Just me

Panic sets in

Hes to close

She can feel him

His loud steps

On the frozen ground

The huff of his breath

As tries to smell her out

Pressed against the cold rocks

She looks for a place to run

Behind her a cliff

The water a far distance down

To the left the dark dead forest

Hes coming from the right

Looking up she thinks

Which is the lesser evil

If she goes right

He will consume her

If she goes left

The darkness will swallow her

Hes getting closer

She can see his form

A dark shadow

Against the moonlight

Tall and muscular

All animal

And hes hunting

Looking for what he wants

He searches using all his senses

She holds her breath

Turns to the cliff

Pushes up off the rocks

Tip toeing to the edge

She peers over

The clouds block what lies below

She goes back to the rocks

Looks in his direction

Hes found her

The choice is now

Taking a deep breath

She runs and jumps

Falling fast to the clouds

Her heart racing

She hears him scream

The end coming fast

The water finally visible

Rocks jutting out of it

She knows shes done

Jumping up in her bed

Breathing heavy

She looks to her side

He is sleeping still

She curls up in his arms

Head on his chest

She whispers "I wont run this time"

Listening to his heart beat

He whispers back

"I will always catch you,

If you need to run,

I will follow,

I will keep you safe"

She smiles and drifts back to sleep

So in talking to a fellow nurse I realized how different we are. We put on this face of happiness and comfort. We hold hands and cry with people in their time of need, we comfort and love when your sad, we encourage and cheer in your recovery. We hold your families when it's time for you to leave this world.
What you dont see is the mind that is always working, always planning for the what if this bad thing happens. You dont see them walk out of a room and swell with pride becasue they finally got that stubborn old man to take his heart medicine, or watched a baby finally catch their breath. You dont see them find the dark hall or closet to hide in and fall to their knees and cry ugly tears because they had to say goodbye to part of their heart when a patient passes. You don't know they doubt everything they do because the all knowing doctors make them feel less than. You dont see their insecurities or fears.
Every day they wake up from very little sleep, drag through their morning which is any time of day because nursing is 24/7. They put on their uniform and wonder why did I choose to do this job. Their lives could be chaos at home, they could never see their kids because of the long hours or different shifts. The get to work sit in the parking lot and think this is it game face on, still wondering why they do it. Th9e walk in the doors of what ever building they work in and see the first smiling face and they are reminded then why, its for the patients. It's to be your voice when no one else will. To be your support when all others have left. To be your strength when you cant fight.
We are a special breed, because we dont ask for the same. We stand as a whole we are our own community. So I ask this of you, why do you treat the nurse so badly when they will be the one to hold your hand and support you in the joyous and sorrowful moments?
Now many will say "I dont do that I respect nurses" the thing is your dont realize you do. Your fears come out in many ways and they always zero in on the nurse. I know I know there are a few rotten apples in my community but know most of us got into this because we need to care for others, we feel joy when we help and bring you peace.
The reason I'm writing this is because most subs here hold very powerful demanding jobs. Some of us where we make life altering choices daily. Some of us then go home to our real job of parenting where once again were in charge. Yet we are asked why are we a sub, or told we are to Alpha in our day to day that we should be a Dom.
This is exactly the reason I am a sub. I need someone to quiet my mind. To give me the safety I give everyone else. To be the rock i am for others. So before you tell someone with a demanding powerful job why? maybe you should think why wouldnt they be?
I am a sub because I choose to be. Its who I am in my core. I am a nurse and mother because it's my calling to care and nurture and fight for those who cant. So who will fight for me?

Awhile ago I wrote a blog about starter flowers.. it wasnt very long (back when I was afraid to say to much) but I was thinking about it yesterday and this is what came to mind. 

The tiny flower was late in blooming

It was in the corner of the box

Being pushed out by others

She struggled for food

Struggled for water

The sun was blocked by the box

She kept her head held high

She watched the others in the box get picked one by one

Some were saved and cherished

Others played with and tossed away

They lay on the ground

Unable to move sad and alone

They didnt have the safety of the box

She watched and hid deeper into the corner

Then one day someone picked her

Taking her out of the box

Placing her in a small colorful pot

She loved her new pot

She didnt have to fight

She had room to stretch and grow

Her pot was placed in a window

She could feel the sun

It warmed her petals

Gave her life

And she started to grow

She was loved and cared for

The gardeners hands were loving

Wiping and clipping away imperfections

Singing words of praise

Then one day there was no gardner

There were no words to her

The weather changed

Cloudy and dark

The window grew colder

She began to shiver

Wishing for her box away from the elements

She wanted to be in her corner

Hidden from the storms

She pulled her petals in tight

Trying to find warmth.

She grew hungry and thirsty

Realizing she had been forgotten

She started to wither away

But every now and then

Someone would give her water

The gardener would come every now and then

Renewing her hope that he loved her again

Oh how she was wrong

The cycle played on

She could hear him singing to the others

She longed to have him back

She started to give up

Shaking in her cold lonely pot

Then it happened

He was moving her

The gardner came back

She could feel life in her again

He took her from the window

Placed her by the curb

She could see the window

There was another in her place

She let her petals droop and fall

And hoped the new one wouldnt and up here.

She heard the whistling and was moving before she looked

A old woman picked her up

Telling her "even the ones who've given up

Even the ones who are sad and torn

Can be loved to life again"

She went home with the old woman

This is where she truly learned

She doesnt need a grander

She can survive on her own

Her battle alone in the window proved that

She can be strong all alone

She vowed then that she would

Help and love as the woman did

And she would remind someone

How important their life is.

       Okay this week has ranked pretty high on the stress factor meter for me. Training a building that has over 100 licensed staff to go to computer documentation, in a very short time frame and going live on monday has freaked my OCD brain out. To many scenarios to plan for.

        So I havent been sleeping this week much and those who know me know that usually the Dreamons come when that happens. Nope apparently they have a better trigger to wait for. My ex..........

      "We need to have a talk on Sunday," which to me means him and the wife are ganging up on me. "We need to have a talk with the kids," to me means you need to have the same rules at your house as I do at mine even though I only have them one night a week every 3 weeks, yep award winning dad there.

      So now I'm stressed over work, I'm stressed about the talk and I'm in fear of what will come to get me Saturday night.

      This this right here is why I want to surrender. To have that moment where i dont have to say these words but "he" can see me and wrap me up in his safety. To know I wont have to fight at it alone (I know I'm not alone but I mean physically) to know that when my head is spinning I can feel safe or be put on my knees where only his voice exists.

       My demons are real, they are triggered by certain things. They make my heart race and my stomach drop. They are my anxieties they are (haha good typo as I'm proofing this it said my anxieties ate my frears) my fears and they are mine.

       So to all those who read this please know your not the only crazy control freak, OCD, overplanning, overthinking, glass half empty person out there!

       Shoot my glass is almost empty which means bartender poor me another... (its coffee by the way)

Have a great day today everyone
This control freak is gonna put on that boss smile and fight another day.

Happy blogging
💜phe💜

No sleep last night the dreams were to much. So with maybe 2 hours under my belt I have to do my second favorite thing. My first would make no sense with how tired I am. So today is a music day for me!

Hoping I can get the day over with quickly 

The winds have died and clouds have parted

I am standing again

The air is sweet with the smell of jasmine

I feel the grass beneath my feet

Ticking my toes

I give myself to the feeling

Unsure of what it holds

This is me in a moment

Me in the now

This is me letting go

Understanding life has a funny way

To teach us things we need

I take the lessons and try to comprehend

Somedays it's easier than others

I feel a fire burning again

Deep in my soul

Some people were given to me

To teach me what I deserve

Others to show me what I forgot

I am the keeper of my happiness

I have found my place

Friendships grow stronger

In learning who I am

I see I am my center

I will always strive to learn

To be a better me

I understand one simple word

Can change someone's destiny

So I will smile and laugh

Keep my head held high

Be that shining moment for others

I will protect my fire

From the storms that brew

Keep the embers glowing

Because someday there will be a you.

Shine bright and strong because you maybe someone's moment

💜phe💜

Okay so today I'm on edge (no not that edge). I'm finally doing it. Gonna meet someone in my local community. He is a rigger and was looking to brush up on his skills and learn something new. His search hadn't paid off as he kept running into the insta subs who wanted him to run their lives or pay their bill's.

So needless to say we started chatting and we both saw an opening. Friendship with the possiity of a friend to navigate and learn more in this crazy world.

So today I have a coffee "date" to meet him face to face. I'm scared to death because I'm so shy, im so scared he will take one look at me and say no you cant do this.

So I wanted to say to all those people who dont think about your words having an impact on others, I almost didnt agree to this because a rigger said something about me. I wont go I to details the point is even a slight comment can take a dream away from someone.

That one person made me fear even more that I will always be told the same thing. I have an amazing rope bunny friend who told me to stop being scared of that. I have an amazing Dom friend who says the same thing and has every check in ready even though he knows my roomie will be checking in too.

I love how supportive they are and happy to push me but that still doesnt calm the vanilla butterflies I have about meeting someone for the first time.

Heres hoping I dont have an anxiety attack and I can make a friend who will help me walk into the real world life style

Fingers crossed
💜phe💜

As this pheonix walks through her journey many have touched her life. Many changed who she was. To many to recall.
Stopping to recount my journey with the Sins, oh how amazing it was to learn they werent that. Dark Sins arent really anything but dark desires. The Daddy who returned me to my writing and gave me my passion back that someone stole from me.
As I learned I soared above watching. Others came around and touched my life. A dragon spoke to me and challenged me to give my whole self to someone but it took another Phoenix to fly in and teach me how to open up.
Even ones who were Needing showed me to trust my gut. They reminded me to listen to myself and not be swayed. The Dead may rise again and even they can show you areas you lack in.
Treasures can be found in each person it's just a matter of wanting to see them and facing some hard truths. I ran in the forest with a Lycan and got to see what I felt was pure joy.
Things end and change people come and go but to look around now I see More lyfe with a lot of laughter. I look to the beautiful blue Sky and see it grow, I stop to smell the Cherry blossoms and see how they are blooming. I see the soul of Venia and can dream of peaceful travels to come. I watch the Dragon protector soaring above and know I'm safe. It Tuk an amazing girl to share with me to realize we all walk similar paths. Even a few words from a Wicked one gave me encouragement. I see the Bunnies and they remind me to run free and be happy and always be me, even the Red tint from the sun shows me warmth. Everyone needs some Sparkles in their life! My Happy reminds me of laughter and joy and calm. Even Phantoms and Ghosts have lessons to teach us all as well.
I know theres many others but as I look around at this crazy community I'm so thankful for each one of you. My core group I hope you know how amazing I think you are and how much I appreciate you. Some I couldnt include as i cant come up with a whitty way to add them in.
Thank you to everyone here for being you. Friends can become enemies and enemies can become friends so treat each as if they are a friend always.
💜Phe💜

** there are some I know I missed please dont think you are any less important to me! 

She walks the perimeter

Fingers trailing the bricks

Counting in her head

Making sure each is in place

She sees it then a small crack

No she thinks it cant be

She walks back to her shelter

Grabbing the cement

Dragging it back

She feels the weight

Touching the small crack

She places cement over it

Then she hears a loud thud

The small crack shoots up

Claiming the next brick

Quickly she covers that

Proud of her work

She looks back

Her world safe

Slowly retreating

To her sanctuary

Thinking how hard she worked

She made this safety

All by herself needing no one

BANG she jumps and turns

She sees more bricks fracture

No she screams

If the wall falls

She wont be safe

A small piece of the wall crumbles

She runs to patch it

BANG she feels her heart stop

The hole grows bigger

She fights to patch it

Fear running thru her veins

Tears running down her face

She feels warmth

The light that was blocked

Now shines thru the hole

It warms her skin

She reaches a hand out the hole

Yanking it back quickly

What was that touch

She grabs the cement

Trying to block the hole

Bang again more pieces fall

The bricks crumble fast

The cement cant dry

She kneels before her wall

Praying for safety

Tears fall

As a calm voice can be heard

" I will not hurt you,

I will help you grow

I will shelter you

Be your friend

I will not break the wall

We will do it together

When your ready

For now this hole

Will let you see who I am

Remind you of what you hide from

It will be my window to you."

Glancing up tears still falling

She rises slowly

Only one thing comes to her mind

She bows her head

Finding her voice weak

She whispers

"Slowly together as friends"

Yesterday I had a tuff day at work. Stress was my best friend. I got to work and within the first hour of being there chaos ensued.
Im sure it's what caused this massive headache today, dry tear stained cheeks and the nightmare that came with it all.

So this leads me to this ungodly hour where I'm laying in bed shivering becasue as always I'm freezing and I start to think. Where have I been going wrong? What have I done to keep finding the same type of people who walk away or become someone I have to take care of and support more than I get back.

I guess its who I am. I dodnt become a nurse becasue I wanted to see people suffer, nope I became a nurse because I wanted to help others. Some how I believe this is who I am in my core the nurturing person. So I seem to find the people who need the help, i help give them some sense of direction and they walk away feeling and seeing a better path.

Okay glad I can help, but this takes a small piece of me everytime and I loose sight of who I was. I want so badly to say no more but I dont know how to break that cycle when its who I am. I'd give you everything I have to see you smile, while I suffer and fear what's to come (oh um that sounds a little masochistic).

I've had some amazing people I've been talking to and told them that maybe this isnt for me. That I get so emotionally involved and the others dont. When I said I think I'm done my friend said would you be truly happy if you walked away and I thought fuck no. Then another reminded me that the hurt and pain I felt will make the joy I feel with the one so much more because I will have understood loss (no offense friend but i got that understanding down lol).

So today I am laying here saying this is a new day, I am a great sub mentally, I cant say physically because one physical weekend with my old Dom doesnt really give me an idea. I am willing to learn, and have learned a lot. I am not going to stop being me. I will push forward and weather I think im ready or not I am going get out into the community and meet some people so maybe it wont feel like such a dead end for me.

Oh and please dont think I'm by any means done with my disney syndrome blogs just needed to evaluate me.