The Story of Us

Since i'm not looking for any kind of kinky fuckery I thought I'd throw this on a blog in hopes that as many eyes see it as possible. Definitely not a personal ad. My Master and I will be in Tampa/Brandon area the week of August 12-16.  He works during the day and I'd love to find some friends (preferably female) that might have free time during the day and could meet for lunch, mall crawling, movies, yoga class, hanging out at hotel pool, etc.  I LOVE these trips, but I get so bored while he's gone for work.  

Please feel free to message me or if you aren't a premium member and unable to, click on "love profile" and I'll message you back.  

I should have this quote tattooed on me somewhere... as most of my plans tend to go pear shaped.  The more excited I am, the more likely things will go to shit.  Master and i had a visit planned, and sadly with no fault on our part, it got cancelled.  It's just life.  The wind has been knocked out of me pretty hard and I cannot seem to catch my breath.  I know it's just a speedbump on our road to forever, but it's hard to remember that when we haven't seen each other in 3 months already.  So pardon me if i'm not my usually vivacious self.... i'm going to mope through this and hopefully will see a bright spot again in the days to come.

We hate to say it, or even believe it's possible... but it happens to the best of us.  

It's no one's fault, it's just life getting in the way of your dynamic.  Unless you are an exceptionally focused person it's easy to slip into periods where it just seems as if you are going through the motions.  Maybe it's kids, or jobs, or just the doldrums of life that will push your dynamic to the back burner.  Most relationships in BDSM or otherwise require effort on both sides.  I'd be totally jealous if someone said and could prove to me that their relationship required little to no effort, but truthfully i don't find that realistic.  

Being His is easy... it always has been.  The greatest peace and joy of my life is in being in service to this man. He is the other half to my whole.  I'd love for people to think that our relationship is perfect (as many here seem to portray), but it's not, and it helps no one to believe that it is... not us or those that read blogs for insight.  Our relationship is long distance.  We strive to see each other as often as possible, but it doesn't always happen.  Summer is busy in my career field and he's very active outside and in his own job.  So we depend on messages and phone calls to keep us connected when we can't be together.  Things that are easy to put aside and forget if you have stuff going on in your life.  So it usually starts by walking away in the middle of a chat and not telling the other person.  Or forgetting to say good night.  Innocent enough.  Then maybe you just can't find the time to stop and truly enjoy each other, play or just relax and laugh.  The love is there... but that dratted disconnect.  Maybe you ignore it at first, perhaps you are just over feeling things, but eventually it becomes obvious.  Do you address it?  Thankfully, as painful as it can become, we do.  

Firstly, we accept that we are humans and fallible; yes even Doms are fallible.  Then we break it down, what has brought us to this point.  We make plans to fix it and put those in motion.  It's a simple formula.  Generally that gets us back on track.

Without physical touchstones it's easy to let things fall to the wayside.  We both abhor micromanagement, and i operate fairly well within the parameters that are set for me.  Though, i mess up.  i'm supposed to wear my leather collar when i'm home, do i always, nope.  I can give you a dozen reasons why, but what it all boils down to is it's willful disobedience.  Pushing buttons in hopes to get a reaction.  But... the only reaction i get, is that i'm letting myself down.  You see, it probably doesn't matter to him whether or not i'm wearing my collar, but for me, it's a physical reminder to who i am and who i belong to, and by shirking that i am rejecting that comfort and peace that goes along with it... what the fuck is wrong with me? 

If your relationship is perfect, then more power to you... i wish you well.  If you work very hard at maintaining your dynamic, i applaud you, but remember it takes a very small slip to slide completely down.  If it happens, put it back together and push just a little harder.  Never be afraid to take a small step back and analyze what can be better.  Never fear open communication, this is how strong foundations are built.

I'm grateful that He is as dedicated to what we have as i am.  I'm a hot mess and a handful, but he loves me despite it all. I'm His and it's truthfully the only thing i ever wanted to be.     

I’ve been writing this blog in my head for awhile. This is about the obsession with the collar itself. The adornment. The jewelry. 

Being collared is about the commitment between 2 parties. Be it protection, training, consideration or permanent there is an agreement and commitment. Often a piece of jewelry is presented as a physical reminder of this commitment. A touchstone. Being collared is not about the jewelry!

i spent time in a couple of FB groups. You have separate the wheat from the chaff. I do enjoy some of the subjects and I definitely enjoy making new friends & chatting. I am concerned with the views about being collared. If you ask these “subs” what it means to be collared they mention the fact that they will receive a piece of jewelry to wear. Or as one woman replied “He bought me a collar. He spent $125 for it”. I asked her beyond THAT and she says that it meant that “No other Doms can have me”. I laughed and asked her if loaning her out was in her hard limits. She said she didn’t think of that.  They’ve been involved for 3 months and she does not trust him at all. I’ve had lengthy conversations with her and she just can’t or won’t trust this man that she’s pledged to serve without question. 

Another discussion is not being able to wear their collar because of work. I was shocked to see people suggest that she should leave her job and find another. Not petition for a more vanilla day collar or have permission to remove it during the work day. The commitment doesn’t change if you aren’t wearing an obvious collar or anything at all. I cannot imagine any responsible Dominant telling someone to quit a job over jewelry. 

Maybe I'm getting old or I’m just old fashioned. I no longer need to “freak out the vanillas” as my friends and I used to say as we traipsed into the convenience stores in our fetish wear on the way to the dungeon on Saturday night. Truthfully nowadays you can see more or worse in the middle of the work day in a Tuesday. I kinda like that. Collars and chokers are almost as commonplace as a fashion sense as high heels. I love my collars. I have several.  The one He clasped around my neck on our collaring night is very significant to me. It’s simple and beautiful  ... black leather with a silver D ring.  It’s built for real play and guaranteed by the wonderful folks at Barking Leather for life.  I keep it close. I sleep in it and if I’m choosing it’s the collar I pick for play. I have another play collar we had custom made and designed together and 2 pretty day collars. I choose what I wear in the appropriate situation.... He doesn’t worry about the adornment, because I carry our commitment wrapped around me always. 

I own one more. It’s the day collar choker that He gifted me during our first commitment 17 years ago. It was expensive and I wore it with pride knowing I was His. When things ended He did not ask for the return of my collars. I was angry. I threw my play collar in the trash. I was about to do the same to my sterling silver collar when my sister asked me if she could have it. I agreed, with the caveat that I would never see it again. She promised and I never did. Last year before we recommitted ourselves He asked what I had done with it. It took some time to remember, but something told me to ask my sister.  So I texted her and asked if she remembered it and what i did with it. About 5 minutes passed when a picture came through and sure enough there it was. Completely tarnished. I drove 2 hours the following day to retrieve it. Spent hours polishing it... but when I wrapped it around my neck... I didn’t feel the connection. I had a sense memory of the night he gifted it to me and how over dinner He stopped mid conversation as I was laughing to tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I was again wearing it at His request but it didn’t feel as important to me as it once did. I wore it to please Him but one day I asked if I could petition for a new day collar. We spoke at length about it and He did agree that it was time. I tell you all of this to say.... I TOTALLY get the attachment to the jewelry.... but I don’t need any adornment to prove that I am, and will always be.... His. 

Soooooooooo..... what you are saying is that i'm NOT perfect?

While this isn't a laughing matter, i've chosen to at least be a bit tongue in cheek about it for my own sanity.  My M/s dynamic is easy, the distance is difficult, but our relationship has always been easy.  We are in love, like those people you say... ugh gross, kind of love.  Y'all have read my blogs, i'm wrapped.  He is too.... trust me.  Because of the distance and His intolerance for micro managing, He gives me a little leeway in conversation & behavior. Almost always a low growled "djinni" will snap me back into the right head space.  I'm a good girl, for the most part.  One thing He will not tolerate is being poked, prodded or needled about a subject.  I on the other hand am often like a dog with a bone on a subject, it comes so naturally for me that i sometimes don't even realize that i'm doing it.  Or maybe i do and think that because i'm cute or He's distracted that i'll get away with it.  So i did it.... i pushed, poked, prodded, needled and aggravated Him into my very first punishment in 17 years.  Already "figured predominately into His calendar" for our upcoming visit.  

I don't think it's funny.... though sometimes we have to laugh at our own stupid acts.  I don't act out or brat with the intention of getting punished.  They are not fun to me, and i know they are not to Him.  Taking time out of our already short time together to address something negative is not fun.  

So... i'm not perfect (and honestly, i kinda thought i was)... and i've earned it... 

My blogs are often love letters to my Master... and this will definitely be the case for this particular one...

Our relationship is not easy.  We were not looking for this, but what we found was so deep and profound, that neither one of us could deny it.  We were apart for 15 years, surely all water under the bridge, we could be friends.  It wasn't true.... i knew early on that i would fall hard for Him.  He's my weakness... i avoided reconnecting with Him for many years because i knew i would love Him again, but i doubted it would be reciprocated.  After we ended things years ago i tried my best to continue on in the lifestyle.  I dated/courted/played with others... but while i had fun, no one was Him.  He's the other half of my soul.  I walked away from the lifestyle.  I filled my life with selfless acts.  I threw myself into animal rescue and have personally been involved in saving the lives of 1000's of animals.  I started getting active in hunger and food waste issues.  Helping those who needed help.  I hired special needs employees, women in sober living and transitional incarceration.  Anything to give, give, give.... I'm somewhat well known in most of these circles (especially animal rescue) and i'm also known for rarely saying NO.  I was empty, having given of myself so much, i was just a shell of a person. He changed that.... He refills my spirit just by loving me.  No matter how many walls i hit, just a few moments of His attention and care will recharge me.  It's such a rare quality to find in anyone, much less in your partner.

So as i've shared in other blogs and my profile, we reconnected, He reclaimed me as His... but today marks another important day to me.  Today was the day He told me that He loved me for the first time (again).  It's just 3 words, but since He chooses His words so carefully, i know He means them. Want to hear the bad thing though?  I was so shocked that i had a really shitty reaction to it.  We will leave it at that... because He knows and has forgiven me.... but i was a huge jerk.  I just couldn't believe that it was possible that He loved me again.  It still feels like a dream.... and if it is, please don't wake me up.

I’m a bit of a shit... too sassy for my own britches at times. I fancy myself a very good slave/submissive, especially for Him.... but ever aware when I don’t measure up. He says I beat myself up too much but that’s my coping mechanism. 

Our relationship is complicated. Difficult because of the distance. Frustrating because despite best efforts, one or both of us can feel unfulfilled. We have little rituals that aren’t really rituals that we do most days. One of the most important for me is when we say good night (or “tucks” me in).   I’ve had a stressful week in my professional life and overdoing it at the gym. So bedtime has come rushing in this week and before I know it I’m waking up, it’s 3am and I missed saying good night. I ALWAYS have a moment of panic. It’s no ones fault.... he has things in the evenings he has to do and I can’t stay awake because I get up so blastedly early. But what our big bad Doms need to realize is we cling to every single “I love you”, so a missed one hurts.

I had some passing feelings about a small situation. Feelings of jealousy. I sent a message while waiting for my “tuck in”. And while waiting for his return I dozed off. It probably wasn’t worded with as much tact or respect as it could have been...but another one of my failings is I’m often too brusque or blunt. At times it’s just me rushing to get the words out before I lose the nerve. It’s comes out snotty. I always apologize, but why he puts up with it, I’m not sure. 

When it feels like work and life have pulled us apart.... even beyond the damn 700 miles... I get jealous of the time and attention he has and do not want to share it. I had a moment of rage the other night as I was told by another (my gf) to “go to sleep, He was talking to her”... last night I found out what the talk was about, thus the message. I’ll share... in fact I’m happy to share.... but the switch inside me wants to rise up and do terrible things to her, not because of any intimacy between them... but because I was dismissed by her BECAUSE she was getting attention from Him that I have desperately been craving of late . I’ve been in a very submissive mindset lately.... needing to reconnect deeply with myself on that level. It makes me soft, pliable and loving. Like a kitten wrapping around His feet. 

If you’ve made it this far... I’m sorry. It probably doesn’t make  any sense to you. This is mostly for Him and a bit of a public confession, that I hope will be good for my soul. Though I’m sure my behavior will be addressed and I hope forgiven... and I can only embrace my imperfections and strive to be better. 

Him:  "You struggle not to call me " Master, " don't you?"

me:  "Yes Sir"

Him:  "djinni...
          Stop struggling
          You're Mine and always have been."

6/11/2018 He said those words over chat.  For months we had been on a journey of reconnection and rediscovery of who we were and what we meant to each other.  Neither of us expected this to happen.... too much water under the bridge... or so we thought.  Here we are, a year later, still going forward and growing.  It hasn't been simple.  I often say that it hasn't been easy, but truthfully, being His is easy, it's the distance and circumstances that are difficult.  i waited 6 months for Him to realize what we both already knew, but i would have waited an entire lifetime.....

i love you, Master and i'm proud to say that i'm yours

When I can’t sleep I write in my head and toss and turn. Sometimes I’ll doze off and others I’m forced to wake up to get the blasted words out of my head. 

Lately I feel desperate for attention. I’m distracted by the need to know that I matter to people, but if I’m truthful, mostly from Him. I’m filling my days with work, friends and gym, but my heart aches to feel like I do when I am wrapped tightly in His arms. Two months apart and staring the barrel of one more... it seems endless. I often joke about how He doesn’t volunteer how He feels about me, but He never denies it. What I mean by that, is flowery words aren’t flowing freely from His fingertips, though He always tells me that I am loved. I’ve said this pretty often, but today I realized something.... He wrote our contract. The beautiful words that bind us. The words that have made me weep as I read them in a trembling voice before he clasped the collar around my neck. His words... even though I don’t hear them every day, it doesn’t mean He doesn’t feel them as I do. He has always been very careful with His words, so I know He means if when He says something  

I’m a girl though. And I crave the romance and affection that we share when we are together. I don’t need gifts or grand gestures.... but sentiment makes my heart sing. Long distance is tough and I can become a bit of a handful the longer the separation.  I know these separations are not permanent and we have forever waiting for us. I just wish we could start that sooner than later. 

Many of my forum or blog posts are prompted by posts i see in FB groups about the Lifestyle.... i enjoy lively debates and discussions.  Truthfully, i spend a lot of time shaking my head at some of the things i read there, and occasionally i feel as though things need to be more thoroughly discussed, so i bring it here.  Not everyone here is like minded, but there the diversity is a bit more broad and the debate is respectful.

So, all that being said, let me get into our feast for this morning....

A submissive posted that her Dominant likes to tease her about the proper way to pronounce her name.  Recently, she decided to tease back and was telling the daughter of the D that perhaps they should call him by Mikey.  He took an instant dislike of this and chastised her about teaching his daughter to disrespect him.  He then said maybe he should call her by his ex's name.  Now admittedly this went too far and was a really douchey.  She apparently raised her voice, looked him in the eye and demanded that he never do that again.  They were in a public place. She was proud of taking her Dominant down a few notches.  She refused to apologize and as did he.  A few people lauded her behavior in the comments.  I just couldn't.  My reply was as follows:   I have often gotten caught up in teasing to be reprimanded for going too far. While calling you his ex's name definitely isn't ok, i'm not so sure you should be proud of asserting yourself over your dominant, especially in public. Though to each his own... definitely not something i would ever do... and if i did, i would be sorry for it, in more ways than one. Learning to temper emotions and approach things in a calm and rational manner has been a lifelong journey for me, submissive or not. I was bullied and teased most of my life, so as an adult, my reaction to anyone getting the upper hand is to fly into a rage. Not my most desirable trait. I don't do that with Him, nor would i ever. Even if He pisses me off (and it's likely almost daily), i will excuse myself before i lose my shit. He's earned my submission and my respect.... that doesn't ever change.

Have i just aged out of the Lifestyle?  Is being a disrespectful cunt ok, nowadays? 

I was trained very Old Guard.  I view things from a very "keep sweet" point of view for the most part.  This by no means makes me a doormat to anyone in my life.  I'm type A, driven, a control freak and i manage people for a living.  I hire felons from a transitional program and women in sober living.  So needless to say, i have to stay on my toes or be completely overtaken.  My submission is a safe place for me to stand down.  He has earned my trust, devotion and respect.  Even if he took something too far i would never disrespect him in public.  I'm not perfect, and i've crossed lines, but i'm never proud of it and i am always apologetic.  She seemed to think that she earned his love even further for this behavior?  What?  The only thing i would earn is a severe lecture about my behavior (and i'd honestly rather have a beating...lol).