Just me

Yep I'm back at it.  This one is a lot of chaos as I cant seem to reign in my thoughts.  I am in no way talking about any particular person or gender it's just what I've noticed going on lately.  

You play your games with people
You hide behind the lies
You think people wont see
You pull her in with your promises
Keep her hanging on every word
Promise her safety and security
All while isolating her and spinning your web
They say females are black widows
That we strike to kill
You dont seem to understand
You are the ones who made us this way
You make sure were wrapped up in you
Devoted to you then you drop off
You cant handle it, you ghost or say it's the right thing to do
We feel guilty and want to protect you
As time passes small pieces of us die
We may grow stronger in standing on our own
But our hearts are growing cold.

Seeing them move on to the next is hard,
Not knowing if they will come back is hard but standing up and saying enough is the hardest.
I am so irritated. I've been sitting back again watching what's going on. God the things I've seen. People ghosting blaming their real life or the virus, others flirting with people, others actions impacting people who were tied to them.

Look heres the thing even Casper asked "Can I keep you" the thing of it is he is a damn ghost. He didnt vanish out of her life, he didnt look for someone else. He didnt make her feel bad for trying to be human and stand alone.

In this crazy time we need to support and love eachother. Be strong and come together. Not make excuses. Think of our actions and how it may affect those we cared for. Make sure we build eachother up. I am not saying by any means that there aren't people doing that. As a sub I know I need the reassurance, I need the support. I get lost in who I am and forget that I am a kick ass female who gives herself freely to a kick ass man. Sometimes I forget that I am strong, that I stood alone long before I had a Sir or a Master. That even now being alone I am strong. If I can do this so can you!

So to all my friends reading this nonsense know this, you dont need someone to make you strong you need you! You gave yourself to someone and when life got crazy were they strong enough to "Keep you" I know i have yet to meet the one strong enough to keep me but damn me if I give up!

Guess I need to tie this to my other Syndromes..... put your fucking shoes on those pretty new legs, let the lost boys go, grab your spaghetti to eat on the run, turn around take a bow say your welcome and have that Casper moment with yourself realizing only you can keep you.

The chaos around me has taken its tole. I tried to pretend I was good, faking the smile while stuffing the fear. I go to work and keep everyone calm reassure them that we will be okay. I come home and do the same.
Then it's time for bed and there isnt anyone there to do that for me. So my brain wont stop coming up with what ifs. I lay there for what seems like hours unable to sleep because I'm worried about everyone else. When I finally fall asleep my alarm goes off and it starts all over again.
Today I wanted to write, I wanted to Express myself but I cant find it in me. I dont have words of advice, i dont have a fantasy story to tell. There is just a blank, a nothing....
I know it's my own doing causing the block, I know it's because I cant let go of the crap going on. I just wish there was a way to forget the world around me for a moment. Just one moment.
I want that safe place, the warm arms to cuddle into. The person who clears my mind and let's me be me. I need to feel someone I need to know I am needed. (Not in a work sort of way because trust me with how much my phone goes off I think work would fall apart without me), I have mastered self care lol. The issue is everyone needs to feel a touch.
Of course a song pops in my head "I touch myself" but let me just say even that doesnt make up for another human holding you saying it's okay I got you. If you have a snuggle partner get some extra cuddles in there for those of us that dont. Be thankful for the moments we have physical contact becasue you never know when it will be gone.
The Master may silence the head, The Dom may quiet the fear, but it's the sub who holds her own power to say I can do this without and I will be strong till Master/Sir can take over.

💜phe💜

I have to say I find this funny, people are wearing masks and gloves. They do not change them so they are breating in the same crap they push out over and over. They dont change their gloves and touch everything including their face. These items are not magical they do not kill a virus and keep you safe. You have to change them, you have to wash your hands.
Social distancing only works if you stand at least 6 feet away from someone. I find it funny how you can stand next to someone coughing or sneezing but when you see me coming in my scrubs you make a very big effort to move far away from me.
As healthcare workers we are already being yelled at because we are not accommodating people. We dont bend the government rules for one individual. Then we risk our health treating people. We go to the store to find essential items and they are gone, okay all things we can deal with but to make me feel like I carry the virus because I wear scrubs is wrong.
You use to come to me for advice when I was in scrubs, now you act like I am the virus. You use to seek my help and now you act like you know more than I do about the virus. Remember those you treat this way may someday be holding your hand when your sick and afraid and guess what we wont treat you the way you treated us.
We will offer love, compassion, understanding, support, friendship, a shoulder to cry on and most importantly we WILL FIGHT FOR YOU.
Be kind to eachother be fair and most of all dint judge becasue of the type of work I do!
This is a hard time for all of us but honestly have you looked around to see how hard it is for someone else? What about your neighbors who cant get for themselves, or the children who cant see their friends and are scared, the single moms or dads or both parents who are laid off becasue they arent "essential". Yes I say be cautious but not to the point where you hurt someone else because you have no idea where their heads at.

💜phe

I have to say I find this funny, people are wearing masks and gloves. They do not change them so they are breating in the same crap they push out over and over. They dont change their gloves and touch everything including their face. These items are not magical they do not kill a virus and keep you safe. You have to change them, you have to wash your hands.
Social distancing only works if you stand at least 6 feet away from someone. I find it funny how you can stand next to someone coughing or sneezing but when you see me coming in my scrubs you make a very big effort to move far away from me.
As healthcare workers we are already being yelled at because we are not accommodating people. We dont bend the government rules for one individual. Then we risk our health treating people. We go to the store to find essential items and they are gone, okay all things we can deal with but to make me feel like I carry the virus because I wear scrubs is wrong.
You use to come to me for advice when I was in scrubs, now you act like I am the virus. You use to seek my help and now you act like you know more than I do about the virus. Remember those you treat this way may someday be holding your hand when your sick and afraid and guess what we wont treat you the way you treated us.
We will offer love, compassion, understanding, support, friendship, a shoulder to cry on and most importantly we WILL FIGHT FOR YOU.
Be kind to eachother be fair and most of all dint judge becasue of the type of work I do!
This is a hard time for all of us but honestly have you looked around to see how hard it is for someone else? What about your neighbors who cant get for themselves, or the children who cant see their friends and are scared, the single moms or dads or both parents who are laid off becasue they arent "essential". Yes I say be cautious but not to the point where you hurt someone else because you have no idea where their heads at.

💜phe

My brain has stopped thinking

Now it just hurts

My shoulders dont carry the burden

They have fallen in pain

My heart doesnt race with panic

It pounds with exhaustion

My eyes burn not from tears

But from the lack of sleep

My physical manifestations

My be slowing me down

The mental manifestations

Are the ones that scare me

The darkness has faded slightly

I see I'm standing alone

The world goes on around me

Each in their own bubble

Today I will rest recover

Tomorrow is another day for the warrior

Today is about me and my bubble

Hugging the ones I can

Missing the ones I cant

I will cuddle and snuggle to recharge

I will giggle laugh and just be mom

I will quiet their fears

That have formed from the media

Reassure and guide them

Somewhere building us all back up

To fight the battle to come.

        My little ones are my world, as many of you know. Last night we were playing uno and questions started to fly. All about this pandemic. We dont realize the effect this has on our children. They hear bits and pieces then talk to their friends via text or facetime and poof  the world is ending. So while today is my only day off I am still doing damage control and calming fears.
My children will learn not to panic and to take something like this with compassion. Compassion for the elderly who seem to be hit the hardest, compassion for the neighbor who cant get supplies because greedy people have taken them all. Compassion for the people working long hours to make sure we have what we need, compassion for those sick and those dying, and most importantly love for eachother.
I had someone offer to help if I needed becasue they know I'm front line staff. We cant get to the markets because of the hours we work. By the time I get there everything is gone. So he remembered this and offered to help. Those are the stories i want my kids to know, the ones where one human remembered they have a heart and reached out to help a fellow human.
Take the time to spread a smile or some hope. Please stop with the panic and chaos It doesn't do you or anyone around you any good. Reach out to those who you know may need an extra hand, offer some help. Call eachother because some people havent heard another's voice in days. Stand strong against this but remember to support those around you too.

** side note for healthcare workers am I the only one finding humor in the face masks? We cant get extra in the facility and yet they are EVERYWHERE on the street.

Dragging myself into the house
Unloading the small amount of items from the hell called the store
Feeding the littles and hearing them laugh
Listening to the people around me panic
Talking like the end is near
All I can do is laugh inside and think well at least you have toilet paper.
Today we were suppose to get our shipment in at work, not only are we HEALTHCARE workers working without proper protective equipment becasue their is a shortage. We no longer have TOILET PAPER for our 130 patients. Once our inventory runs out that's it.
So as people around you freak out think of those of us working long hours, checking you out of the grocery store, the elderly couple that cant get to supplies because everyone is taking more than they need, the law enforcement being called to said store to break up fights over toilet paper, the healthcare workers barely sleeping to treat your hypochondriac self, and the poor people admitted to the hospital who can not wipe their bum because you felt the need to build a fortress out of tp to defend against a virus!
I'm all in with being prepared but come on when is to much to much. I will drag my exhausted self upstairs climb in bed and do this all over again tomorrow. Wondering why people are so selfish.
So many are out of jobs right now, children arent getting a good education others are working so much they are getting sick from exhaustion and you have your little paper castle.
Sorry I had to vent. I seriously could use that safe place to be tonight as my faith in the human kind is slipping away.
Stay safe everyone, and remember at least thank someone who's overworked trying to make sure you are safe fed and healthy in your tp house!
💜phe💜

Soaring high above the ground

She sees the dark clouds forming

Far off in the distance

They are growing stronger

They are taking shape

To bring a devastating storm

She sees their tree

Hoping hes far enough away

She sees the creatures below

Moving about their days

Becoming complacent unaware

They sense no danger

Unaware of the chaos to come

The winds start to blow

Pushing her away

The storm rolling in

Darkening the day

She fights to warn them

The stoms winds to strong up here

She lands next to the tree

Sees the mark she left for him

Hoping he remembers who he was

She walks to the creatures

Praying they will listen

They move about their routines

Never noticing the change

She causes no ripple

Makes no sounds

They have tuned her out

She returns to the tree defeated

The shadows loom

Drawing close

Leaning against the tree

She pulls in tight

Tucking her toes in

Shes seen this before

The shadow draws close

Calling her to it

Pulling her in

She climbs up the tree

Trying to distance herself

The shadow follows her

Creeping so slowly up

Sliding out to the branch

She sees the soft glow of the fire

She knows there is safety there

The creatures are there

They are blissfully unaware

The shadow pulls at her

She sees the safety in the dark

The shadow starts to pull her in

Wrapping itself around her

She hears the whispers it brings

Promising safety and trust

Warmth and comfort

The storm draws closer

Creeping in on the creatures

She let's the darkness take her

She finds calm in its embrace

Wrapping up tight she looks back

The storm swoops in

Causing panic in her happy place

The darkness holds her tight

Telling her no one will touch her

She closes her eyes

Letting it take her away

She drifts with pull

Let's it guide her

Not worring anymore

She surrenders to the shadow.

💜phe💜

The hard outer shell

The thorns that prick if needed

The lure of something good

Beneath the shell lies so much more

So many to choose from

You take your time looking for one

Your stuck between two

You take them both

You bring them to your world

Let them sit waiting to see

They tempt you and yet you wait

Finally the day comes

You slice off the top layer

Start to shed the shells

They look the same

Have the same qualities

Your break it down to small chunks

Looking to see the difference

You finally take the chance

One is tart a little bitter

The other sweet and smells heavenly

You get lost in the second

Taking it all in

As you sink your teeth in

The addictive juices flow

Gripping all your sensations

You moan in pleasure

The journey to pick the best

Paying off in your joy

Finally you have found the right one.

You float off into your dreams

Letting the possibilities run wild

Enjoying the feeling

Knowing another wont ever match to this one again.

          For 2 days I've been at war with these 2. I've been debating on which is ready which isnt. Today I get to see which has that golden goodness ive been waiting for. Funny how I have a harder time deciding what to put in my mouth than who I give my heart to.

Happy Sunday cagers. 

💜phe💜

Standing alone in the dim light

A whisper behind you makes you jump

Turning quickly to see only darkness

Brushing it off you resume what you were doing

The hairs on the back of your neck rise

A shiver runs down your spine

Your breathing catches

The hushed whisper is there again

Slowly you start to turn

When that little voice inside you says no

Your frozen in place

Fight or flight takes over

Feet glued to the floor

Clenching your hands

Your body wont move

So its time to fight

"You disappoint me"

You feel the pain

Crushing your spirit

You give into the whisper

Believing the ghost

I'm a disappointment you think

The voice keeps chattering away

You sink further in

Your fist twitches and reminds you

You fought before

You took that step

You pushed him out the door

Running through a new door

You found this life.

Just because things are moving slow

Doesnt mean your the woman he said you were

His words will still cut you deep

But will you let your self bleed out

Remember the fight you had

The adventurous person you were

Look for the unknown

Life for the thrill

Never forget that his words

Are just words even now

They have no power over you.

       Sometimes we forget how hard the battle was that we had to walk out of. Our pasts create ghosts that become those annoying little voices that cause doubt. You have to talk about the doubt be open with your other and not try to fake it till you make it.

       I struggle daily to remember what it felt like when I told him where the door was. That was such a defining moment for me, but he still says something and it takes me back to being that meek shy girl who let him keep me from the world. I believed all he said I hurt still from the words hes said.

        I use to think I couldnt handle being called names but in the moment of a scene i have learned that Sirs whore or Sirs slut mean so much more and can be a turn on. This was shown to me awhile ago I just never wrote about it. Sometimes words we have grown to fear or be anxious about can be an awesome amplifier in the moment. Yes I'm Sirs good little slut.. (when I have someone that is so dont you dare call me that now!)

       Anyway my point ghosts from our past can only dictated the parts we let them. They dont get to have power if you take it back!!! I will fight with my ghosts daily but I will also remember I am not alone, I have an amazing g group of friends and my ex fucked up by not letting my "freak" side out. His loss not mine!

Happy fucking Friday 💜Phe💜

   Dear Covid-19,

        Hey I hope your having a great time causing everyone to freak out! I have to say I enjoyed your visit to our county for a few days but now I believe its time for tou to go. 

      I wanted to let you know Covid that you are a pain in the ass literally and figuratively.  I cant find any toilet paper in the stores so I guess when the apocalypse hits and my toilet paper runs out my tushie will be sore and not in a fun way! 

    I dont understand either what I shall drink because from the way you have scared everyone youd think all the water systems are tainted. 

     Covid I do have to say thank you, because of your recent visit I have been working a lot of over time, draining myself, not seeing not my kids and making myself crazy! 

         So again I hope you enjoyed your stay now get the fuck out!

💜 phe

     So as you can tell I'm about done with all this bs! I hope everyone realizes there is this neat thing called the flu that they will test you for first.  GUESS WHAT you can die from that too!! GUESS WHAT ELSE it can also cause respiratory issues. 

     People calm down  and do the basic . Avoid populated areas (costco to get all their Toilet paper and water) wash you hands, cover your cough/sneeze and keep yourself healthy. 

   PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dont believe everything you hear in the news.  I have been in conference calls every week with the California dept of health, and the information they give us I hear later on the news but it's only maybe 5% of what we were told and not the important part. 

    Stay safe and smart so you dont get a bad cold, teach the kids etiquette because those walking germ bags dont seem to be getting it but I'm sure will mutate and give it to us. MOST IMPORTANT watch out for the elderly this seems to be hitting them the hardest! 

    Live to kink another day wash your hands use your head dont forget play hard! 

J