The Culture that has been here all the time

Hello Friends,

When I gaze into a mirror, I see a man living through one big mistake after another all his life. How did I make it this far? Some say someone was praying for me. Some say ignorant bliss. Some say blind luck.

No one says I knew what I was doing with this life of mine.

My academic success and my creative success are all accidental or an undeserved gift from the Universe. I claim nothing. And hell, I am not even nice to hang out with. Sure, I was a jolly alcoholic who could become menacing on a dime, but that mainly ended forty years ago and totally for about a decade now.

Most of my ideas about the future were nebulous, incomplete, and inconsistent. I could manage self-discipline, but it was a fragile truce with my demons.

Truth has it? I never really envision a future with any clarity: I stumble from the past through the present and wind up in an unplanned future.

I do interact with people and muster a smile and an odd sense of humor, but I feel most at home alone with my thoughts. My wife was my anchor, and I was her anchor. Now, we are both adrift, and her cognitive disorder ends my chance to have any happiness in the future (if I even get there).

Hello Friends,

I know I am living in a role like a play or movie. Each episode of my life has a new script, milieu, location, plot, and cast. I must learn the vocabulary of the lines, maybe an accent, and even adopt a persona. As the scenes roll past, characters interact, and settings change, I must do my best to keep the audience engaged and believe that the character I portray is a real person. In the final, just before Fine' I hear "exit stage right," and never am I sure I will reemerge on some stage left or in a new scene. Jim

Hello Friends,

I have been having numerous dreams at night lately. Some of them I remember all the details, while others are parts. A common thread has seemed to become evident in all or most of them:

In each, I am on a mission to rally people to combat some negative force represented by others in the opposing group(s): war, disaster, famine, or some situation where the odds for success are not good. I wake up with a sense of incompleteness and anxiety.

(I get on with my day, and my life moves along as usual with the primary concern of care for my wife). 

Hello Friends,

All the assumptions about who you should allow yourself to like will go "out the window" when suddenly you are face to face with someone who likes you and that you like. Relationships are not beauty contests, muscle contests, talent contests, or even compatibility contests. It is an incomplete science, and data can only scratch the surface. It is probably unexpected, like a bolt of lightning out of the blue. The feelings could creep in or flash "go" instantly. What have I learned from the kink community? The big one is one size of anything or one preference of anything that doesn't fit all.

Two partners make their own decisions and live the way they agree to live. There are no archetypes or stereotypes. Only people decide what is suitable for themselves and the rules they choose for themselves.

Yes, I am totally imperfect. I even tumbled in a wind storm at Tucumcari, N.M., like the weeds that dented my car hood there, and even caused friction like the sand that blasted my car finish when I was there. I often am solitary, even in a crowd. It is like I am sitting on top of Franklin Mountain overlooking the lights of El Paso on a cool night. Or at Twin Lights State Historic Site* in N. J. scanning the ocean horizon, Long Island Lights, or the Narrows bridge and the City beyond. There are so many people out there, but only one inside of me.

* There were very many days as a young man I went to think there, especially when I was swamped with blues and purples. https://www.twinlightslighthouse.org/

Some of you my friends most likely know this already:

"Cuckoos are brood parasites, which means that they do not actually raise their own eggs. Instead, they will sneak onto another bird's nest and lay an egg in that nest. Female cuckoos target the nests of specific bird species. In the UK, this is usually the reed warbler, the dunnock and the meadow pipit."

https://www.discoverwildlife.com/animal-facts/birds/facts-about-cuckoos

"Cuckold
Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Cuckold
In biology, a cuckold is a male who unwittingly invests parental effort in juveniles who are not genetically his offspring. A husband who is aware of and ..."

Hello Friends,

When we make an assumption, we risk a lot. It is not wise to base our plans upon assumptions. The most significant assumption I have made at the age of 76 is I will not be able to find a soulmate on par with what my life has been with my fading spouse. That is logical, and I have been trained to be rational. Yet, I also have had extensive enlightenment with romantic idealism. My situation is a handicap concerning this ambition. It has been relegated to the furthest back burner in my mind.

I saw a Mourning Dove standing by its beloved mate lying on the street, and it made me extremely sad. Mourning Doves mate for life. I could not stop wondering if they ever seek and find another mate. That seems like a metaphor for some people, but it is unclear if it will apply to me when the time comes.

I want to assume out in the cosmos is a woman who will be as much in need of a soulmate as I and if we will ever meet. There are billions of people on Earth, and it seems this possibility surely must exist. Or am I making a futile assumption with this thought?

Yes, Friends,

My life is what it is, no one else's fault or blame. If I want to keep everyone at arm's length for my own reasons, that is okay. I will not fake it or pretend it is good. I have always accepted the consequences and honored my commitments. I have not always been a good boy, polite and keeping a smiley face. I can be complex, but not intentionally. It just happens that way.

So, I still care for my wife because that was a promise made on our wedding day. She can not be replaced, and I have acted like a fool to even think I could. It isn't right to seek someone to replace her while she is still living, and I won't have enough time to start a new life with another woman after she is gone.

What I have learned in this BDSM culture will probably help me in my next life if I get another life, that is.

Hello Friends,

I took a nap after cutting the lawn in the back, and when I woke, I remembered that life was filled with used to be in great numbers.

Each school year, we used to anticipate the coming of summer vacation.

We used to anticipate graduation.

I used to wait for deployment in the U.S. Army, knowing I would see a place I had never been.

As a performer, I looked forward to gigs on Friday and Saturday nights.

I longed for time with a lover.

We looked eagerly for our regular vacation in New England or some other mountains.

The Jersey Shore was our lifelong home or home away from home (depending on where we lived).

TV shows or movies added in a little variety.

Now, it seems almost entirely what I love or like is a "used to be." Yes, I struggled with depression for decades now. On stage, I could hide it. At work, I hid it pretty well. My wife and family knew me, but it was how they saw me (my norm). In Church, I hid it well. To all my doctors, I could present my best Academy Award performance acting normally (until my wife's Dementia illness tested me). All the world is one big cinema* to me, and I am the film's star.

Now? I accept my "used to be game" has been replaced with my "never will be or will never be again game."

The most haunting never will be? I doubt I will ever experience "true love again and an exceptional sexual relationship with a special love that goes with it." 

Special update: It is ok to be depressed. Many famous people live or have lived out their lives being depressed. Some undoubtedly found a significant other to be understanding, tolerant, and forgiving in their relationship. I feel most at home with myself, with some level of depression affecting me: That is the real me, after all.

* https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/56966/speech-all-the-worlds-a-stage

Hello Friends,

I discovered age issues between lovers are not a problem for many folks.

An older friend asked me that some time ago, and I thought it was a common issue, but as I lived longer, I discovered that the opposite was the case. Then came an issue tied to our culture that is harder to ignore: Financial Issues.

Another friend older than myself was once well off, but an adverse turn in his fortunes depleted his wealth. His wife also passed away about the same time, and he found himself alone. We were raised in a cultural environment where if a man could not maintain his self-reliance, he was in danger of losing the respect of others and self-respect. My friend met a wealthy woman, and they fell in love, but he was distraught because she was about to assume the role of supporter for both of them.

He asked me if this was a bad situation and whether he should seek a woman who was on par with his situation. The culture we grew up within would have demanded it. My answer?

We all must follow what is given to us, and in this situation, the only people who counted were she and he. Live in the envelope of love you both enjoy and ignore the nay-sayers.

Hello Friends,

As usual, I am constantly thinking and coming up with questions that I need to find an answer to. This morning, I awakened from a series of dreams from a beach to dental work, but somewhere in the group emerged a question that stuck with me: Can lovers become allergic to each other? They were not tired of each other or lost interest in each other but developed a physical allergic reaction to each other. The quick Google answer:

"Yes, it's possible for lovers to become allergic to each other, though it's rare. This can happen during sex, or to products like lubricants, spermicides, or condoms. You can also react to one person's body fluids but not another's. For example, you might be allergic to your partner's saliva, which can continue to release the allergen hours after your body has absorbed food or medicine. Symptoms include hives, itching, rash, swelling of the lips or throat, and wheezing."

"Yes, people can develop allergic reactions to each other's semen, also known as seminal plasma hypersensitivity. These reactions are rare and are caused by proteins in semen, not the sperm. You can be allergic to one person's semen, but not another's, and you can be allergic to more than one partner's semen."

 

I was surprised at the extent of information available on this subject. It seems medication can be needed, as well as the advice of your physician.

Try an OTC allergy med?