This is a revision of one of my previous posts. Hope you enjoy
THE TAO OF THE AUTHENTIC DOM
I recently happened upon a dating advert by a guy calling
himself a "Dom" and looking for a sub. He headlined his advert
with “20 yr old experienced Dom”. I fell about laughing. Barely
out of virginhood we have this baby boy professing to be an
experienced Dom. I know a few experienced subs who would
swallow him whole and not blink.
Out of sheer curiosity, I had to read his advert. I read it with
much mirth and tears of laughter. Once I had dried my eyes I
began to think a little more seriously about what I had read and
it dawned on me that this self-anointed “Dom” was the epitome
of everything that is wrong in the world of BDSM and as such
gets the lifestyle a bad name.
In His advert, he referred to subs as “servants” and “bitches”. His
whole demeanour and writing style reflected his obvious
disrespect and disdain for women and this kind of raucous oaf
is partly to blame for real Doms getting a bad rap.
Indeed, there are many misogynists and women hating
braggarts, bullies, and boys with mummy issues who see BDSM
and the whole D/s dynamic as a way to vent their dysfunction
out of the opposite, or sometimes, same sex. But this is not true
BDSM, it is not D/s, it is nothing more than a debilitated and
a maladjusted way of finding a release for psychological and
deeply disturbing personality defects.
True Doms are gentlemen first, naturally alpha, primal pack
leaders who have gravitas and presence, not loud brashness or
ignorant sociopathetic insensitivity.
All mature and authentic Doms I know posses finer
qualities and virtues such as respect, grace, manners,
decorum. They walk into a room and people know that they are
there. They are usually leaders in whatever they do, and their
subs are most generally confident, wholesome women who
hold their own in vanilla life.
So, I have decided to articulate my thoughts on what qualities
and characteristics make up an authentic Dom. This is most
certainly not the Gospel according to me, each Dom has his
own style, but there is a hint of a few universal moral absolutes
in my composition that cannot be denied.
I hope you enjoy this and derive value from it.
To be clear, I did not awake one fine sunny day in the month of
May and decide, “I am a Dom”. I evolved into this as I identified
with the whole D/s dynamic over many years. I have always
been alpha and successful by my own hand. I am a leader, a
creator, an entrepreneur.
My title was awarded to me by my first sub, and it was she who
led me into the BDSM lifestyle and helped me find my flavour
and style. Discovering D/s was the answer to the ache of
something missing throughout my vanilla life and relationships.
It was the oracle, the chalice and i eagerly filled it with my Dtype
character and personality.
So, here is my Lexicon Of Domhood.
1. A Dom does not demand respect from his sub, he behaves
in such a way that he is worthy of and earns first the
respect, and then the surrender of his sub.
2. A Dom does not shout and bark non-sequititious commands
and orders. His presence is such that he can seduce and
command with a look, or gaze, or wave of his hand. When a
command is spoken, it is gentle, unshakeable, firm. A Dom
does not need to raise his voice, the tone and timbre of his
spoken word carries his authority and sincerity.
3. A Dom is not a braggart, a misogynist, a narcissist. He is
possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his
demeanour, the way he walks, his gait, tone, dress sense and
all other aspects of his being.
4. A Dom understands balance. He knows that whilst a firm
hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship,
knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as
important as being strict and punishing his sub for
transgressions and missives.
5. A Dom is a gentleman first and foremost. This does not mean
that he is a shallow fancy man who only values the superficial
and ephemeral things in life. He is a man of manners, kindness, and
protocol. His ways are enshrined in a framework of fair and
consistent rules, protocols and rituals that give his sub a space
to surrender in, and be free to expand, grow and find her true
primal womanhood.
6. A Dom is a protector. He knows his sub has surrendered her
mind and body to him and he is responsible with the gift that he
has. He makes sure that his sub feels safe and protected all of
the time, and not with empty words, but true manly pack leader
type protection. He places his hand on her shoulder or waist
when in crowds so that she knows he is always there. He walks
on the side of the path next to the road to shield her from any
potentially errant car. He sleeps between her and the door and
he is prepared to fight like a wolf if required to protect her.
7. A Dom earns submission and surrender, it is not a thing to be
demanded, expected or forced. It is a prize that must be lived
up to each day.
8. A Dom values his subs surrender. He knows that fully
submitting her will and trusting her body and wellbeing to him
takes a kind of trust and confidence in him being responsible
with what is very special.
9. A Dom understands that being Dom is 10% privilege and
90% responsibility. He is accepting responsibility for her mental
and physical wellbeing. He is accepting responsibility for the
most sacred and important thing his sub has to offer and he
must prevail as a man, a gentleman, and protector at all times.
10. A Dom is consistent, stalwart and chivalrous. His set of rules
are his code and knows that he must be a true and authentic
Dom on days that he might feel unwell.
11. Being Dom is about setting standards, communication,
levels of trust and authenticity with yourself and your sub.
12. A Dom is fair but strict. His punishments should only be
used as a last resort, and he understands that nurturing instead
of beating is more proactive and healthy for his sub. If she
transgresses, her feelings of contrition for letting her Dom down
will overwhelm her, and she will learn from this alone. Beating a
sub for the Doms pleasure alone is dysfunctional and morally
reprehensible.
13. Authentic Doms have a healthy respect for others and
themselves. They have a kind and generous nature and
understand that being Dom is being a natural and effective
leader, not a psychotic dictator. Self-loathing and bolshy
arrogance have no place in a D/s relationship.
14. True Doms give their sub the space to expand and nurture their true primal nature.
A sub under the hand of a real gentleman Dom will grow into her womanhood and glow with
confidence and enhanced self esteem.
So, this is my flavour, my style and the well-being or state of my
sub is a reflection on the quality of Dom that I am.
