Silent Observations

We all have different versions of a unicorn. Different requirements, different desires. Sometimes we think we know what we want and other times questioning whether we can bend the rules. But the reality is I think we only bend the rules when we get tired of looking for that unicorn. It's ok to want what we want. And it can be tiring and lonely as we wait and look for that person or persons. I think one of the hardest things to do is to stay true to yourself. Many people will try and convince you that they are perfect for you. Promise you the world. These are the ones that I'm cautious of. I rather the ones who are real who have baggage and issues because that makes them human. Nobody is perfect and I don't want perfect. I just want the one who is perfect for me. 

I was contemplating whether I was missing out on opportunities and special connections by not bending my rules. But these rules are more than that, they are my morals. If I lose sight of my morals then I Lose Myself. I feel that I could very easily enter something casual that offered me false hope. But in the end I would still be searching for the same thing. I feel that it would be more damaging to be with somebody who does not necessarily cherish me the way that I need. Who doesn't want only me. I wish to be enough, I wish to be their everything, not there something in between. And return they deserve more than that from me as well. 

I can't bend my morals, I have to have faith that in time when I am more settled things will fall my way.

My Little side had a tiny dose of attention this week. She received affection. Long cuddles, gentle strokes and held down kisses. It left me feeling light, happy and hopeful. Best part was i completely underestimated this person. He came from nowhere and pulled me in. His space was calm, affectionate and respectful.

I think one of the worst things for a little sometimes is to dream. I try my hardest to stay level headed most times. To not let my heart run away from me. But sometimes no matter how hard I try that little girl just wants to dream.

Today though, a few days after her dose of cuddles and kisses her dreams were washed away. By the words of saying he thought our connection was strong, that  he thinks im amazing and interesting but he can only offer play and no more. Now i really was doing well at being level headed this time. I was just taking it as it comes. 
But in one foul swoop the idea of more was chopped off at the knees. Not just for me but him too. He was equally upset and talked to me all day. I can't help feel like we are missing out on something truely and deeply amazing. All because i struggle to just simply play. Im too sensitive. And he is not ready for more.

I've heard a saying before that when you meet someone and it feels like it's just wrong timing, it's not the timing it's the person. How can it be wrong when it felt so comfortable, so connected and so easy. 
So tonight my Little is trying to shelter under blankets but it's not working. When I close my eyes I remember our cuddles and how he felt laying next to me. Relaxing to my touch. Today I comforted him and said it was ok. That i understood.... i guess someone forgot to tell my Little that 

I want to taste tears
I want to free the beast from its cage
Mad like my aging soul
I want to make it all
Worth something
Worth the guillotine on my head
I'm a fantastic wreck
Wrecking everyone around me
I'm a fantastic wreck
And if I'm a little bit deranged would you not
Estrange me
Or change me
And if I can write your name can I be
Angry and
Nasty
And if nothing else can change me
And I am just this way then
Would you love me?
I want to tease skin
I want to lace wings from all the faults in my name
Walking heavy on a crystal life
I want to make myself
Worth something
Worth the thoughts that run through my head

I would love to love you. 

To press my breasts up against your skin. To open up my legs and let you bury yourself deep within. For my wetness to be yours and to cover you in it. To let you push me to the place where my body quivers and my mind is clear. To the place where my heart is full. 

I would love you with my caressing fingers that would touch you all through the day. To make sure that you are comfortable. To talk deeply with you and openly . So that I may know every piece of you. I would love to make things right for you to care for you, to cook for you, too clean for you. 

I would sit on aching knees for you. 
I would have prickly skin for you. I would love to be used by you. 

Because I know this is what you deserve. What you deserve is my everything. Because that's what you give to me. Even the smallest of touches. Your heart, your mind, your control, I love it all . No safer place is in your arms or sitting between your legs. As you caress my hair and look down lovingly into my eyes. I would love you forever if you would be mine.

You come home today. You've only been away for three days but i have missed you. Being an international pilot means some times we have limited contact when you work and it kills me. So I want to please you. I spent the whole day making sure that the house is clean the fridge is stocked with all your favourite food. My hair is right, my nails are done and my pussy is nice and smooth just the way you like it. I indulged myself in a little shopping and bought you something nice. Red and Lacy. Paying attention to the details. I know what time you're supposed to be getting home so I get to making everything right.

It's late. The house is dark accept for the faint twinkle of light from the battery T light candles that i have illuminating a path from the front door to the bedroom. And there you find me waiting. I smell you before I hear you, before I feel you. You're intoxicating. I hold my breath as I hold my pose. With my face buried in the sheets. I have my new red lingerie on. Knees in the edge of the bed, my ass high in the air legs wide. Presenting. Waiting. Dripping with excitement, knowing that you will find me this way. Your little welcome home present all wrapped up in a bow. 

My skin is covered in goosebumps as your warm hand caresses my ass cheeks. My skin aching for yr touch. You run your hands down the inside of my thighs, making my pussy clench, my excitement slowly dripping down my legs. You don't speak, you don't say a word. I wait for a command to tell me to move, to tell me what you want from me. Wanting so bad to feel yr hands on my, yr mouth yr cock. But instead I hear the crack before I feel the sting on my ass. I let out a squeak, instantly your strong hand grips my hair and pushes my head into the mattress. 

"Did I say you could make a sound a little one." Your voice strong and stern. I bite my lip and I shake my head and concentrate on staying perfectly still and silent. 

I feel you leave me, your hand, your warmth, your smell. Could i have upset  you? Are you not happy with your gift? I hear the sound of you removing your clothes in the bathroom and my heart races, my mouth is dry, all I want is for you to return to me, to touch me. My skin has missed you. I'm breathing deep & close my eyes trying to stay calm but my legs they quiver. I'm so much in my own head that I don't notice your return until I feel you push a plug inside me. The delicious that fills me. 

"Raise your head" you cover me in darkness as the blindfold goes on and i smile to myself. Holding my hand you pull me up to sit, then stand so that you may inspect what i am wearing.

I hear you circling me, your eyes feasting on me. Your lips are close to my ear when I hear your voice tell me that you're happy with what I've chosen. That you've had a long day and it's time for me to please you.

"Who do you belong to?"

"Im all yours baby" i sharp slap to my ass lets me know yr not happy with my response. "Yours Sir" i correct myself 

Your hands are warm and forceful but not rough when you place my cuffs on my wrists behind my back and clip them together.

"Show me, drop to your knees"

I do so bowing my head. Your fingers forcefully lace through my hair at  the back of my skull pulling my head back.

"Open" you command........

Let me take you on a journey. I met someone a little while ago who opened up my mind, my heart and took me under their wing. He reached into my mind and made me feel things that I have not felt in a long time. I thought this could be the one. I thought this could be the one who could help me grow, to love me for who I truly was. Not was am. I was excited to meet and we had an amazing weekend together. But there was something wrong. It wasn't in the way that he treated me. Because when we were in our hotel in a little bubble, my world was almost perfect. The thing that was wrong was me. It was my fears. We had many differences but realistically they should not have mattered. I let these fears take somebody beautiful away from me. Somebody who made me feel loved,  empowered, cherished and wanted. When we talk now we still start from that same place. He says he would have done anything to have kept me. And it makes me wonder sometimes if I will find that again. And if next time I will be ready to accept it. I was scared. Not of him but of what it could have been become. He opened me up and now I'm so closed. Now I just float through ..........waiting. I read back over my diary notes of the days that I was with him. And it makes me wonder why I couldn't do it. I know it just means that he was not my one. My God it hurt to tell him that. I think I am emotionally maturing and that is not an easy thing to do. I thought as we got older this stuff is supposed to get easier. But with all the constant questioning of self and evaluating of everything around us I wonder if we lose sight of what's important to us. If we stopped judging. If we stopped having a checklist for everybody to meet. Life would be a lot more simple and a lot less exhausting. My goal now is to be more honest with myself. To be more open to possibility. So in the process I'm just spending time on myself. I figure that when I am ready the right kind of people will enter my life. So I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope that I don't disappear into the background.

It's been a while i know..... so here is a funny. Well my kind of humour anyway

Ive forgotten how to feel sexy.

Or maybe i never really had it.

I often feel shy and awkward. I hate though that i struggle to feel sexy or desireable when I am single. When i have someone's attention however i seem to automatically switch on and its so stupid. Its kind of in reverse. I should be feeling sexy and flaunting it when im single..... right???

I really have no idea. But i do know i struggle with the idea of being perceived as desireable. I always have. Im sure that it has to do with the fact i have grown up with mostly male influences. And i consider myself to be a Tom Boy. As im good at sports, competitive and can work on my own car. I can kick it with the boys no problem.

I recently had someone say they thought i was the most feminine person they have ever met. I laughed so hard. But he continued to say that due to being in a male dominated environment i have not been given the permission to be the feminine creature they saw. And that permission needs to come from myself. To allow myself to be vulnerable in that form. I have been thinking of that of late and I feel there is a bit of truth to those words. That given the ability to let go and flourish in the safety of someones affections i tend to melt like butter. So now to figure out how to turn on my inner Lioness. Not to be promiscuous but rather to feel confident in my own skin.

I have a cycle that I tend to always do. A defense system which we all have and apply differently. It is there to protect us and keep us safe. But to let someone in past those defenses is to be truely vulnerable. To trust that they will not use those things against you. My defense like many is to emotionally block someone when they become too close. I can use work or stress to hide my insecurities and use as an excuse to hide.

First I acted like a brat, then I became defensive and pushed away..... and he didn't come back. He didn't play into my game. Said he could see I needed space so he let me be..... NO I think with a stomp of my mental foot. You are supposed to come after me, get me to open up not run away. It made me even more mad but I couldn't let it go. He said I could call. He allowed me to hear his voice before I slept which always settles me. And in that conversation he did what he does best. We talked. He analysed and told me to tell the truth. The real truth behind why was I acting this way. He pulled me open and revealed my vulnerability.

And I learned for me what my true submission is. Its not kneeling at someone's feet or letting them do glorious things to my body. It is my mind. To trust that my mind and my heart will be cared for. Im a control freak which is difficult in a submissive. So to let go of that mental control, to mentally hand my issues to someone else who I trust and just.... let..... go. Is the hardest thing for me. And as he said last night THAT is my true submission. To come to him and tell him I need him. Im an independent woman. But I need him and he will only enter my head space when I invite him. No games. He will just walk away if I don't ask. Acknowledging and then being vulnerable is so hard for me. Saying I need help. That I need him.

But he did it. And it makes my heart smile. I feel like a weight has been lifted. And by this weekend I also get to feel the strength of his words in the form of his embrace. To hold me till I no longer need holding. To just let me know everything will be ok. He has reached a part that very very few people have gotten past and he did it by breaking me down, seeing past my answers and asking for more. Till i was crying. Not because he was hurting me but because I was finally being honest. Then he told me the one thing that I never want to hear. That I failed. I failed because of my behavior but I did eventually correct that. That I am safe to fail with him and he expects it. Because that means I am learning him. I hate being told Ive failed. I hate feeling like I am anything but perfect which in itself is stupid. To let me crumble in front of him and to be told its ok. That he is still here just makes me long for him more. 

Grab me by my ankles

I've been flying for too long
I couldn't hide from the thunder
In the sky full of song

And I want you so badly
But you could be anyone
I couldn't hide from the thunder
In the sky full of song

Hold me down, I'm so tired now
Aim your arrow at the sky
Take me down, I'm too tired now
Leave me where I lie

~ sky full of song, Florence and the machine