Defining my role as a dominant

I saw this and thought some people might find it funny.

If you are interested in what "Letters Live" is, here is a link: https://letterslive.com/.

I've been thinking about the dynamics of having a "slave" 24/7/365.  The ideal is that the "slave" signs a contract agreeing to certain considerations and loss of rights.  And this assumes that the "slave" can at any time, say "I'm done with this" and walk away.  [However, one Mistress (Ingrid Bellemare) took compromising photos of the "slave" at the beginning (with permission of the "slave") and keeps them with the threat of releasing them should the "slave" decide to quit the contract mid-term.]

However, if the "slave" acts in the agreed upon position long enough, doesn't he/she/it become institutionalized.  At which point, the "slave" becomes a slave, and there is no more free will.  Some evidence are cases of Stockholm Syndrome, Lee Boyd Malvo, countless women who stay with their abusive husbands, ....  

I have seen a few references in the literature to having an agreed upon (weekly) time in which the submissive is an equal and can speak freely, but this does not seem to be mentioned enough.  Even so, the risk of turning the contracted "slave" into an actual slave would still be present.

The other night, my wife and I tried for her to reach subspace.  I had read that we should not expect success on our first attempt, and lack of success definitely describes the attempt.  Oh well.

However, I did manage to tickle her a few times, and when we ended, she had a very red ass.  The next day, the bruises on her butt were very noticeable to me, so I took a picture of them for her to see.  (She said that now that she knows what they look like, she feels them more.)

Fortunately, she said that she would be willing to try again - after it heals.  :-)

I am not offering any great insight here on brats, but I have been reading a lot about them in the BDSM world recently.  I have found a few articles with insights into motivation and meaning behind their actions, and I have run across a few "To Do" checklists of actions that are "bratty".

Some of the articles I read make me want to work with a brat, and other pieces make me want to feel sorry for anyone who does.  I assume like most categories in life, there is a wide spectrum of brats, and some would be a great fit for me and some would not.

However, I feel like there are a few items that would be a concern for most people.  Three of the suggestions for brats are 

• call out our safe word when Master is driving too fast
• yell safe word in the grocery store
• stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safe word.

I feel that using the safe word in non-serious matters would be like crying wolf.  How many times is misusing the safe word going to happen before the Dom ignores it?

There was another group of suggestions centered on destroying various toys and pieces of equipment.  It made me feel that any Dom taking on a brat should request a security deposit.  And the suggestions of slipping a laxative into food would be a huge "NO".  I am sorry that someone thinks it is appropriate to have someone else consume anything not expected.

Then there are the just plain juvenile actions (such as burping responses to the Dom).  Unless age play is involved, a brat should not be behaving like a spoiled child.  Being a child at heart does not mean one must model the worst aspects of a child.

However, there were several items that thought were funny (e.g. yelling "fire" every time Master lights a candle or swapping nice expensive cufflinks for Hello Kitty cufflinks) mixed in with the juvenile and potentially dangerous actions.

I did find one article (https://houseofbrat.wordpress.com/) that gave the following advise to brats:

• First off no matter what you do ALWAYS remember your manners.
• Secondly ALWAYS take time to plot out any big ideas so that you can ensure no harm befalls you or Him.
• Keep things respectful

I wish more of the "To Do" lists contained these reminders.  I will continue to read and to hope to understand typical brats in the BDSM world, and even more I hope to be able to find out how to differentiate them.

As Beau would say, "Anyway, it's just a thought."

Punishments or Consequences for One’s Actions

• Punishment shall not be given in anger or frustration.
• Punishment should not be given out without trying to understand the reason for the infraction.
• The punishment should meet the severity of the infraction.
• The punishment should be appropriate for the submissive.
• No punishment shall be given without a reason for that particular punishment.

Have I missed anything?

I figure that some form of this would go into an agreement up front.  Also, I did borrow some of the wording from another Dom.

My promise:

• I will never intend to perform an act that would cause any lasting physical harm to the sub.
• I will never intend to perform an act that would cause any lasting emotional harm to the sub.
• I will respect the outside commitments (e.g. job, charity work, ...) the sub has and will not intend to cause issues for her in these commitments.
• I will learn her needs and try to satisfy them.
• I will learn her goals and help her reach them.
• I will learn her hard limits and respect them.
• I will learn her soft limits and approach them gently.
• I will learn her safe words and respect them.
• I will protect her.
• I will be patient with her.
• I will try to set realistic goals for each of us as we work toward the relationship we want.
• I will make us my greatest priority.
• When I communicate my thoughts and emotions, I will do so without any obfuscation. I will be honest and forthright.
• I will challenge her, support her, and help her reach her goals.
• I will be as healthy as I can be.
• I will be open to learn and be humble when I make a mistake.
• I will not forget for us to have fun.

I think I am approaching a coherent philosophy of BDSM.  Here is my draft of the overall principles by which I would live.

Tenets (in no particular order):

• The Dominant signs on to make decisions for two people with both of their interests in mind within the boundaries of the agreement.
• The submissive signs on to let someone else make decisions for her to help her grow as a person within the boundaries of the agreement.
• Honesty, trust, communication, and respect are at the heart of the relationship.
• Neither the Dom nor the sub is inherently better than the other.
• We are humans and will make mistakes. What matters is how we deal with those mistakes.

Comments, Critiques, and Questions are welcome.

Having read more on the Dominant's role, there seems to be a mix of opinions on whether a Dom should apologize.  One school of thought is that apologizing makes a Dom seem lesser to a sub, but at the same time, apologizing seems to keep at the forefront the idea that we are working with people.

Do the Doms at The Cage apologize?  Do the subs at The Cage think less of the Doms who do?  I am looking for your personal experiences.

I've read a bit on the ending of the D/s (M/s) relationships.  There seems to be a variety of approaches (as one should expect), with what seems like two ends of a spectrum below.

• All one person in the relationship needs to do is text "STOP" to the other, and the relationship ends - no questions asked. 
• The relationship is not over until the D(M) says that the relationship can not be fixed.

I was also wondering if any D(M) has set up a severance package (not sure what it would be called in the BDSM world), as a last act of protection of the s?

I am open to comments from anyone who has seen it done well and from anyone who has seen it done poorly.

My current relationship did not start out as a D/s relationship, but instead, it evolved over a few decades.  Therefore, I did not have to train a submissive in the same way as someone who is trying to get a submissive up to speed in a relatively short amount of time (a few years).

So the idea of punishment is still somewhat of an abstract concept, other than I know it is a tool to train.  Some articles that I have read suggest punishment should be used to help the trainee to remember her transgression through pain or isolation, while others are more nurturing (which would be my inclination).  [Note that all of the articles that I have read are strongly against abuse.]  All of the punishment is done with the idea of helping the submissive be submissive.  And I know that what is appropriate depends on the type of submissive (brat, little, rope bunny, ...) and the type of transgression.  

What I want to know is what has worked for you personally (as a Dom or a sub) and why?