't go "Do this, don't do that". Just go "Enjoy what we have. Be here for each other". And the rest falls into place. You will of course have to balance "time among other things" (be it activities, hobbies, people, etc) but the key word is BALANCE. Not "My way alone". Being a dom, even being selfish is one thing. But don't be that person that only takes.

shortylotus​(dom female){Valuedom} • Sep 24, 2020

I personally like having all the cards on the table upfront. If talking to other doms including ones that she was involved with was an issue for you, then this should have been clarified in the very start. Just because she didn't bring this up while being tied to bed or something doesn't make her not being truthful.. she told you about him and him about you. There is a certain amount of respect that goes both ways, along with that comes trust. Being insecure and jealous are just symptoms for when the other two are the real problem. Unfortunately thats an issue that may not have anything to do her.

Bunnie • Sep 24, 2020

“Now to my question - I dont know if I am aloud or can tell her not to speak to him.”

You’ve (I think unknowingly) touched on quite a nerve within the community. I am of the mindframe that yes, you’re well within your rights to tell her you don’t want her to speak with someone... especially if they’re toxic and you can see how much she’s affected by them. If it’s based on jealousy though, that’s simply a bandaid and not addressing the actual issue... so it won’t be the last time that’s an issue.

Ultimately though, the way I see it is that the question isn’t about whether you can allow her to speak to him or not... it’s about what is the best decision for both of you from the perspective of aiming towards the goal of becoming your best selves. If you were coming from the place of being your best self as her Dominant... how do you think would be best way to handle it for both her, you, and your dynamic? Or look at it another way... if a friend came and asked you the same question... what advice would you give them?