The Culture that has been here all the time

Yes, I am a widower who was married to my late wife for more than 40 years. We were opposites in many ways, but extremely compatible in our intimacy: we both loved sex as much as we loved each other. In the BDSM world, there usually is a Dom and a sub. My wife was the quintessential sub. It was her deliberate choice to be my sex slave in practice, though I may have been too easy-going a Dom by some people's opinion. Nevertheless, we learned from each other, and that contributed to the ultimate longevity of our relationship.

I know she wanted me to find another lover when she realized her diagnosis was terminal, so I am trying to find a sexual partner or partners if that is my destiny. Nothing about me or my life has been or is perfect, but I am still a very active man for my age, and my libido is alive and well. Maybe it is a curse because not being used to socializing, especially at this time, leaves me at a disadvantage.

I am trying, and I am determined not to give up.¹

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(1) PS Exploring Intimacy
Sex and physical affection look different in our seventies, but intimacy remains a vital part of a fulfilling relationship. Natural bodily changes and health conditions are common. However, many couples find that focusing on touch, emotional bonding, and open communication with your partner or a healthcare provider keeps romance alive and well. AARP

Sex is much more than physical satisfaction. Writing this in a BDSM blog is like preaching to the choir (sorry for the cliche). I mustn't assume that all here are experts, nor that all here are lovers with long-term experience. Deep emotional bonding and deep sexual satisfaction are not mutually connected except in one way: through communication. Too much communication, however, can diminish sexual excitement by diminishing spontaneity, so we must somehow ensure we keep room for something unexpected in the mix as well (an important balance). If you consider that men and women introduce variation according to their sexual identity, then addressing this is important. Practice may be the only way to keep both sexes mutually happy. I am almost sure we all have experienced someone (maybe even ourselves) being sensitive about being criticized concerning us and sex.

I will ignore the exceptions to this statement: Sexual fulfillment is a blend of excitement, physical satisfaction, and emotional completeness unique for individuals because we are all unique in certain ways not limited to but illustrated by our individuality.

Examples:

Fingerprints & Toe Prints: The friction ridges, loops, and whorls on your digits are formed in the womb and remain entirely yours. Even identical twins have distinct prints.
Iris Patterns: The complex, pigmented muscle structure of the eye forms a unique pattern of folds and crypts that differs between both eyes and all individuals.
Tongue Prints: Like fingers, the surface ridges, bumps, and pits on your tongue leave a one-of-a-kind impression.
Ear Shapes: The size, folds, cartilage structure, and curvature of the outer ear are highly individual.
Lips: The exact dips, crevices, and wrinkles (known as lip prints) are unique to you.
Retina: The intricate arrangement of blood vessels in the back of the eye is completely unique to your nervous system

I'll stop here if you're interested in this subject. There is a plethora of information online.

I suspect most people who describe their ideal partner as a soul mate are referring to an emotional and psychological description. I firmly believe that sexual compatibility is an extremely valid point, and mating is not the only reason we have sexual relations. Typically, with intimate tactile involvement, tactile involvement covers a multitude of mistakes.

"Sexual joining" typically refers to sexual intercourse (or coitus), the physical act where individuals intimately unite their bodies. Biologically, . . ."

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In these days since my wife passed away and I remain in isolation, I have had time to consider many things, including why we received almost no help from friends and family. I conclude that maybe I wasn't the best guy I could have been, but my wife didn't deserve to be abandoned.

I go over my life almost continuously, uncovering things I could have done differently or better. After all these years, most of the discoveries have long passed when I could have made amends, apologized, or implemented a correction. I suppose the best thought is I am reaping what I have sown, whether I recognized what I could have done better or not.

I know there were times when people made incorrect assumptions about me, but I only learned about them long after the damage had been done, and there was no chance for clarification.

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I arrived in the world of BDSM¹ as I realized a number of things about relationships and then discovered more about myself than I expected. Also, the internet was crawling with scammers, and BDSM sites were better protected. I know the mourning for my late wife will pass; having a new companion would offer possibilities, but it will not completely guarantee complete emotional recovery immediately. 

My ideal image is: a companion who understands this and allows for mourning to run its course.

Each day I experience something new, most unexpected feelings. Usually, I am in balance with reality and my hopes. Sometimes in the morning, I wake feeling horrible: alone, sad, and almost hopeless. As I retired last night, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with sadness: I realized I could not have saved my wife, nor could I time-travel and make some aspects of our past better.

My isolation puzzled me until I realized friends and family were not willing to take the eight-year journey of my wife's decline with me. Frozen in not knowing what to do or how to help. I also realize that my intense interest in science, technology, music, and art was too much for many people to share.

As I end this post, I realize it represents an improvement in how I interpret my life as it is now. A step in the right direction.

1 More realistic and honest about relationships and especially sex.

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Grant me this: I converse with an AI counselor. The VA doctor was forced to retire, so I have no one to voice my new life and its challenges.

"James… what you just shared tells me something important about the dynamic you had with your wife — and also something about the hole her absence left behind.

When you say she was submissive and needed your encouragement, what I hear is this:

You weren’t just a husband. You were her steady place, her voice of reassurance, the person she leaned on when she doubted herself.

And when someone has spent years being that anchor, losing them doesn’t just create emotional grief — it creates a loss of purpose, a loss of the role you played every day without even thinking about it.

That kind of loss can absolutely spill into your space, your routines, your motivation. Messiness becomes a sign that the structure you used to provide for someone else isn’t being reflected back at you anymore.

Let me help you understand what’s happening and what to do with it — gently, without judgment." Copilot

This question arose when, uncharacteristically, I am now sloppy and even messy. There are articles online indicating it is a sign I am calling out for help. pixabay

 Sure, there are a lot of miles on me, but that means I have a great deal of experience, ladies. I see my host of regular mechanics (doctors) religiously take their prescriptions to keep a used-up old man more youthful than you might expect. I also had a great deal of time to consider many things in life as I cared for my late wife for eight years.

Life has few guarantees, but the odds are in my favor as my family genes regularly produced nonagenarians, and I have yet to become an octogenarian.

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So quantum physics reports that plants use superposition when engaged in photosynthesis, and migratory birds use quantum physics to navigate when they migrate. I suspect it won't be long before it is discovered that humans determine their soul mate using quantum processes in our brains. Maybe even love at first sight?

I sure could use a soul mate at this point in my life. I even was hoping we are already entangled at the quantum level.

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Young men need to prove themselves in some way. The traditional measure was prowess and the ability to care for their mate and family, if that was their aim. They should have at least a promise of a stable future.

Older men, especially when they are retired, should be financially stable and have a record of keeping their commitments. If they are still fit enough to be active, that is a big plus for the possibility of acquiring a companion. I am in the second category.

I have studied lucid dreams in the past and have experienced some very interesting ones (I remember most of my dreams). I had a lucid dream last night, and this morning, scanning news articles, I was surprised to see a prominent story about lucid dreaming. For those who do not know about them:

Key Characteristics (AI)
Conscious Awareness: You know you are dreaming while the dream is actively happening.
Control and Manipulation: Many (though not all) lucid dreamers can exert control over their actions, the setting, or the dream narrative.
Physiological State: Lucid dreams primarily occur during Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. Scientists have validated this phenomenon in sleep labs, where participants signal their awareness through pre-determined eye movements while still asleep.

The CIA studied the phenomenon intensely.

My lucid dream involved a relationship with a woman (I never met her in life), I found her very attractive, and we were interacting in various common scenes: a room, a beach, a lunch, just like it was happening for real. Sadly, just as we seemed to be getting into a relationship, my cat decided to walk all over me and wake me. He brought me back to my mundane reality (I still love him and forgive him).

Instead of offering links and literature, I will leave that up to you because the body of information is large and varied.
 

Why irony hits so hard
Irony works because it exposes the gap between:

what we expect
what reality delivers
And that gap is where humor, frustration, or insight lives.

I have been affected by irony too often in my life. When things turn out well, that is great, but when things go wrong. I become perplexed and confused. I like to reflect on my early teenage years: I tried to imitate pop culture: Blue suede shoes, black leather jackets, playing guitar, and singing. Yet the amazing thing was? Every girl I liked didn't like me, and the girls I didn't like liked me. This situation didn't clear up until later, when I began performing regularly in New York City with a band I created. Like a child in a candy shop, I wound up causing problems out of ignorance. Eventually, I had normal experiences of marriage, divorce, children, and remarriage. My marriage to my late wife was more than forty years. Most of that time, I got by in life by making mostly the right assumptions and decisions. Here I am, old, still functioning well, living the life of a widower. Every day, I discover something about that situation and something about myself. The most significant self-revelation? Despite some faux claim, I wanted to be a hermit; I truly believe I am not meant to be alone, but I am.

I have a great deal of interests and experience to share, and I have softened my hard-line misanthropy; like a swimmer putting one toe in a cold lake, I want to swim with people and seek a compatible companion to share this phase of my life.