Poems and musings of a slave

So I've been in a depressive rutt lately. Over the last like 2 days, a few people who are famous in some way have had an interview or posted something that really makes me feel inspired.. Reminds me to not just lay down and let my mental health rule my life. I can do better and WILL do better.

Between this and work really picking up I'm hoping I can meet some goals that I've set like almost 2 months ago. So here I go! Look out world, here comes Liora! Busting her but to get her health under control, find happiness in myself, and hopefully get a book ready to publish!!! Just gotta remember to not be hard on myself if I slip now and then, cause mental health can be a pain in the ass🙄

Bright side, more money, sence of accomplishment, better body health, prepared to move... Let's go get it🥰 

**POSSIBLE TRIGGERS. PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION. (depression/anxiety/ect)

What do you do when you feel like those who love you don't understand what you are feeling even after trying to explain it.... Write a blog! I should be going to sleep, but I have the unfortunate "pleasure" of having mental heath issues. Worst part of that is it's been there like my whole life... You think I'd be used to friends, family, and significant others not understanding what I'm going through by now..  Apparently not. 

Being in this amazing relationship with my Master I didn't really  think I'd have to worry much about not really being understood... Oh how I underestimated my stupid ass mental heath😣 So now here I am feeling like shit with no real person who actually understands to talk to. I have some to talk to(including my Master) when it comes to general stuff... But when this depressive/anxiety/self-criticle shit happens? Yeah.    With all the shit in my head, this crap happens when I least want it to..

Both my Master and another friend tried to give suggestions for helping myself, but even when I try to point out the holes in it, they still can't understand why it might be extremely challenging to do what they suggested. And so, I'm alone in my head as I've felt for quite a long time. I've met a few people Every so often that get it a little here and there, but usually not enough to make me feel like I can talk about anything to deal with it....

Where is that friend I need that I've always tried to be for everyone else? The one that actually listens and has understanding. The one that not just gives a suggestion, but gives it with your issues in mind. The one that is actually the to talk to when you need it and not disappear after a few lines of conversation(I'm talking about texting as that can be easier when you got a busy life)... 

I've actually been trying so damn hard... Then to get blood work that's 2 months apart with not just no change, but increases😞 Feeling so defeated.. I've already been in a funk 2 weeks prior to this week cause my Master went back on the road(truck driver), had another steroud shot in my back, and my period royally kicked my ass last week. This week started a new therapy that might actually show some damn difference for once... So reeling from that cause it's intense...Then I needed to have my car fixed and then find out there's more wrong with it... And now this blood test results...

Honestly, and this like never happens, talking with my Master made my head space worse.. Feel like I'm not good enough, like what I'm feeling is just so stupid and I need to "hike up my big girl panties" and get over it, like anything I've tried so far was useless and I should have known it would be, and what is wrong with me that I can't have the same self control he has or that other people have.... 

I try to distract myself from the shit in there, but I always circle back to it no matter what I try. I try to make reachable goals and I still fall so damn short from those that it's almost like didn't even try. Worst part? I'm actually on meds that usually help me... Guess I'm in one of those episodes that dgaf what the meds say, they gonna screw me over...

What sucks is my track record for these type is it lasts for WEEKS... It can feel like forever before something actually clicks to change the direction... What I wouldn't give for a manic episode right now... I know it'll work itself out eventually, but inthe mean time this is gonna truly suck ass😣 One lucky thing for me is I won't be suicidal, thankfully.. I know some people aren't that lucky when it comes to these type of episodes... It did kinda start with like a sub drop but it's quickly evolved into something much MUCH darker...

Can't my head just leave me alone for once? I can't tell my Master that what he said made it a teeny tiny bit worse.. I hate hurting him or him having added stress cause he can't help me... So now idk what to do. I feel so helpless, so frustrated, so lonely... Lonely Ness due to your head being all sorts of messed up is the worst type to feel....I have all these fears that I'm supposed to "give" to my Master but again, don't wanna make his stress worse and asside from there I don't think he will get it either😞. I'm just hoping soon that I get out of this downward funk😞

How interesting it is to randomly listen to some new songs and one just happens to hit a cord with you and your past. For me, this was Strangers by Taemin(he's a k-pop artist I've grown to love). Just listening to it I can hear the emotion in it and feel it quite profoundly too. So, of course, I had to look up the lyrics in english.

"....It's been a while/even if we didn't even say that in our relationship/it will forever remain as a piece of memory for you and I/can't be erased forever/just pass me by.   It's so strange, you already know me more than I know myself/the only stranger in the passing people/don't want ton stay here anymore/cause you and I are strangers with memories.....  Strangers you forgot me got me, we know that now you and me/ strangers you forgot me got me, pass by/ strangers you forgot me got me, until the other one fades/ you and I are strangers with memories...." -Strangers by Taemin

I definitely have people in my past that fit the bill. It can be quite amazing to see people you knew in your past and realized they have never changed from as you knew them. On the other side of that there are those you don't know now that you knew back then. Sometimes it amazes me how bad people end up hurting each other in relationships. Like why do they do that? So stupid. Anyways, there are a few people that instantly came to mind. so now comes the part where bare a bit of my past, cause doing so can help the healing process... right?

The first that came to mine was my 3rd husband. I know, I know... WTF? But I'm so young right? Maybe, but I've lived literal lifetimes in these continuing years on earth. To continue, all that emotional hell he put me through is slowly dwindling down with every passing day. I still have a while to go before it's all just scar tissue remaining. He might see me on the street and recognize my face, but I'm just a stranger now. To think about it now, I feel like it wasn't my life that it happened to. Like it's just memories of an intense movie that feels real. Little snapshots here and there. A smell here, a place there, and then the occasional song that reminds me of a specific point of time in the relationship. He wouldn't understand the changes I've made to be who I am now, effectively making us strangers with memories.

The next one that was brought to mind was my ex-friend that was my best friend for nearly 21 years. This loss is more recent, but is no less feeling when it comes to looking at who we are and who we were. I fought so hard to keep a relationship that was just not meant to follow me into my new life. back then I needed that one person who I always felt needed me for real, unlike how so many others I felt I was just a toy or trophy to. She was a person that I knew would always be there needed something from me, and because of who I am I needed that kind of person cause all I ever want is to serve. I can now say that I can see that I have been growing as a person over the last 3 years as she just has stayed the same.. well actually that's not right. She has become even MORE needy over the last few years. I still look back at the way we were in the past with fondness, and I always will. In the end she will just be another photograph that I put away.

I honestly don't know how easy I am to forget, but I DO know that I remember everyone. It matters not if the person hurt me or if I hurt them, they are still in my mind locked away until something triggers a memory. So many really have become this "strangers with memories". Past marriages, old friends, past lovers, random hookups, enemies.... Each little pictures in my life photo album or ripples in the pond that is my life. Several times I have seen someone that I know for one reason or another and I remember those little moments, those memories with a stranger walking by me. Just like in gardening, you have to cut away the dead and over grown parts so that you can have the biggest and most beautiful blooms or fruit. So, I will continue on and willingly close the door on all those strangers with memories that just held me back from who I am meant to be.

So came across this song cause 2 guys from a group I like did a choreography performance to it. I immediately went after the song. I haven't really taken the time to listen to it, I mean really listen to it. Just decided to do so tonight for some reason. It provokes sooooo many feels for me for so many different reasons. I imagine this song has different meanings for many people. I feel kinda Bi-polar cause of how many meanings, feelings, and thoughts that are different that run through my head with this song... Ha, duh🤦‍♀️ of course Bi-polar 🙄 Gotta love it when for a moment you forget your mental issues and then get reminded that hello, there it is...

I have a painting I did years ago that I feel is a good representation of what we do to ourselves inside our heads. The following is a bit of stuff to go with it.

Anyways, I have had a ruff upbringing and life in general. When I say ruff, I don't mean drugs or living on the streets or being beaten. For me it was 95% mental/emotional ruff. I feel like an old soul with all the insights I have due to the things I've experienced myself or had helped a friend/family with. I'll never say I know it all or have been through everything bad you could think of, but I do know my perspective on life and everything with it is unusual for one my age(turning 36). 

I don't always talk too much of what I've gone through cause people either make me feel like I'm embeishing(when I'm not) cause I'm so young, or like what I went through was too insignificant to talk about, or I'm crazy for thinking/feeling the way I did through all of it.. I've been trying to work on this for years with only a little progress. So, after a little inspiration from a fellow sub, I've been trying to write stuff down.

So.... This song.... "Thought I found a way, thought I found a way out. But you'll never go away so I guess I gotta stay now. Oh I hope someday I'll make it out of there even if it takes all night or a hundred years..." That first few lines just stabs me right in my heart everytime. So many places I thought I found a way out of so many different ways and times in my life. Whether I'm talking physical or mental, they are both as potent as the other.

I've had to struggle in and out across different points of my life with trying to be free of someone or something, sometimes even both at the same time. I think one place everyone has at least one moment of their life that they have wanted an escape from is the mind. It's the one thing we all have in common, no matter the reason behind being "trapped". That feeling of walls inside crushing and you screaming so damn loud but not one single person can hear you.

This type of frustration is something I feel both subs and Doms struggle with on a daily sometimes. I say that because it's been shown or talked about how some go to professionals for a release- an escape from what's crowding their head. Even in a relationship, a Dom might need to do a scene with his sub to calm his mind so he can get that confidence or Dominace back that his sub expects or is used to him being. I know that there was a time where this happened with my Master and I.

It all started as just some time away from the kids. Next thing I know my Master is showing a vulnerability that he doesn't usually show. I felt so helpless at first. My heart broke to see him like that. So I did the only thing I could think of, crawled up next to him and held him. All the while I have tears leaking even as I fought so hard not to sob. He thanked me later, which made me happy that I could actually do something to help with a pain that he's had for so much lnger than we have known each other. I remember that once he seamed calmed I got a bit bratty which made him laugh for a moment before he was able slip back into the Dominate role that I thrive under.

For me personally, my biggest struggle has been my own worth and the ability to see myself as others do. I also fight with trying to re-coupe some of that attention I have always longed and begged for. I've had a few moments here and there when it's not a thought in my head. Yet, other times when I can escape the beating thoughts that I'm not good enough, not worth it, just plain poison to everyone and everything. Feelings like this are harder to push back when I've spent time with my sister and sometimes with my mom too. I tend to feel like whatever is going in with me just isn't really as big a thing or as important as I first thought... For struggling to feel important and not invisible to someone, it's actually very hard sometimes accepting that I now have this amazing Master that will give me that attention I crave as well as now having a way to safely deal with my inner stress. Gets harder to do when you have someone making you feel like your problems really aren't problems, like they don't matter and ultimately - like I don't matter.

In closing, I truly wish that everyone has at least one person they can talk to when things get too chaotic in their heads. Especially with all this Covid stuff going on, our mental health is so important. I hope that everyone is in a safe place and not stuck somewhere they fear because they have no where else to go to. Sad truth is there are alot of people that stay in toxic relationships just cause they either feel they have no other option or that they deserve it. Quick reminder: abuse of any kind is never okay not matter your age, sex, or orientation. Also, unfortunately, we can be abusive to ourselves. But, for that, we have to learn to stay away from that type of thinking/behavior. It's not easy. I wiSh everyone luck on their own journeys. Please be safe and good to yourself.

So I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping right now. Unfortunately, my mind hates me and won't shut down. Course, I got a few things running around at the moment...

1: Master just dropped the bomb of moving to New Mexico instead of South Carolina or Alabama  in June... To be honest I really would rather not. I mean, I guess it would only be fair to be near his side of the family for once(we've always been by mine so far). I also know the change of move depends on Masters work schedule and what's best for that and getting to see more than once every 4-8 weeks. And yet? I'm feeling very apprehensive about that suggestion....

2: Been having flashes of all the memories of this area, or well my whole life around here the last 24 hours. So quick side background to this- I've gotten into kpop like crazy the last like month and a half. A particular song by my fav artist so far kinda brought this one out. "You and I are strangers with memories..." So, yeah. I have this thought to go on a photo taking spree between now and when we move(we will be moving no matter what at the end of June). Might be interesting to see a colloge of all those memories... Also, its been bringing up specific memories with exes- last ex husband in particular. Realizing that above all else dude never knew me and wouldn't know the person I am now. Im sooooo far removed from whatever he might remember of who I was.

3: Back and forth small moments of grief over all those I've lost over my lifetime. The natural deaths, the freak accedent, and (unfortunately) the suicides. Some that hit hard as hell, some that hurt but totally manageable. Again, damn songs making me emotional😢 oh, and I almost forgot one- the loss of a child that was mine in every sence of the word except biologically.... That one still hits hard time to time, especially if I randomly catch a glimps of said child.

4: not feeling good enough for my Master. General depression. Disappointment in myself. I have this voice inside that is so damn passionate about so much and yet.... I'm not following the new workout thing; had figured it was easy enough.my self-care has been shit. I'm tired like ALL the time. I wanna do better, I know I can be better. Everytime I hype myself up to do stuff, I end up saying "tomorrow", "I'm too tired right now". I wanna write more(kinda been doing a bit of that but not on my stories I got started🤦‍♀️). I wanna complete a finished product of every figurine I have to sell(got a little side business). I mean, I got friends and family for support of course..   Just moments like right now where I feel like no one understands how I'm feeling or would care to listen to me talk about what's on my mind. I do have a counselor, but we are working on dealing with my past trama that's cause my PTSD... Also I keep missing dancing(pole, ballet, jazz, ect). Havnt had a lesson since I was 16 and havnt danced for someone since 2011. Just so frustrated.

Not quite sure what to do with all this. Add to having to deal with stupid deer hurting my car(hopefully get my car back tomorrow) and having second round of lower back steroid shots tomorrow too.. Now I just wanna hide from all of it and sleep till I get to see Taemin in consert May2(virtual)... 

Well, that's been my random crap for the day... Hope everyone is doing well.

So my Master forwarded me an email from Amazon Kindle KPD(self publishing). They emailed him cause my little poem book I self-published like 2 years ago was under his Amazon account(just made it easier as his account has everything else). So yeah....

Holy crap! Apparently I sold some books and getting paid! How much? No fucking clue🤣🤣🤣🤣 There was a stupid ass BS that happened last year that we now don't remember the original password to get into the account(of the same email go figure) that has my book on it🤦‍♀️ Damn it, that's what I keep forgetting to do🙄 Gotta call them to get that shit figured out🙄

In the mean time, I kinda thought I might get something cause a couple months ago I found out my poem book went kindle unlimited and kinda went a bit crazy spreading the word over my 2 author fan pages (got permission to do so).... There seamed to be at least maybe 3 people who sounded interested. Guess I'll see huh? Here's hoping!

Dang, now I gotta finish one of my lots of works in progress books.... Gotta get that motivation again lol.. Hopefully blogging again will help with that.

So I'm sitting here waiting to continue to work for the last time today, and it hits me right in the face. I think I'm in sub drop, which is weird cause we havnt done a scene since our anniversary in February.

Quick background: my Master is an over the road truck driver. He was home for almost 2 years to work injury and just went back on the road last year in September. He's been home off and on about 7 times since then, with most recent he left out 2 days ago.

Back to sub drop: Master was home for a week because we had the last court date to finalize him adopting my younger son. I was definitely on a high between the adoption and just having him home again. I was even on a role with a new workout program... Monday night I started feeling down. Yesterday it got worse when a deer hit my car in the morning. Last night was soooo terrible. Between yesterday and today I've felt so stupid tired(even a bit more than I have off and on since he went back to trucking in September).

Now, not only am I feeling tired but also feeling numb and most definitely longing for my Master to curl up to. The worst part of all this is I won't see him again for like 2 more months. At that point he'll be home to help us move south(omg can't wait to say bye-bye to snow!). 

So why do I feel it's sub drop vs deprssion? Honestly, because of how much I'm wishing to be cuddled and such. I've been depressed and have had a few issues with it since he went back on the road. This is definitely different. It's not really a "don't wanna do anything" like normal depression for me. It's craving that touch and reassurance that Master gives me after every scene and that need to feel so calm and protected that I get from him too.

I don't know if anyone else has experienced sub drop without a scene... But I swear, that's exactly what's going on with me right now... I don't see this ending well😞 I definitely see LOTS of phone calls to my Master in the very near future...

Sooooooo it's been like forever since I've blogged.. Yeah Ik🤦‍♀️. What is wrong with me right? Well, as the title suggests, like and time got away from me I guess.. I've had some interesting developments and some not so interesting(I guess that depends on your definition of interesting 🤨) developments... I'll get some (maybe?) later. The biggest and best I guess is my Master has officially adopted my younger son(the other one is an adult and didn't see the point lol) and at the end of June we are moving south! God I can't wait cause I am OVER this freezing and snow shit up here(new york STATE if you didn't know)! 

Anyways, so, interesting thing: I reconnected with an old friend and found out they were in the lifestyle too. Small world right? Then I meet this lovely lady and her blog which, very clearly and painfully, reminds me that I havn't done crap with mine in like forever. So, naturally, I decide I need to start writting again. Aaaaaand here I am.. But where to start? Guess random shit will have to do for now lol.

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What BDSM means to me: 

 This is a term that so many see as taboo and "weird". Bondage, Dicipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. The words that "describe" what BDSM is, but not what it can mean.

For me it means something different than most people could even believe or think it would. Being in this lifestyle, and being submissive, is freedom: freedom to be me. Freedom to allow someone else to take control over certain aspects of my life, as to eliminate stress and increase my happiness, so that I can better take care of my children and my Dominate. The freedom to explore my own sexuality with someone I trust to keep me safe and never to shame me for anything I'd want to explore. The freedom to have that certainty of communication between myself and my Dominate in such a way that I won't have to worry about him being angry at me for being honest or worry about cheating. I do have all the same rights and responsibilities that I would have in a regular relationship. This lifestyle makes me feel like a coveted princess that is loved, protected, listened to, charished, and taken care of. And yet, I still have my own personality. I'm NOT a robot. I am free to say no if I wish. I CHOOSE to be there for my Dominates desires for the home and himself. This is a life that I choose and I love it! Everyone has a dominate, submissive, or even switch capabilities. Most see it in a regular relationship and say "they wear the pants in that relationship." It's that same way with me, except it's more intense and important  to us for these bonderies. Every BDSM relationship is different: some in the bedroom, some 50/50, and some(like me) 24/7. And for me?........

I WAS BORN THIS WAY!!!!!!!!

So, the end of this month Master and I are having our collaring ceremony! I can't wait! It's everything I've always wanted. I can't hardly believe that this is actually  my life! That I have this amazing Master that is so understanding and sweet and gets me! 

The other new thing is I realized for real that I really am part little as well as part pet and full on slave. This kinda hit me because I saw that build a bear has the light fury and I totally  want it so bad! Lol, my Master says I have to earn it of course! My point is that it's amazing to truly get to be all of me with no holds barred..  My Master is truly what I needed and we were made for each other!