So the last few weeks I have been quieter here. I have stopped blogging my raw emotions stopped sharing my journey. My drive home made me realize how angry it made me that to protect others I grew silent. I didnt want to hurt anyone with words and I didnt want to be misunderstood. After writing my journal entry tonight I realized I dont really care. My journey is for me not anyone else.
Recently I started a story with LL we never talked as we wrote we just fed of eachothers writings. He had his Sub I had someone I had given a second chance to. We were moving slowly trying to rebuild. Well shit hit the fan and I was told I was neglectful that I needed to stop writing with LL and that if this person knew how much writing meant to me they would have done it with me. That broke the already cracked trust I was rebuilding.
Anyway I gave him the same respect he gave me and sent him a cage mail telling him what I thought about his ultimatum then blocked. I wasnt going to give a other chance. This person then took things that were important to me and blogged them, yes I saw. He then talked to friends and tried to I guess sway them I dont really know. He blogged how his girl was neglectful and didnt have time for him. I didnt respond. I backed way off closing off to a lot of things. Then I thought I was going to see a light burn out that means so very much to me and he reached out to her. That enraged me. I still kept quiet.
So this is where I am the ass, I was talking to someone else yes another who is a great soul but went silent on me for weeks. So when he finally came back around I wasnt ready to let go of his friendship. I started to notice things here too. I wasnt ready for either of these 2. I apologize for not knowing that at the time. I hurt them yes but I never struck out I never said a bad word about anyone or tried to make anyone feel bad. I stayed quiet. I was never owned and never knelt to either of these men.
So this leads to the drive home I was done i was finally angry enough to be open about this. Somewhere in all my chaos LL was subless. I offered to stop writing with him so he could heal. Other than small talk about the story we still hadn't really talked. The same day he and his sub parted was the day I was given the ultimatum. LL and I still had barely spoke. I left to go up north for the weekend did a lot of soul searching. I came home different, I cut most everyone off.
Some how LL still stood out. His writing helped me get lost in my head and not think. I asked him if it was helping him. I believe it was on the 20th we started talking.
Things are natural and free in this place I'm at. When I thought I was going to loose a friend I wasnt faulted for time given to her. When my stress at home took me away for hours i wasnt faulted then. I was encouraged and supported. LL was becoming a center for me.
So right now writing this I dont care judge me, dont, hate me, love me it doesnt matter really it's all about my ride in this life. I'm not going to hold back anymore.
Thank you to a dear friend ( I love you to bits) who reminded me to let go and let someone else guide me. He truly is the all powerful and knows the path were suppose to take.
To LL you know where I stand. I want to share my joy and stand in the sun. Be under the same sky and breathe.
