I saw this graphic today...it spoke so deeply to me that I wanted to share it.
Your music is not too loud
Your music is not too much
YOU are not too much!
I know I have struggled with feeling like I am simply too much-too loud, too bold, too happy, too emotional, too childlike, and on and on and on further down that rabbit hole I have tumbled. I'd like to say that I have arrived and never feel I am "too much" because I have moved past that. However, I would be lying.
I am thankful for a very patient and gracious Sir who lets me go through these things, but doesn't leave me to get swallowed up in it or consumed by it. (Although sometimes I question whether I am not on a stubborn crash course to stay down the rabbit hole) He lets me scream, cry, act out and get it out, and then (most often) gently helps me to navigate through these tumultuous waters. I make them even rockier because quite honestly the idea of being too much comes not because other people tell me as much. Oh no! It is an idea mixed up in my mind and I throw my perceptions onto others and force them to wear my opinions of myself. *whomp whomp*
The navigation of these seas also is because of close friends. Friends that offer cuddles, yet also offer perspective. Not always the happy light and fluffy kind either! I am talking the hard truths, the in your face kind of truths.
These are the people that I want to have in my corner! The people that walk through the good and the bad. The ones that see me for who I am, who encourage me and love me enough to speak truth. (We all deserve to know when we are being a bozo! Even if we don't particularly want to hear it)
Too often we simply just try to quiet the noise. I want to work through it. I want to bring it back to life. I want the music to shine through. I am a singer-i LOVE singing. (Even if a certain handsome Sir took 5 months of being together before he realized he liked hearing me sing! 😘) I don't want to quiet that....the melodies, the harmonies, the major and minor key changes, the discord...all of it make up the beautiful music that is ME.
These are not my words. This blog today is written by a friend who does not want to be known.
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What I’m referring to is that deeper connection between two people and still having a D/s or M/s relationship. Dare I say it, but “love”. The need/desire to be with one person and make that person your world. Some people would say that is marriage, and maybe it is, but I’m not even saying that. I’m getting the distinct feeling that the BDSM community as a whole does not value these things anymore. I didn’t encounter these issues when I was younger and people actually had to meet in person to meet because the interwebs were not that active. Is that the problem? The internet has made sex so instant that we don’t have to work for anything anymore? Or is this a “me” problem? Who knows? These are some of the things that I’ve heard when being encountered by a Dom that asks, “What are you looking for in a Dom?” and I answer with the above… “Well what do you expect? This IS a sex site!” - It is? To me it is more of a community of people who share commonalities. A place where all us kinky ass people can come together and not only look for that person we want to be with, but make friends as well. To me, BDSM is not ALL about sex, and I do not come here to look at porn. I will probably never appreciate a dick pic and I do not get aroused in the least when you message me to tell me that you’re jacking off. “You should really open your mind up more. You’re missing out on so many possibilities” - No I shouldn’t and no I’m not. I am who I am and I’M okay with me. I like me just fine. There are many different types of preferences around here and many different kinks/fetishes, and I’m not judging a single one of them – I never would. To me, that is like telling someone who is a homosexual that they should just open up their mind to the possibility of sex with the opposite gender. I wouldn’t do that. “Awww. You’re charming. And rare” - Both of those adjectives sound like a good thing, but they do not bode well for me in this community. “You’re so naïve” - Maybe I am. “Maybe you’re not really submissive; just vanilla. You should find yourself a good doctor to marry” - Maybe I just value sex. Actually, that’s not a maybe – I do value it. But that has nothing to do with me being submissive or not. And I’m not going to sit here and try and convince anyone that I’m submissive. This isn’t my first rodeo and I’m old enough to know almost exactly what I do and don’t like, and who I am and who I am not. “But the BDSM community is all about sharing sex and not settling with anyone!” - Is it? Did I miss the memo? Maybe I’m charming and naïve and rare… but I have a feeling that I’m not the only one who is. So you tell me why the two cannot coexist? BDSM and love that is.
just feeling so lost and unsure about so many things lately. Certainly don't feel like Sparkles the Fierce. Not very sparkly right now at all. And that is ok.
This song speaks to me in ways i can't express right now.
We were having a skype Date Day. Yay! Time that was set apart to be different than our normal calls. Time to really just focus on each other in a special way. It really is just a reason for me to get dressed up and look cute👗💄👠 ... or something. I fail to see the problem here. It makes both of us happy. 💕
There was a weird feeling but neither of us seemed to be able to ariticulate what was really going on. Even leading up to the date I felt something was off-i had the hardest time finding motivation to get ready! (definitely not normal) So as tension grew and grew, I just felt uneasy. It seemed crazy to me at the time-I mean I am not uneasy with Sir. At all! We both knew the uneasiness was there, but tried to continue on while ignoring an elephant in the center of the room. (the elephant was purple with bright pink spots, in case you were wondering!)
He tried to be creative and had a plan to follow the question
"Do you still want to be my submissive?"
....BUT he never got that far.
DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!
The pot boiled over and off exploded the lid....
My response made time stand still...(my response is NOT actually how i recommend talking to ANYONE, let alone your Dominant. DO NOT try this at home!)
*this would be the part you conservative traditionalists may want to bow out, or at the very least, please sit down, you are about to have a heart attack! Ok. I warned you!**
My response was not peppered in kindness or even a simple "Yes Sir". No, not even close! (Remember i said "off popped the lid") I apparently lost my mind and said
"What the FUCK did you just say that for?"
(You can stop reaching for your belts now, Conservative Disciplinarians!)
Time stood still. No one made a sound. We both were just kind of stunned, and that is putting it mildly. Yes, my mama taught me better than that. I have not always had a mouth like that.
After what felt like an eternity, we both recovered from the shock. My question broke the tension for sure. It didn't add more tension like you might assume. I did not have to wash my mouth out with soap or put a clothespin or bobby pins on my tongue. I wasn't being a sasshole (like he may or may not have referred to me previously in the conversation...). It was a genuine question. My INTERPRETATION of his statement (that was meant to be playful) opened the flood gates of all my insecurities and questions, and my eyes started leaking like a faucet. 😥His statement has been used previously when we were going through some things and deciding if we were indeed still going to move forward.We have no intentions of giving up, and we will fight for this because it is so worth it.
The entire mood was killed, no more play time. There was no longer anything sexy about the moment. I no longer was on my knees, instead I was crumbled in a heap, barely holding it together. He wasn't much better in that moment.💔
What DID happen, though, was conversation. COMMUNICATION. We were able to talk through the things that had built up and were making us feel uneasy. We talked about wants and needs and desires in ways we had not previously. We shared fears and hopes. We shared life. Somehow we had lost 'us' and instead there was an element of robotic mimicry of the way we thought things were supposed to happen-the way a Dominant is supposed to 'lay the law down.' The way a submissive is supposed to act and be. What works for us may not be how others think it is supposed to be done, and that is ok. 💖 We had to decide, What do WE want?
So yes, I may not be soft-spoken, always agreeing, or reserving of my thoughts and opinions. I may be the exact opposite sometimes. And yes, many would argue that I handled the situation inappropriately. Perhaps for them I did. For us, it was the perfect catalyst to move us forward. I have never been known for being quiet. Bold? Yes! And the rest of the call was filled with some more bold moves from yours truly. (Nope, not sharing the lovely details. Sorry folks. hahahaha get out of here with that stuff!) Boldness that helped me realize i can be seductive 😘, that i can sparkle✨, and that empowering and feeding his dominance is NOT topping from the bottom. (Don't even get me started on that one! Can we just agree that phrase is perhaps one of the most misused and misunderstood phrases in our community!)
And you know what? He loves my passion and my boldness! 😍 We didn't walk away from the encounter bruised and broken. No! We walked away with a freedom. We walked away stronger! We walked away with a renewed vision of who we are,where we are going, and how/what works for US! I love us. We are definitely better together! Through hard work and intentional actions we will go further, it most definitely will not be accidental. But, hey, i love the song and it makes me smile! (As does Sir 😘😊)
-Keep Sparkling! Don't let anyone dull your sparkle my friends!✨💖
"Of course, I understand. I expected this. Makes sense. I have known since before we got together that you felt this way and it was a possibility. Why would it bother me?! Yes, I am ok with this."
Even now as I write this, those words echo in my head. I WASN'T lying, all of those statements are true on a certain level. However, after the conversation, i was only left with an unsettled feeling. I realized that my response was fueled more by being the right answer, not causing waves, my desire to please, and putting on a brave game face. A friend reminded me that I need to speak NOT from that brave game face, but from the parts deep down inside that were shaking and scared. You know, the vulnerable parts of me?!
I had to really sit down and figure things out-long hard conversations with myself. What on Earth was going on and how did I get to this point? The unsettled feeling would not leave. It wasn't that I was actually afraid to speak my mind, (people who know me will just nod their heads and agree, THAT is usually not my challenge!) It wasn't that I was lying. It wasn't that i was trying to deceive or give a false impression-at least none of those things were done intentionally.
My heart and my head, simply, were not in alignment.
I genuinely want Sir to be happy. I genuinely want to support him in his adventures. My heart feels happy that he was going on a date with someone. My heart hurts when he hurts. My heart is happy when he is happy. My heart bubbles with joy with the sound of his voice. My head was comparing. My head was comparing myself against someone I have never met. My head was unsettled because I was comparing and making the other person more important than me. My head was comparing this situation to past experiences and expectations in a traditional monogamous setting. My head compared myself instantly to "little girl sparkles" and past hurts and life experiences.
LITTLE GIRL SPARKLES. Not Little girl as in the Little part of me with curly ribbons and cute braids in my hair when I go to the local BDSM club 🤗 No, the little girl who grew up believing she wasn't good enough because her dad left (and her mom took him back 16 times) for numerous other women. The little girl who based her ideas of relationships on a wonky, jacked up example. And the girl who grew up in a pretty conservative bubble.
However, THIS situation is not that situation. My dad simply didn't know what he wanted and always chased after the next best thing. I have never once believed that I was less important, if anything in this situation Sir has gone out of the way to show me the opposite- I am valued. I have value. I am loved. I am cared for. I am not being thrown away or aside for the next best thing. I am important to him now and will continue to be. I am not the best thing because I am not a thing at all. I am a person. 💗
Heart and head much closer to alignment
I'd be lying to saying those fears will never resurface and insecurities have fled forever. Let's be realistic- I may be quite amazing and extraordinary (every person is) but I am not a machine, I am human with a human heart 💜. However, I am able to shift the paradigm and see through a different set of lenses. Things are beautiful, perhaps colorful like looking through a kaleidoscope. As we navigate this road together, hand in hand- we are happy together. We will 'suffer' together. We will grow together. We will only grow stronger. I will not let go. He will not let go.
"Of course, I understand. I expected this. Makes sense. I have known since before we got together that you felt this way and it was a possibility. Why would it bother me?! Yes, I am ok with this."
This time those words are whispered strongly and confidently from the shaky and not so scared places. One day that whisper will become a confident voice. There is still a brave game face, but not because I am playing defensively. This time that game face says "let's do this!"
Sometimes there are things that just do not seem to translate well or my ears will hear one thing when (awesome) Mr.Fancy Pants Dom-type will actually have said something COMPLETELY different. Fun conversations are part of our dynamic. And sometimes i feel we are playing an awkward game of MadLibs. We simply cannot seem to get away from that Sparkly Breath Play that I described previously.( https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=4966&blog_id=21888 )
Three times in the past week i have been told "You should really blog about this."
Well, Sir, i wouldn't want to disappoint, or give the impression that i am not listening 😘😀🤔😊
*looks with innocent eyes and a cheeky grin*
-When your Fancy pants Dom type says things like "I think i may be really drunk. BUT i have chocolate cake." 🎂 Chocolate cake that he 'stole' from the party, wrapped in a paper towel and put in his bag 😄 Such an example of doing things the 'right' way....hehehe. Guess its a do as I say and not as I do situation 😎
-When you are feeling down and the way to be cheered up is your Dom suddenly becoming a big plushie DUCK. 🦆 Yes, a duck. crazy, I know. At first i kinda was annoyed, like what the heck! a DUCK! you can't be serious! and that Duck was annoying af, BUT relentless with response of QUACKS and shaking it's TAIL FEATHERS! And being told you are being kissed by a duck....hahahahaha. But you know what? That duck did the trick. I cheered up and even smiled.
-When someone is extremely tired, overly even, yet they sign onto cage and respond IN THEIR SLEEP! 😴😴😴 Sleep Dom has been activated several times. It never stops being funny. Often sleep dom still has sound advice and shows up right when needed. Sleep Dom definitely still has a mind of his own, and even when there are protests of "perhaps you should turn your phone off and Rest"-the response is a firm NO. Or a "Sleep Dom activated". Why? because he cares!
-Another time when trying to cheer me up, a very funny face was made. I was like 'what was that???" Apparently it was supposed to be a strong, Clint Eastwood look (say what?!). I laughed. The response "What?! I'd totally bang him" Ok, then....not my cuppa, at all.
🙊Taye Diggs,Jason Momoa, Sean Connery, Josh Lucas...however... or my Mr.Fancy Pants Italian handsome Master Thief Dom Type 😍
-I forget the actual statement about Dicks and hearts, but HEARING something about Dicks in Tarts...mmmmm strawberry🍓🤣
-Conversations about leprechauns and their pot of gold they try to allure me away with. And how i should use the pot of gold to save for my son's college. 🌈Then i compared it to a box of Trix cereal (after having to explain what Trix even was, and the Rabbit and Slogan)
Silly Leprechaun, Sparkles is for Centi.
I hope i have painted him in an awesome light, because he simply is awesome! :) You say otherwise and you might learn why I am Sparkles the Fierce! 💪 And these are only a few moments I am sharing. You didn't acutally think I would share EVERYTHING did you? 😘
Why do i share all of this? This is how relationships are formed and forged. All the moments adding up together and making a bigger beautiful picture. Piece by piece knitted together. Laughter and smiles are a foundation of who we are and how we are making all of this work. We have our serious side and our sexy side and tense sides and everything in between. We are human beings, walking this road and experiencing life just like anyone else. We have our own shades and flavors of how we run this dynamic road, and it works for us. 😜🤗💗
Thanks for listening to tales from the Sparkly Goat 💖🐐
Ever have one of those days that things seem so big and exaggerated, that things just bother you? Those days where you just need a good cleansing cry? Not a happy delicate one. Nope, I mean the big ugly tears kind of cry! Those days that things shouldn't bother you nearly as much as they do, but here you are.
In the last week I was very open with a 'friend' about my life. VERY open and I shared honestly. She said she wasn't here to judge, and was glad I was happy.
LIAR MCLIARFACE!
I returned home from an amazing BDSM conference/weekend to find a card from said friend. As soon as I saw the envelope I knew what I was about to read..
"Just because you are happy, doesn't make it right. I cannot support your double life and destructive behaviors....you are so far from where God wants you...i'm concerned for your son if things don't change....i care for you and am always here if you want to talk (ummm...not going to trust you enough to do that again), need advice, or want someone to pray with." She also told me it would be best not to bring my son to her daughter's birthday party tomorrow.
I will be honest, this shook me. It has been a very hard week. But these two songs have been on repeat in my head all day long...
I will continue to be me. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Why? Because I am living more authentically and being true to myself. Yes there are still many areas in my life, many many family members and friends that would likely react equally as bad. So for now I will remain closed to many. Lesson learned .
Stop putting the cart before the horse! Seriously. It doesn't work that way, yet so many times it can be easy to get to work with nonsensical things that ultimately put the cart not only in front of the horse, but detach the horse and push the cart full speed ahead downhill to a startling crash! And then we look around and wonder what happened....uh duh!
I'm sure I am not the only one who has ever been the creator of my own demise like that. In fact I know I am not. Yet, it can be easy to fall into old habits that continually don't serve...anything but destruction and choas. We cause so much chaos for ourselves and in our relationships sometimes.
When your Dom tells you that he is sorry for something that bothered him and affected his mood....umm..... it wasn't about you. It was something that bothered him. Don't instantly assume "oh my gosh, is that it, are we over?" ummm...no. take a chill pill baby! He is allowed to have moods that shift, as are you. DOMS ARE HUMAN TOO!
When your Dom tells you that he needs some alone time, some space.....do you put the cart before the horse and assume poorly that it is about you? NO! You shouldn't. Truly! Communication is a beautiful thing that so easily gets clouded by our own baggage, thoughts, perceptions, misunderstandings and feelings. There is nothing negative about needing some alone time, some space. It is not necessarily a reflection of you-at all! Don't assume....don't wear that shit. It's not attractive!!! Perhaps he just needs some space to be a happier healthier person, the best version of him that he can be. And a happy healthy fancy pants Dom-type is good for all parties involved 😉 I know I need space to breathe sometimes, no matter how much i love people.
DOMS ARE HUMAN TOO!
Edited to add: Communication isn't always cookie cutter or easy. In fact, bringing two humans together can be a super frustrating and humbling, and gentle yet harsh, amazing experience. It takes work. it isn't just a momentary blink or a "I need space.." its more than that. See the comments below for a much more eloquently put description. :)
And honestly, take the D/S element out-Dom/Sub/Slave/Daddy/Master/hobo/clown/goofball-however you identify yourself.....relationships ebb and flow. we are all HUMAN! We all have moment and things that affect us, space we need to take. Leave the cart and the horse attached in the proper way, and don't try to fix something that might not need fixing. I'm not pretending by writing this that I have somehow arrived and have it all together. Ha! (some of my friends on here would tell you honestly I am an emotional whackadoodle somedays) Some days i run crazy with other emotional rabbit trails. Thats a part of being human too, but it is learning to deal with it. Also set yourself up with friends who will call you out on that stuff before you overwhelm your Dom with a trip on the Severe Insecurity Oh My Gosh express! :)
May your carts be pulled nicely and smoothly by the horse as you navigate your way through this crazy life! <3
