A Demi in Isolation

Yup, just like that. I get this one all the time. People read my profile, some have even gone so far as to "blog insult me", and tell me that how can I think I am a submissive, or even belong in this dynamic, when all I talk about, and all I portray is some "Holier than thou" attitude that seeks to challenge any man that would never grace my DM's. 

oh how there is so much wrong there. First, if you think that, you have NEVER graced my DM's. Because people who talk to me as a D to my s, know right away that I am a submissive by nature. "Is it just a facade then?" Again... wrong. Just because I have invested 10,000 hours in understanding myself (reference to becoming the literal expert in any given field) to your couple of broken hearted self reassembling's, does not mean I am a self righteous pretentious know it all. But m'eh. 

I re-read my profile often. I love it, who I am, and what I represent. It does come across as forward. I wholeheartedly agree that you may  see this same language or self assuredness on a self proclaimed Doms profile. I am okay with that. It did get me thinking why some people would even begin to consider that, because of the way I hold myself, because of who I can be when I am needed, because of my unshakeable self worth, that I am not a submissive; it got me thinking about what makes me a submissive, more so than the passionate and non-negotiable needs that I look for in my partner. 

Speaking of partners: AlphaWolfe and I are doing well. Awesome in fact! I have never felt like I could lean on someone more in the hectic times I am going through, more than I have been able to him. Almost to the point where it was originally something we talked about in length, the first three months of 2021 are very rough for me; I proposed waiting a bit, he wasn't having it. What a treasure I have been granted. He allows me to be so transparent that I often get insecure that I am being too much, too critical of us both, but as he always does, he hears every word and gives me the space I need to say it... then tells me I am being too critical of us both! haha... exactly the right thing to say. If anyone can bring about my insecurities, it is him. He makes me vulnerable, but he also makes me triumphant through it. 

Back to being a natural submissive, after that admittance that yes, I am not all confidence and bluntness, like my profile seems to dissuade. That is the entire point. Being both, the eternal balance. How strength in one place does not diminish your strength in another. I usually quote some fundamental law of physics or chemistry or math... this will be no different: It is the theory of perpetual motion. When two things, like magnets, have a positive impact on each other, it can create energy that makes them both stronger. This turns into a build on forces or perpetual motion, being the source of it's own continued momentum. Now, there are some flaws with the theory of perpetual motion (being that the fundamentals do not exist, whoops! lol) but in reality, one strength creates the momentum for the other plus some, thus giving something to build on in every exchange. This is a great example of how Mr. Wolfe and I live our dynamic, but I am being selfish right now and talking about me making ME a better person.

First Things First.

There is no claim to my submission. I am a submissive, I have spent enough of my contemplative years looking for this. Understanding that something in my life lacked synergy. That I could take on the world, and carry my significant other through the worst, but it did not complete me. This was not an 'end of an era' lack of completeness, I am a long term partner. This was not a '7 year itch' it was a working everyday to get what I was needing from a partner, husband and friend, and it never materializing, because it was something that did not exist on his end. It was easy for me, even in the vanilla world, the female usually falls into the stereotypical feminine rolls without needing to announce she is a submissive... and to that, I understand why there can be so many questions around truly being submissive, or just being in a societal norm with just enough historical trauma to make you decide to be passive. My submission has everything to do with my Dom... and that is how I knew I was truly a submissive. Even something all about me... is in essence, all about my Sir. 

The most obvious statement I can make to anyone in doubt about a strong woman being a submissive is that, Duh, you do not have dominion over me. You do not get to see my submissive nature. It is for one person. The rest, I will stand fierce against, treat you, like I treat the world, you have earned no more than that. Still, doubt and shade are instigated my way. I do not possess the characteristics of a good, subservient, dynamic minded individual. Possibly, I could agree. I am not meek, timid, or powerless. Except, I am all of these. I am everything you would find 'fitting' of an ideal pet, slave, doll; except, that we will never 'fit'. Do not get me wrong. I am thrilled when people pass over my profile and assess the risk as a time dump, because it is. But for the reason to be that I am lacking a portfolio of qualities that are intrinsic to my choices, is the highest of misconceptions. 

When the entirety of my energy exists to satisfy, to be the best version of myself for someone else, that extends out into the world. It creates knowing exactly who you are and leveraging your strengths. I would not be a different person at home, you are right. Because I never had that person to meet me at the door, take the crop out of my hand, and lend me strong arms to crumble into. Someone to say "My Turn" and allow me to be myself. A homestead will do no good without a leader, and if you won't do it, I will. Is that not submissive in itself? Always putting my wants aside to ensure that my other is taken care of, even if it means being the leader? 

I don't take insult with the people who ask these questions, even if it is none of their business, or their superficial assumptions drive their opinions. It is common to know people based on their most prevalent actions. It is not accurate, but it is not uncommon. I also won't deny that I am these characteristics I portray. I love the side of me that knows what I need and won't sugar coat it, or heaven forbid, alter it, to be seen of worth. It took a long time to master myself, and it was time well spent. These same characteristics, are what make me submissive, wouldn't you know.

This funny thing happens when you are doing something outside of your comfort zone. You always strive to return to your comfort zone. You worship the person who can return you to balance and you prize the sensation of finally being released. Many would argue that you become who you pretend to be, if you pretend long enough. To you same people I ask, can a Dom, pretend to be a Dom? Those same people who would chastise me for being a fierce presence, that I have altered my own very personality,  would also say that their counterparts can be no more a Dom than the next try hard if they are not truly dominant. So which is it, make up your mind? I agree with you. I am no more a dominant than the next pretender, and it is exhausting. I suppose that is the first thing you should know about my submission. It is exhausting when I don't get to do it. When, for whatever reason, I have to go extended amounts of time taking on the role I was not meant to play. I think you can all relate. 

Instead, though, I can embrace the temporariness, because the release of getting to be myself, is much more thrilling when you fall from a much higher place. I crave it. That is what you won't see, reading my 'assertive' profile; how instantaneously and willingly I collapse into my place. How greedily I take what I am offered, when it is offered from a place of understanding it is who I am naturally. The power of a palm, extended in relief of my burdens, exchanged for my complete surrender. It is Need incarnate and my Dom provides it. He will never see me as too assertive, too exertive, too dominant, because he knows his Needs counter balance it all. His Need to provide for my Needs and to not let any of it exist in his presence. I fall from a place, not of grace when I kneel, but from a place of knowing exactly what I do not want, where I do not belong, and being offered Eden in its stead. 

How complicated things can be that are not "worth" exploring. 

~Oracle

I will preface this by saying, if you were looking for more information on autism, it is not here. I know very little professional information about it, thought I do know that it encompasses a wide range of conditions, and more common than you think. This is just mental exploration. 

The Spectrum? Or just another variant of everyone else? 

What people think when they hear the word Autism:

"Oh, she has autism, that is why she is alone" 

What I think about when I hear the word Autism: 

"Oh, that is why I won't settle for anything less than what I need."

Now, I have never been tested to be autistic, so I will not, and have not, ever claimed to be. I personally don't want to know, even though I am quite suspicious that I am on the spectrum at least. I do not need to be titled with something that has such a negative connotation to it. I kick ass at work and projects and planning, and I suck at emotional instability or social sensitivity. I am not incapable (Which I think is why so many people shy away from autism, they think these people are incapable), my brain just doesn't compute it in the way the majority of people do; and when socializing and connecting, I fall a tad short. I have accepted this, it is no longer a condition, but something I embrace. 

I often go back and forth between: Maybe I am autistic, or maybe I am just an INTP personality. I don't much let either one define me, again, I am who I will be, not much can be done by giving it a name. I even went so far as to date someone who claimed to be on the autistic spectrum, I was very interested in how his mind worked and if I could relate, thought we could be compatible... I found out later that he seemed to just use it as a card to be played whenever he needed to get out of being accountable. So whether he was autistic, ADHD, OCD or all the things he claimed to be, I know for sure, he was just using it as manipulation, and not actually understanding his weaknesses or strengths. 

So, again, I avoided learning more about autism, because I didn't want to be what someone else had projected it to be, I did not want a deck of cards that I pull out and use whenever I feel threatened. Anxiety, stress, panic disorders, depression, trauma, childhood neglect, abuse, I have/had these a lot of times, but they are not the security blanket a lot of people make them out to be. They are weaknesses, yet they also have their strengths, that lie beyond being a defense and politically correct accusation thrown at anyone who would challenge your opinion or perspective. Not to be used to deny growth as a person while you stay locked in your house of cards, letting in only the most coddling and enabling of people. 

It is not, again, that I didn't have these, it is that they were negative, so why would I want anything attached to me that was going to hold me down? Life is hard enough without giving myself a false set of armor and validating my weaknesses. And when I only hold close to me the positives, I can tell you, it is much more liberating and empowering. 

Anywhoo, back to finding strengths. I, many times, look at emotion as a straight line. I look at everything as a straight line. Many lines, that make things very chaotic on a grand scope, but very clear when you hone in on them. Emotions are not this thing, they are all over the place, I see them like (and yes, most things I see in my mind as pictures or relatable objects and similes) a guitar chord that has just been plucked, and you can see as it vibrates, the sound waves reverberating off the main string. I could not see this before, because where I saw a line, everyone around me saw waves and curves that I did not. Everything in my head, in my life, is an equation. Hell, the world is literally created using patterns, every atom, every molecule, is an equation or a pattern. 

This has always been a problem for me. Expressing emotions is difficult, because everything in my mind is a very clear picture, or line, or equation: 2+2=4... except emotions, emotions like to be 2+2=5. So when someone is emotional and not making sense, I get frustrated. my confusion itself is confused for being emotional, because in a lot of ways, it looks the same: I cry, I yell, I get exasperated quickly, because I do not understand why you are relating things that do not belong together, trying to convince me it was my fault, when I know it wasn't, or why if it is just an equation we need to solve, anger and blame keep getting brought into it. This has always been a problem for me; which is where I have kind of been going with this long winded delve into my minds inner workings and this mental exercise. Let's face it, many of us must think there is something wrong with us plenty of times. 

I am heard now, and because of it I can also hear, or see as it were, the different chords of emotion vibrating off the straight line. I am able to understand myself better, because I can see how other people understand and live their emotions. All because me and my Sir allow each other the space to be heard. Even when we disagree or an argument comes out of nowhere (but let's be honest, it is usually me getting frustrated because the 2+2 is not equaling 4!!, and not being able to express that properly...) 

It has been a  beautiful experience. And it has started making me realize that yes, I may be on the spectrum, and really... I love the way my mind works; but I am also so in love with the way my Sirs mind works, and how it sparks in different, beautiful ways. I don't know if it is normal to come out of arguments more enamored with someone than when you went in, just because of the way you both handle yourselves... but, that is just who I am. 

What an amazing journey I am on. 

~Oracle. 

The next day, after you have danced around your living room for like 4 hours, throwing your hands around like a crazy person with lightsabers.

When your boobs just look a little perkier than they did the day before. My poor tank top!! 

There is no better motivation than that.

Keep dancing everyone! 

~Oracle 

Happy Holidays to you and yours. 

Yes I know they are winding to a close, maybe I am late in my well wishes, your endeavors have already gone the way they would with or without my blessing, maybe I am just in time. I try not to think too much about timing my meager existential purpose within the will of the universe. I just try and do what feels right. 

This season, what felt right was my room full of candles. My Christmas is celebrated with friends and family on boxing day, that is, Dec 26th. So I wait through the 24th, the 25th, traditions long past: opening pyjama's on christmas eve to sleep in while waiting for Santa, A house full of merriment and presents on Christmas day, with a hot meal and a nice drink... or two. Traditions that I am hoping one day soon I will hold dear again. These days I wait until the boxing day, when most families have celebrated with their priorities, and I am finally invited to gather in festivities. I spend the holidays alone, by choosing, you must understand. I want for nothing, crave nothing, even the wisps of longing don't hold me down like they would some people on such a people oriented day. Denny's was open, that was nice. Kind of a mini-tradition. The long of the short of it, is I am excited for the day I get to start making those traditions again. You would think, being married for 12 years, would have been enough time to start something... but with the wrong person, it is not. It is not lost on me, that I may be that wrong person, who doesn't get as enthusiastic as some homemakers, who doesn't force memories to be made; that is neither here nor there. 

What I did decide to do this year, which is my reason for sharing, is that is did hit me, that while most of the world is self absorbed in their little world of traditions, they leave you as fast as they came when the person you shared them with is gone. For that reason I wanted to start something new. Maybe something that reached beyond me and my solitude. So I did. I didn't wait for a calling, or someone to share with, I just decided too. The wine has helped me decide that there may be people out there that need to be part of it, so I am sharing. 

I have lit a candle for you. 

This may seem all encompassing, overtly grand, or just arrogant on my part, but I think it applies here. For me, I do not fill my life with many people. More so than not, no one becomes part of my world, by my choice. I am not exciting, I am not enlightening, I just am. So for me, I do not think anyone cares if I don't speak about the things I do. I am trying to change that, so I have my little haven of a blog where I write the random things. But I digress.

I have lit about 15 candles this Christmas. No tree, no tinsel, just a mantle with some candles; one day I will pay them more tribute. In 2020, this is what I could do. they each represent someone to me. I lit one for the 2 Fathers I have known that have died from COVID since Thanksgiving, I suppose they are the ones who got me started on this, they deserved to be remembered, not by their family... but by someone they had no idea existed, before, during, or after their lifetime. Theirs children knew, possibly passed along, that someone out there in the world was rooting for them, thinking about them. Someone they have never met, someone who isn't invested in their success or failures. Just someone. Someone cares. I suppose they are the two who started this for me. So I lit the candles. I lit one for a friend, who is battling oppression constantly - this carried over from a few months past, but I did not want to forget. I wanted to put that energy out into the world. For anyone who had taken Chemistry 110 - everything you put into the world has to be used somewhere, so I put that energy out there. As I said, I don't have a large group of people, so 2 people dying of this darn disease is a pretty large percentage... but I digress. Next I lit a candle for my best friend who is going through a bad divorce, she finally got that warrant for her ex, so that is some great news, and she absolutely knows I am rooting for her... but sometime words get lost and mean nothing more than the words once spoken, then gone. So I committed to the action of it.

I did not stop there. I lit many candles, space savers. I am not naïve enough to think that there are not so many people out there that could use that positive energy. The energy of creation, chemical alchemy and turning a thought into an action that makes its impact on the physical world. Though I did not know who I was lighting them for. I wanted to. I wanted others to know that there is someone out there, someone you have never met, who is rooting for you, who thinks you deserve to succeed and thinks that things should get better for you. 

I thought of many. Some who have lost mothers this year, grandmothers or children in the past. I made sure to light a candle for them, but not be entitled to assume they would need my help. Perhaps they do not need the light I have created, and thus, it can go to someone else, someone who needs it more. Either way, I lit these candles for you.

Third, I lit a candle for a good friend from high school who lost her battle with a lifetime of complications with her health. She, I suppose, is the one who got me to write this post. I did not know she would die on Dec 24th, when I lit them, but in lighting them, I had lit her one. 

So just know, I have many candles lit on my mantle today. If you need one, or think that there is no one invested that cares about you and yours, you are wrong. Please feel free to claim one of these candles for your own. They each belong to someone. If it is you, then know that you are doing you best, someone unaffiliated with you life wishes you well, and the world is not all about those you have given something to "owing" you, it is about unbias love and support. You are worth it to someone, they were worth it to someone, without having to do a thing to 'earn' it. You were enough. 

Thank you for being here with me through my raw and unfiltered ramblings of someone sipping wine by her fire place, filled with candles to keep her company. 

~Oracle 

I give this to you.

It is not an easy thing for me to do, you must know. If I seem hesitant, it is not because I do not find you of worth, quite the opposite. It is because I am more scared than I have ever been in my life. I am not in control, and that is terrifying to me. Terrifying that I want this so bad, that I have been waiting, holding out, and searching the ethers for you.

I will not hold back. This moment of turmultuousnous, of timid reserve, is just the calm before the storm. I am terrified you won't be able to handle the initial rush that hits you. I pray that you are grounded enough to stand against everything that I am. I so badly want to believe that you are everything and more you have chosen to be. Still, I will not hold back. It is not my nature, it is not what you deserve. You deserve my all, you have earned it. You have unleashed the Phoenix, and if you only stick your hand into the flame, you will realize that everything burns, not in fire, but in beauty and richness. You have unlocked a world beyond your wildest dreams. And know, that even though I soar, it is with you I will always perch, to whom I shall always return. With a fierceness much like my freedom, is my loyalty and devotion. My place of safety. The only place I belong.

It looks like a simple box I pass to you, but pandoras looked much the same, did it not? Unintimidating, yet irresistible? Do not open it unless you do truly wish to claim and own what is inside. This is the only and last warning I shall give you. I have come too far, you could walk away now and break my heart, but walk away if you must, because if you do not, you risk more than just someone else. You risk yourself. You offer up the one thing that I have been waiting for: Protection. You resolve that you have seen what is in the box, and that you cherish it above all else. That you have seen what no one else will ever lay eyes on, and that you defend it with your every fibre. When no one else sees who I really am, they see what I want them to see, you know me. You hold in your arms a person worth protecting from everyone except yourself. A jewel the world will never understand and never want to. A world that will constantly try to change you, to make you walk away. Can you embrace that challenge? Do you want to fiercely protect something that only you can see? That even the most attentive onlooker will only ever catch glimpses of? A belonging to each other so deep that most would look upon it and not even begin to understand, appearing from two different walks of life, yet having something they could only ever dream of.

It will not always be easy. But I make you the promise, that I will always be here. A commitment, that I will always stand by you, choose what is best for you over myself and work alongside you in growth. We Will descent into madness together and conquer it, as with everywhere else. I will never stop trying to be a better person, sub or anything I am needed to be for you. I will not give up on you, I am a part of you. You have breathed me in, to live in the every pulse of your beating heart.

So please, do not take this timid moment for anything other than complete submission. I already belong to you, and the fear of rejection, at this stage, is terrifying. Yet I still insist on trying, in one last attempt, to scare you away. Because you should also be terrified. In this box is where my soul and heart and mind meet. It is a power no man should have, and yet, I need you to have it. Need this more than I need breath, love, live. Because it so much more than these things. I have never given this away, I have been my own guardian out of necessity. Then you came along and have proven you can handle it, want it; Not only today, but tomorrow and beyond. Through good and bad, you will not dismiss the importance of it. That you hold more than just yourself with you now. And together we are greater than the sum of our parts. I am ready. You, and no one else that I have ever walked this earth with or ever will, will have this. It is for you and you alone.

~Oracle

Usually I wait, this could not wait I don't feel. 

I have recently been helping a completely distraught best friend of mine. She has been going through a very messy separation from a man she has been with since high school, going on 20 years. Pretty much the only relationship she has ever had, with a man who was condescendingly manipulative. This man taught me what a piece of trash looked and acted like (he was also a small little man... sorry - no offense... just had to get that totally obnoxious jab in.) Even through all of this, her mental state, which she has had for a very long time, won't let her walk away quietly. She is plagued constantly with anxiety and self worthlessness he has spent their entire relationship instilling in her. Combined with a lot of unwarranted arrogance on her part. Needless to say it is a volatile and chaotic combination that she is struggling through trying to find her way. 

I also read almost every blog, every blog that has a personal story, a lot of forum posts; I comment when I think I have something positive (even critically positive) to say. This is the same with my best friend. I have had to scold her like a child who does not know what is best for her, verbally slap her across the face to get her to take action and see reason. Harsh, but necessary. She knows me, knows this is who I am, knows that I am rational and I do not cradle people. I understand them wholly, nothing I say is superficial. She knows how much I love her. Similarly, I see many MANY people on the cage, in this community, in life in general, struggling in these times. If November was hard, Christmas and this time of year, followed by January - the most depressing month of the year (on a normal year) will be much worse. (There I go with that blunt honesty again). 

Usually, I am drowned in my own failures, my own shortcomings, my own depression (not crippling, more just a natural state I live in) that when the people around me are suffering, I feel it is alongside them. I can relate - I have been through a divorce, nasty breakups, losing jobs, moving across the country to get dumped with nothing but the shirt on my back, family issues, more family issues, being raised in poverty, living in dilapidated structures melting snow for water, drowning in debt and dealing with a work like always trying to hold my head under the water (as a female in a male dominated career). On and on I could go I suppose... The point is: I live alongside each of those people.

I always said I am blessed... Blessed by the God of Irony. I am the human embodiment of his living joke. 

I do know I have some advantages in life. I hold on to them with every fiber of my being. I have good health, I have ambition, and I have tirelessly climbed the corporate ladder. I have major successes I fought tooth and nail for. But every time I looked back, wanting to rest, I saw that boulder and chain attached to me, making sure I knew, that any relent would give it the momentum it needed to drag me right back down that mountain side. 

Where am I going with all this... This year... 2020 - I did lose my job, I did get left with nothing and no way to pay bills and pay for my schooling. However... 2020 has been a year of triumphs for me. Strangely enough... Or is it strange? It just fortifies that the God of Irony is truly smiling on me.  Where everyone else is succumbing to this terrible year, I am actually happy. Good old land of irony for yours truly. Amazingly so, I got some major wins. Everything in my old life ended, but what it left behind was miraculous. Everything I have worked for in the last 15 years of my life, it all has lined up in this one upside down of a year - promising a life changing 2021 - all I have to do is reach out and grab it. Trust me, I plan to. 

So... Where am I going with all of this!? Sorry!! I am getting there!! Usually I pass alongside people who are struggling, I offer them support, but pay them no mind, we all struggle. Today though, this month, this year... I am particularly susceptible to peoples struggles. It hurts my empathetic heart, makes me want to wallow right down there along side them, shoulder their pain. It hurts more than it did when I was living it along with them. Almost a guilt, but more it is just I feel them much stronger, because they are living something much different than my own. 

So if this is you, I have something for you. 

Last year, around this time. I watched Frozen II - I was not expecting much - sequel and all, plus Frozen wasn't like my ALL TIME FOVRITE DISNEY MOVE OF ALL TIME ... Olaf kinda annoyed me (love the actor... on Broadway) but I gave it my time. I owe it to them, I suppose. I had just finished watching The Mandalorian, which is what I bought Disney+ for, so I was just looking for things to squeeze the monthly fee from. The songs were m'eh, done poorly. But there was a song: "The Next Right Thing" by Kirsten Belle (or Anna) and the lyrics hit me hard. I cried... I mean I cry for a lot of Disney songs, usually not the first time, usually the first time I am critical and absorbing the story and what not... not really looking for an emotional blind side (I used it right that time 😉 ) Anywhoo. That song broke me. I was not expecting it, and I did not know why. I tried to analyze my way out of it (I tend to do that >.>) By the end of it, I just kept that song in my back pocket... thinking there must be a reason I needed it, not knowing why; why it impacted me so much. 

Fast forward a year. My best friend, my cage friends. Everyone is hurting (at least if that is you) I am not. My life is better than it has ever been... Gosh I tear up even thinking of that in this scenario. F-You Irony.. but also thank you.

So I think this is it. I think this is why I needed it all those months ago. For my girlfriend, for you all. I think it is my task to bring this to you, in your time of need. So if you need it: I am sorry for the hardship that you are going through. There is good advice here. Not mine. I am just the messenger, sent from something I didn't understand then, but I do now. 

Good Luck my cage Friends. This year will not define you! 

~Oracle.

I spent the last little while, a few weeks, tripping over my own feet while I accidentally fell ass over tea kettle (and not head over heals, like you are supposed to). It has been fun. I have been enjoying it, enjoying conversation and enjoying remembering that the right person makes it all worth it. I haven't been blogging, so of course that has been nibbling away at me. I like to keep up with blogs, and not post too many. The balance of reminding myself to reflect and take the time to meditate on things in an attempt to understand them from all angles. I have a few in progress, but none of them capture where I am right now. But this one does! 

Communication... Is that really it? 

This is everywhere. "Communication is key". I have adapted that, I have echoed it, I have tried not to preach it, but I likely have along with the choir. Until recently. 

I am a very transparent person. I deal with my emotions so that they can go away, so they don't prolong suffering or excitement or a whole roller coaster of things that usually just off set a relationship and make things awkward. I communicate. Still, I am not happy. This has not 'fixed' this gap inside me like it was supposed to. It actually has made me find issue with people who can't communicate. Worse yet, it has made me find issue with people who can! 

So if I have found someone I can communicate with, who can communicate back. Why is that not the perfect rendition of "communication is everything"? If that were true... I would have it, in this moment. I would be telling you about that, instead of about this... it is not turning out to be all it is cracked up to be. I am going to say something controversial. 

It was never communication that was lacking in most peoples relationships. Psychiatrist be damned! 

Hmm. I just threw a wrench in something that I have been following and trying to find for a long time. Don't get me wrong. It is great. It has been wonderful to find someone who communicates first, who can express themselves before they have gotten frustrated. It is awesome! I have so much respect for that. But here we are. The only thing it set to do was highlight that there is still a gap around this glorified puzzle piece. That it is just too small of a component for the space it was supposed to fill. Because communication was never the top of the pyramid, it was never the foundational piece that other pieces are built upon. It is so beautiful and important, but it doesn't hold up the relationship. Something was still missing. 

So allow me to substitute what I think the missing piece is, the larger piece that communication clings to, to survive. More important even that communication. 

Consideration

Almost the same. I mean... if you look at it phonetically, linguistically. But not the same. I think communication is a facet of consideration. Without consideration, your communication falls flat. It fails. Not popular opinion, but it does. Much like communication, you need to look outside your own self to understand why it is important. Take this aspect out of communication and it doesn't survive. It becomes cold, demanding, point blank and insensitive. Yet, take communication out of consideration and it is still warm, comforting, anticipating. It survives on its own. It is not the best that it can be, but it can still have positive impact. Communication cannot. That is what I had been going through when this question came to my mind.

I have been talking with someone who has gotten (and was already) great at communicating. It is so wonderful to have discussions with someone who is engaged and excited to adapt new techniques for success. He is doing it because he is considerate. His communication is adapting because he wants it to, for my benefit, for his benefit. Only... once he has those techniques down pact, the communication looses the consideration. Now I get what I need. The need to know, the routine I crave, the acknowledgment that I am a part of their life in some way. But what about when the consideration stops? When they are fully transparent about being gone for the next day or so. Amazing!... except, they did not stop to consider if I had plans for us, if I was hoping, anticipating, looking forward to their presence, what their absence would do to me; because they communicated. They did their #1 thing they had to do. So they could leave for however long they needed to. They didn't need to care how my day had been, what I had been through, if I had spent the day getting insulted by internet trolls or didn't have power to my entire neighborhood, or was alone on a holiday when nothing was open. I accepted it, what else could I do. Communicate? Communicate what? That I need consideration. That this person should care about all these things that happened to me while he needed time alone because that is his prerogative? Sure, I could have communicated that to him, been transparent. But that is not what communication is, it is not a call to action for someone to do something for you. To put themselves out, or put their agenda to the side in favor of yours; which is what would have been, had I "communicated" back. It was only that, communication. Cold and impersonal. 

So shouldn't we be developing consideration for one another first? Just seems to me consideration leads to communication, but communication just stands alone and does nobody any good on its own. 

Until my next random question.

~Oracle

Not one to usually take on challenges, but I have been listening to a lot of sultry and smoldering songs on here and all I can think of making my panties wet is a recent conversation and a song that has me smiling from ear to ear in a giddy hype of wanting to have a little fun. 

This particular conversation involved taking a blanket into a corn field and "Making Crop Circles" So, here is my song that gets me perked up in all the right places and feeling fine. 

Somethin' 'bout a truck in a farmer's field
A no trespass sign, and time to kill
Nobody's gonna get hurt, so what's the big deal
Somethin' 'bout a truck in a farmer's field

Somethin' 'bout beer, sitting on ice
After a long hard day, makes it taste just right
On that dropped tailgate, on a summer night
Somethin' 'bout beer sitting on ice

And there's somethin' 'bout a girl, in a red sun dress
With an ice cold beer pressed against her lips
In that farmer's field, will make a boy a mess
There's somethin' 'bout a girl in a red sundress

And there's somethin' 'bout a kiss, that's gonna lead to more
On that dropped tailgate, back behind the corn
The most natural thing you've ever felt before
There's somethin' 'bout a kiss that's gonna lead to more

And there's somethin' 'bout a truck in a field
And a girl in a red sundress with an ice cold beer to her lips
Begging for another kiss

And there's somethin' 'bout you and me and the birds and the bees
And Lord have mercy it's a beautiful thing
Ain't nothin' 'bout it luck, there's somethin' 'bout a truck

Somethin' 'bout a creek, around 2 a.m.
After a few of those beers, you wanna dive on in
You don't need no clothes, so just hang 'em on a limb
There's somethin' 'bout a creek around 2 a.m.

And there's somethin' 'bout a truck in a field
And a girl in a red sundress with an ice cold beer to her lips
Begging for another kiss

And there's somethin' 'bout you and me and the birds and the bees
And Lord have mercy, it's a beautiful thing

Ain't nothin' 'bout it luck, there's somethin' 'bout a truck
Ain't nothin' 'bout it luck, there's somethin' 'bout a truck

Shit, shit, shit.

I am going to fuck this up. I know I am. How could I not... Crap. 

Please, if you only read one thing today, I hope it is this. I hope you take the time.

I wanted, for so long to believe this was true. But I couldn't outright say it. Not on just a hunch, it was too important. I needed to live it. But now I have. Maybe I was just waiting for the one person who would be on my side, against the many that were not. But I give more weight to that one person, because there will always be many more people who are not a good fit for you, and far fewer who are. So that potential one, in a sea of many, will do so much more for me, that all the pain and holes in the boat to get there.

But now that I have found it, that I have lived it.  I want to share what I always believed, but could not confirm until this moment.  Here is what I have found. 

I have always been a transparent person.  That there was no point in pussy footing around things.  That if I had an issue,  I would give it time,  process it,  and address it. This had long been a problem in my relationships,  as insecure people do not want to hear about problems that could ever be considered their fault. I had been accused of manipulation,  gaslighting, cruelty, ignorance, issues with my own upbringing that led me to find these "imaginary" issues in someone else.  These accusations were painful to live through.  To remind myself that criticism is not cruel in its nature.  That it can be enacted with pure and positive intention,  but the receiving party needs to be engaged.  Still,  it always hurt to take the venom,  the actual cruelty that is spit when the person you chose has no ammo to use except the extreme. The chaotic and the insane in their defenses of the criticism that was obvious to both sides,  yet denied by one.  I needed no other proof than a refusal to grow or even contemplate change,  to know I was not in the wrong.  Still,  it always hurt,  small parts of me always wanted to believe that I was not behaving within my dynamic,  that it was not my place, and that I really was this monster I had been made out to be.  Why not,  I had known no different, and the brain can play tricks on you, both in making you believe,  but also feeding into your vehement denial.  I could not be sure of my own thoughts. 

Today,  I can be.  It needs to be shouted from the rooftops for all that may still be struggling with it,  to hear.  

**There is a difference in someone respecting you,  engaging with you,  and yes,  even loving you.**

When that person comes into your life,  you will realize. Because they will show you.  That all the positive things you thought about yourself were not wrong.  That your transparency and open mindedness are not flaws,  they are just a different way, a way that takes a healthy mindset to appreciate.  Someone to show you that conversation can be had in tense moments and frustration,  it does not need to dissolve into rage or accusation.  That criticism can be beautiful and you can grow a rare flower that all starts with the dirt in the pot. 

You are not what you have been accused to be, by the wrong person, the broken person.  Someone who barely had their own life together does not get to define yours. They will say all the words: who they are,  who you are;  but their actions,  which they will try and justify,  will speak much louder than those harsh words.  You will know,  because they just won't make sense to you. You will continue to tell yourself that they are not true.  Still, they will hurt.  But you are not those words.  When the right person comes along,  it won't even be a question anymore.  It will change everything.  To see how the right person accepts it all in stride.  They will remind you,  on the first,  second,  even third disagreement that never dissolves into attacking. When you cower,  expecting much of the same.  A small layer of that stone wall you have built,  crumbling.  Don't try and push it to all come down.  They are not going anywhere,  let it take its time.  It is just as important for you that it happen in its due course. Do not feel paranoid that you are taking too long, because at the same time, you are validating and healing him as well.  The things you cannot see.  He is working on a wall of his own.  With the understanding you have both shown each other,  you will only get closer, more comfortable. 

I hope you read. I hope you believe. 

~Oracle 

You will have to forgive these if they come across as ramblings. I am in a strange place I haven't been in before, trying to put into words something I have never felt, have never had to analyze, from a completely opposite side of the pond than where I am used to observing.