I've been attending trauma therapy for a year now, in many ways it was helping. I'm glad that I am going, my therapist has been good for me with my PTSD and newer revelation of codependency which was shown to me by someone very close.
I usually attend every two weeks as it is a little over two hours away, each way. But now I will be attending weekly via video call. This to was suggested by someone close. He seems to know when I need a push, so thank you. I had been thinking about looking at attending more, but just didn't get there.
I was hitting another rough patch yay me and always falling and getting caught in knee deep mud, and being jabbed with red hot poker. Something was going on inside of me that was killing me, and I mean killing me. I was having a hard time. Spiralling and wanting pain. I even thought of death as a way out. What the fuck is wrong with me? I couldn't figure it out. I just wanted pain. I clawed and fought and bit. I was dying on the inside. But I was fighting to live. I knew there was good. But fuck Me Running! I knew the root was my mother. Figured that part for codependency, but how far. I figured that out with the forced abortion and reading so many books.
This past week I was losing it. I looked at inpatient care for PTSD, or Codependency. The one's that work with that want you to also have a chemical dependency to go along with it. Why? If you have emotional issues it's a psych ward. But drink yourself away they will take you. So that was a no go. I wanted to get myself centered and learn coping skills and understand myself more in a hard structure
So the best I can do is weekly sessions and dive into the forced abortion, since I know without a doubt that is what started the destructive behavior ( it's written in my blog Forgivness). I know I am worth it. I want to know me more. So I can give to myself.
I know it's going to get rough in session. I can't hold back. All details must come out. The iceberg is right in front of me and it's mass is below the surface, and thats where I need to go. It's going to be cold and it's going to be dark and it's going to hurt, but I'm okay with that. You have to go through it to rise above it.
