The Story of Us

Today has been tough. It started nice enough, I slept in a little (total luxury) and I had planned to spend the day with my girlfriend. She lives about 25 miles from me and on the way my car overheated and I lost my power steering. I knew what it was because I just repaired this 3 weeks ago... my serpentine belt shredded... again. Gf came to the rescue and kept me company while waiting for AAA and drove me home. My mechanic is a great guy but busy and couldn’t make it today. I have a tremendous amount of personal stress lately, I usually cope pretty well, but when I hit max load, I’ll get snotty to M, especially. He’s been busy for the last few weeks. Work deadlines and honestly I’ve been clingy and a handful. I’m desperate for affection and attention. I’ve been a bit of a shit. I’m not doing the things that make me feel better ... the gym, yoga, meal prep. I’m mostly staring at Netflix and sleeping. M bears the brunt, but calls me out on my bs when I become obnoxious. I struggle with jealousy when he has personal responsibilities.... it’s unfair that I feel that way, because he’s so kind about my own, even when they involve my ex. I struggle with being left out of this part of his life... all in good time. 

Tonight i I wrote a post about how we, as submissives can forget how Doms are people to.,. This is it.....

I think people would all like to believe that Doms are infallible. That they don’t have emotions, bad days or screw up. Since I am training a fem submissive of my own, it’s been a harsh realization to how difficult (though for most it’s a labor of love) being a Dom can be. The crown is heavy, sisters & brothers. Being responsible for the “care and feeding” (Master’s silly phrase) of a submissive is a big responsibility. Keeping things hot and interesting requires a lot of creativity and patience. It’s a tough gig, but it pays off for the ones who embrace it. There seems to be much gimme gimme, do me do me going on... that is not what living and living in the LS is truly about. Patience is rewarded, kindness and giving Him/Her a place of solitude and rest is imperative.

D-types ... I am grateful for you. I hope many other s-types realize that we are often very greedy and demanding. I offer my Master a place of peace and I at His feet.

i truly do feel that way... but perhaps an hour later I sent Him a message that said “Well I’m going to say goodnight because I’m going to fall asleep waiting for your messages”. He’s been a little off all day and I’ve been lonely and frustrated. I’m trying not to whip myself into a frenzy of need for His attention, but not very successfully. He called me out on it and I fell apart into a flurry of tears and apologies. I failed, in the very way I just preached about. 

Tomorrow I will try to do better.,,.  I will try not to fail.  

“We found solace in nothing but the promise of being together.”

I heard this phrase as part of the wedding vows on a reality show. These words hit right to my soul. Never has a phrase been turned that captured this roller coaster nearly impossible long distance relationship that we share. 

It’s all worth it, and I wouldn’t take a single moment back. Even the long lonely months of separation are made a foggy memory when I’m finally in your arms again. The crazy stuff I’ve had to endure is nothing, once I’m knelt at your feet once more. 

Let’s wrap ourselves in the solace.... the promise is there. We were apart 15+ years, this is nothing. 

We were supposed to be together today.... but life screwed things up and our visit had to be postponed. It was cancelled a few weeks ago, so it wasn’t a surprise, but laying here alone tonight reminds me that I’m supposed to be in His arms instead  

It’s no one’s fault but I still want to curl into a ball and cry.  I’ve been a little off for the last couple of days. Needy and almost borderline desperate for attention & affection. I can’t always express that so easily to Him so I try to drag it out by asking questions that I Hope will give me answers that make me feel the “warm & fuzzies” that I desperately need right now. It’s not the most healthy of behaviors but I don’t deal well with needing anyone for anything. Being LD gives me less opportunity to lean on Him and using messenger for our primary form of contact, we lose so much subtlety and emotion. Some days I want to pull my hair out when we can’t make the emotional connection that I need. 

Demanding much, djinni?!!??

i am, for the most part, a happy and satisfied submissive  I am loved & adored, nurtured and brutalized (you get me) suitably...  but I need Him  I need to be reminded of who I am to Him and why we chose to walk this path.  When the nights are long and lonely, all I have are the memories and the anticipation of another visit in a few months  I need Him  

Ever attempt to make a connection emotionally with your SO (be it D or s type), only to have it go horribly/terribly wrong. Leaving you frustrated and a little hurt?  No?  Just me?

Some days it’s best to give it up and try again tomorrow ...

argghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

NO!  Not me, not ever! 

This was a reply to a post on another site.  The original poster (an admitted newbie) was basically asking how to deal with the fact that her dynamic with her husband/Dominant was in a slump.  She confronted him with "why aren't we living as our contract reads", basically. I read through the responses and saw this and couldn't imagine reacting that way.  Relationships have highs and lows, D/s relationships can be extra difficult as they require active participation to maintain the dynamic.... falling into a routine can be a death knell.  

A long time ago during a conversation, He mentioned something that was recommended in a seminar that he attended.  When a submissive is spinning out of control, won't back down, forgetting her place (which is common for those in a marriage or romantic relationship) to simply say "Are you ready to take the/my collar off?".  I honestly never expected that He would use that on me.... I'm "perfect" of course, and even if He did, it couldn't possibly bother me.  SMH  One night we were chatting and got on a subject and disagreed.  It unnecessarily escalated and i dug into my opinion.  I'm stubborn and not really known for my willingness to back down.  It went on for several minutes... and He DID IT... HE SAID that CRAP to me!  I flippantly replied that He didn't mean it (He did), that He wouldn't want that (but wouldn't He?).  As i spouted my bravado, my adrenaline slowed and it started to seep into my subconscious that He said those words to me and what they meant.  He was silent, after He said it, He didn't say a word.  My sass became apologies as the realization set in that this was real, and while He loved me, it was also time for me to remember my place.  I was suitably chastised and the issue dropped.  I've thought about those moments over and over since then.  It impacted my psyche, even though i knew about it, was prepared for it..... but experiencing it face to face was awful.  I tell this story, to flip the coin.  How would He feel if i had thrown my collar in His face?  i know exactly what He would do, He'd pick it up and tuck it into His pocket and turn and walk away.  It might not end things but it would take a long time before i'd earn the right to wear it again, if ever.

Passions run hot.  Emotions fly all over the place... but we must always take a moment before we react.  Even if He/She is your spouse, that does not remove your subservience to that person.  If there is an issue with your D/s dynamic, approach it as a submissive and not as a wife/lover.  There is little that cannot be repaired with a rational discussion.... but flying off the handle because you are safe as a spouse is delusional.  They can decide to end that aspect of your relationship, so be prepared to lose the thing that might have brought you together in the first place. 

Those words..... posted in a text as we were saying good night.... they shook me to the core. I read them, reread them and several more times before i finally fell asleep.  He's not one for flowery words or over the top declarations over text or when we aren’t in person, though He never fails to tell me that i am loved, and i would never doubt that.  He chooses his words carefully, so i always know that they are true.  We aren't in the honeymoon stage, we are fairly settled into our dynamic/relationship.  Long distance is tough, but we navigate it as well as we can.  Our visits are never long enough, and our goodbyes are brutal.  So when He tips His hand and says something that makes my heart race, i cherish it as if it's a jewel.

Oh how He still gives me butterflies.... We've know each other for more than 15 years, we've been together in the physical and carnal sense enough that we are comfortable with each other.  But every single time I see him, it's like the very first time.  Whether it's been years, months, weeks, days or even a few hours.... when I know I'm going to see him the butterflies return.  

Every single day i fall more in love with this Man... i am so fortunate to have a second chance at being His...

I never believed in soulmates or that we get one great love in our life, until now. Even as I hated Him, I loved Him. 15 years we journeyed separate paths.... but I resisted (as did He) making contact. I dabbled in the lifestyle but never felt such a deep connection. I felt it better to walk away, than try to force myself to serve someone when my heart wasn’t in it. I respect this lifestyle and those that live it, and I never wanted to be the one playing games. So I shoved everything deep down into a tiny box... my submission, my kink, my love for Him... I chained and locked that box and shoved it to the deepest darkest corners of my mind.... and I never thought I would look to it again..... until that fateful day when I offered myself to Him,  so casually. Just “for fun” and only my orgasms. I thought we could play, and keep it casual, light and fun... oh how I was wrong.....,

That blasted box, refused to be kept in the dark corners. Every moment we spent together caused the damn thing to chatter its lid at me. Try as i might to ignore it, that lid inched open and things came rushing out.....

my submission... how I longed to completely lay it at His feet. Would He accept it?  Over time He took more & more, until He said it was time I called Him Master once more. 

my kink... that naughty bitch. She raised her carnal head and I found myself fantasizing of things, long since last. He reveled in my need for Him and of my blatant need of Him. 

my love for Him.,. This was the one I dreaded coming to light again. I knew He did not feel the same way... but I could not stop myself from loving Him. I accepted that it would be forever unrequited, but somehow knowing I was His was enough for me... He had genuine affection for me, so what if it wasn’t love?  But the fates were in control and He did/does love me, His girl now and forever. How did I get so lucky?

The box is wide open now... my heart & life is full of the wonderful things that poured forth from it.  Many years ago, my mentor, my first and only Ma’am warned me about this box. She told me once it was open it would not be ignored or closed again. She asked me before I started in this path of the lifestyle if I was sure I wanted to open it... and I jumped to say yes!  I have no regrets,....