Silent Observations

Is there such a thing as being too submissive. Ive been told im terribly obedient and the usual good girl (which i love). Once that trust is established i seem to give in easily. And they know that. They can read me like a book. It might take a little work. A little word play, some mind games and constant guiding of conversation but they know they can get me to the point they wish.

But I find myself doing things for others (in my vanilla world) that i dont necessarily want to do, but begrudgingly do.

I shouldn't do this.

I hate that i do it.

I dont enjoy helping them in that moment, it is purely because it is expected of me that i do so......

Anyone who knows me will tell you im stubborn. I do speak up when it is on something that means a great deal to me. But apart from that I am quite laid back. I wonder if this is a side i should try to improve on myself. To stand up for myself a little more. To learn to say no. To not have a submissive nature to everyone and anyone. Because a lot of the time the actions of others bring me down. Because i expect them to do for me what i would for them and that is a misconception on my behalf. I get guilted and when that doesn't work i get hassled. I dont necessarily wish to become more gaurded but im mentally exhausted...... so very tired of making sure everyone is ok before me. I dont know..... just my unprecedented ramblings for the day. 

Do you ever feel like this? My desire to please and not disappoint can bubble over leaving me a mess on the floor (and not in an erotic hot kind of way).

I dont wish to change who i am but i do feel the change coming. Something has to give and I'll be dammed if it's me.

I've noticed a change in myself. A definite movement of mind. That i am a little more open to different things. Things that once before I was attament I was not into, I am now embracing. Maybe it has always been there and I was not open to it, or ready. I am still very much gaurded but a few elements are seeping in through the cracks. It is more than one thing that i have unknowingly embraced. Evolving. As my life shifts and dictates. All I know is the addictive feeling of happiness and light it is prevoking. And that is the most important part :)

Excited to see where these thoughts and feelings lead me 

Accepting my failure and defeat. It has been a long process and it has been draining. I switch from emotionless to full greif and loss with no variation in between.

I tried and i failed. I let that guilt grab me and pull me down. Sometimes i feel i could have tried harder. That i should have known better. But i sealed my own fate and now i must pull up my big girl panties, take a deep breath and try my best to move forward.

Failure

It is supposed to teach us. Let us learn from our mistakes. Help make us stronger and strive for better.
It also signals the end of something we tried for. I know it is important to fail and to reflect. I could argue that i tried really hard but honestly i dont know if i did. Or if i just gave up.

Why do we fear failure so much? I know i do. Failure to be something that i am not seems like a stupid thing to worry about. Failure to commit to something i dont actually want to do because it would disappoint others. This would have to be my biggest hurdle. I naturally want to please people especially those close to me. To fail them i feel i fail myself. But when my inner self wants something different. Something deeper. Something extraordinary. Eventually i will listen to her as her voice gets stronger.

So at what point does failure turn into a lesson? Turn into strength. Turn into a purpose. I suppose when you feel like you have reached the bottom. Like you have no other excuse BUT to fail. And fail gloriously......

Its a hard life 

First off, discovering that there were other people with the same desries and urges as well as similar life experiences has been amazing and i dont regret a single part (well not yet lol).

But BDSM made me do something......... Question. Not only my desires and where they orginated from, but eventually every aspect of my life. I used to be happy and comfortable (so i thought). I used to just simply accept that what i had was enough. So what if i hardly ever had an orgasm or found the 9 to 5 mundane and boring. Like so many others. I accepted that was the normal. Buy a house, get a career, raise a family, contribute to society and be socially acceptable.

Until i stumbled upon some writings that i connected with. That felt like the emotions and thoughts that i tried so hard to bury. I tried running to the point of mental exhaustion, writing to express myself. The more i tried to control it the stronger that pull became. So i took a peak to see what i could find. Harmless right???? To peer through the curtains and see what naughtiness unfolds behind them.

So i continue to question. To listen to my own thoughts and judgment. To figure things out for myself. I feel for the first time i am actually growing up. Learning to speak up to say what i desired. I started incorporating things into my life and low and behold it was amazing. Woohoo what an eye opening experience to let me know i was in the right track. But i wanted more. And more. And more. Deeper connection. Emotionally and mentally. Domination and the feeling of ownership. To feel the blush and heat in my face, the electricity surge through my body. These urges keep feeling like they are pulling me deeper and seperating me from the usual. Some say i am a dreamer. Some of them are kinky friends too.

So now im in a state of uncertainty. Im changing my life to have what i want. Sometimes those details are not so clear, and it is daunting. Sometimes i feel like there's something wrong with me. That i should be happy with what i have. But realising that i am fine. I am more than fine. Im discovering myself and trying my hardest to embrace my unknown future. Still conscious of those around me, but not letting their thoughts become my own.

So lets raise our glasses to the future. Yes BDSM has ruined me for my vanilla life. Now my vanilla has swirls of exotic flavors. Each more delicious than the last. Im not throwing my vanilla life away. Im enhancing it with flavors and colours. To feel fulfilled and to pass that feeling and excitement onto my family and friends. I most definitely do not know what the hell i am doing 😄 and im absolutely fine with that

Sometimes my innocence and inexperience can be...... difficult. It can make me retract very quickly, which means basically that i miss out on an experience. And i dont necessarily mean sexually. It is mostly socially. Im not socially awkward but i am quiet. So to attend munches, events and classes when i know nobody, can be daunting to the point i do not wish to attend.

In a room full of extravagant people I can seem rather ordinary. However being the silence in a room full of noise has its advantages. I am actively trying to make an effort to meet more kinky people in my area but i realised today that being me is ok. And yes i have always been just me. What i mean is, because I am actively seeking to explore myself does not mean i loose myself. Infact i feel my personality traits that i used to see as a flaw I now embrace. I can still get out there but protect myself in the process.

I met a lovely bunch of people today. Loud, lovely and instantly protective of me. Welcoming and cheeky. We had fun making new toys. And i now have a group of people im getting to know who can hopefully help guide me.

He said he would ruin me for all others. That he would make me crave only him. At the time it made me smile and on the inside I didn't think that would be possible to have such an effect or hold on me. But he was right. He did everything he set out to do but i did not realise the effect until he was gone. Without a word and without a trace.

Now even after time I am still in love with a ghost. And i think i forever will be. I am thankful to have known such a feeling but it also hurts. I desire the control but also i loved his affect on me. I flourished under his care and I now struggle with the fact that i can not be so well adjusted without the rules, the structure and love. No matter what i try. I also dont wish to fill that void. Because it is his chair and his alone.
A part of me still waits patiently but i feel it is a lost cause. He will not return but yet my heart still waits. Forever and always his star

We are all masters of our domain. We all have the CHOICE to act a certain way. Yes sometimes we get hurt. We feel cheated, ignored, abandoned. But it is our choice as to how we carry on from there.

A few helpful notes.

* if someone does not wish to submit to you, this does not make them a bad submissive or untrainable. It simply means you did not have that connection to make it work. Or maybe your styles and desires are too different.

*a roll of a dominant is not to try and "break" their submissive to do as they please. You earn someone's submission through trust, support and leadership. Not by demanding. And certainly not by constantly belittling their abilities.

*Keep yr stuff private. If someone has entrusted you with pictures of themselves or personal information, they gave it to you because they trusted you. Not to use against them and definitely not to share with others. This just boggles my mind

* Two wrongs do not make a right. If someone has wronged you, you have every right to feel angry. But it does not justify seeking out vengeance. Again shows poor character.

*Lastly when things dont work. Be the bigger person. Accept that you were too different and move on. Being negative, vindictive and spiteful only displays your poor character. This goes for either a top or bottom. We are all adults here surely we can act that way.

I feel that the character someone shows when under pressure displays their true colours. Be kind to yrself. If you have been wronged then process however you need to but be mindful of yr actions. Be responsible for your own thoughts and choices. Negative thoughts and emotions can fester and grow. Feel, process then accept and move forward. Holding on to pain never helps anyone. And yr actions only reflect upon yrself.

I am interested in teaching myself to have an open body language. Especially as a submissive to be open and happy to accept the opportunities and people who come my way.

It is something that i read in a book a while ago, about a submissive keeping their body open at all times. I love body language and plan to read more into it. I normally enjoy watching and observing others but am now prepared to turn it back on myself.

Basically small things that seem simple but require for me to retrain my brain. Like not crossing my arms in from of my chest. When sitting or kneeling to have my palms open and face up. To walk with pride in my step, have my head high but to keep my eyes respectfully lower. There are many other points i wish to teach myself once i do some more research. Im interested if anybody else has undergone such things and if they have any pointers