Just me

Clearing the air
So first I know I am the queen of typos I admit that. My name however is not that. Its intently spelt that way. A great Dom friend gave me the name so he could call me Phe. As I pointed this out to someone I said I wouldnt have like to be called Phoe (foe) he then said why not Pho what's wrong with the soup. See my point.
Anyway most here call me J or PJ. No matter what I am the Phoenix, I have been for a very long time. Folk lore says that when a Phoenix bursts into flames it comes back as a Phoenix and is a female, or a Dragon which are Males (even if a wonderful Dragon here is a female!)
Anyway those of you who have seen Maleficet 2 know who becomes the Phoenix! So with that said I know I have typos, shoot I'm human i have flaws. Most of this is done on my phone not a laptop or tablet. I text fast and earn the queen of typo title, but take the time to know me and not judge me. I have been told I'm pretty smart.
Now onto my blogs, I write what I feel. I write what resignates with me. Sometimes it's a conversation with someone that sparks something in me. Sometimes it's just my emotions. I am in no way shape or form using other blogs to get ideas and spin my own story.
I have a long background and I can relate to a lot of people so if my story can turn into a blog and help someone I will share it. I wont apologize if MY story offends you, I wont defend comments made on my blogs as those individuals are entitled to their opinions.
Above everything I am a human with a huge heart. Please remember that when you critique my words here. I may be a submissive but I will bite back when you try and hit me or my friends. I am not a door mat! I will stand tall again and continue my journey. I will do this as I always have to show who I am and to make whomever my future is proud of how I handled myself.

Happy blogging cagers ?j

When she was little she was told to keep quiet. Dont let anyone see weakness. Dont give them a reason to keep hurting you. Keep your feelings in a box stuff them away becasue they will only hurt you.

As she grew this lesson kept getting played over and over. Dont let them in to that part of who you are. No one deserves to see. You are a strong young woman and if you show emotion they will think your weak.
First relationship fails, divorce comes. Somehow it's all her fault. The neglect, the lack of communication, and disrespect or support to the family were all acceptable to give to her becasue she was a army wife who didnt do as told.

Second marriage fear over takes only to be proven that speaking and sharing your feelings leaves you the one hurt. It gets used against you and becomes a weapon.

Children are present and they see the real woman. The loving supportive caring nurturing woman. They see her soul.

The woman then finds this life and is asked to show her feelings Express them. After years and years of stuffing them to protect herself she looks at the person making the request and thinks I cant. If you know you'll leave, if you know you will see my weakness, if you know you'll use it against me.
She can show you when she is with you but when she returns to her life she wont be able to express her need for you, that is a weakness, she has to be strong she has to be closed off to protect her kids. The thing is in her mind she thinks you should know she needs you.

This is me! 100% I assume people know I need them. I refuse to ask for help because hell no will I depend on someone. I know I keep my feelings hidden becasue it's a weakness. My kids see the real me, they get the strong powerful super soccermom. Inside I'm breaking every minute of everyday. I beat myself up, I have fears and anxieties. I feel like a failure.

I'm writing this becasue I know many of us are in this situation, we deny our emotions we close people out or we put on a happy face and fake it till we make it. I found writing/journaling helps me face my emotions head on. If I write what I'm felling in the moment I can then figure out why. The key is to just write the emotion not think about it till after it's on paper.

Anyway were not alone in this journey ever. Always reach out a hand, always show support even if its crying together. Your nightmare maybe my dream so maybe i can show you a different side. Talk it out communicate

Sometimes the simple things can make for a great evening. Spending time with those who can make you laugh and you can show your goofy self in front of is priceless.
I have had a pretty difficult time as some of you know. I have made some amazing friends since then and really gotten to feel the support of the community. I am so thankful for that.
I will never understand how people can expect people to take sides in battles they have nothing to do with. I have decided I will sit on the fence and let everyone do their thing. I am not going to pick a side if I like a blog I will comment, or like it. If I want to be friends with someone I will. I am not going to stop learning and talking to people because it may offend someone.
Last night after my minons went to sleep I got to watch a horror movie with a friend. I laughed and joked about it the whole time. Even made microwave popcorn on the stove because my microwave took a dump. So of course I had to watch a funny movie after and my friend stayed up with me and watched another movie. I picked Fighting with my family. My friend was hesitant thinking I wouldnt like it. Oh my gosh great movie. Some of the best lines I've heard one being "fuck me dead and burry me pregnant" and I think it was "dont try to be the next me be the first you"...
Anyway sometimes even the little things we do can make someone's day. Our friends are so important in keeping us from jumping off the deep end. I have learned this lesson a lot lately and am so grateful for all my friends Doms, subs and my vanilla. I wont ever be able to repay people for the impact they have in my life but I will pay it forward.
I will be a great friend even to those I barely know. I will laugh cry and scream with you, I will talk you off the edge when needed and I will hold you when you need the support.
Always remember even a simple smile can be the light someone else needs.
Shine bright and often even in dark moments.

      Here we go another one for you. Lady lived in her happy home with her family. Never knowing what was really out there. Her family changed and she got put out. In this process she meets the carefree Tramp and the adventure begins.

      Tramp lives his live for the moment, the thrill. He is happy living like this and doesnt think hes alone. That is till he meets lady. The two of them click and both of their worlds are flipped upside down.

      Hmm sounds like some relationships here. You have people who live in their perfect little world not wanting to rock the boat. Then in strolls someone and shows them freedom. It goes both ways, the wild spirit sees how the security of a simple life can be.

      You may think things are perfect in your world. You may be content living in your comfort zone but the reality is you become stagnat. If you cant continue to grow with your partner and learn more you stop existing.

      I was talking to a friend today who was telling me as a Dom he has to be creative, change things up and never stop learning. This made me think. If our routines dont ever change we get lost, we get bored and we stop growing.

      As a sub if I'm given a task I should be accountable and complete it. I think a Dom should hold me accountable. If I have some reason I cant do it I would explain and he would change the task to fit the situation. If you give me something to do I may not just do it you have to follow through with me.

     Yes I get there will be people saying well that's not sub behavior. Actually it is. Our lives can get so hectic that even though we want to do the task it wont be 100% as it should be. I was tasked with writing something once and I couldnt do it. My head was in the wrong frame of mind and I vocalized this. The person giving me the task said something negative and made me not want to write at all. My point is listen dont be so stuck in what you believe to not change or adapt.

      Every day is a learning experience take the good and bad and grow. Stop living in only what you think is correct and listen to others views. If your in a dynamic dont expect to be like someone elses be you as a couple. Grow as a team.

       Do you want to be lady hiding in her picture perfect house? Do you want to be Tramp running around living a life of loneliness and denial? Or do you choose to come together and live the best life you can as a pair learning together?

        So take those new found legs, get your shoes, wave to peter tell him "your welcome" then ask yourself where do you live in the past or are you willing to let your spaghetti moment slip away?

***names again do not depict gender or status 

The fire grew so bright it consumed her. She got lost in the moments and didnt see the end of the chapter coming. Letting her arms fall to her side, She burst into flames to be behind her armor.

She stood and looked at the tree that gave her a chance. She remembered watching the creatures from the safety of its branches. She remembered the many nights they sat and talked and how easy it was. She remembered how the tree was her support and shelter when the winds tried to consume her.

Reaching out she touches the tree. She looks over her shoulder to the fire that died. Watching the beautiful creatures starting to wake she sighs. She turns back to the tree and slashes a burn mark across it. She thinks "you gave me comfort joy happiness and shelter, you saw my dark and felt my pain. My dear friend I will part ways with you but I leave this mark. Remind him if he comes back of the strength he found in you."

Stretching out her wings she starts to ascend. Climbing higher and higher. She is above the clouds. Thinking back to when she found this place before. Knowing she can strive above even when she gets knocked down. For now she will soar above the clouds watching the creatures below. She will regain her strength and live again. She will find happiness in the moment and love endlessly.

The phoenix will rise again, the flames will burn hot and her need to learn and grow will be her driving force. She wont ever be the same but are any of us ever truly the same when someone has touched our lives.  

Maybe you weren't who I thought you were

Maybe I saw what I needed and wanted to see

Maybe I should have never let my guard down

Maybe I wasnt paying attention

I never held back

I never lied

I stood by you when you needed me

I supported you at every crossroad

You pretended I was something

You used me when you needed help

You made me feel less than

You left me standing alone

The road we traveled seemed perfect

The time we put in was amazing

The distance we grew apart became to much

The day you met her you left me

Time wont ever fix what's broke

Time cant take back what you did

Time won't heal what you took

Time isnt my friend

If things had been different

Would we be who we are today

If you had been a better man

Would I be standing here alone

If I had seen the signs early

Would I be the woman I am now

I wont change my past choices

I won't give it back

I will embrace who I am now

Someday someone will see all of me

Someday I will not even see it coming

Someday........

cant be that far away.

Yep I'm still on it.  I dont know why I can relate disney movies to stuff that happens here but hey its working for now.  

      Oh boy this ones one of my favorites. Here she is just a mermaid swimming around with a curiosity about the world above her. So this to me is new subs, you are curious about the world and learning thanks to whatever reason. You found cage and are willing to learn and find your special one. You give all of you and you dream big. Hello Ariel!

        You make friends and they encourage you (Flounder) you meet some others and they tell you to go back its no good up there (Sebastians) and you have the friends that encourage you to jump every chance you get (Scuttle)

           Then you have the song which makes me think of well you be the judge and see where it goes.
       ?I've got gadgets and gizmos a plenty, I've got who's its and what's its galore, you want thingamobobs I've got 20.... but who care no big deal I want moreeeeee?
     This is to the Doms you have your toys. You say your a Master or skilled, I say you forget the best toy there is, The mind. You forget to keep the sub engaged mentally and she loses focus. Take your time you win her mind her body will follow.

        So now we move to Ursula who let me tell you she got it right
       ? The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yet on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word
And after all dear, what is idle babble for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man?

        (I'm sure all us girls are singing the song now... you poor unfortunate souls..) so to the point! We communicate online if we hold our tongues no one will know how were feeling. It's all left to assumption. Of course there is the part about body language in this song and again I cant see facial expressions in text so I will interpret how I think you mean it. Then I will get my feelings hurt and be upset. So remember say what you mean and mean what you say. Stop dancing around the subject.

        So to all you Little Mermaids (new people) take your time, enjoy the ride. Dont forget to live in the moment. The sun will shine the same if you go slow, and if you find someone who cant handle that maybe they need to be in Ursulas garden.

       Always follow your gut feeling listen to your Sebastians and Flounders they are looking out for you. If you weren't afraid to stand up to King Triton dont be afraid to stand up for what you want.

       So my sweets grab those hats and soar away, find your shoes that fit and then say your welcome ! Now use those new legs and run away (or to) what you feel is right! Trust yourself always!

**same disclosure as always. Names do not depict gender or roles in this and it's all my opinion.

I seem to be on a kick here and im.gonna keep running with it... 

So here we go another one for you

Moana always sensed there was more out there, she was stuck by her families fears of the past and the unknown. Finding her courage she challenges and seeks what's out there.
      Her grandmother always guiding her, she travels to find what she thinks can fix everything. The road isnt an easy one but she keeps pushing.
In the end she realizes it's her own strength and knowledge that will save her family.
      So heres the syndrome, we come here because there is some sort of calling. We stumble across this community and find a family. Even if we are suppose to be a family of non judgment we can come off that way.
       We set off on our journey fighting every doubter and naysayer. We struggle, we cry we hit points where we are going to give up. Then we hear that voice deep in us (grandmother) telling us to keep fighting.
      So like Moana we get up no matter how many times the ocean has to put us back on the boat we get up and start over. We become stronger each time.
      Then we take the leap. We fall and find our "one"  like Moana going into Tamatoas cave. She knew what was needed and she went for it. So anyway your with this one and things are great but like Tamatoa they get distracted and very pompous about them selves

"Don't you know
Fish are dumb, dumb, dumb
They chase anything that glitters (beginners!)

Oh, and here they come, come, come
To the brightest thing that glitters"

     They see the new and think huh I can have that and it's so "?shiney?" As they are distracted by the shiney, Moana moves on.
       Continuing her adventure to save her island she finally meets Te Ka, she sees what everyone else misses that she is really Te Fiti, the goddess. "?I know who you are?"
       Like us we see who people really. We see into them and they into us. It takes a lot to see past the Te Ka but when you do it's amazing and beautiful.

       Dont ever give up on defending what you stand for, dont ever let judgment hold you back. Fight for this community and what we are suppose to be. If you have friends like Hei Hei that you have to keep redirecting dont give up on them, if you want to place your rock at the top of Kings mountain pick your own rock. Stand out be you and contribute to your own happiness.

For those of you who are waiting for it..
Cinderella put on those shoes, Peter Pan fly with the lost boys, live your best life and be you.
Now all I have to say is

"?YOUR WELCOME?!

*** again names do not depict a gender

I wrote a blog recently on Cinderella syndrome and after talking with a friend this idea sparked in me.

Peter Pan syndrome. Hear me out before you get all defensive. So here it goes.

    When you meet someone here it's all dreamy and wonderful. You guys take that journey flying high above everyone else. Nothing matters. You get to Neverland and Captain Hook rears his ugly head.

    Let's touch on Captain Hook, he can be male or female in this crazy mental comparison. Anyway Captain Hook is the one who comes into the relationship as the outsider and tries to take the Dom or sub from the other person. Hook reeks havoc on the couple, that's his focus to destroy what he cant have. Misery does love company.

     Battles with the "Hooks" dont ever stop but you try to move on and grow. You travel further down the road and thats when the mermaids come in. I dont know if many people know mermaids are dark evil creatures. So I will associate them with the demons our past create. The mermaids try to pull you under they grab and hold on for all they can.

     So now you have Hook and the mermaids on your relationship and in strolls Tink. That damn sexy fairy who will through a fit. She will play and toy to get her way, tempt and stomp till its hers. Tink is sweet but determined and sneaky.

     Finally Wendy has had enough and wants to return home. Peter doesnt want to. Here is where my syndrome comes in

     We meet on cage and battle a lot, when its time to move off cage the temptations are to much and some go back and continue to chat with others. They are tempted away. This my friend is Peter Pan syndrome, he didnt want to grow up and you didnt want to grow in a relationship with your Wendy. You've searched for Wendy found them and still Hook the mermaids and Tink tempt you away.

     One day Peter has to grow up, learn not everyone gets to be a child forever. This lifestyle is hard enough to navigate and the internet makes it worse. If you get into a dynamic make sure the other knows why you come on here. Let them see you. We all talk in one way or another and paths cross. It all comes out.

     Time to grow up Peter, time to stop being a little kid and be accountable for your actions. You cant always fly out of arms reach.

     So to all the Hooks, Tinks, and mermaids let people grow in their dynamic. To Wendy dont give up on your dreams and to the Peter Pan's to reference my other blog if the shoe fits wear it. Own it! Put that hat on and fly in your child like world but let Wendy find her happily ever after while you play with the lost boys.

*** Side note names do not imply its only one gender acting like Peter Pan, Wendy, Hook, or Tink it goes all ways. Also I am in no way implying Tinkerbell is a brat she is one of my favorites 

She waits for his message to come
Doing everything he taught her
The day fades into night
She still waits
Giving into sleep she gets in bed
Saying her prayer for him
She drifts off to sleep
Another dreamless night
Her alarm rings and she wakes
Starting her morning tasks
Completing them she moves on
Going through her day
Phone always at her side
She thinks she feels it vibrate
She looks and nothing
She checks everywhere he can message her
Still nothing
She pushes through her day
A smile on her face
Time comes to go home
She waits for his call
It never comes
Into the house she walks
Every detail of her routine down
She performs her rituals for him
It keeps her connected
After dinner she kneels
Ready for his video call
It never comes
She kneels waiting still
Her legs start to ache
Bed time is closing in fast
She rises gets herself ready.
Kneeling again she says their promise
She crawls into bed and cries
The days repeat just the same
She does everything shes suppose to
He never calls
Her phone has gone silent
Messages have stopped
Videos dont exist
she starts to give up
Her nights are spent in tears now
Her heart still his
She devoted everything to him
And he walked away.
She is now broken and hurt
She is alone and feels like a failure
She questions if she is really a sub
If she is even worthy...

      It doesnt matter how much time passes when something ends this way I as a sub have issues trusting the next. I also let people back in over and over only to repeat the same mistake I made the first time, i forgave.

      Subs who are dedicated dont ever stop, if we are told to do something we will even without you being there. Its your job to not string us along, it's your job to make sure we are okay as you move along in your journey.

     I have been in this situation before and the poor people who came after had to deal with my emotional baggage and fear of being abandoned.
A Doms job doesnt stop just because he released his sub, and a subs doesnt stop just because she agreed to the the reasoning behind the release. They check in they comfort and care. They started as friends and should remain friends in the end.

      Stop ghosting stop hurting eachother and for the love of all things kinky stop acting like were in elementary school and running away from things that dont work. Talk it out like an adult, go directly to the source and ask if you think someone is being mean towards you.

     The block button here is a good idea but all I can think if is a little kid talking shit then plugging their ears to not hear the other side.
Support and love eachother, if you clash then be graceful and leave them alone.
Strive to be the best you you can !

No this isn't about me it's about things I've seen lately.