Good enough.

Don't mind me just having a rough couple of days.

was I just a passing thing? The promises made and the hope that you gave. I get to attached to fast and i get it. Im clingy and needy and crazy and a baby. I get it. Maybe a warning label would be best for me. "Warning gets attached fast. Is overly emotional and cries a lot."  When I see a threat of any kind trying to take what I think is mine I become defensive. Than I feel defeated. I give up on the promises and the hopes because from past experiences all I see is hurt and pain. 

I've said time and time again that I have to be someone's one and only. It's shocking how much that means to me. But when all your used to is pain and abuse, what do you expect? I didnt want things to end the way they did but thats the one thing i cannot and will not budge on. I have to be your one and only. Your only good girl. Your one and only sub. Please why can't I be?

Have you ever been so jealous of someone? Even someone you never met. That you feel as if they hold the attention of the one you want. Now this isn't for any specific situation or point in time. Just something I feel I need to get off my chest.

When you've been as hurt and well honestly damaged as I have been jealousy is a huge factor. I get jealous over the littlest of things and I'm sure most would find it rather childish. I try to talk about it and why I am jealous but when I get to that point all I see is red. Because at that point I am hurt and scared of what might happen. I am a very big what if person. What if they like the other more. What if they choose they don't want me anymore? What if they decide that whatever it is that I am jealous of is worth it more than me? Than where does that leave me? It leaves me hurt and in tears and wanting to not try again. But here I am. I'm still standing even though jealousy is a huge thing.  It hurts to be so jealous of something and it not even matter. But it's still there and more than likely will always be there. It's just who I am. And who I am is me.

For some reason I find explaining things open like this to be so much easier.  

Now I am not looking for sympathy or the standard oh but you are beautiful. I just wanted to get this off my chest today. It often helps to write things out.

Having little to no confidence can be extremely hard. You're often exhausted from fighting with yourself. You can bring yourself down with no effort at all and it can ruin your entire day. Well sadly today is one of those days for me. I woke up in a poor mood and it just continued, mind you I woke up an hour before typing this. Now as many of you know I am a mom of 2 beautiful children. Having no confidence when raising them makes you debate whether or not you are a good parent. Whether or not you are doing everything right. Now my mom often tells me how amazing of a mom I am but that doesn't always help. I can see my kids are happy so I know I am doing something right. But no confidence will do that to you.

Now as to why I have no confidence. I was bullied growing up by everyone. I was never pretty enough, always to fat, never good enough. Almost every relationship I have been in had ended due to them cheating on me bc "well look how pretty she is, Can you blame me?" It also seems like every time I make progress in building myself up someone instantly knocks me down. My own family will tell me from time to time how much pretty I would be if I would lose weight. Growing up like that will really effect you.

As I have gotten older I've learned that what others say shouldn't matter to me at all. But that doesn't help or change it right away. It still affects me and is something I wish I could change about myself. But as time goes on and I try to love myself I can see glimpses of how lovely the world would be if I just could love myself.

The questions always seem to come from deep within. Am I good enough? Was I ever good enough? These questions can rack the brain for days at a time. Than comes a time when the questions either stop or completely overtake you. There was a moment a month or two back where the questions overtook me. They tore me down and ripped me apart. I picked apart my brain to figure out what and why I wasn't good enough. The day after? It all clicked. It's not that I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't the girl they wanted me to be. It took time for me to realize they just wanted to change me. For me not to being a needy brat when I had my bad days and couldn't express myself. They didn't want me to be me. They wanted me to be someone they had before and had lost. So than the questions start of, why couldn't they just love me for me? Is she that much better than me?

Over time it was eating at me until I saw a new light. It's not that she was better and I was worse. It's just that they couldn't let go and didn't want to let go. 

So when the questions start to kick up again because, honestly my past is troubled, it takes a lot for me to remind myself that if someone truly loves/wants me it will be for who I am. Not who they think/want me to change into.

This post might not make much sense but it's just something on my mind that.

Changes keep happening. People disappearing. I love you. I hate you. I need you. I want you. You drive me insane. Will you just go away? Why can't you love me like you used to? Things constantly changing. Thoughts moving through my head, makes me hate them. Things driving me crazy. Changes happening that seem to make me crazy. But why can't you love me like you used Too? You used to think I was beautiful. Used to love seeing me smile. When did you start hating me? Is it because of these Changes? I am trying my hardest. Please just love me again... why can't I seem to love me?

Like I said just something that was on my mind.

So as I have said before I suffer from depression.  It's usually not a problem until days like today happened.  I was busy cooking something I have never cooked before and really messed it up.  Now most people would tell you it's okay and it doesn't matter.  No, not my family.  Instead I was told that it looks like total crap and I would be lucky to have anyone eat it.  Now that kinda destoried me emotionally today.  I am already having a rough day as it is but that was just the extra icing I needed.

Now to explain better I do suffer from depression.  I have suffered with it since I was in Middle school.  I have tried just about everything to handle my depression and found out it's best if I just go without medication because medication just made me numb and felt like I was just going along with the flow while not getting anything out of life.

So, how does a submissive live with a depression that can put her downfor days at a time?  I am not going to lie it can be very hard to do.  On my depresseddays trust I have built can be destoried by my mind like it never happened.  It can destory things I've built up and enjoy everyday.  Simple daily tasks that I have become to much for me to handle and causes me to completely break down.  It's hard.  Very hard.  

Now if you suffer from depression I would suggest finding someone who knows what it's like to have depression.  So on the days where you just want to lay there not moving the can understand how much it would take for you to moveout of that spot.  But you also need someone who will encourage you to move.  I am not going to lie.  Most people cannot handle being put into a situation where that could happen. Some would just walk away saying you're overreacting while others will just tell you to get over it.  Some can enable you to not move at all and will just let you do whatever.

I am lucky enough to have a Dom who encourages me when I am dealing with my depression to get up and move.  He encourages me to shower and do things I should be doing without a problem.  He understands how hard it can be for me to do something as simple as messaging him good morning.  He encourages me that it's okay as long as he knows I am okay.  If I'm not okay than he talks me to until I become okay.

Living a life with depression is hard.  But sadly you can get used to it.  Hopefully someone comes around who moves everything and makes me easier to handle for you.

Have you ever sat down and wondered if you were good enough?  Ever stopped to think am I worth all the stress and problems I am causing?  Than reality hits that no matter how hard you try you'll just never be good enough for some people.  After that someone amazing comes along and makes you realize that the way you've been treated all your life is just wrong?  That you're a better person than people want you to think?  Well that's how I spend everyday.  Now most people will say "Well those people don't deserve to be in your life if they treat you like that."  I have to agree, but what if that's the only way you feel connected to real life?

I joined the Cage so I could finally be my true self.  But it's very hard considering I have to hide who I truly am from 99% of people around me.  It often makes you wonder if they ever truly cared about you since you feel the need to hide it.  Espicially when it's your family.  Makes me wonder if I am good enough to be considered their daughter.  Am I really worth all the pain and suffering I am putting them through as I get my life back together?

But thanks to my amazing dom, Curious Dom I am starting to realize that yes I am good enough. It's taken almost 2 weeks of me having to say it 10 times a day in a mirror for me to believe it. But slowly but surely I am realizing that I am a beautiful women and I am good enough. So I just have to say if you don't think you are good enough maybe you just haven't found the right person to show you the truth yet.

So I have always been like this. But it became 100 times worse when I was dating a "Dom". Now I put dom in air quotes because I was young, naive and stupid. I thought he loved me when he would slap me across the face because I wouldn't do my hard limits. He made me feel worthless and like trash. So the terrible feelings increased. I, sadly, stayed with this "dom" for a few months. I finally ended it when he began to choke me. Now choking was always a soft limit because the idea of it scared me. He decided one day without talking it over or anything that he was going to choke me. Needless to say it is now a hard limit. He almost killed me. He used to call me things like trash and garabage. He used to spit on me in public. I was never allowed to talk to any man what so ever. Even if he was my doctor or a cashier. One time he forced his way into my OBGYN office to tell them that I was trash and tried to force them to change my medication. I am no longer aloud at that office.

So because of this "Dom" I hid my true submissive self away for a few years. I was terrified to be myself again. That's when I joined the cage trying to find myself. As I was on here I had a few bad experinces. Guys acting interested until I insisted on getting to know them first. Some acted interested until I wouldn't give them what they wanted and I would get ghosted. I was starting to think something was wrong with me. Why were all these doms acting this way?

Than I met Curious Dom. He showed me how a true dom will care for his submissive. The first week of him and I talking all we did was get to know each other. While we went over my limits we never really talked about anything sexual. He listened to everything I had to say about my past and why things where the way they were. He even got mad when I told him about my past abuse. The first night he stayed up the entire night just to make sure I was okay. He showed me what its like to have someone care, and that shook me to the core. He always listens to when I have to complain, which can be a lot sometimes. He talks me through things I never thought I would end up sharing. I had a mental breakdown last week and instead of him getting annoyed or frustrated he stayed and talked to me through thewhole thing. He also punishes me when I put myself down because he says I deserve so much better than that. He makes me feel wanted and like I actually deserve to be cared for. It was a life changing thing to realize. Now i still have moments when I doubt myself. When I feel as if I am not good enough. He'll sit there and talk me through it. He'll tell me how I am good enough, how the past stuff that's happened to me doesn't define me.