I have decided I am not getting out of bed today until it snows and someone brings me coffee.
All things considered... neither is likely to happen.
So! I suppose I know where I will be residing for the day!
Happy Weekend everyone! XoXo
~Oracle
The tell tale words of an argument.
"Don't say something you can never take back"
that is what you did. In one sentence. I knew you were nothing like you claimed to be. Not a Dom, Not a Friend, Not a Partner. Nothing.
"I am not accountable to you. You are accountable to me, not the other way around"
Though it wasn't the last time we talked, laughed, or lived in our dynamic. I knew it was the last time we were something.
To be co-dependent. It has been, harshly, vocalized in this community. I did not know what it was before I came here. That there was a word for it... but there is a word for everything I am finding. I am just bad at words. One word can have so many meanings, so many intentions... but that is another blog. One I am not prepared to write.
I felt shame. Someone said co-dependent to me and I knew that was me. How could it not be? Isn't it the job of the submissive to be dependent on her Sir. This was my initial, defense mechanism. Coupled... or you could say, 'co-ed', always trying to rely on my Dom to be that force I could lean on, that I knew could make decisions. Instead, being not independent enough, was a big, or more so final (since it was my first time hearing it towards my last ending relationship. I remained ignorantly unaware... again... another blog) attack to my relationship. So of course I thought that was me. So much so, I hissed. I tried to defend being co-dependent.
I wasn't. I know that now. I will agree that I was not the fierce, witty, excitably independent person I had been when I entered into that relationship. I was being submissive after all. The funny thing is... as soon as it was over, I went right back to that person. Then I did what I do... and wondered why. Why I couldn't be that person in the dynamic as well.
I was. That is the conclusion I have made. I was that person, waiting to be. Something I now remember, I had mentioned. Asked for. Permission to be that person. But it took work, planning, routine. All things that I have for myself when I am at my happiest. I specifically asked to be told when I was not needed, when I could stop doting, when I did not have to perch on the precipice of service. To spread my wings and take flight, knowing that I would return to my place with the faintest whistle from the one I cherished. Funny how you don't always remember these things in the moment.
That never came. It was never granted. Mostly, I know today, because it was never understood. In the end, still it was turned and used against me. But what I did get from it, is I know today I was not co-dependent. I was simply locked away. Here I am, and I am soaring.
So in fear of leaving this thought underdeveloped. Where I would have fought against the idea that co-dependency was a bad thing. I know now, that it is just another of these terms used in BDSM that can be misunderstood, or worse, used to hurt someone. Not to say it doesn't exist, and is not toxic, from what I have learned since, trying to learn more about what I thought was myself. But it is easy to think you are something you are not, especially when there is a presence that keeps telling you, you are. Do your research, and enjoy learning along the way.
Thank you for flying with me,
~Oracle.
I often try to explain what is in my head. Sometimes though, I am not the expert of my soul. Sometimes it is someone else who describes your affiliation so well, that you just need to share it. I was lucky enough to find such a perfect description of something about myself I analyze often. So much so, I needed to make it part of my story.
This is not about me specifically. It is just a powerful statement about my life as a submissive. Thank you to SeekingOne (whom I have permission from to repost) for vocalizing this in such a resounding way. Original blog linked below.
To me the alpha female is strong, confident, and can stand on her own two feet. She is in charge of her work life and sometimes even her home life. She has to make all the choices/decisions so when it comes to relinquishing sexual control behind closed doors she needs a Dominant male. Someone that can see her strength and not be afraid if it but rather embrace it. He knows she can choose to submit to anyone but she chose him because she feels his strength. More importantly she submits because she respects him and trusts him. The alpha female knows he can guide them together without her feeling “less”. Her choices at work are out of necessity and her need to thrive and provide for herself and/or her family. It’s her way of protecting them. When she submits behind closed doors she is feeling safe because she knows the Dominant male she chose will protect her. It’s her turn now to feel safe, loved and let someone else take the reins without giving up her independence or self-worth. Her value is not diminished by submitting but instead increased in the relationship. She gives the gift no one else gives him and that’s a bond no one else shares but the two of them.
Trust, respect, feeling protected and loved. These are all the things an alpha female desires in order to submit. Unfortunately some confuse this with being a brat and don’t understand it’s just her strength and independence shining through. She is too strong for a weak man who thinks she is a brat.
I smile knowing my girl is a strong, independent and fierce woman .......and she is all mine!!
For those that feel being an alpha submissive is being a brat......I’m laughing in your faces 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
(EVEN INCLUDED THE LAUGHING FACES!! BECAUSE THEY ARE SO TRUE!)
Link to original blog by "SeekingOne" Thank you for the simple, yet powerful, definition of this submissive style.
https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=44204&blog_id=8268
Is that not what we have been taught? If we believe in something, believe we are right. To fight. In the face of oppression, for dependence, self worth and equality: Fight.
So why wouldn't we take the same stance when fighting our internal battles?
That is what is on my mind today.
Where did this self indignation come from? How was this bred into us when we have seen over and over through history that we are most valuable helping others. That we progress and learn and thrive through uplifting, nurturing.
This is how I have come to see my personal demons. If you knew me, you might even be able to hear my voice when I say "Me and my demons, we hold hands. We walk together, and every once in a while, we have tea."
It wasn't always like that.
I fought. I pushed back, and I screamed! All in attempts to get the to leave. The embodiment of everything evil, both inside me, and what I had been subjected to in life. I hated them. They hated me. I laid broken and defeated in their wake. Ready to give up, give in. But I noticed something in those times of almost cutting the thread. It was silent... Where were they? So close to the edge, where were they to prompt me? To give me that breath of a push, tumbling me over the edge of finality. Why the eerie silence? When it would be so easy. I dared them to strike. Instead, they hushed. Waiting with baited breath for the decision I held in my hands. One that would affect us all. Waiting I wondered, to see if I could save us both? That is when I realized. In the darkness. They were a part of me, beaten back and abused. Turning them into what they have become. Staring with beady little eyes, peering from the shadowed forms they had become, the only form I had ever allowed them. Staring from the dark corners I had confined them to.
I embraced them, then. I gave them the floor to speak to me. Just to see what they had to say. And for a while, yes, the screamed back and fought me. Just as I had done to them for so long. But like even the most defiant of children, they tuckered themselves out. Then, I could listen.
Now, I listen often. They still speak to me always, almost daily. Telling me I should fear this, remember that, or join them in a slow descent into futility. I let them run their course. Some days I do join them in sorrow, self pity and hopelessness. But now I know, I can treat them as part of me. They won't drown me, they need me, and I am happy to have them. They make me smile, laugh and yes, cry.
Much like so many things in life. I thought that fighting tooth and nail because I didn't agree was the only way to get what I wanted. And like most things in life, I was taught a lesson. Some aren't so lucky. Some drown trying to fight the tide, fall victim to their inner demons or life struggles trying so hard to deny the lessons life is trying to show them. Never willing to just sit and have tea. I hope that this can help just one person who is struggling, because it gets better and adapting and embracing is terrifying, but fighting and resisting what you have been through, or where you are, is not the way.
Thank you for being here XoXo
~ Oracle
I have so many questions today. They rattle in my head. They do not stress me out. I love unanswered questions. But this one? I have no idea where to start.
Chemistry at first sight
Should we only enter into a relationship that has chemistry? Wait for that zing of a feeling to take us over before we decide that someone is deserving of our intimate time or not? I have trouble with this, actually, I have trouble with it. Chemistry, that is.
My mind likes to learn. It is great! It is a curse. I am constantly evaluating and over analyzing historical data, to break the cycle, prevent patterns that were not productive, or worse, toxic. Many people in my eyes, have very basic fundamental characteristics, and their actions branch off in an endless amount of directions from those roots. Inevitably, those characteristics can't be hidden once you are looking for them, and I find they are not for me. Though starting at the top of the tree and seeing each beautiful leaf is an amazing experience for awhile, it takes much longer when you are enjoying the sights and smells, to get to the fundamental characteristics.
That is when I think of chemistry. What is it? Is it reliable? My brain will tell me that those I had started out in chemistry with, whose company I enjoyed, did not work well for me in the end. I remind my brain, that the ones who hurt us most are the ones we loved and were vulnerable with, who we could not be compatible with. Who did not offer balance. But it, ignorantly refutes with "yes. Chemistry".
Is Chemistry the same as Instinct? Instinct is something my brain can understand. Mostly because it is excellent at "See. I told ya so" once something is over and it was because of the red flags. The glimpses at fundamental characteristics.. Is your bodys chemical reaction the same as your brains rational reaction? I wonder this today because I feel withdrawn. I feel Apathy when meeting people. I still have my great friends whom I laugh and smile with. But I feel like I am not giving people a chance these days. Do I even need to give people a "chance"?
I suppose I worry that my brain wants something. And for once, it seems like my emotions are in line, not throwing endorphins into every new meeting... not throwing in anything at all actually. So when my brain says "red flag and Instinct" there is no input from the emotional side.
I guess my question is, can Chemistry come back? Will it come back, if I need it to? And will it lead me back into troubled waters? Or should I be happy that Instinct is leading the way, these days?
As always. Thank you for your input.
XoXo ~ Oracle.
I got a notice today. That someone I had reported has been removed. I am rather impressed with the team for their handling.
I reported someone, not for how they treated me, but for what I feared they would do to someone else. It is called scamming 101. It is called projecting and finally it is just plain old called manipulating someone with guilt and suggestion into doing exactly what you want them to do.
It started with a personal ad. It raised three completely appropriate questions to me. I sent a lengthy request for more insight, their views and some elaboration. I think one was "what do you think you would appreciate more?" The response I got was a dismissing "Send me your phone number and we can talk more about it" that is it, after 3 paragraphs of me being intrigued. That was my first red flag. Though, looking back, there were many in this personal ad. "I have a big house and a hot tub" and "Don't be a loser along with the rest of these losers" was another. I will be clear, I didn't message him because I was interested in his offer, it was because I had questions.
It was written very well, I will tell you that. Which is why I stopped what I was doing. But from that very first response, I knew there was a problem. So i responded with "I will not be doing that. Good luck in your search" to the nothing but a request for personal information. The reply I got back was AMAZING. Instantly he flipped. Started calling me a scammer... me, with over a year, blogs, forum posts, chat room activity. That was the first flag that he was projecting, and showing his true face. How do you insult someone? Well you insult them with the very thing you are trying to do to them. Scam, manipulate. Show of hands how many people have ever been accused of being a manipulator by a manipulator?! If you have ever dated a narcissist, you will know EXACTLY what I mean, but it happens in most arguments. That is just a little tip.
So anyways! Someone calls you a scammer and you know for a fact there is no way they can think that... you can be sure they are showing themselves. But that is not where it stopped. I explained this to him, how could I be, I have presence. He, has insecurity, that is now shinning through, with very little work on my end, honestly. Projection, and manipulation now with trying to bully me into giving him my personal info (which he asks for again... because if I was REAL I would have no problem proving that... also a manipulation technique). I conclude by telling g him to leave our newer, possibly naive or trusting members alone and go back to fet life... well that was the EXACT right thing to say.
The next message I got was what I reported. It was a slew of aggression, demoralization, calling me either a "500lb dude or ugly fat chick who couldn't find someone" again... my presence is nothing close to that, but he doesn't hurt me when he says those things, he is merely doing what he knows has worked in the past, trying to triggering more responses, a slip up, a give in of something. There was more, but it.doesnt belong here.
I am very pleased to say that the team here saw these same things and took action. I am not sorry for reporting them. I know it is kind of a taboo around here as anyone who has ever been reported objectivley will tell you, some people have itchy trigger fingers when it comes to reporting everything and anything that upsets their sensibilities. For this one though, I am not embarrassed that I helped remove this predator (and not the good ones I WANT to slide into my DM's ;)
It took so little time to trigger his defenses... but it took assertion.. not submission. And that is why I worried, because we are here to get what we need, and submission is a huge part of that, sometimes we give the benefit of the doubt or try and see through the "brooding" to find the stone to polish... but be careful my cage friends, and all the newer people. It was a good personal ad. He came off very in control... and in 2 sentences, I found out who he really was.
Love you all! And the team of admins who put this together so quickly and recognized the dangerous flags.
Some thoughts that have been running through my head as of recently. Self discovery is very fulfilling.
Foreword: I am not living these things right now and I am not in a bad place upon reflection. Reflection is something I do unemotionally, as I try and look at things outside my own experiences. Though I use 'I' a lot, I hope some people relate to these writings. With that said:
Asking for Time to be Myself
Is it wrong? Is it so selfish of me to ask for time to be myself? To nurture, regress, do all the things that scatter on the floor in my mind. All the little pieces that never get picked up and put away. That litter the spaces, never getting attention, because they just don't fit us and everything I want to be for us.
Is it an Insult? For me to want to be wild and free, and want that part for myself? It is not yours, it is mine, and sometimes I don't want the pressure of showing it to you. Of completely opening up, being that level of vulnerable is not easy... and to be honest... it dampens the joy I get from it. Letting loose doesn't have the same freedom to it... when you are letting someone analyze it. Does it make it wrong that I don't always want you there? I don't think so.
Is it Simple of me? To think that I don't have to find someone that weaves so intricately with my very fabric, that I have spent my whole life dying different colors, that we will be soul mates on every level and I will just want to give him everything?... Maybe... but the realist in me doubts it. I don't hold out for every light to turn on, every color to match. Because I celebrate the beauty in difference.
So how do I ask for time? How do I request what I want. When do I insist that I need it? What do I do when confronted with concerns that I am not being my true self, all the time? Maybe you just don't understand that life is both and all. I get it. When you are with someone... you want to be everything for them. Still...
Asking for my time, should never be a reflection on our time.
Am I broken, to internally flinch when I am told I am beautiful?
I know I am. Honestly, there are many who are. I do not think I am being a narcissist to think that I am a fairly attractive person. Or that I have enough self worth that I love myself, my mind, my weight, curves and all. I have worked hard on my appearance, been vigilant, and let's face it... gotten pretty lucky with the lottery of my parents meeting each other... Even though, I have 2 sisters, and again... I think I got pretty lucky. >.<
So is it, what's the word, shrill maybe? Of me to cringe internally when someone tells me how beautiful I am. How my eyes are like a window to my soul and so needy, while my smile lights up their world in its genuineness?
Because I do... I always have. Not for lack of confidence, but I want to be the book smart person who gets by on their attitude, not their attributes. Who is seen as smart, with a valid opinion and a keen head on her shoulders... not just a beautiful mane of shiny blonde hair.
Do I get my hair done? Yes. Do I wear makeup, yes. Do I strive to be the best first impression I can be, with my looks on point, yes... so why do I shy away, or think someone superficial, when the first thing, and sometimes the only thing, they notice about me is my looks... even the most innocent "you are beautiful" from a friend... makes me want to hide away. Feels so superficial, like you have no real compliment to give me.
How can I love myself in the mirror, in my mind... yet, whenever I go outside, into the real world, all I can think is how ugly I am or how shallow it is in this pool?
What does that mean?
Low Hanging Fruit
The man will pick the low hanging fruit. All the while yearning for the apple that sparkles at the top of the tree, so much harder to get. He will work towards it, but in the meantime, he will convince himself he needs to eat, and fill his lusts with the easy meal.
All the while the apple starves at the top, not willing to lower herself to the same standards. At least she will be pretty and skinny in her famine?
And when the man finally gets there, all his indiscretions, everything he claims he had to do to survive, must all be forgotten in celebration of his triumph of finally having gotten to the top. To where he will tell you he always wanted to be... but he did what he had to, he will say. And you will smile, and you will give him your everything... but in your core, you will never forget watching him having gorged himself on what was easy, available and hurtful to watch. But it wont matter will it? You will give him your all anyways. You kept yourself there, you kept yourself strong, so maybe it is you who was wrong in being so much effort in the first place.
Not sure what this means, or to which analogy you relate, or to what meanings you take from it, as I see many lessons within. All I know is my heart had to say it. Before it would let me sleep.