Silent Observations

Everybody has a checklist whether they like to admit it or not. We all have certain things that we like, desire or are simply attracted to in another person. So what happens if you meet someone who has all the boxes ticked yet the pull is not there. Do we throw those boxes away and start again? Reinvent what we beleive we want or follow where our hearts lead us.
This process has me questioning if I am scared of my own desires. Am i scared to be with someone who ticks all those boxes. Because I find myself making excuses and believing im not good enough. So I stay below my standard because they like me. Am I really that self involved???? Or does it come down to my acknowledgment of self worth. By staying where i am comfortable I am not allowing myself to open up. I say that I want A B C and D and here he is yet I find myself trying to find faults. And so far with him I can not, so I pick on myself. The walls are up. Im not sure if it is to keep them out...... or to keep me in. ...

I've set rules and restrictions on myself for sometime now. Sometimes for the benefit of others more than for myself. Yet i keep finding myself wanting to ignore them. To venture out to places i said i wouldn't go. I say im stopping here...... then tip toe over just a smidgen and smile at myself. Each time venturing that little bit further. Im waiting for the day i will just ignore those rules altogether and wonder why i made them in the first place. Was it to restrict myself and show some self control. Maybe to prove a point to myself and others. Maybe because i thought that was what was expected of me. Either way im finding the allure difficult...... to be continued (insert devil emoji here lol)

The multiple different attacks from different directions from the same person is making me dizzy. Anger then guilt followed by praise and to be told I'm needed and wanted.

Well i dont need your words of encouragement, i am strong on my own even behind these tears.

I dont need your money to rescue me from life. I make my own and i am happy to go without if it makes me appreciate life more.

I dont need your sad stories of your past to tell me how bad it is going to be. Scare tactics and emotional manipulation used to work but i am becoming wiser to your games.

I don't need any of it. But i will take it. Because somewhere buried deep it helps me. Helps me see who you are. Helps me gain strength in my own convictions. Sometimes i feed off of the guilt. But gradually i am rising from the heaviness. You say you don't understand, yet i am so exhausted from explaining myself. All i know is it is time for me. You call me selfish. Call me what you like. It wont change my mind

Ringing out the wash cloth in the now filthy water as I try to get those last bits of dirt in the very back corner of the cupboard. Muttering to myself how some people actually live astounds me. The level of filth in this house is amazing. Good thing that i have had years of relentless shaming. Being told that my cleaning efforts where not good enough. Or simply having him vacuum the very next day because i didn't do a good enough of a job (or it is more likely that he is a complete control freak and not in a good way.)

I smile to myself..... see im not as lazy and messy as you think. Im on my hands and knees scrubbing walls and using an old toothbrushes to clean around light switches and bathroom taps.

Soooo my new place is not a palace. I knew that already but my goodness was the person before me an absolute grot ball. But somehow i found cleaning my new space cathartic. Because it will be my very own space and i can do what i want in it. I can talk to who i want and go to the things i so choose. It is mine. So like a sad sickly puppy i smile to myself as i clean up another persons filthy living. So that i may begin my own.

Why do we submit? Why would we possibly want to give so much of ourselves to somebody?

Have you ever thought and pondered your own submission. As in why you do it? Where does it come from? Whether you think you are born this way or not. ... why do you do it????

When we are presented with a request, instruction or task that we don't like the idea of or is completely challenging, what makes us hand over control, silence the doubts in our minds and give when we thought we couldn't or wouldn't. The answer.......

The answer is as technical as the complicated task yet extremely simple to categorize. It is not just one element. And everyone's reasons or percentages of the below will differ. We enter into these in depth relationships craving deep connection and acceptance of self. To do this we battle many elements BUT to get there takes a couple of simple ingredients, it is only the portions that change. It takes trust, happiness and love. Could it really be that simple?

Trust. Built on honesty. Deep conversations. Communication on thoughts and feelings, desires and limits. Building up of physical experiences and play. Gradual handover of self as that trust builds. Knowledge that they do not intend to break you.

Happiness. The feeling of being fulfilled by making others happy. To put yourself last to help someone else, because that makes you feel valued. You have found your place with a person who you trust to guide and care for you. Without taking advantage of you. That they show their affection and desire for you. Someone who needs you as much as you need them. Filling up your cup. Hapiness for me also clears the mind. It deletes those doubts.

Which leads us to love. Yes love. Just because you have a BDSM relationship does not mean it differs from the hearts of vanilla relationships. Although we would all most likely argue we feel more. We delve deeper and are more connected, which is one of the aspects that most of us love. To know the inner workings of our partner. To be the only thing that they ever need. To be wanted, mentally, sexually and emotionally.

So as we kneel on aching knees, eyes glued to that of our Masters/Sirs/Daddys/Dommes eyes. Seeking their approval. Seeking those words we all love to hear that lift us up to the rafters. That we have pleased them. That they know it was something we hated yet we did it anyway and would probably do it again. Because we belong to them...... and that makes us happy. Cherished. Wanted. Adored. Loved. Devoted...... that makes us want to give more, be pushed more. To satisfy their beast and have them purr in their sleep.

Its that look. That smile. That kiss. To know they have your heart but more importantly that you have theirs. That is why i do it. What about you?

So here it comes. I can feel its presence. That cold grip on the back of my neck...... am i doing the right thing. Could i have tried better. Am i just running away. Why can i not be happy with what i have.

And that my friends is the real question. To many on the outside it looks like i have everything i could possibly want. That i must be out of my mind to want to change that.

I have security in my decisions not only given to me by myself but also by others.

"If it doesn't work i will always be here for you"

So turn me on my heals and push me into the dark. See how i go by myself. Set me up to fail so that i will return.

I am so closed off that i feel i have no other option. Taking responsibility for my own emotions. Nobody else is going to save me from myself. No rules, tasks or floggings will chase these feelings away. But staring them right in the eyes is confronting. Because this state i have been in is not me. And not who i want to be. Withholding and not being truthful to myself or to others.

Because i was scared of everything.

But by doing nothing i was killing myself. By moving forward i hurt others. But i can not give if i am dead inside.

I wish to be cherished and cared for. To be pushed when i need it and to learn that deep trust in handing over without a second thought. Without that i am depressed. I felt it once before, that pull and deep connection, so I know i can find it again. It might take me a long time but i sadly can not find it by sitting still. So i am going out to wander the forest and smell the new spring flowers. Taste the fresh spring and explore my surroundings.

My apologies this blog started out as one thing and completely changed to another. Much like where my mind resides these days. But clarity i hope is coming. At least a little.

This one is assigned with some lyrics from one of my favorite artists. Florence and the Machine 

"Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

And it's peaceful in the deep
'Cause either way you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under"

I had it suggested to me to do a visual diary of my journey. To try to transcribe my feelings, emotions and experiences through images rather than words.... as a sort of challenge i guess. This i find tricky as words are so much easier to convey, however i liked the idea. So here i am adding a visual element to my blog. These images are my own, they are rough and unrefined. Purely as another form of expression. I hope you enjoy them and get something from them. When i post these i will not give very much explanation as i wish for you to make yr own interpretation.

Image 1 - The eye's say it all

Image 2. Head in the clouds 

I wish to feel your hands on me. Your fingers and lips. Make my skin prickly with goosebumps.
Slowly touching.
Learning.
The anticipation.
The build up of desire that takes over my body and fills up my soul. To make my body heat up from within.
Ignite me.
To quiet my mind and make my sex drip with want. I want to feel you beneath my skin, becoming a part of me.
Strengthening our bond and making my desire for you soar. Make me free from myself and keep me safe in yr embrace.
Love me deply and push me hard.
Claiming.
Owning.
Obeying through love.
Touch me please Sir don't make me wait.
Those eyes, that mouth, that look that makes my stomach jump.
My mouth watering.
My body alive.
Help me feel again.
Please Sir just a little taste........

The shelter of where I am is so comfortable. It is safe. It was built with love that is no longer there for whatever reason. But still it is familiar. To change everything to make myself happy is the scariest thing I will ever have to do.

So many demons right now creeping into my space. Filling me with doubt and guilt. Telling me I'm incapable. The stubborn side of me wants to prove them wrong.

So I took some time this week with a family loss to assess what I  want. I sat and looked at this person who is basically so beautiful in spirit and has been my safe place and best friend yet I am unable to love him. Like im broken. Completely and utterly closed off and have been for so long. Feel like I have a darkenss that sits over me that he unknowingly prevokes. But still I sat and contemplated, continuously coming back with the same answer....... So tonight i sat and read stories from Dr Suess's Oh The Places You'll Go and never before had a children's book spoken so directly to me....... If you have read the story I am currently in the waiting stage. But no more. I dont want to wait anymore. Wait for the right time, for things to change or for someone to make my mind up for me. So I am going to climb my mountain. It will not be easy but hopefully the view from the top is awe inspiring