Yesterday I had a tuff day at work. Stress was my best friend. I got to work and within the first hour of being there chaos ensued.
Im sure it's what caused this massive headache today, dry tear stained cheeks and the nightmare that came with it all.
So this leads me to this ungodly hour where I'm laying in bed shivering becasue as always I'm freezing and I start to think. Where have I been going wrong? What have I done to keep finding the same type of people who walk away or become someone I have to take care of and support more than I get back.
I guess its who I am. I dodnt become a nurse becasue I wanted to see people suffer, nope I became a nurse because I wanted to help others. Some how I believe this is who I am in my core the nurturing person. So I seem to find the people who need the help, i help give them some sense of direction and they walk away feeling and seeing a better path.
Okay glad I can help, but this takes a small piece of me everytime and I loose sight of who I was. I want so badly to say no more but I dont know how to break that cycle when its who I am. I'd give you everything I have to see you smile, while I suffer and fear what's to come (oh um that sounds a little masochistic).
I've had some amazing people I've been talking to and told them that maybe this isnt for me. That I get so emotionally involved and the others dont. When I said I think I'm done my friend said would you be truly happy if you walked away and I thought fuck no. Then another reminded me that the hurt and pain I felt will make the joy I feel with the one so much more because I will have understood loss (no offense friend but i got that understanding down lol).
So today I am laying here saying this is a new day, I am a great sub mentally, I cant say physically because one physical weekend with my old Dom doesnt really give me an idea. I am willing to learn, and have learned a lot. I am not going to stop being me. I will push forward and weather I think im ready or not I am going get out into the community and meet some people so maybe it wont feel like such a dead end for me.
Oh and please dont think I'm by any means done with my disney syndrome blogs just needed to evaluate me.
