Rose's Thorns.

But constantly feel exhausted. Im not sure if anyone else is experiencing this but everything just feels heavy 

... i just wanted to let you know your awesome. Its a scary time at the moment and things seem tough. Your doing so well. Its okay to have bad days, even give up on somedays, it's called being human. Its okay to be human. You survived this far, you can keep going, i believe in you. Take care of yourself. Do something that puts a smile on your face, you deserve it (for me bad you tube clips does this). 

Just putting some positivity out there. 

No such thing as can't. There's not right now. Im busy. Another time or change how its done. Its all good. Your important, you matter, you rock. :) 

Rose 

Xxxx 

... the more time passes the more masochistic i realise i am. Self destruction mode included. 

It doesn't have to be physical and in my instance often isn't. But the crap you can put yourself through sometimes would give a Dom a run for his money. 

So ... i already know this will backfire and I will likely make it masochistic again but.... 

I want to be happy, for something to be easy and just enjoy life every so often. 

I know the matrix had a lot of pvc but oh boy ... outfit ideas. 

I might have to go clubbing in my own flat but still... 

A grenade has gone off in my family.... ive contacted my ex.... want to scream into a pillow.

I didn't deserve how i was treated towards the end. 

Been lied to by family for years.

Needing a safety check in and my ex is the only person I feel 'safe' with....  which is some twisted logic. Safe as in wont talk me out of something i want to do.

Really missing sub space right now. To feel safe while having fun. Oh vodka how i miss you and the numbness that follows, would come in handy right about now. 

Relating strongly to girl with dragon tattoo right now. Want to get covered in tattoos piercing and cut my hair. 

Book a hotel room and either give my ex the address or go out and pick someone up just to try and forget the past few weeks with. 

* This is not an invitation* 

Im tired im exhausted, why the beep did i fight so much for this..... its so shitty im just something to be used to hurt others with and lied too endlessly. 

Enough. It's time shit changed. If only i could leave my ex out. Honestly im human being solo becomes exhausting. 

Feeling apprehensive and a little scared. Once it changes there wont be any going back or at least not sanity wise. 

A Master would be wonderful even as a friend to help me get through this but... well its probably a good thing there isn't one. 

Can feel myself itching to breathe and break free

With a really good kiss..... 

 That you both melt into. 

Not the weird creepy stares or

The oops as someone rubs their crotch against you while trying to get past or

The i can massage that for you then grabs your arse. 

Seriously where is my pepper spray? 

What happened to the good kiss? Before stuff got weird 

Uncle Johnny by the killers. 

When everybody else refrains
My uncle Jonny did cocaine
He's convinced himself right in his brain
That it helps to take away the pain
Hey, Jonny
Hey, what you say, Jonny?
I wanna go out tonight
Come a little closer to the city lights
Levitation ain't your only friend
Levitation coming back again
Feel a burning in your body's core
It's a yearning that you can't ignore
Now I wanna go out tonight
Superman and hold on tight
He's convinced himself right in his brain
That it helps to take away the pain
Hey, Jonny
Hey, what you say, Jonny?
My appetite ain't got no heart
I said, my appetite ain't got no heart
Shocking people when you feel that pull
Shock 'em, drop 'em when you know it's full
I feel a burning in your body's core
It's a yearning that you can't ignore
I gotta go out tonight
Hey, Jonny, I got faith in you, man
I mean it, it's gonna be all right
He's convinced himself right in his brain
That it helps to take away the pain
Hey, what you say, Jonny?
Tell us what's going on
Feels like everything's wrong
Hey, what you say, Jonny?
If the future is real
Jonny, you've got to heal
Hey, what you say, Jonny?
When everybody else refrains
My uncle Jonny did cocaine

Great .... 

Tell us what your after.... 

Really? 

No regard for if the other person is or isn't interested as long as your interested thats what counts. Just assume im interested in you and can't wait for it cos all submissives are toys you can play with and easy. Well we must be because we are submissive. I am my Masters property and it is up to me to look after it regardless. 

The arrogance of assuming im interested in you because you like my profile and of course it can't be two ways. Demanding to know what interests me what im after without even checking that we are 

A, looking for the same thing.... my profile clearly says i wouldn't be .... but of course you can ignore that ... because .... oh thats right your interested so how could i not be.

B, looking for a toy .... this is seriously insulting. Like really insulting.

C, god forbid i not be interested because you presumed i would be and when im not interested what happens..... oh yes.... im not nice so much have been dishonest in my profile.

It is up to me, you arrogant self serving idiot..

You couldn't even check ! 

Trying to push blame onto me for your idiotic self serving arrogant behaviour because how dare i not be interested and if im not it must be because there is something wrong with me right ... because how could anyone turn down someone who posts pictures up alongside job descriptions and illegal activities... 

Oh and shows no respect or even check consent but just presumes 

I was asked by a sub the other day to talk about how to keep an eye out for red flags i don't consider myself experianced but this sub has requested and after a think i might write something especially with more people looking for 'Toys' and i don't mean dolls. 

We are people first and foremost a little decency efficacy and respect regardless of what we identify as can go a long way. 

If you can't even be bothered to check if the interest is mutual and we want the same things and actively read my profile then ignore it in the hopes you can get pics or video with a long off promise of meeting up why as a person would i ever try to fulfil that when i clearly stated its too personally difficult for me in my profile? 

Just so long as you get your toy. 

Submission is earnt through trust and consent not taken through assumptions 

Its amazing how people twist things around. No concept of boundaries or behaviour and push it onto the other person. 

So after a neighbor who asked to see my lady parts as normal behaviour i asked if this was something he often did with female friends and now im being told ive provoked him and he doesn't want any contact with me after giving into being human. 

..... seriously and yes this idiot goes to bdsm munches. 

Each time trying to see my boobs or my vagina trying to seehow far he could get. Saying im harsh and lost a friend for giving into being human.

A friend would never have put me in that position. Watching porn and then coming over telling me how he keeps getting hard and finding it difficult. Thats not my problem. 

Now ive provoked him been judgemental and harsh. Really? 

Like really! 

Oddly asking why i didn't tell him i was uncomfortable at the time after he asked me if i would sleep with him.

This response is exactly why i didn't i say anything at the time.

Self control is important. Calling me judgemental and then saying you apologied when you didn't by saying all these things isn't an apology. 

God its hard being a woman sometimes. Even the nice ones can be arseholes. 

This wouldn't happen in a bdsm club. Not at least without someone going okay thanks bye. I wouldn't have to say no and use contraceptive as an excuse. I wouldn't be asked these questions and if i didn't want to play it would just be okay i don't have to think of reasons and one no is enough for the other person to respect that decision. Not this. I would feel safe. Xxxx 

Ah my old friend. 

You get me hammered put on bad 90s music. Dull the pain .... stupid masochistic tendencies wanting an outlet. And... have me messaging my ex over safety check ins and yes .... my family is that insane. 

Wine .... where have you gone...

I need you and greenday 

X