Silent Observations

When things dont go right or turn out the way we want it hurts. We've all felt that pain. It's easy to feel unwanted and lonely. To analyze yourself and see where things went wrong. To grieve the loss of what could have been. Majority of the time it is because something or someone better suited to us is out there. That we fabricated who this person could be or a certain level we expect when really that is not them. We feel disapointed. All of this is normal and a process we all must go through.

Once this is over however we want to move forward. But maybe we are not ready to. Maybe we are still emotionally unavailable. Physically willing and heartfelt wanting but not emotionally ready to commit to someone else.

Sometimes we force this process and in turn end up hurting more people. Never truely alone for long, searching for our next person. If this sounds like you I want you to stop for a moment. Take a breathe. Understand that just like your past failed relationship where they could not satisfy your wants or needs, that again you are forcing a relationship/dynamic. To fill a deep longing inside. Its easy to use others to make ourselves feel better and wanted.

Sometimes its hard to know when you are ready to move on. Normally when someone catches you off guard and you have had the time by yourself to process, that means you might be open and ready. Do not be affraid to take the time to make sure that you can give all of yourself to the next person you choose to. This is not just aimed at submissives but at dominants as well. Im currently sitting on the otherside. I was pursued and captivated. Until it was time to meet and he realised he still had feelings for his ex vanilla gf. I understand. I get it. But dont expect me to chase you. The o ly thing thar has me still here is his honesty.

Just like anybody else I expect all of you. You will receive all of me. So I expect you to be consumed just as much as I am. That we are both able to build a dynamic together on equal levels. Yes equal. I am the submissive and i openly hold you above me, if you let me all the way in so that i can help you reach that high place. But emotionally and mentally contributing equal amounts.

So ask yourself if you are everything you think.

Physically ready. To have someone elses hands and lips (plus more) on you .... tick

Mentally ready to let this person in and show them my faults as well as my awesomeness.... tick

Emotionally available to give them every last breath of me...... tick

Then yes you're ready.

As always communicate and explain where you're at. If you are speaking to someone worth while they will understand. I dont expect my dominant to be perfect. I expect him to be human. But if you approach me you must be ready.

This stuff is real and people become invested. Take your time to make sure you are ok before you move on. Dont use others for your happiness, because when they are gone you will still be left with only yourself.

Want me to love you in moderation
Do I look moderate to you?
Sip it slowly and pay attention
I just have to see it through
You got me looking for validation
Pastures new
Want me to love you in moderation
Well, who do you think you're talking to?

[Chorus]
Then bow your head in the house of God
And little girl, who do you think you are?
You think you need it, you think you want love
You wouldn't want it if you knew what it was
Moderation
Moderation
Moderation (Ooh)

[Verse 2]
I never made it with moderation
No, I never understood
All the feeling was all or nothing
And I took everything I could
Can't hold it back, I can't take the tension
Oh, I'm trying to be good
Want me to love you in moderation
Well don't you know, I wish I could

I wish to wake up slowly in a fast moving city. Sitting by the window in your borrowed shirt. The smell of you wrapped around me. Taking in the views of the morning bustle. My body aching every time I move from the night before.

I smile broadly at the thought. Your handsome naked form lay outlined under the sheets. Satisfied you sleep. It warms my heart and ignites my soul to know that in me you find solace. In my skin, my heart, my mind and my loins.

You excite me like no other. Your eyes that look so deep into me as you pierce me. Longing to feel you. To have you fill me completely. To make my body ach and tingle in delight. To fill up my heart and soal with your breath. To be made yours over and over. Marked. Bitten. Loving.

There you lay. Unaware of how much I adore you. How much you consume me. You are my every thought. How far I would go for you.

I need to touch.

I need to taste.

I cant resist.

As I slowly pull the sheets back reveling my love. Perfection. Because of who he is. Lightly running my fingers, lips and tongue till you stir.

Smiling up at you as I taste you. As I welcome you to the morning light. No words are spoken. They are not required. I feel your strength, your heat and your power as you guide me how you like.

Your eyes so intense.
Your breath fast.
Your grip strong.

I love your smoothness, your taste. Knowing that I am pleasuring you. That I can bring you to that place and ignite you. Im a hot mess but you love it. You know im only this dirty for you.  I am your beloved toy. For your eyes only.

Licking you when im done, you bend down and kiss me sweetly. You whisper for me to stay on the bed. To present myself. Then you leave. You leave me with my thoughts and desires. You know my mind is my greatest tool. I can imagine anything. In time you return with a blindfold in hand. Rope and a bag of toys which make a heavy thud as it hits the ground. And your wearing that smile. The one that lets me know you're hungry. The one that makes me squirm. But I sit as still as possible. I feel your touch. Light at first. Then scratching nails. From my face to the bottom of my feet.

Then darkness. Blindfolded. I breathe and wait....... for round two.

Love this song

My selfishness comes back to bite me. To suck on my blood and drain me. It tells me i deserve this, that im here because of me. How dare you beleive you are more than this. Making me weak. But what my vampire does not see, is the strength that it gives me. Each time i lay almost lifeless my hope grows stronger still.

She is kind to me. She holds me tight while i come undone. Then when i think of giving up she whispers in my ear. Picks up my insecurities and hugs them tight. Giving them her warmth. And lay them on me like a blanket.

My vampire sees only what he wants. Thinks he's winning with every poke and prod. I lay there quietly with tears on my cheeks. Till he's finished playing with me.

Im safe snuggled under my blanket. You can not reach me. But i might need a moment to sleep. To recharge. To rest my heavy head and aching heart. But when i rise it will be bright. I will make my hope proud.

Now firstly I don't normally play with people. Either online or irl. It takes a select few who i trust to do so. BUT it got me thinking about the importance of rollplay.

Play opens up the conversation to learn what things might be like if you were to continue. Now i have had many who have not played with me but when we got to those conversations of what was expected i found we were not a match.

Play helps me see how they would treat me, how they get turned on and what they like. It helps me judge force, aftercare, similarities in desires and so on.

I will always always always be gaurded in this manner. Its just who i am. Last night i was talking with a friend i have known casually for a little while, and we had a very nice and unexpected play. To say he surprised me is an understatement. Also knowing my boundaries he continuously asked if i was ok, if he had overstepped and if we should stop. I had been feeling a little low due to other things and maybe he caught me at a weak moment. Regardless he made me feel good. And i guess that was the point. Feeling good about myself.
So now i feel i will add possible online rollplay to a potential partner. I was surprised at his own self improvement he does through research, how caring, patient and dominant he could be.

For once im not jumping into a frenzy. Just accepting it for what it was. Two friends sharing something. And obviously something that i needed

A friend told me. If i wish to change my outcome then i need to change my responces.... or something along those lines.

Firstly thank you.

I have been thinking on this since you said it. I do have the same knee jerk reaction. One thing i tend to do is over analyze as ive spoken of before. Pick apart what I did and how can i do better..... but what if its not me. Granted sometimes it is, but also sometimes it isn't. Yet i still take on that ive done something wrong.

It got me thinking that constantly picking myself apart maaaaaaybe not the right thing to do lol. Like dah i know, im a bit slow sometimes.
Last year was a big year (and i can say last year cause im in my time machine as some say living down under). Ive woken with some slight adjustments in my attitude. My attitude has been a problem of late. Woken with some light.

To have fun. To do the things that i love. To love myself. I try to mold myself to someone when i meet them. Im not going to do that now. I spend so many hours waiting on others to make a decision (or just get up and get motivated) when ive been bouncing around the house for hours.

Im not ready. And this morning i accept that. I want to be free for a bit. Embrace the good things about myself. Im a hopeless romantic. I like being silly. I loooove the beach and i want to see more of my own country. I love mangoes. I love talking. And i have a stack of paintings in my head waiting to get out. Im also blessed with 2 beautiful creatures and the three of us will be my focus this year. Im still open to what comes along. But im not sitting around waiting for it. Im still going to have my down days we all do. But i will keep in the back of my mind about changing my knee jerk reactions.

You want me, come find me. Make sure you bring along some chocolate, a smile and some rope :)

Now im off to climb a mountain. Literally. Chowder monkey heads xxx

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR

Im a strange person. I know that. I can be whacky and silly or morbid and twisted. Either way im a little weird. And i have no problem with that. I like not being like everybody else. One of my other weird quirks is im kinky but not..... I have particular kinks that i absolutely love. Like rope, bondage, leather. I also love sensation play and deprivation. Orgasm control both forced and withheld. I love toys and all sorts BUT. I dont like talking about them in a personally sexual nature. I can sit her and talk about things Ive seen at an event, or explaining the feel of a motion or action. What i dont like is describing how i like things done to me or how it makes me feel when i do A B or C. I dont like people talking to me about a scene they can picture me in or anything alone those lines. No No No No No... just no.

This can make it hard. Hard when im getting to know someone. Especially if we are starting to click and they try to engage me in a little dirty talk.... no. It turns me right off. Like a big kick in the balls (i imagine). 

It also makes it a struggle in a kinky community. Now like i said i can happily talk about all sorts of things to do with kink and toys or whatever. But i guess im not wired like most or whatever.

The effect it has on me is so negative that i retract right back into my corner, and start calling names and throwing stones. And then i feel regret. I feel stupid. I feel like there is something wrong with me. But i also know i can not change me. Hence why i have accepted that i am a mix of Sapio and Demi sexual. Because i need a connection.

Now i know we all say that. But i really do. To feel any sort of sexual fuzziness in my panties region i need to have let down some seriously high walls to even contemplate feeling turned on by someones advances. Even then it could simply take for them to say one thing that im not into and we are back to square one.

Pretty convinced at this moment that i will die a sexless dried up old hippie who dreams of when i was young. I feel sorry for those who encounter this side of me. Cause i know they have no idea wtf just happened when i loose my shit. Its my defense system. Shut down and reboot. Try again.

So for anyone else out there who feels even slighly like i do you're not alone. I was never really interested in anyone when i was younger. Porn does very little. I thought i could have easily had been a nun. I can appreciate a good body, but it doesn't get me excited. Talking to someone for hours does. But only to my rules....... it will take a ridiculously patient and perceptive person to conquer this weirdo 

I learnt an important lesson last night. I am way to analytical. So much so i use it as a defense. It makes me emotional and i pull myself apart. I think i have done this my entire life. If something scares me i analyze it until i either justify not doing or partaking in something, or exhaust all possibilities and remove the simple fun aspect. In a lot of cases it has kept me safe. Ive always had a level head. But sometimes i wish i was a little more care free.

Im at a point now of a crossroads. I need to stop my usual approach and lead with my heart. Otherwise i will forever be stuck in this revolving pattern. It is exhausting always thinking.

There is only so much i can learn from questions, blogs, forums and my friends.

There is only so far that i will explore at an event.

Ive always learnt better from doing rather than reading.

And there is no going back to where i was. So..... i either sit still....... or move forward.

Trying to let go a little more each day so that i may be freed completely