Silent Observations

Hindsight is an amazing thing. The things that I wish I new when I first started. But I guess that is the process we must all go through. I had an experience this week that rattled me a little so I thought I would share in the hopes to help others.

I first started here on cage about 2 to 2.5 years ago. It was my first experience of an online community and a BDSM community. I only planned on peeking behind the curtain to see if it was for me. I can very happily say that it has been amazing so far.

Since I was “fresh meat” so to speak I was a little naïve. The attention you receive as a new person on the scene/website can be a great confidence booster. At the time I thought that I had a pretty good filter for sifting through the wannabes. But I did find myself entertaining the thoughts of being a little adventurous. My biggest mistake was thinking that relationships and encounters online could not hurt me in real life. Yes I know I can hear you all scoffing at me but its true. I thought using a different name, separate email address, not showing my face on my profile and all that stuff would keep me fairly anonymous. But then I decided to do some online play to see if I liked it. I met someone (from Cage but will remain nameless). It was fun role playing and yes I sent pictures or we would cam. After a week he started to become quite obsessive and wanted more and more of my time. To the point it made me feel utterly uncomfortable and regretting my decision in the first place. He was overly demanding and needy. When I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore I was bombarded with constant messages day and night. I ended up having to block him on Kik and on Cage…… then I happily forgot all about him and was a lot more cautious in my encounters.

Fast forward 2 years to this week. I received a random “Hi” message from a “submissive”. To which I am pretty sure she does not exist and possibly does not know her pictures are used on the account…. Not sure just a hunch…… I was cautious. “She” then messaged me a few days later saying that her Master misses me….. I was like what? The name next to her profile is not one that I recognized. I advised sorry not sure what you’re talking about. “She” then proceeded to describe some of the things I had done and I felt my face instantly become flustered. Because even though I actually don’t remember it, they described details true to me. I again said sorry I don’t know. Because I genuinely didn’t and just hoped the details were a coincidence. Nope. Then this “Master” magically appeared told me his name and asked, "Do you not honestly remember me? We did xyz and here are the photos to prove it" (screen shots of a video that I had done stripping) .

I WAS MORTIFIED. I don’t share images anymore, I haven’t in ages and if I do its with someone I have talked to for months and trust immensely. He said I had consented to the images (which at the time was probably right), he continued with how much he has missed me and I told him I would report him...…. Which I have. 

Now this was in a private chat that he showed me, however this was under “her” profile. So either it is a fake profile for his own devious plans OR she does exists and has seen the images of me. Either way it is disgraceful. And makes me feel sick to think of how many people might have seen it. Mostly because I am an extremely private person, who just made a mistake on exploring some role play with a stranger.

Now as I said this all happened when I was new. The actions and things you do when you start out can have a massive roll on effect. This has been my first instance of this thankfully.

I thought it appropriate to list a few tips on keeping safe (online) for anyone starting out and if I have missed something please feel free to add in the comments below. By all means play and have fun just be smart.

1.       If sending pictures do not include your face or any other identifying features (eg birthmarks, tattoos, ect)

2.       If you are across different BDSM sites I recommend keeping different profile names as if you have an issue with someone on one site it should hopefully make it harder for them to locate you on the next one.

3.       If concerned about work or alike finding out, start a separate “kink” email address that you are the only person with access to it. And it goes without saying do not use work or friends computers to look up your kinky things.

4.       Never give out your full name, address, phone number or even email address until you know that it is safe to (I’m talking in a dynamic or months of talking)

5.       Remember that people will say anything to manipulate you to be able to give them what they want. They will make excuses, shame you or bully you. If they truly care about you and respect you they will give you the time and space you need to feel comfortable (this goes for photos, contact details and then of course anything in real life). If it doesn’t feel right its probably not.

6.       Do not include too much personal information on your profile. (face photos, contact details even for kik)

7.       Be selective with who you let into your circle.

8.       Beware of certain behaviors – not letting you talk to friends, not respecting the things important to you (family time, work restrictions) If they are demanding you jeopardize this time for them they are not worth your breath. Jealousy, quick to anger or a manipulator. A tip that a good friend once told me is saying No to a small request is a good way to judge how that person reacts to things.

9.       If you do run into trouble do not delete the messages. Screen shot conversations as proof when blocking or reporting someone.

10.   AND PLEASE REPORT THEM. Even if you think it is something small. For all you know the person making you uncomfortable has done it to multiple others and if you all report it then something can be done.

To recap on my story cause it was long. I was new and naïve, sent images I shouldn’t have to someone I really didn’t know (my fault). Someone I had to eventually block on all communication forums, his profile was deleted from cage and has now returned talking to me under a submissive profile and showing me photos of myself as “proof” to justify himself…… this behavior is not ok. I am just thankful he is in another country.

Be aware of who you are letting into your life, even through friendships.

I actually consider myself to be an open person. I enjoy conversations with people and like to think that a large majority of people have good intentions. Maybe I’m still naïve who knows, it is just the way I was raised. To see the good in people. But that does not mean that I need to accept everyone into my life. My private life is my sanctuary. So please remember to be safe as you play, explore and learn.

Ive craved you for months now. I thought by now I would have pushed you out of my system but you have only burrowed deeper. All it takes is a phone call,  a sound of your voice. The words that you say to me and im right back where I started. 
You have this way of calming me yet stirring my insides at the same time. Settling my head but making my heart wrestles. You told me the olther day that you are not scared of my emotions, to not hide them from you..... i replied I don't think its you I'm hiding them from. 

To feel so much with so little physical interaction amazes me. So many times over the past months and months have i thought I should walk away. That im being selfish trying to keep you for myself. That you have so much to deal with right now I should give you space. You tell me no, you need me. I lighten your day and make you smile. You say I am strong, I am good, Im your princess. The truth is I too need you, otherwise I could walk away....... why can't I walk away..... 

Absence is difficult but I've done it before. I love it when you call me yours, even if its just for that moment. That moment is amazing and makes me crave more. You dont wish for me to put my life on hold for you, but at the same time I cant move past what we could be. I just have to wait. Ive been waiting, and it hurts but I cant not... 

You say its just bad timing and you wish it could be different. You've known sad your entire life. I've known love. All i wish to do is fill that empty space for you, to share what I have with no restriction. No boundaries. No preconceived perceptions. Just us. Happy. Together. As i know we could be. Daydreams, fantasies, phone calls and messages. Selfies, video chats and sending cards to my address. Its all food for my soul. Sometimes im starving and can never feel full, others im content and satisfied. 

So for now I clear my eyes, pull in the straps that bind me and try to remember to breathe. When these tidal waves of emotions hit me, to hold in and stay calm. The storm will be over soon. Soon i will be able to function properly again. I just need 5 minutes to compose myself. To let the emotions out.

Breathe 
Deep
Breathe
Release 

Realising that there are still parts of me I am still not ok with. My latest one is something that likes to pop its ugly head up on the odd occasion to help make me feel inferior, different or weird.

So here it goes..... Im a submissive woman who does not like to be objectified or sexualized..... weird right? Accept to someone who I love and adore. Yes love, because I'm one of those weird arse people who loves being in love. 
So there it is, self confessed lover of love, introverted submissive prude.... yep Im a prude as well.
What does this all mean? And how does  this all fit into the tantalising, delicious package that is me? (See what i did there, just sexually objectified myself but its ok because I love me).

Well truth is sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I can be having a very lovely conversation with somebody who I'm getting to know and all they have to do is make a funny comment and sexualized me in the wrong way and I feel instantly uncomfortable. More than that I feel inferior. I feel like I'm broken and there's something wrong with me because I don't seem to enjoy being objectified as much as what some other people do. Somewhere along the lines once I have feelings for somebody that defensiveness disappears. Then that sexual objectification becomes erotic and almost sweet. So how was it that my brain jumps from one form of communication as a threat and another to being good intentions? 

Is it trust? 

Is it feeling comfortable with someone? 

Or is it more to do with myself becoming comfortable as a sexual creature and AND actually owning that. Saying yes I am sexy, yes I am feminine and yes it's  actually ok to be desireable.

Possibly the reason is because I don't see myself that way. I grew up as a tomboy and even as a teenager I never had those raging hormones like everybody else around me seem to have. I feel like I almost missed that part of puberty and growing up. Because for me to be sexually aroused and accessible they need to go through my mind and my doubts first. (Oh the joys of being a sapiosexual). Not necessarily a negative thing and it's kept me safe many many times. I trust my gut completely, it has never let me down.

But I still hate how some simple words in a well-intended good natured conversation can make me feel so inferior and so low. Even when that was not their intent. I let these demons of my own pull myself down. So how do you  build yourself past those negative  thoughts. We all have them, they just have different triggers. Those voices that tell us that we are not good enough, that we shouldn't be here, that we should stop trying. I'm pretty happy to say a lot of the time those voices don't hang around too long. I managed to pick myself up pretty quickly but it still frustrates me how easily I can drop back down that slide. 

Life expereince is a huge factor. I cant change that and i dont want to. What I have learnt to accept is that for now that is simply a limit for me. It is a discussion point that i need to express without offering condolences or excuses. Buy for knowing its ok to NOT be ok with something. Even if a vast majority of people are. That's ok. Its not my kink. I think that right there is how I let those doubts not control me. By being honest with myself and those around me. By not hiding behind what makes us worry that we might be perceived as different. Different is good.

It has become apparent to me that I have become slightly lazy in my submissiveness. I used to be a lot more engrossed, initiate my own research and find new ways to feel uncomfortable. Attend more munches and events. That is possibly because it was all brand new and sparkly. New and enticing. I'm still fairly new in many many aspects, however I've learnt a lot about myself over the past couple of years. I have evaluated, tested, poked and re-evaluated from every angle about myself. To the point now that I am quite comfortable with who I am and the path that I'm on. 

I feel when I was brand spanking new that I was pushing myself constantly. It's not a bad thing to learn to be comfortable by being constantly uncomfortable. But now I feel I am more at peace with who I am. There is no more fighting or internal turmoil. No deep dark questions that keep me awake at night. 

Now I feel I have a positive idea of what I'm searching for and that's very calming. For a while I was pushing that fact as well. Running full speed to try and find my person. But again I find myself at a peaceful place where I have no need to talk to the drones of people that I once did. In fact I prefer my own company. Ive become quite introverted. I tire of the introduction emails and questions with people who I know I really have no interest in. 
So I find myself leaving my fait to the universe. It is freeing. It can still get lonely but I can honestly say I am the happiest I've been in a while. Is this new found contentment keeping me plateaued in my submission? I don't feel my submissiveness being pushed or tested. On one hand Id rather wait till I find the right person to continue any more development on that side. On the other I feel lazy and at home in my little nest if words that I made. I'm wondering if other submissives ever feel this weird place of contentment in waiting?

I feel i should possibly start looking into new things to study, do personal development again. This time not through questioning who I am but rather learning new skills and expanding on myself. Or should i see how long I can sit still for? Anyone who knows me knows thats hard for me to do lol.

Oh my goodness, the two guys at the start of this clip are the choreographers. They move like sexy silk. Love seeing people flaunting their sexuality and being comfortable in themselves. Nothing is more sexy then confidence........ and Damn!!!!! They can work those heals. Enjoy ?

The word archetype for me is new and it came up in a conversation then I was having with a dominant. He talked about how important it is for people to understand which archtype they are and which type they lean towards. This is to help suit compatibility. For example if you are a little you may not be so best suited to be with a saddest. Just like a masochist probably would not be most forfiled with somebody who enjoys ageplay. In the world of BDSM there are so many different types that it can become confusing, however I think if you focus on the main elements, your main interests it will help you hone in on the kind of person you are seeking. Whether that be a dominant or a submissive or anything in between. It also helps you understand your own qualities abd what you can offer.

This got me thinking a lot about the expectations we have when we talk to somebody new. I believe that expectations are dangerous. If you enter a dynamic or relationship with an expectation you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Often we put expectations not only on those people we are talking to but on ourselves. Instead of just simply being ourselves and being honest with who we are. The more honest you can be and the more upfront you are, the better your connections and possible relationships will be. Because there is no facade, there is no games, it is only you, them and the truth. 

So back to archtypes this got me questioning how they fluctuate. For people who like me, had not heard of the word archtype basically it is a way to categorise different traits. So for example doing the BDSM test. This will give an indication of the traits that are currently your strongest. I will note though that I generally do this test over and over because my results fluctuate depending on who I'm talking to but there is always the top 2 or 3 that are the same. So those for me are the archtypes that I most strongly identify with. Keep in mind that these kinds of tests are just to help guide you. They're not an end all and be all. They are simply there to help you find a path that you can hopefully go and discover a little bit more about yourself. Go explore, go experience and go to learn the things that turn you on and the things that don't work. Do it safely, be smart about your choices and have fun.

Only through discovery and exploration will you find where you belong. Hopefully along the way you will find somebody special that can help draw those qualities out in you, rather than suppress you. Taking some time to actually think about the qualities that you desire in somebody else is time well-spent. This is not a race and the right people will understand your need for education and time to process. If they push or become aggressive and forceful you have your answer

They say oh my god I see the way you shine
Take your hand, my dear, and place them both in mine
You know you stopped me dead when I was passing by
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time
Ooh I see you, see you, see you every time
And oh my I, I like your style
You, you make me, make me, make me wanna cry
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time
So I say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me oh oh oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me ay ay ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again
I said oh my god I see you walking by
Take my hands, my dear, and look me in my eyes
Just like a monkey I've been dancing my whole life
And you just beg to see me dance just one more time
Ooh I see you, see you, see you every time
And oh my I, I like your style
You, you make me, make me, make me wanna cry
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time

For me sometimes I feel like this. A dancing monkey. Made to perform. Drawn into the act the excitement but at the end all I feel like doing is throwing monkey poo at everyone and eating a banana (maybe not in that order). For some reason this song always gets me up and moving. It motivates me when i get knocked down or trip over, which is kind of ironic. Thats me today, dusting myself off after falling on my face yet again. Oh well hope you enjoy xx

I've been asked many times what it is in particular I like about rope. To be honest there are many elements that I enjoy. But I think at the root of my love for the art of it lays in what it gives me.

My mind is often very active and in my personal life I hardly ever sit still. I dont sleep much, I'm a singke mum and I work a lot. When I commit to doing something with rope a lot of that disappears. When I'm bound and unable to move I can't fight the Rope like I can everything else. Instead rope wraps me up in a blanket, it calms my thoughts, it slows my breathing and I've even noticed it raises my body temperature. It's almost as if it puts me to a meditative state . Cancelling out the noise around me.

Yes rope can be very erotic in play, being bound in positions open to others but in my first experiences I've had with rope it lays deeper than that. It brings me comfort, it brings me peace, it settles my thoughts and helps me concentrate. Because I can not fight against it, instead I happily give into it. Let it wash over me. Let it keep me in place, like pulling in stitches.
 

Rope was my first introduction to this world and it will always be with me.

The past year has been an emotional awakening. I had spent so long keeping myself contained. To not rock the boat, to not displease those close to me.

This period has shown me many things about myself, some good some bad. The most important though is acknowledging what it is i want. Not only out of love but life. Today i have so many memories flooding through me that it is painful.

The birth of my children and the moments of strength and love i felt from my then partner, all the way through now with him saying I was an emotionless person. The part that hurt the most out of that was he was the one I thought new me the best out of anyone, even now that we were not together. But those words undid any of the last delusions I might have had. For so long thinking it was all my fault. That i should have tried harder, should have been more..... through to the memories of my deceased mother in law. Longing for her words and laughter. Missing even the moments when she drove me crazy. Its all in a ball in the pit of my stomach.

Deep down I know that these moments are what make me stronger. They are what help me grow and shape me to who I am. That his words although hurtful no longer hold me in my cage. Instead they slowly and painfully open me back up again.... by letting me go. Helping me see what was good for me and what is not.

So now it's like im learning to feel again.
Learning how to function.
I cant go backwards.... so there is only one way. To let this heart cry as much as it needs. Till it is healed and learns to forgive itself. I think for me thats the hardest concept of all. Forgiveness of self. I wear the hurt with a smile as I drag my feet along the ground. But the heaviness is starting to crumble. To drop away. As I realise that I was being contained by a path that was never mine. That yes I made choices but given the chance I wouldn't change them.

Acceptance. Acknowledgement. Peace. Love..... I owe it all to myself before anyone else.

Ive realised in my sleepless slumber that i have not been being true to myself. That in my search for someone i have been accepting people due to my own loneliness. Due to my desire to be wanted and needed.

I have lived a sheltered life. Due to that i find myself learning lessons that most might learn in their early 20's. I walk away from things feeling lost, hurt and for what? I give myself mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically too soon. Some who have met me might  disagree with that. Say im gaurded. The truth is i fall for the idea of someone and that can be dangerous. Because it is not them i feel for but for hope. 

So i am going back to being true to myself. No more meeting people because it's expected. If they can not communicate to me on a standard level and hold a conversation then NO.

If they push early on to try play or control me. Then NO.

However if they take the time to get to know me, show interest, take time and show respect, give me desire, give me dare i say romance...... i can get sex or play no problem. But that's not what im after. And im quite happy to wait......

See maybe the past few little things that I've experienced have been because i lost sight of myself. I fell for hope rather than reality. I dropped my standards for good looks and attention. From now on Im waiting for that pull. Ive felt it before and i know i will again, it just might take some time.