Ev's kink corner

"Submissive" doesn't mean "automatically yours" or "weak doormat," and if you come at me with something like "hi slut" by way of introducing yourself, I'm going to assign you an equally insulting name. The last person who tried this got named "Bitchcakes McGee." 

Just don't... don't do this. Where did y'all internet "doms" get these ideas from? They sure didn't come from being a part of any real life community, or reputable book, or reputable online class or community. Shitty porn, maybe?

Anyway. Don't test me. Or anybody else. Grow the hell up and learn some respect, or no genital access of your choice for you!

*cw, bigotry, homophobia, suicidal ideations, religious abuse*

I was reading something on Reddit today, something unrelated to my life, where someone was acting just atrociously judgmental and abusive towards a stranger because she didn't approve of something completely harmless that she was doing.

And.

It reminded me of when I was a teenager, in church. The nasty power-tripping church people that were so hateful and judgmental. The ones who loved to order me around, who loved to rant at me. I was the pastor's daughter, so they could take things out on me when they couldn't get to Dad. I was the pastor's daughter, so I didn't dare defend myself because I wanted to protect Dad. I saw how loving he was and how much these people could hurt him with their pettiness. It wasn't my job to protect him. I was a kid. I get that, now, but protecting others was how I coped with my trauma as a kid. OK. Still is.

And I didn't want Dad to lose his job because of me.

Mom and Dad never knew how bad it was. I'd stopped telling adults about the really bad stuff when I was 7, because nobody saved me then. They weren't omnipotent beings after all, the adults I loved and trusted. But they knew a bit. I know it really upset dad, feeling torn, feeling like he couldn't really protect me enough, either.

I didn't tell them how often I would think "I'd rather be dead than have to go back to that place," how I'd been thinking it for years, back in El Centro, too. What I went through there, either.

I was suddenly seized with the urge to write, of all things, a google maps review of the church in Santa Barbara. I wanted to give a shout out to the church youth group director in the mid-90s, who told us all that gay people were evil sinners who could never be redeemed. That they would go to hell. I remember being so angry. I remember some of the older teens whispering about him getting way too close with some of the younger teen girls, too. But it was that hateful homophobia that hit me the hardest that night. He ranted at us for an hour. I lost it at him at last. I don't remember what I said. I think I finally refused to go back to youth group after that. The shout out was for that guy being so hateful that it finally helped me escape the abuse of the church by breaking away and shutting down.

A lot happened there, and in El Centro, too. So much bigotry, hatred, abuse, harm. Never from my Dad. He was a good Christian, one of a small number I have known. Or my Mom. But there was cruelty and corruption lurking beneath the sanctimonious surface.

I stopped myself from writing that review. I told myself, "it's not the 90s any more. It isn't the same people."

I went to the church website for St Mark's. It says:

"ALL ARE WELCOME

St. Mark United Methodist Church embraces diversity and seeks to be inclusive.

We affirm that all persons are individuals of sacred worth. Our welcome knows no boundaries of age, race, ethnicity, culture, gender, sexual orientation or gender identification, economic condition, family status, ability or disability. We embrace and seek to preserve the beautiful, amazing diversity of God's creation.

We recognize that there are differences among us, but believe that we can love alike even though we may not think alike. We proclaim this statement of welcome to all, but especially to those who have known the pain of exclusion or discrimination in the church and society.

We invite all people to join us in our faith journey toward greater love, understanding, and mutual respect. "

I started to cry. It was a good thing to see, but I also felt so much grief, so much anger. I was filled with this outrage. How dare they. How DARE they say these things NOW, while sweeping under the rug all the harm that was done before? Why is there no apology for that? No answer to that? Why do they not speak to it, and pretend it never was?

And why couldn't it have been like that for me, when I was there?

I feel no draw to Christianity. It is not my faith, not my path. I don't think it would have been even in an inclusive church. I was called by my gods, and in them I found home.

But I feel like my pain, the way I was treated, the way other kids and teens were treated, has been erased. I want to call them and demand, "I know it wasn't you, but how can you act like all of it never happened? Where is the justice? What reparations can you offer? What is your answer to what was done?"

But the people who did it would only spew more hatred. They people who didn't, I cannot hold accountable for, because it was the actions of others.

The church, though? Maybe some day I will be able to let go of the emotional attachment to the harm that it did. Maybe writing this out will help start that process. Maybe it'll start peeling away the layers to the worse shit that happened to me in churches. But I won't ever forget, and don't ever, ever want to go back.

And I want to stand up and shout, "I am NOT a sinner, I am NOT evil, I am not WRONG or VILE or an OFFENSE to ANY god because of who I LOVE. I am NOT ASHAMED. And I will NOT be SILENCED! I'm still alive! You FAILED TO BREAK ME. I WON!"

Me: "OK Ev, you are very interested in this dom. You find him intriguing and attractive. You must bring forth the demure grace of your tea ceremony training, you must be alluring with just the right amount of coyness. Catch his eye, but let your submission shine through!"

Also Me, when encountering said dom: "AYYYYYYYYY!" *finger guns* *gives a hug and attempts a back thump, but very loudly slaps a fleshier part of his lower back instead, creating an echo across the classroom*

D: 😱 D: 😱 D:

*crawls under a log deep in the forest*

Hello, friends.

A few times in the past few years, I have received a message out of the blue from someone I have never met before. They may be listed as a local, or someone who lives on another part of the planet entirely.

Despite giving no indication that I am an escort or looking for a sugar daddy, they will pop up out of nowhere, offering to pay my rent, all my bills, and give me lots of money for shopping, because they want to be my sugar daddy. I'm disabled, and my little family often struggles with money. What a godsend of an offer, right? They even say we don't have to have sex unless I'm comfortable with it and want to.

But you see, friends, they aren't real. Now, often there is an actual person behind the scam. It's not something a bot can do- these sorts of scammers have to earn the trust of their victims, and form some sort of bond. But they ARE scammers.

With covid-19, the war, and so many economic troubles happening right now, there are many people who are absolutely desperate. People who don't know how they will eat this month, or have heat during snow storms, or even be able to remain housed at all. Desperation leaves people grasping at straws, and more willing to overlook red flags, because they need a lifeline so badly.

Hope is a cruel weapon, and these motherfuckers wield it SO well.

Oh, they love what they see of you. You're exactly their type. They want to treasure you, cherish you, spoil you. They want to make all your financial problems go away. They offer you $5k a month, plus travel and all kinds of perks, on top of paying your bills and rent.

Then one of a few things happens:

1. The most obvious. They need your help paying some sort of transaction fees for the money to go through. Wait, what? But they're the wealthy person wanting to send YOU money, why do they need you to send them something to make it work? Nope. Scammer. Don't fall for it. They will take that money and run.

2. They will deposit money to your bank account. Wowee, look at that! There's money in your account! It must be legit, right?
NO. Do not immediately trust that this is so. They use stolen credit card money. It WILL be taken back out of your account when the person/company it was stolen from catches up and contacts their card company. Go to 5.

3. They will send you a check or money order. You will deposit it in your account, and have some money available before it clears. Don't spend that money. Wait. If it is a scammer, the check will bounce. The money order will turn out to be fake. Go to 5.

5. They will suddenly want you to spend a smaller amount of that exorbitant amount of money they send you. Surely you can afford that now, right? Nope. They will frame it, perhaps, as a test of "loyalty." They will want you to prove your "loyalty" or "affection" by spending money on them. They may say they have a relative they want a gift spent to, and ask your help with it. They will tell you they temporarily overspent, or lost their wallet or something, and will totally be wealthy again very Soon(tm) but in the meantime, please send some money back to them? Probably in the form of a gift card, which is easy to trace.

6. Whoops, you sent them money or gift cards, and then the check bounces, or the stolen credit card money is removed from your account, and on top of that, you are also charged for whatever money you spent on them. You're not getting that back. You've been scammed. They have your money now.

Please be careful, my loves! These scammers are becoming more and more prominent on the internet. They may be located anywhere in the world- Russia, India, Nigeria, Ghana, Florida, or any number of other places. Anywhere. They are very difficult to track. Their numbers are legion. Some work alone, and some work for vast criminal networks of scammers and money launderers. They will use guilt, threats, emotional blackmail, and even threats of outing you or harming your loved ones to try to extort more money from you.

Your best bet is always meeting people who are local members of your kink community, who have been vetted, and whom you can check the reputation of. People who are known, or who can provide references from people who are known- and be sure to check with those people in a confidential conversation. Take your time getting to know anybody. Protect yourself.

And remember, if it's too good to be true? It probably is. Anyone who gets angry about you checking references or asking to vet them through others confidentially is not someone you want to tangle with. If they have no one in the community who is willing to speak well of them in a space where they know it won't get back to the person? Ask yourself why. If that person won't let you have a confidential conversation with anyone about them, ask yourself why? What threat of reprisal are they holding over someone's head?

But, I digress. These scammers are almost never actually members of our community. They are predators. Parasites. They might learn how to talk the talk, but they are not a part of our family. They are here to steal from us and hurt us. If you see these clear behavior patterns-

*a stranger nobody knows,
*who doesn't have any meaningful interactions with people online, either, just "following" a ton of random people all over the world,
*popping up out of the blue,
*offering you a ton of money without even knowing you,
*or getting to know you and then offering a ton of money-
*pressuring you really hard to then spend some of that money ON them in some way-

Report the conversation to the moderators of the site that you are on, so that they may investigate it properly. If it is happening in discord, report the behavior to the discord moderators.

Let's watch out for one another and keep our communities safe.

I got reported for explaining why it is a good idea to get the vaccine and continue to follow pandemic spread-preventing protocols? 
Heavens forbid safety is encouraged in our community, I guess! 

"But why bother getting vaccinated if nothing changes? If we have to wear masks and have lockdowns and stuff?"

I tried to explain it to my partner, and he got it, but said it was "too complicated" for most people, heh. He said "people are asking, why bother getting the vaccine if nothing changes?" I said "things WILL change, but it's like dungeons and dragons... let's say you have a 100-sided die, right? Rolling 50-100 gets you infected. Below or above that, and you're fine. If you are vaccinated, you get +95 to your roll, so you're only at risk if you somehow roll 1 through 5. Way better odds, right? But it doesn't stop there. See, ever single person who gets infected has to roll another die. If they roll 1-5, a mutation develops in their body, and this mutation is one that the vaccine isn't effective against, so that +95 to the roll is gone, and all the protection against symptoms is, too. I am not giving accurate numbers, but explaining how probability works in this situation."

Basically, TLDR, people with the vaccine are way less likely to get sick and to be carriers, but with a majority of the population still unvaccinated, even vaccinated people are at risk, because there are so many potential carriers still, so there's still a high potential for mutations that the vaccine cannot fight.
That's why we are still being asked to follow pandemic protocols. We who are fully vaccinated ARE much safer- for now, but that could change before we know it, so we need to stay the course until we achieve herd immunity through vaccination.

As for the people who say "it's my personal choice," remember that your choice doesn't just affect you- you can spread the disease, even when it is asymptomatic, to other people, who can then die or be permanently damaged. That is something YOU are responsible for doing- their blood is on your hands.

Hello friends,

In my area, it looks like, out of all demographics, the 20-29 year old age range are the most likely people to be carriers. Not the most likely to die from it, but that does happen, still, along with other serious consequences, some permanent. But it doesn't stop people from SPREADING it to those who ARE much more likely to die or suffer badly from it.

People of ANY age, ANY gender, ANY ethnicity, and ANY blood type can be carriers, even when asymptomatic. So, while one group is a little more likely, there's no magical group that can't be a carrier. The numbers are better here in CNY, but still not as good as they were before October. Nation-wide, Covid-19 is still often the leading cause of death, day-to-day, over heart disease and cancer, even.

Please, friends, be careful, and vaccinate as soon as you can. We will only beat this and get back to something resembling normal when we are all responsible citizens and do our part. Think of it as SSC.

1. Make it safer for everyone. Distance, mask up, wash your hands, and do what you can to minimize contact until this pandemic is no longer ravaging our communities.

2. Be sane, and listen to medical experts. Consider the likelihood that the consensus of a vast, vast, VAST majority of medical experts across the globe who have made the understanding of diseases their life's work carries more weight than a few outliers, or that conspiracy theory you saw on social media, which often has a political agenda behind it. The virus doesn't give a fuck about your political beliefs, or whether or not you want to stick it to the other team. Apply critical thinking. I know this whole thing is scary and overwhelming. I know it's causing a lot of suffering, and the things we have to do to get through it are causing suffering. I know we're all sick of it- but none of this makes the reality of the virus go away. None of this, including choosing to just not believe in it, makes it not real.

3. And consider that the people who also have to do things like get food and pay rent do not consent to being given this disease by you. "It's my personal choice" only holds water when you are the only person who suffers the consequences of your choice. If you decide to cut off your own leg, well, that's pretty crazy, but that's a choice you are making about your own body. If you go around cutting off other people's legs, it is other people who are suffering. If you choose to not vaccinate, not mask up, not isolate, and not distance, you have a really good chance of not just getting sick yourself, but also getting a lot of other people sick, and killed. Not being able to physically see the immediate consequences of your actions (or inactions) doesn't make your responsibility for them any less real. People are still going to die because of what you did, so it isn't just about your freedom any more. Being a part of a society comes with responsibilities. Being a part of a community comes with responsibilities. Even small children have to learn this.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, for some of us, at least. Let's move towards it together, instead of dragging each other back down into the dark. Will you stand with me? Will you do right by your community? Will you be a person who can be trusted to be safe? We can do this, together.

Back in the early 1990s, my mom delivered meals to AIDS patients who were too sick to go out much any more. It was always considered fatal back then, and there was so much stigma attached to it that people often ended up becoming outcast pariahs because of it. I remember going with her once to visit a guy whose birthday it was. He was alone, crying, and drunk. No one had even called to wish him a happy birthday. He'd been completely abandoned. My mom and I were the only people who came to see him. We hugged him and hung out for a while after giving him food.

We got a couple blocks away before mom pulled over and started sobbing. I held her while she cried. I was maybe 15 or 16. I felt really old right then, and I was both right and wrong about that. Mom had to have been younger than I am now. I wish I could go back in time and talk to her as the person I am now. We could have learned a lot from each other.

Back then, you also saw a lot of people in denial. Willfully ignorant people who wanted to have their fun and not worry. AIDS was a big, scary spectre, so they pretended it wasn't a threat to them. "That's a gay disease. I can't get it." "Oh, I can tell she doesn't have it by looking at her." "I'm young and healthy. It won't happen to me, and I won't get anybody I care about sick."

A lot of folks in my community back in SF lived through the AIDS pandemic, and buried a lot of loved ones. We're watching people have that same goddamned attitude. "It won't happen to me. The deaths are fake numbers. I'm young and healthy. I do what I want. It's a conspiracy- it isn't real. They just want to control you."

We are burying friends and loved ones, again. Humanity never seems to learn, as a species.

But me? I'm watching who is being reckless, who is going out and getting people sick when they should know better, when they CHOOSE not to. I'm watching, and I'm going to remember. I will never trust you. Never.

So, I am a student of Japanese Tea Ceremony, Omotesenke school, to be exact. 

As such, I drink ceremonial grade matcha, prepared traditionally in a tea bowl with a whisk. It is the finest tea leaves, exposed to the least amount of sunlight, so it has as little bitterness as possible. It is plucked from the very top branches, only the first couple leaves. From there, the leaves are steamed, dried, and ground into a fine, talcum-like powder. This is used to make koicha, which is a thick tea the consistency of warm honey, without the stickiness. It is nothing like the tincture one drinks from a steeped tea bag- the leaves, themselves, are consumed. It is very intense.

Today, I practiced, for the first time, making a single bowl of thick tea for 5 people. This involved 15 grams of powdered tea leaves, as each serving of thick tea is approximately 3 grams of tea. I used some matcha that was for sure on the old side, but still safe to consume. I didn't want to fuck up really good, fresh tea.

The monstrousity I produced was not good tea. there were a couple of chunks in it. I used a bit too much water in the first pour, as one is meant to make a ganache as the leaf particles slowly absorb the water, kneading the tea until it is glossy and pulls on the whisk. Then, one adds more water, just enough that it pours into your mouth when you tilt the bowl, albeit a bit slowly. It's not meant to have chunks. The tea was for sure on the old side, too.

Still, I'm poor, and I have that guilty kind of "you can't waste that" feeling, especially since true ceremonial grade matcha from Japan (in a tin, and never from China, where the soil on tea plantations for matcha is often contaminated with lead,) is quite expensive. Therefore, I drank it all. All of it. All 15 grams. The glaze of tea left in the bowl? I turned that into usucha, which is thin tea. It all went into my body. 

After, I did two loads of laundry, did the dishes, and wrote a speech. Now? Now my stomach hurts, but I CAN SEE THROUGH TIME. I am buzzing about like a fucking bumblebee. My crippled ass is flying. I climbed on my mate. I mildly frightened the cats. I ate a low carb brownie, forgetting that I made it with coffee.

I can fold space. I have become a Bene Gesserit witch. My eyes are glowing, not blue, but green. The matcha mush flow. I have seen all that was, all that is, and all that may yet come to pass. Look upon my works, o mortals, for all shall love me and DESPAIR.

Not sure how to get off ceiling, please send help. 

I got dragged really hard by some people Elseweb where one can write Fet type things, by certain people. 

Not long after that, though? I think the reason why became pretty damned clear. 

I, unfortunately, take no pleasure in saying "I told you so." 

I really need a partner I can speak to openly about such things without it becoming a battle.