Silent Observations

There are 2 parts of myself that I am learning to nurture, handle and understand at the same time. 

I am a fantastic mimicker. It was a skill I learned as a child and followed it through my psyche till adulthood. Unnoticed by me and most the people around me. Im also an empath which additionally helps me adapt very quickly.

My past Dom called me a Chameleon. That I have a great ability at assessing somebody's needs and desires of me and adjusting myself very quickly. Almost within seconds. It is a survival technique and one that is used to actually show my vulnerability. Which is to be accepted. And he spotted it immediately but waited for me to recognize it. Something that I am working on atm is external validation and to not be so reliant upon it. This is my hardest challenge yet. Im finding myself having to read things over and over week to week to grasp them properly. Undoing something I have done naturally since being a child takes time. 

On my opposite side I can be quite controlling, a leader in groups and driven. I automatically take charge if no one else does. I become agitated if there is no structure. Especially in academic or work settings. I have no problem in having a team and organising them to function. Sort issues. Delegate. Contribute. I also have no problem not being in charge if the process seems logical to me. I have lived in my logical, controlling, masculine centre for too long. So long that its comfortable but not fulfilling in the slightest. Actually it frustrates me when I am required to fill that roll.

So how can these elements coexist. How do I have two complete opposite behaviors. One showing my confidence and the other my vulnerabilities. 

In truth they are BOTH my vulnerabilities. The fear of being seen and the intolerance for trust in people. However I dont see them completely as negatives. 

"It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover and recreate who we are from time-to-time. This is also a very important process in life as it leads to maturity, change of horizon's and psychological growth. For that to happen however we need to know who we really are. Why? So then we won't end up betraying our core values and forgetting what truly drives our motivations" @abigail-dantes/need-for-approval-and-external-validation

When I enter my Chameleon state I thankfully only seem to copy the traits I see as positive ones. Which as I now know it to be, is the light that is within myself but I do not recognize it. I disable myself and hand that power to the person I see as where I want to be. 

So I have been treading water this week constantly mulling over the same thought process. Additionally trying to let go of somebody who started this fire in the first place. Questioning why it is that I still feel that I need their validation to continue. Wishing for their guidance. But the truth is, this is my journey and deep down I do know that. Sometimes it just feels like I've been guided into a deep dark forest and once I don't know my way back, I've been pushed in and left to find my own way out. 

All I can do is what I have been doing. Being gentle with myself, observing myself, journaling, reading, exercise, meditate to quiet my mind. Breathe to release the pressure on my throat and sleep. Made a list of things that drive me, that im passionate about or that I want to learn and using that as my process for growth. 

I am grateful for the things I receive. For they help me grow and to not stay comfortable. I am grateful for the love I received, although short its possibly all I needed. Trying to learn to flow and not fight. Sending out much love and gratitude 

Happy Days. I love my beach. It brings me such peace. Sunrise has been my favorite thing of late 💕💕

Being seen has been a fear of mine. Especially being seen sexually, in my true feminine self. To be loving, soft, sensual and desireable was reserved for only those close to me. Which was not many because that too was difficult. Constantly kept in a state of on guard from the evils and enemies.... from myself. It was all from myself. 

Stepping out of that fear and embracing myself. Not worried of past judgements, they do not control me. Trying to step through my own perceptions. To evolve and gain true understanding of myself.

Its ok to be seen. To be desired. To be sexual. I can do these things and still remain true to myself. We are all many things, not one word or action defines  us. Im allowed to be a contradiction to myself, from who I was yesterday and who I might be tomorrow. Im an introvert by nature but i still wish to be seen. Fear has led that desire to hide. Im also wondering if fear is what causes my need to be accepted. They run hand in hand. 

To not be seen but to be accepted. 
To not be perceived a certain way but the need to please.

Contradictions. One side of the scale to the other. No balance in between. Driven by fear and need. So deep that I did not even notice its actions and driving forces. Placed there by others and then I made them my own. 
So lets try a new approach. Love. Gratitude and kindness. Towards myself. To enable myself and not hand my definitions and emotions to someone else. Through blame of their actions or words I am giving that person my power and disabling me..... 

🥂 So here is to being seen, here is to being more fearless, vulnerable, loving of self and gratitude for everything good or bad that comes my way. 

So today I walk around with Alicia Keys playing in my head..... This girl is on fire...... Fire for myself to love myself. Today is a day of lingerie and rope. Because it makes me happy, it makes me feel beautiful and sexy. Its a part of me and I'm embracing it. I dont need to show everything to be sexy and thats not me. But to not be seen at all is also not healthy. Today is balance. Today is love, acceptance and kindness. 💕🤟

I love being in love. Its so addictive and I openly give love to men so easily. I dont mean sex I mean love. Men are beautiful creatures, I absolutely adore you. Yes they can be frustrating as hell and sometimes stupid 😜. But generally I love the safety of a mans love, his embrace, his strength, direction, his ability to make decisions based of logic rather than emotion. I was brought up surrounded by boys and became a tomboy myself. I was always welcomed into mens groups, often recognized as one of their own. As an adult I stepped ever so slowly into the feminine roll and now Im seeking to completely embrace her. 

The thing is I like myself this way. I like giving so much. I love being open, soft, emotional and honest. I have a big heart and I just want to share it. Funny though that for some people it is too much. They have openly told me so. That I love too deeply, fall to hard. It scares them and they often dont know what to do with it all. As a consequence I seem to have a soft spot for men who struggle to accept they are worthy of it. They are often strong and confident in many other aspects of themselves and their lives. Extremely masculine which I looooove. Yes I get hurt. But I would rather be who I am than try and control and restrict my emotions (like I have done in my past). 

However I have realised that by being so blinded by my desire to be loved, that I look for fault within myself as a form of self sabotage. I give out so much and accept so little. Like im waiting fir them to wake up and see me in a different light. So it is like I date a mirror. I find people who are passionate and considerate, who give me the attention I desire and adoration but neither one of us beleive we are worthy of it. Not deep down. Which in turn means we talk ourselves out of it. Like a warped, twisted circle. So to break the cycle I must first love myself much much more than what I have been (and I honestly thought I was in love with myself). 

I need to be brutally honest with myself. 
Spend time with myself. 
If I dont like the things I see, then change them till I do. For me and for no one else. So that when HE comes along I can proudly say this is me, here I am with no fear.

I read something a few weeks ago which I knew was important so I kept a record. Now that I have had my realisation these words seem extremely relevant.

"So let's say you meet somebody and you look up to them, and you admire them and you're attracted to them. And you're too humble to admit that what you see in them is inside you. You assume that they have something you don't. You disown what you see in them, you deflect it and you in a sense dismember it from your mind. In the process of doing that you put them on a pedestal, you put yourself in a pit. You exaggerate them towards an expansion, and you minimise yourself towards a contraction."

"The moment that you have a conscious and unconscious split you devide your mind from one to many and dissempower yourself.
You put your personas on which are masks. The pride mask or your shame mask. This isn't you this is the false you, the facades that you cover your body and mind with. The moment you do that you just empower yourself because you're dissowning parts of that. The truth is you have everything. You're both Hero and Villain you're both saint and sinner. You have both vice and virtue. So putting people up or down instead of putting them in your heart is a dissempowering act." 

"So by using the law of one and the many, you're going in there and you're owning the parts, whatever you perceive in them. You're not above or below people. You now have equanimity and objectivity.You're seeing things for the whole and not the part, and your re-empowered and youve extracted from your misperception. A fuel of opportunity to go do something and transcend what you were judging. When you do you now function from a higher level of performance, a transcendent state instead of an imminently emotional state." ~ Dr John Demartini

Sitting naked at my desk that sits at the end of my bed. Typing away on my computer finalising the last points of my research paper. Its a cool morning. My skin slighty tingles wanting warmth. My heart, a large fire or light keeps me going ignoring my bodies desire for clothing or a blanket. I want to feel more alive this morning. Focused on my one task. 

I was disheartened yesterday and it feels to have carried through to the morning. So no I dont want to hide under blankets and clothes. My pride had taken a hit. 

Yesterday had started with positivity and love for myself and gratitude for the things around me. But my life this week has been messy. The man I called my Daddy left me as soon as he had arrived. Like a whirlwind of fire and passion. But he taught me some fast lessons, and his pure presence ignited my own fire for life. So I spent a day in my emotional cocoon then healed and felt marvellous by morning. 

As I sit at work accomplishing my day I received a phone call from my doctor. Appears that is not all he left me. He gave me a mild virus to contend with aswell. A parting gift...... thanks. But ok still not going to let it dampen me. I will focus on my university work and in myself.
My last assignment did not reach as high as I wanted and I found out last night. At the end of my day full of work and unwanted phone calls. I was drained but focused. Needing to complete my assignment. But now my spirits where dampened and I started to doubt myself. Maybe I wont pass. 

No
Stop that
Deep breath and refocus. Spoke to my study girls who helped guide me back to where I needed to be.

So today I sit naked in the cool morning. Allowing my energy to feel depleted. Because I have achieved my task. My assignment completed. My mind can rest and my body and soul can heal it. Let that skin tingle. Let my mind be at ease. Breath and have gratitude.

Not every day needs to be a new challenge. Its ok to be still dear soul. Its ok to feel tired. Rest. Love. Recover. Sunshine to clear my head and warm my heart. Meditation to find my way to my next step. Rest. Love. Recover. Continue 

Xxxxxx

One thing on my mind today is fear. Specifically how to first listen to my fears and second remove them. I've realised, just like many people, I have a fear of failing. I have a fear of being seen as the bad person. I Lose Myself to my fears completely subconsciously. I let them control me and I let them allow the capacity for people to use them against me. Overcoming fears is so not an easy process (obviously) and I'm kind of struggling to figure out where to start. The biggest fear that I want to remove from my psyche is the fear of disappointing people, the fear of people not liking me because this fear has caused me to live a life controlled by others. Specificly right now it is causing me financial harm. Because I'm afraid to be the bad guy yet again and I'm afraid to loose a friendship and potentially make my life difficult, to invite complexities and anxieties back into my life because I would be changing the rules. However if that was the result of me standing my ground I accept that it is the other person's issuer not mine.

I think for me personally though I need to find a way that's it's comfortable with who I am and my characteristics but by setting boundaries and sticking to them. Learning to express myself when things are not for my benefit. Especially if this means that I am putting myself in a lower position to help raise somebody else up higher. I also need to learn to accept that sometimes I will be perceived as the bad person and to know deep within myself that that's ok. I constantly put other's first I say the words "yeah sure that's ok" way too easily. I over commit I don't vocalise and in that moment I'm not being true to myself. I really don't know how to make this step it's really something that I want to be able to do because it's weighing me down and I need to find a way of letting go of that big boulder.

After 17 years in a relationship I walked away with the bare minimum so that I may be free. And i went into survival mode. I accepted all the guilt that came with a broken relationship. Because the sad thing was, I beleived it. I allowed my fears of disappointing and I allowed the shift of guilt and I accepted it and I've carried it. And I'm sick of carrying it.

I need to find a strength  but I don't know where to find it. When you are so conditioned to accept guilt, when there is always a manipulative undertone, to just accept that I was always wrong it is hard to break that tie even though it has now been a couple of years those tendencies are still present. I know that it is about valuing my own self worth and I've been pretty good at building myself up so far. I feel like these are the last few battles to push through and once I do I'll finally be freed from it.

So I'm stripping back. Being naked. Being vulnerable. Being open. Acknowledging that im affraid. Acknowledging that I cant control other peoples perceptions of me. But to just be me. To find the reason why i feel this way. To stop people using my empathy against me..... because i understand now that it is my choice to allow this treatment of me. Its easier now for me to say no at the start but to go back to old acquaintances/relationships/dynamics and stand up for myself is 100 times harder.

Ive started exploring a new dynamic with a Daddy. The best way I can describe him is a quote I found and fell in love with before I even met him.

"I, with a deeper instinct,Choose a man
Who compels my strengths,
Who makes enormous demands on me,
Who does not doubt my courage or my toughness,
Who does not beleive me naive or innocent,
Who has the courage to treat me like a woman" ~ Anaid Nin

One element he is adamant on is that we are not codependent on each other. That we both hold a safe loving space for each other but continue our own personal journeys for our destination or paths. To be our true selves and not an illusion of what we believe the other person wants. To feel love openly with no agenda. Sex and play is how we worship each other and deepen our connection, yet we are not dependent on false promises to eachother. To be 100% open about our emotions, desires (not just physically but also in life) and intentions.

For me personally it feels liberating. He allows me space to explore sexually and mentally but also demands that I'd be the best version of myself by being true to myself. Not by holding me back and confining me to his way of thinking. Rather encourages me to form my own opinions and is not scared of my intelligence or spirit.

It is something I have never experienced before. Even as a young adult I was controlled by the fears and desires of others. So it's fair to say that I have accepted this new encouraging form of love and affection and it is addictive. Which has me wondering about the differences between attachment and codependence.

Attachment: noun
1. An extra part or extension that is or may be attached to something to perform a particular function
2. Affection, fondness or Sympathy for someone or something

Co-dependancy: noun
Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who require support on account of illness or addiction.

I feel like I have spent a lot of time working on myself for the past 3 years. Two of those years I've spent single. I like the way I am now and I'm proud of how far I have come.  I used to question my motives for being submissive and honestly as much as I desired it I also struggled with trust. I struggled with handing over control (because I'm a control freak). When I met my Daddy it all made sense to me. I had not worked this hard to have someone try to change everything about me (Yes I know that is an entirely different topic). But rather I wanted a partner, someone who would help me dream big rather than lock me up (pun intended). So when I compare attachment to co-dependency I much prefer the the premise of attachment. 

This does not mean my heart is not full. Actually it means the opposite. It means that the love I have for myself takes pride of place. I hold a special place for my Daddy however I do not rely soley on him. My happiness is not because of him but he helps to echo it. He takes it and magnifies it. I do not need another person to complete me, because I am not broken. But I do want love, attention and someone to walk with me. He loves my independence and he can't wait to see me blossom with his love and attention. In fact I have never felt so happy and open. 

I know that my interpretations may not resignate with everybody and that's ok. We all have different paths and different directions that life brings us. For me this feels like the right direction and a positive move.

Im actively seeking a new path at the moment. I have had about 4 or 5 months of happily sitting in a place of nothingness after going through the excruciating process of letting go of guilt. One of the hardest yet most rewarding processes I've done so far.

My heart and mind are destined for more than what I can comprehend and I am now trying to open them up again to keep gently progressing forward. 

To try and have no agenda to my emotions. To not dictate to them where they must flow but rather embrace whatever direction they might lead me. I am a person used to control so this is not an easy process for me. Im nervous and excited to see where I end up. Seeking out my fears and vulnerabilities. Seeking out to be able to let go of preconceived ideas of how I have been told or shown that my life should be. Accepting that I have been allowing other people's fears to drive MY decision making and trying to step away from that. This will take some times. Lots of time. But I am already starting to see the benefits. Welcoming new open  people to my life who help keep me on my path. Communicating more clearly with others defining my intent and learning to not apologise or justify myself just because I feel awkward. To just be my true self.....

For anyone interested here is a light hearted researcher giving a talk on vulnerability. 

I am still to learn patience and to feel comfortable in my solitude.

People are not designed to be alone. We crave touch, smells, sounds and tastes of other people. To be connected mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I do usually enjoy a little peace and a little solitude. I am an introvert by nature. But that does not mean I dont desire connection. I love nothing more than a deep connection. But today I am missing that contact. Ive been at work and had people around me but its a different feeling than just being social..... its missing that depth, craving that feeling of desire and happiness of contact. To feel flesh and taste words, to breath in the masculine and feel connected to my feminine.

I made a promise to myself to be more open to possibilities and opportunities and then the world closed down like an Alanis Morissete song. So I have to wait a little longer and continue to try to learn that golden rule of patience.

Sometimes I feel like a dog chasing its tail. I might switch and change directions but the result is always the same. Im just never quite fast enough. I think when this is all over I will try find a cuddle buddy. Someone to give and share closeness with that does not overstep my boundaries..... cause everyone needs a hug sometimes and company in quiet closeness can do magical things. It helps, heals and fills your heart with little words spoken.

Stay safe xxx