The Story of Us

I know it sounds strange to be thankful for disappointments, but I've put a great deal of thought into this....

How you handle disappointment really says a great deal about your character.  If you don't get your way, do you throw yourself on the floor and have a temper tantrum (literally or figuratively) , or do you simply smile and say "I understand" (and mean it)?  I can admit to doing both, though as I've aged and my relationships have evolved, I tend to fall more into the latter.  I've mentioned in my blogs over and over how difficult a LDR can be, and this always rings true.  A missed connection, a canceled trip or even falling asleep without saying goodnight.... in a face to face relationship can be an annoyance, but in a LDR it can be devastating.  There is a constant longing for contact and affirmation, so a missed or cancelled call or god forbid, a visit, can feel like the end of the world.  

I haven't always handled disappointment in ways that make me proud.  I will unabashedly tell you that I am flawed, a work in progress.  My go-to move is to become sullen and distant... "I'm fine".  I know that my Master would prefer that I tell him that I am not, but I don't always take the honest route when it comes to feelings.   I have a high standards for the people I choose to let into my heart/inner circle, so if they behave in a way that I am disappointed in I will fly into a rage.  Again, not healthy.

I'm working on grace in the wake of disappointment.  Understanding that I can only control what I do and how I react.  If I constantly lose my mind when someone cannot follow through or fails, will they be willing to love me through when I do the same?  It conditions those in your life to sugar coat or omit things to spare themselves the drama.  I definitely do not want this to be the case for me and mine. 

So today I am thankful for disappointment, and for the patience and coping skills it has taught me.

My friends, they are ride or die. I’m fortunate to have them. When my world was slowly imploding over the last few months they took it upon themselves to shore me up. It humbled me and made me want to be a better friend. How selfless these wonderful people are and they change lives (including mine) every day. My friends are the rescuers, the advocates and those that stand in the gap for the voiceless. I’m grateful for these amazing people and proud to call them my friends. 

PS

I did kind of phone it in on this one, but id doesn't make it less true.

My wonderful Master instituted what we are calling “The Grateful Project”. Inspired by Kurt Vonnegut and this article 

So with that and the 30 days of thanks, I’ll share here. 

Day 1:  I’m grateful for them. 

My Master, the one who accepted my submission and took me as His. He is my rock, my strong center. His love is unwavering and true. He has loved me when I was unlovable and never gave up on me or us  

My boi, my newfound love. We are learning more about each other every day and it only draws us closer.  I am honored that she has chosen to be in service to me and to give me her heart. My love grows for her every day. 

These two wonderful people, they complete me  they love me  I’m grateful for the fates that brought me to them  my heart is full  

She was in the chat room when I arrived... and I clicked on her profile to see who she was (yes I actually read profiles).  The picture opened and I found a beautiful and warm smile.  One that drew me in and captivated me.  I am legendary with my awkwardness with women and I made an attempt to flirt which came across as weird, I'm sure.  We engaged in a bit of benign private chat but she didn't seem interested.  I logged out of chat for the night, shrugging my shoulders and cursing my lack of "game".  I asked a few friends if they knew her and what they knew.  Everyone just said she was very nice and seemed sweet.  I wondered if I would see or talk to her again but I couldn't stop wondering about this mystery girl.  The next day came and I logged back into chat and she did show up.  After the standard hellos I started awkwardly flirting in the room with her.  We had exchanged a few pleasantries over pm's, but it seemed solely friendly.  In frustration I sent a friend a PM... laughing at myself and telling her to come watch me flirt badly with this adorable boi.  I told her that she wasn't my traditional type I was attracted to... but that I really was attracted to her.  A few minutes passed and I got a reply..... from the adorable boi.  In my frustration and haste I had sent that message to her, rather than my friend.  I froze in horror.... fight or flight, djinni... braced myself for rejection.... but instead she laughed and teased a little.  I tried to play it cool... but I was excited that she was chatting with me and a whole lot mortified that I had sent that.

Things have been so good.  I'm at ease with her.  She makes me laugh and brings out my Dominant side, even when I'm not expecting it.  I have always considered play with other females, just that, play.  I've resisted being serious emotionally with a woman, since my experiences in dating have been utter fails.  Day by day passed and we grew closer, and sometimes it was 2 steps forward and one back.  She's been hurt, I knew that going in.  Her boundaries were clear, so clear that they were almost painful to me.  I was(am) smitten, and I made no bones about it.  I knew I was falling, she did too.  I respected that I always knew where I stood with her, even if it was just outside of where i wanted to be, I was in this.  

She started to slowly open herself to me and I accepted what she would give and hold it as precious.  I knew too soon that she completed the other half of my heart.  The part where He does not reside.  The part that loves and desires to hold feminine energy.  I was afraid to express myself, so I eluded to it, showed it, but I did not say it outright.  Constantly telling myself... Her boundaries are clear, you must be patient... but my heart kept saying... you love her, you should tell her.  So I did, and held my breath, waiting for her to push back and say she wasn't ready.  Instead she said that she was feeling the same.  I have been floating ever since.... that this wonderful person loves me back.  Not only did she say she loves me back.... but she wrote the most beautiful blog.... exposing herself to all, to share our love and devotion.  I was stunned and honored.  Her words make me feel as though I can do anything.  She fills my days with laughter, joy and sometimes frustration.  I see possibilities, a future and a whole lot of fun along the way,  She does not take away from what I have with Him.  Her approach to poly is exactly as it should be, she doesn't seek to be my own and only, but just to be mine.  

I've said over and over, long distance is hard, but I've never put spatial limitations on love.  Your soul mate(s) might not be in your back yard.  I say take the chance, talk to that person and believe in fate.

PS,

Your words were so lovely, that I am humbled and in awe of you.  So instead of showering you with platitudes of love, I share our story..... because I'm old and I'll probably forget.  ;)

A poster on another site was discussing what she called sub frenzy.... the excitement of all the newness and the thirst for more, more, more.  Her husband and her are new to the lifestyle and learning together.  He's taking things slowly, spending a lot of time researching things and she's in a rush to experience it all.  She was looking for suggestions on how to redirect those feeling of need.  Different people gave different suggestions of course, but mine was different....I suggested the gym to improve strength and stamina.  Researching and reading to learn more.  Then I suggested something that struck a cord even within myself.... yoga for flexibility, meditation and finding stillness.  And in my own mind I'm reminded how important finding stillness within oneself is so important.  I haven't been in my practice lately, my life is so chaotic and I cannot get a moment of peace.  I've let stress of moving my business and myself totally take over my life.  I don't feel any connection with my heart or mind, stress is all i have at the moment.  I haven't been in my yoga practice in awhile and it is such an important thing for me.  I keep telling myself that I just need to "get through this week" and I can get back to normal.  

Finding stillness is so important for a submissive.  To be put into a place and stay there.  To surrender your movement AND your mind.  For me if I'm actively thinking about what comes next, I cannot be still.  Yoga was a wonderful solution for this, it taught me so much in taming my "monkey mind".  I realize that I've disappointed myself and my Master, in not working to improve myself of late.  Not taking responsibility for my own mental health and well being and now I fear that I'm in such a whirlwind that I cannot find myself again.  

So excuse me while I go take my own advice and find some stillness....

Disclaimer:  This was inspired by something I read on a profile, not an experience I had  I’ve been a curvy girl all my life.... thank goodness for the BBW lovers  

Am I the only one who finds it hilarious even a fat guy says that he’s not interested in “larger ladies”?  The utter hypocrisy!  

Everyone has their thing and type, but I just can’t understand how someone who obviously doesn’t take care of their own body thinks it’s ok the judge another. Obviously physical attraction plays a big part or at least a part, and you’re attracted to who you are attracted to... but COME ON!  I just cannot get on board with a dude that calls himself “out of shape” but declines submissives that are plus size. Trust me honey... they are too good for you anyway!

/rant

Secure in my submission and how I am in our dynamic, acquiescing comes easily for me.  Until lately.....

My day to day life is pretty controlled.  I know what I need to do and do it.  My M/s dynamic is pretty simple to understand and my parameters are clearly laid out.  My Master does not micromanage, it's never been necessary.  Lately I've been on quite an insomnia bender. I don't think there is any particular factors other than stress that has caused this issue.  So as my late night Cage friends know, I'm online at crazy late hours.  It's starting to take a toll on me, though I always say that I'm fine, it's obviously not true.  Master has noticed and waited to see if I would resolve this myself, and of course I have not.  Our week together was amazing.  I slept like a baby the entire time, but once returning home, I was back to being wide awake at all hours.  

Master has given me a bedtime and restricted my afternoon naps to only an hour.  I'm complying, but I've been difficult.  It feels strange to have this part of my life under any control.  Why do I struggle so much with this?  I've been argumentative and snotty, which is not my normal behavior when I'm given a command.  When we are in the same place, I don't even hesitate to do anything he commands.  Argggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!  This is so frustrating!  

All in all, I know he's right.  I'm not processing stress correctly and it's affecting everything, including our relationship.  I told him yesterday that I knew that I should apologize for being so difficult, but I wasn't ready to do so yet.  He knows me and understands.  He knows my heart is in the right place and that I'm going to do as he says.... but my brain and my stubborn will just has to catch up.  I'll get there eventually... but I might not ever admit he's right!  LOL

I’ve been absent most of this week as I’ve been happily ensconced in the arms of the love of my life. Our 4 months apart was brutal and nearly drove me mad. The week has been about love and reconnection. As often happens with us, all preconceived plans go to hell and we take each minute as it is and enjoy just being together  

For those of you in LDR’s, you know the agony of saying goodbye. I sit here with tears running down my face after covering the front of his shirt with others. He’s strong and silent letting me cry it out. A thousand kisses later he’s walking away and I’m sitting here alone and wreaked. As always he’s murmured words of comfort and encouragement. Assuring me that this isn’t the last time and that I’m forever his girl. It’s funny almost... he’s a live in the moment guy and I need a path and plan... that all goes out the window when we say goodbye. He’s looking to the future and I’m trapped in this hellish moment of farewell. 

I wish that I could regale you with lurid tales of scenes and kink... but instead it’s about waking up in his arms, the feeling of his hands stroking my face and his smile across the table as we shared meals. The messages that he was on his way “home” to me and his happy voice booming out a greeting upon arrival. I’m at peace, he knows just what I need, what WE need and leads me down that path without apologies. 

He’s winging away in 30 minutes and I in an hour or so. Going “home” but as alway, home is where he is and I feel like I’m just going back to where I live.  My stuff is there but he carries my heart with him  

Thank you for reading.... and yes, I’ll be fine, I’m his girl, always

Fout excruciatingly long months apart ended yesterday  I’m at peace for the first time in a very long time  

8/8/18

We kind of lucked into that date. We’d planned to have our ceremony the night before but pushed it forward one day. Those number kept ringing in my head and I had to look up the significance of the number 8. The first meaning I saw was a biblical meaning and it meant renewal, reincarnation and new beginnings. Which is what that day was for us. A new beginning. I also read that it means infinite love.. there is no truer statement of how we feel about each other.  Neither time, circumstances nor distance has kept us apart.  You once said that we are “inevitable”... and I believe that. 

One year ago I knelt at your feet and pledged my entire being to you... mind, body, heart and soul. It isn’t always easy, but I have no regrets. I would do it a million times over. I am forever your djinni. This one thing in my life I never doubt or waver about. 

Thank you, Master, for choosing me. I am the happiest girl in the world. I hope for many more. I love You, always!