Silent Observations

Ive been contemplating and even battling myself over my consistency to put myself last. Im sitting here this morning feeling angry. At myself. Because I know that I deserve better than where I was before but I keep on placing myself in similar situations EVEN THOUGH I know better. I see the flags and instead of listening I fight them. Try to make it sound like its not so bad. To convince myself to give it a try. 
I know its not a habit because it is with new people and new situations. It is more like a selective blindness. I turn my head from the parts I know are not  healthy for me and only listen to the parts I want. 

I would then say maybe it is a sign of loneliness or desperation. But if that was true I would not have spent so much time by myself and be so picky.

So how do we change our behaviors and perceptions of self worth? As Einstein once said "Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different result".

To me there is a combination of three elements. 

1. Self awareness - recognizing when I do this behavior and putting into practice a strategy for stepping away from things/people/ situations that are not healthy for me. I am responsible for the actions and things that happen in my life, no one else. I am responsible for how I  react to situations. I am responsible for the current (good or bad) state of my life. It has been MY decisions that has led me hear and it will be my choices that form my future. Which is kind of empowering but also scary as hell. To trust myself.

2. Time - Acknowledging that it will take time for me to change my behaviors. It will take longer than a day, a week a year. But with each step forward I am further away from the hold the negative had on my life. 

3. Forgiveness- to not be hard on myself if i miss a signal or stumble. Allow myself the time to be present in the moment and understand its ok to feel. Ok to be angry. Ok to stay in bed for a day if I need to.

It has been pushed into me for most of my adult life that I needed to BE a particular way. Can never be seen as lazy. Can never sit still and just enjoy. I am forever busy. Learning to slow has been hard and I'm still not sure that I do slow very well (accept in relationships lol). I will learn to push those controlling negative voices from my past out of my head and try to replace them with calm and peace. 

My goals at the moment are to
* Replace negative behavior with good. Reward myself for getting through things.
* Have a plan in place to help me negotiate (against myself) a clear path forward with still upholding my values and integrity (ie not ghosting people or being overly aggressive)
* Learn to meditate. It is hard for me to sit longer than 30 seconds without a thought so this process will take some time
* Be continuously grateful and humble to the positive situations and people who come my way.

* Continue to write because I find it helps me and is therapeutic 

I would be interested to hear of any other ideas anyone might have used or  experienced for correcting or changing behaviours, though I will continue my own research. Im always trying  to do better and be a better version of myself. 

Why do we love what is bad for us. Our mind tell us its no good but our hearts ache for it and our body screams for it. 

What if the IT is a person. When there are mental conflicts with what we would ideally accept from someone, yet our heart can't stop reaching out. When you don't trust yourself to be able to physically restrain yourself from their touch. That is not normal for me. To be affected physically and emotionally by someone. To let someone in to my vulnerable place.

You crave the taste of their lips and the force of their hand,  yet they have tendencies that you mentally hate. Is it ok to give up on some of those things because our heart and body tells us so?

For me that is a hard concept. Im ruled equally by the head and the heart so when they conflict I end up at a standstill. But yet my heart makes me engage with them. Want his attention. Want his words. So is my head wrong? Ive given it time but the effect is still the same. 

When we both confess that we scare eachother because the connection we have is strong. It makes us act differently, we have both said so. There is history, familiarity, trust and love. Under my skin and in my heart but my head still says no. Usually my head wins.

No more fighting, more flow. No more expectations, just acceptance. No more wishful thinking but rather active living. Its ok to dream but not to the point it destroys you. Looking up, reaching out and living presently. And trust. Trusting that my life will take its direction, trust in the opportunities that arrive at my feet will lead me and trust of myself to make the right decisions whether they are made from the heart or the head. To not punish myself when things don't go to plan. To love and enjoy the things I shouldnt lol. 

My future plans for now involves no-one. To make plans and adventures for my soul. See where it takes me and who it leads me to. Not planning on leading away from people but rather towards myself. So if my head still struggles (which it will) I will just take things slow. Let the breeze shift me ever so slightly and enjoy. Trust in my wants, trust in my thoughts and rationalism. Lead with the heart. 

I feel fortunate to have had friends who have helped me in my growth. Guide me and keep me safe. I find myself this morning sitting on my balcony thinking of my past and counting my blessings. Feeling nostalgic with a tear in my eye but from happiness not sorrow.

I feel especially grateful to have had a kind and strict dominant who took me in (metaphorically) and showed me domination through love. At times I feel I am too picky or that I will be alone for a long time. What he showed me was beautiful and it has set such a high standard of what i expect from a person I choose as my one. The compassion, love mixed with dominance and cheek.

Even though things did not end the way I had hoped I have only fond memories. And on top of that I still (hope) that I carry some of the things that he gave me. Confidence, etiquette, standards (not just for myself but also for those i choose to let into my bubble) and humility. I would hope that if we met again he would be proud of me. Funny how i still try to impress a ghost. I guess its just the way I am and I'm ok with that.

Love does not fade. It grows. It evolves. Sometimes to something completely different from where it started. Although now things are different, the thought of you still makes me smile and I am grateful for all that you gave me. It has helped me know my direction and keep my standards. Today I thought would be a good day for me to do some internal quiet contemplation of how I am staying true to myself. Reflect on the things I have learnt and possibly bring some of those things back into my life.

When I stumble I have my friends who still help guide me. So today with all this uncertainty around me I am reflective and I feel humbled.

Stay safe

It is interesting when you put yourself out there sometimes, the reaction you can receive. 

Sometimes I will admit I do not feel like I am particularly kinky enough. Which is silly. But sometimes I think I get that imposter syndrome. Where I'm waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and escort me from the room because I don't belong. But truth is I can't do just vanilla. And I like some vanilla mixed in with my kink. I think most of us do..... I'm constantly and forever learning about myself, my mental limits, my desires and my idea of what I want and who I am is fluid. And that's ok. 

Right now I am taking a different direction and it kind of makes me giggle sometimes. So I have signed up on a vanilla dating site because ..... well I don't know why really. Think I thought I might have more luck finding what I want in a reverse way. On kink sites it's always just about what turns you on, what they want to do to me and crap that I feel is very personal and private but in the kink world is not always seen that way. So I'm a kinky prude. That's ok. 

Anyway I have had a few vanilla conversations now and it makes me giggle when I freak them out. See I had this idea that I wasn't that kinky...... turns out I am waaaaaaaaay off the vanilla playing field. It has been fun enlightening and freaking some of the local wildlife and atm I am lucky enough to have found someone whom I enjoy conversations with and I know from the start he is open to kink as he has tried a little bit..... time to test the waters (through conversations) and see how he feels about it before we get too far invested. 

This dating thing is so messed up lol. At least it provides me with entertainment 

Mmm yummy delicious surgery, completely bad for me but want it all the same.  Home made honey and cashew nut popcorn.

My relationship with food is generally healthy and good. But like many when i feel a little bit out of sorts the treats come out.

The comfort. Nothing better than cuddling up with some comfort. 

If cuddly blankets, teady bears and disney movies can be associated with being a little. Can your favorite kiddy treats be as well? For the past few years I have guilted myself if I ate something bad. Because I should know better. But maybe it is my little reaching out. Maybe sonetimes i should cut her a break and let her indulge. 

So heres to loving your inner little 💕💕💕

(And no the pup didnt have any but i would like to learn how to copy her puppy dog pleading eyes lol)

You always make my brat come out. Or my inner bitch. Whatever you want to call her. She stomps her feet and throws things, kicks at you and back chats. She smiles that smirk at you because she also knows you like it. 

My little brat is good at picking people appart. Finding what frustrates them and poking at it. I normally try to keep her locked away but I must admit that it can be fun when she arrives. It makes us both smile 😈

I dont know why you bring her out. Maybe because I cant seem to annoy you. Which frustrates me more, till you pick on me back and it breaks my mood. Making me laugh. Only you allow me to poke you and kick you like I do. It excites you our little game. 

Thats all it is. 

A game. 

Sometimes I wish you would whisper to me how horrible I am. Yell at me. Point out my flaws. So that I could have a reason to be mad at you. But you just laugh and tell me I'm beautiful. 

How am I supposed to move on from you when you just let me use you this way. I am mad at you. Im mad you tell me im perfect and you use that as an excuse to not be with me. Cause it scares you.... So I guess I will just keep kicking at you till I dont need to anymore

I miss being able to feel things. Anything apart from the lows. Ive spent what feels like so long down there that it has become comfortable.
I miss butterflies in my stomach and goosebumps from their touch. Waking up with a warmth of a body and the scent of their skin. 
I miss laughter. Real laughter that comes from your belly. The one that brings tears of joy to your eyes. Companionship.

Such a strange thing to be emotionally independent. Its not always bad but i miss........... things.......... everything. I even miss the arguements, cause that is just another form of passion. The kisses and making up. The sex. 

I miss the love exploding in my heart and bubbling out of my mouth. Expressing my desire for someone close to me. Special to me. To be mine and me to be theirs. I miss it all. 

Yet i dont miss it enough to give in to less than what i want. So i try and satisfying those feelings myself. Which is a poor substitute but still better than nothing. Trying to escape my solitude and feel the sun.

Im a fairly reserved kind of person. When I found BDSM it inabled me to express and explore myself like never before. Ive done a heap of personal growth over the past few years. Till i find myself this year feeling the most clear I have been in what feels like forever. Not only that but i feel positive, happy, driven and like im truely finding myself. There has been one element that i realised today I have been placing a tonne of pressure on myself for.

Finding my one.

I dont know why I thought that after leaving a relationship Ive been in since i was 18, that i would find my one right away. That was such a guilt loaded emotional responce to my situation. I had nothing of myself to give and was using new connections to pick myself up and say I was fine. And those around me would try to slow me down cause they could see more clearly than myself. 

My freedom has come in a ball of emotions, tears and realizations over  the past few months. But it was necessary. Like an emotional cleanse.

Have you ever let go of guilt? Like truely let go? You would think that it would feel harmonious but it doesnt. It hurts like it is being ripped from your soul and once it is finally ejected a flood of tears washes your face. But your heart finally feels light.

So i am approaching this year with a different attitude. For once its not a forced attitude but more an enlightened view. 

To take this year to fill up my heart, stimulate my mind and feed my body sunshine and positive light. Even the thought makes me smile. So Im applying for university to follow the career i want, I'm downsizing the things in my home that are not required and one very important thing..... Im not looking for my one..... I dont want anyone right now. Not completely. Yes i get lonely so i will choose company that fulfills me. Im still a sucker for connection but i realise now that i dont actually need anyone. Mostly I am happy by myself and with who I am. I need to feed this new enlightened self more before i share it. 

So i have been considering today about my approach to my love life. Im extremely critical and judgmental of anyone who approaches me. I go through my mental check list and if they dont fit then i move on. Very shitty of me. And a hell of a lot of pressure for anyone involved. Ive also been hurt from trying to push things that are not actually healthy relationships for me. 

Generally im monogamous and do not play with anyone outside of a relationship. I place strict rules upon myself to do so. Yet i still try to get to kink clubs, munches and events to keep my submissive side engaged. So why do i do that? Why am i scared to try something new and let go of that control a little. I have trust issues thats why. And im a fool if i think that is going to attract an open hearted person. 

So im considering changing some of that aspect. I plan to be super busy this year and also im really happy with where im at. So im considering seeking a possible play partner. Someone who i can learn to trust and explore with on a regular basis. Connect but not have the pressures of a "relationship". I feel it could be rather beneficial to help me destress and open up. To start it would not involve sexual components but i cant say that im not open to it evolving into that. More like a deep friendship. Remove the pressures and focus on the good. I still would reserve things for relationships only but the test would be if i can keep those emotions i tend to feel oh so well in check. To enter something knowing it is for physical exploration and pleasure i feel will help. 

Im not jumping in. Still will take time to consider all the aspect. And when it comes to it I might have too many mental blocks to be able to go through with it. But i would have tried. I also wonder if having a friendship like this would help me not fixate on My One so much. Help me evolve.

So in the interest of letting go and filling up my soul i will learn to be not so serious and cookie cut. If something feels positive to follow that. I have complete faith that when the timing is right and Im in a positive space my person will find me cause they will feel the pull to my light.