Silent Observations

One of my most favorite things is sitting in silence, watching the waves roll in as I sit on the sand. Especially on dusk. When I get to watch the sky turn from bright blue to pinks and purples. To then bath me in Navy and darkness as I follow the moons light back to my destination. Watching its reflecting dance over the waves and shine on the newly wet sand.

To see the birds looking for their last meal.

For the crowds to disappear and its only me the beach and the odd fisherman.

Breathing in deep the salty air. It has such a calming affect on me. Playing with the sand, collecting shells and trinkets the ocean offers up.

The massaging of my feet as I walk. It is all so beautiful. Just thought I would share some of my paradise with you mob xx

Over the past few weeks I have had a realisation. My life has had some dramatic changes recently and it has made me stop and think about my actions. I had a moment the other week. I freaked out with a dear friend of mine. We were progressing nicely and i was pretty sure i was happy. I was.... for a few hours. Then my thoughts came creeping. I started to feel the guilts and the what ifs. I seem to do my own undoing. BUT is this such a negative thing? To push back and say hey i need some space. This is not working for me.

It's ok to not know what I want. Because this means there is no cookie cut formula for the way my life should go, rather I am accepting more the opportunities that might come my way. And doing more of the things that are important to me.

Its also ok to be alone. I was rushing. I think I felt that need to be needed. I have been needed for so long that now that no one needs me it is an odd feeling. It frightened the pants off of me. And not that I was jumping at the first person who came along. I wasn't. BUT I was trying to force things that may not have been there. So i am slowing down. Sometimes no amount of talking and reassuring can make it better. Because I simply was not ready.

I was asked the usual question the other day. "So what are you looking for?" I used to answer this question with either a negative comment or detailed list of what i desired out of a dominant. But for the first time i answered without hesitation. Im looking for friendship. Plain and simple and it felt good. Because I was answering from my heart. Honest with the most important person..... myself. I have been playing tricks on myself. Lying and cheating.

I am nowhere near ready to contemplate being with someone. Devoting myself to someone when i have only been alone for such a short period of time. When i am ready I know it will feel natutal. I did not realise until this week exactly how picky i am. And also a lot of my own faults came to light. My unemotional self feels very little right now. It is not soft and loving like it usually is. Because it is healing. It is rebooting and new software updates take time.

Recognizing that I'm not in a position to let anyone in i think is a responsible recognition. Im ok being heartless, im ok pushing people away a little, im ok with the fact im alone. There are days I know that i wont be so ok and that is expected. Learning to love myself first is most important

Love my growing thigh high sock collection......... meow xx

Its amazing how something as simple as a singular thought can trap you. You can hold that thought close to you until it consumes you. Until you beleive it is true and forget all other realities. You beleive it is you because because you desire it so much. For whatever reason. You might just feel naked without it. Scared to think anything different is possible because that singular thought has fueled you for so long. It angers you, comforts you and holds your throat so you can't speak, empowers and disables you........ that one stupid thought....... too powerful to ignore, too simple in its execution to be right....... yet still it sits there........in the cold waiting to come out.........sometimes i wish it never came to me.

My fear is not that I won't find somebody to love and care for me. But quiet the opposite. That I am so closed off that i wont allow myself to love anybody. To feel as much as I desire to. I have had those feelings before and I want them again. But time I feel has not been my friend for the last few years. It has dulled me. I was with someone who loved me greatly yet I was unable to love them back. I felt empty. I forced those feelings and actions because it was what was expected of me.

Yes some of that is his fault. For ignoring my needs for years. Even my simple needs were not met (and im not speaking physically).

So I learned to take care of myself within a relationship. When I left I thought I would have this clarity..... but I don't. In no way do I regret my decision but i guess I thought it would feel more..... final.

But i guess because I was busy taking care of myself within the relationship that now it does not feel that different outside of it. Even though he tells me he's breaking I feel nothing. Maybe I'm more heartless than I realized.

I just hope I don't stay in this state forever. Stuck in a never ending cycle. Im not waiting for someone to save me, but i am waiting for someone to open me up again.

What I fear the most is myself......

Something i have noticed in the way people speak is when they seperate their vanilla self from their kink self. I find this a strange concept. As i am simply myself. A little dash of this and a little dash of that. I try not to put myself in a box accept to say that i am a submissive because.... well I am lol.

I feel though that by seperating yrself from an element of your life makes your life more difficult than what it needs to be. I feel once you accept that you are simply you. Vanilla you, kink you, the parent, the teacher, the sibling, the lover. Yes there are definitely parts of our kinky lives that the outside world does not understand. And im not talking about shouting from the roof tops your deepest desires. What i am speaking of is the internal struggle we go through when transitioning. I am still deep in this process and i dont pretend to know it all. Infact i know very little. But i feel accepting yourself, all of yourself as a part of who you are makes the process much easier.

We do all live a slight double life (like a superhero lol) some more than others but both elements of your life can mix together and live in unison. Like paying your bills online while naked or in your fav fetish wear or following everyday rules set by your dominant while at work, maybe a sneaky peice of lingerie, butt plug or leather under your clothes. They can coexist and they should. I feel that in fact they need eachother to thrive.  Both Kink and Vanilla. One can not live without the other. It is just the balance which shifts and changes.

Accepting who you are, loving all elements of yourself will make life easier.

Sending much thoughtful love
Star

I know what I am worth.

I am worth cuddles and deep kisses. Undevided attention. The smell of his skin and the depths of his eyes.

I am worth rules and guidance to show me I am adored and cared for. I follow and cherish these. I hold them close to my heart. Because they have been given to me with care and deep thought. With the desire for me to succeed not fail.

I am worth laughter. To see the value in my morbid humor. To make your heart light and to appreciate and love my playfulness.

I am worth rope, floggers, orgasms, butt plugs, gags, blindfolds, deprivation, wax, spanks, paddles, delightful moderate pain, exploration and deep desires.

I am worth his time. Committed to bring joy, pleasure and a little bit of pain.

I am worth his mind. I am worth his heart and his breath. To own it and consume it as he does mine.

So this is why you wont see me settle. Because I know what im worth. It might be hard to find but not impossible.

I can not beleive it has been almost a year since i joined here and it is making me have some gentle reflection. When i first started here i was fresh and green. Like very green. I knew absolutely nothing! Like most people who join here i was looking for answers and guidance. What i found was a community i did not expect as well as some great friends. And im way better at geography and time zones now lol. I thought i could just take a peak and be happy with that. Oh how wrong i was. It is more like an addictive drug.

I may not be as active in chat anymore (side note im still happy to have one on one chats). Occasionally i jump in but not often.
Yes i have been hurt but the majority of my experiences here have been positive and i definitely love the in depth conversations i have had with some of you. Teaching me and giving me a different perspective. To those of you whome i have gotten to know you have been invaluable and also a thank you to the kind strangers who feel compelled to send me a message and share their stories.

Looking to the future with open eyes. I can't wait to see what the next year brings

It has been emotional, confronting, confusing, challenging, loving and dont forget fun. I have never questioned not only what i have been taught but also what i thought i wanted. Once i stripped back all the bullshit and decided to try to make up my own mind the lighter and happier i felt. So now here i stand, still green but more confident in what i want. More knowledgeable yet still rather innocent. But i have purpose to my yearnings now. I have understanding and the ability to think a little clearer. And i have friends and support which i never had before.

Sending much thoughtful love
Star

Today i have had two things brought to my attention by seperate people but i feel they are probably linked.

First. That when push comes to shove i default to talking myself down. I dont even realize i do this. I accept accountability when it may not even be my issue. I make excuses before something starts saying "oh well if it doesn't work it was probably because Im not good enough". Something along those lines. This is a deep seeded part of me which will take much work to justify. Majority of the time I am talkative and confident. I dont come across as having confidences issues. I was told recently after telling somebody that i am generally shy and introverted that i came across quite the opposite. Yet i have that side to me. Its like a defense system. If i accept that it might not work because of something ive done or the way i look, not smart enough , not this , not that. Then if it doesn't work i can take that in as my own notch and add it to my list of things I've done wrong.

My second part was when i was asked how i like to relax..... relax????!!!!! What does that mean. I dont have time to relax lol. But my first response was that i have been trained this way for years. My previous partner would think i was lazy and joke about it if i was not seen to be doing something constantly. Annnnnd normally i would be doing it wrong anyway. But if i needed a cat nap because i had 4 hours sleep the night before due to the kidlets and then had a full day of house work and entertainment the little darlings, that i was seen as lazy. Even though dinner was cooked, house clean, children playing (not watching tv) happily. I would get a good job comment but my needing a moment was seen as weakness. Or if i needed a moment and he wanted to take kids to the beach or a bushwalk it was a case of oh well mummies too tired she can stay home while we go have fun. And then guilted into going to satisfy others.

It has literally only just been RIGHT NOW that i have linked these two together. I was not just trained to never relax, to never sit and appreciate a movie or just cuddle and talk. Rest was for when you where dead. But also i accepted that the things going on around me where my fault. Whether it was implied or not.

So now i have two lessons to retrain my brain. I am good enough, i am of value and its ok to have some me time. To do what i want to do. To not stress about the little things. This is going to be a looooong process. Even better i dont have to do this alone. I have people to report to.

I dreamt of you last night. Your hands, your lips and those eyes. But the thing that caught my attention the most was your kindness and tenderness. Your words. How you see right through me. Calming my thoughts. Capturing me. Telling me im a good girl for taking all that you gave me. Dancing your fingers over my sweaty skin as i drift into sleep wrapped up in yr warmth. Smiling as I feel your soft kisses on my back.

I woke all flustered and dreamy. Am i falling for the dream? Is it all in my head or is it real? Switching from fantasy to reality. From online to real life. I will discover if the chemistry is there soon enough, when i meet those pale eyes and warm smile. Hold on to yr bear socks little one's im going in......