A Demi in Isolation

Out of every thing in your life, I am the easiest to throw away. 

Good Morning everyone! 

Happy Lazy Subday! .. I mean, Sunday <3 

I dont usually make a habit of blogging so many times in a week, but it has been an amusing weekend of thoughts and happenstance. 

Here is a response I sent first thing this morning to a very robotic message I received sometime in the night. I hope you enjoy. I obviously won't be posting the senders part, but you can imagine how it went. I am sure you have all seen it. Happy Coffee! 

*Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. No thank you. I wont be texting you. Good luck in your search, I hope you find what you are looking for. But I am not a sub for hire. I have a personality. Not an owners manual. I thought you did too based on your profile, but that email was just a laundry list of your try hards.

What do you do when you first wake up in the morning? Do you think of coffee and smile? Or do you frown under the weight of the day. These are things I care about. Any man can fuck me in the morning on a Sunday because he thinks he is entitled to it without having earned it.* 

Enjoy the day, here is hoping your Sunday is lazier and cuddlier than that.! <3 

I lay in bed this morning. Slowly opening my eyes, coming to terms with the day to come, but emphatically resisting in my still dozy eyed way. That is when I feel it.

Your phantom hands on my hips, rolling them into the mattress. Your unmistakable presence behind me, positioned over top of me. I breath a soft, whispy cry, face down into the pillow. My hands curl into the sheets. There is no resisting now, the anticipation mixing with my still intoxicated sleep scape.

My pleas are not meant for you, it would do no good to beg. We both know you will take what you want, and my moans of urgency may only shift the mood. I dare not even look at you. I will risk nothing to change this moment. So instead I grip the sheets tighter and allow my hips to be manipulated to your whims. Even just the ghost of your touch, exhilerating.

Instead, my soft whimpers are a reflection of your desires. You brought me here, with your encouragement, your direction to be more vocal, to be more free. Your work is rewarded in the soft gasps and wonton pulse of my hips. The reward of how your have come to be the keeper of my trust. A small gift I can give, before the greater gift to come.

There is no need to say, we both know this is yours to take. We have talked about it often, one of my favorite atmospheres to be rendered helpless in. The thought of your consideration sends me deeper into sub space, to that obedience and the desire that comes with it.

No other preparation is needed. I am ready to receive you, without so much as the slightest touch, you have commanded my body. I am not embarrassed of how needy you make me. The thought has my exposed clit pulsing, a breath away from the bed sheets, I can almost feel the stimulation, I take my chances and rock closer to the origin of the friction.

Your hand in my hair says otherwise. That I am not to get too ahead of the moment. And when my head is forced into the pillow, my hips rise higher in response. Another hand to the small of my back, bracing your weight while holding me to the bed.

I know it wont be long now. A flash of carnal pleasures, that ends in being brought close to your chest, where we fall back asleep for 10 more minutes. Before we move on to my next favorite thing. Coffee.

I love the weekends.

I was feeling so in the mood today, that I almost changed my cage profile. Maybe it was boredom, maybe this old soul is just getting tired before her years. I very much wanted to change my whole profile, or delete it.

A little preface, I am actually in a really good place. Not lacking for anything, even a relationship as I work on me and my very busy life. I pretty much have no time to commit to dating. It is when I feel like this, that these strong willed moments come up, when I predict and analyze what happened and could happen the next time I am ready to start looking again. This round, it made me shudder, that there is something missing in the meeting people realm. That it may not even be worth it, which is a lot coming from someone who craves touch and needs that piece of mind that only a Dom can give her. 

I thought to change my profile, but given time, I thought better of it. I like my profile and I want to stay that carefree, always happy and kind person. Though it is still a relevant topic, I chose that it belongs here, so I don't forget my process and how empowered I feel at this point in my life, even if it is at the expense of the potential great people I have yet to meet. To them, I apologize. To the rest, this one is for you ;) 

Happier Posts again next week! lol! Have a great Wednesday. 

So Today's Profile is: 

I have gotten tired of talking about myself. Pouring my heart out to people, only to find out, after putting in the time, that they never did or could do what they said they wanted. It is exhausting. 

I don't mind talking to you, but I am not looking for a Dom right now, mostly because of these people who have no self reflection. 

I am different, so if you are not different, or are not looking for different, do not approach me please. I have talked to and met enough people who want a deeper relationship, but their attitude will NEVER elevate them to having that relationship. This is important: If you treat me like you have treated others in the past, you will not like the outcome. 

I am not broken, or hurting. It is unfortunate that there are so many here who have been broken or hurt. That is not me. I have never let someone tear me down or tell me I was less worthy, they have tried... Yet still, I have been the deepest of submissives, the most freeing of lovers and the most vulnerable of partners. 

If you are broken, into broken, or used to treating women a certain way because of the type you have dated, please move along. 

I may seem harsh, but I am one of the kindest people you will meet, genuine and I have internal happiness. It is intimidating. Yes, as a Dom, you just scoffed. But I will unwillingly challenge how you see yourself, if you can give me what I need. Without a word, I will stand tall and you will have to stand with me, even when I am kneeling. It is too much for most. If you are not different, think different, act different, then I am not the one for you. 

I will give everything to your lead. If you don't know what you want, or how to communicate the value added things, or that being in charge is a presence, not just having control, please move along. 

I will evaluate your communication, that is how trust is built. No, it is not how many words you can say per minute, or how 'well' you can argue, it is if you speak what is on your mind, make decisions when you need to, and ask my opinion when you want to. It is the little things, like leaving the room to make a phone call and letting me know, because you were aware that it would affect me if you disappeared for 30 minutes. Telling me when you think of something that includes me. Develop ideas, be forthcoming with information that is relevant and not reactive. I have been with extroverts who can't go a literal minute without speaking, yet they can't tell me what their plans are for the evening, or the weekend, or talk about our next scene, without it being like pulling teeth. Substance. 

Ask yourself, before you think that I might be "just what you are looking for": 

   - Do you speak to hear your own voice, to fill the silence? Or can you speak with substance? 

   - Do you communicate outside of an argument? Or are your "words" only used to defend your insecurities, your pride, to be "in control" without actual control? 

   - Do you plan out your day, your year, your life? 

   - Are you Emotional? I am not. Yes, I will cry if I am being screamed at, or if I have done something wrong. But I will not make it your problem. Maybe consider if you do the same. Or maybe when you get emotional, you get insecure and need validation on your feelings? If you can't ask for that, you will not get it. If you are upset, or I have upset you and you cannot tell me how to fix it, I will not fix it. I will save you time, stop testing me on it, just don't message me.

Please do not tell me how smart I am. How you love how my brain works, just to call that same brain stupid and "retarded" in an argument in an attempt to shame my intelligence. It will not go well for you. 

If you have EVER brought up someone's past, that they have disclosed to you in confidence and vulnerability and trust, in an argument, just to hurt them, move along. You argue immaturely and I don't have time for that. 

Will you give me choice? I am happy to say I have never chosen to not submit. It is who I am. But when your communication is lacking and you won't even give me the options. That is a you problem. I won't guess in our relationship, and I won't feel bad for having guessed wrong. 

If you don't know when you are going to set up our next scene, date, outing, what you might want me to wear, and communicate that to me, then please move along. If you are perpetually stuck in your head of "what might she want and I don't want to say the wrong thing" without actually vocalizing it, then you will guess wrong, and please move along. If you don't want to take action for us both, or can't outline a simple plan, then maybe you should be the submissive. I am not asking for you to decide what *I* do at every moment.... I *NEED* to know what *YOU* have planned, so I can work around it, be prepared for it, do my own thing otherwise. Not perpetually expect to be needed at a moments notice and get nothing else accomplished while I wait for you to decide, or not. Because if I just up and do my own thing, your poor sensibilities get offended. It is just poor communication, and I won't guess every aspect of something you wont tell me. I am not sure when or why society had made relationships just a series of guessing what the other person wants because they wont say, but you need to shelf those vanilla habits. I guess all day to be part of society, I won't do it at home. 

Thank you for listening. I hope this saves you some time. I look forward to talking to you about everything else, if you think you want a D/s relationship, and not just the juggling of someone elses insecurities. 

XoXo - Oracle Pollon. 

Teehe. I don't usually just post the one word or link blog... But I feel this so hard right now. A little sassy, a little fed up. C'est la vie. 

Sometimes I feel like a Doll, Sometimes I feel like a pussycat. Today, I feel a little bit of both! 

Sorry I have been gone for a few weeks! <3 <3 

Thus is going to be a little rant-ier than other posts. I like to keep my blogs... enlightening? Or with a question to myself, to you. Not today. 

This is not my current life. Just something I was reflecting on... for Funzies. Thanks Brain. 

I have been accused. Actually accused, of having no middle ground. I will be the first to "warn" you, since it seems like it is a warning, that I am all in. You can try and pick when and where. Disclosure, it won't work. That is the *warning* I suppose. If I am given a task, if I am doing a routine, if I am in a scene. I give my all.

I am not thinking about laundry with a hand around my neck up against the wall... but I am also not thinking of a hand around my throat while I am doing laundry... I am thinking about detergent, fill level, what I will do for the next 180 minutes while it finishes and making a mental note not to forget about the wet clothes...

So I am sorry that I didn't purr and moan when you pushed me over the dryer and made a seductive comment. I just wasn't there, waiting for you. You gave me a command, and like I always do, I was doing my very best at it.

Does that mean I dont want you to shove that cock into me while I am sprawled awaiting your present? Of course I do... so bad... but what it means, is maybe I need that hand around my throat, or that shift in gears, or that roughly groaned command to get me all into that focus. If you can't give me that... then maybe you should just get in, get out and let me finish measuring this detergent.

Example aside!

This is who I am. I have a kink streak that is only limited by your imagination. Yet, I get accused, that I can't give this when doing that, or can't be both.

No... I can't. That shouldn't hurt me so much to say. You know why? Because I am not thinking about my God damn grocery list while we are fucking... even if it is vanilla as fuk. I am engaged, giving my all. But when I am in "work" mode, all you want is to assume I want to be left alone, that your presence offends me... that there is a "whats wrong" somewhere in my future.

What is so hard to understand that I am giving my tasks the same attention I give you. For our homestead, for you, and because it is just who I fucking am... if you can't take me out of that head space and tell me it is time to focus on you, then maybe you are missing the whole point of control. Or maybe you are just lazy.

Or maybe it is just me...

I am loving all the perspectives I am seeing in the blog world! It has me inspired! Keep em coming!! So I couldn't wait to post again. 

Alpha Sub

I have seen this come up a few times in the last week-ish. Some people telling me I am one, seeing others who's blogs I follow, having pictures or talking about this type of Submissive. It resonates with me.

I will likely start using this category in my descriptions of who I am. It fits. However, I am always leery of falling into a category. I want to be my own person, have my own entity. Most importantly, I want to grow. Like a plant, up an out of any pot, or type, I have been placed in. If there is a bucket in which I am already defined, I not only want to explore it, learn from it, but instead, I want to change from it. Change the categorical definitions, challenge what is wrong about it, never be a perfect rendition of the cookie cutter. Even if that flavor of cookie is unique in its own right, it will never be all of me.

Just like I identify, strongly, with being an INTP type. It is not that I want to feel comfortable in that box. Safe in the four walls that I can lean on when someone asks. Instead, I find that categories, titles, can make it easier to explain to OTHERS. I have always enjoyed being who I am. Borderless. But when talking to other people, I find these identities help immensely in pinpointing characteristics, attributes, quirks and mind set. Like shopping and having my pick of all these flavors.

If you stand at the register, I can bring you these things to help you understand me. This is my store, and these are my cookies.

This is just another title that I will make use of to describe me. Not define me.

I wanted to get into blogging but I wasn't sure how. So this is my first and I am excited. Fitting it is self titled. 

I have been talking to so many great people. Self exploration abound. It has come to my attention that, in yet another way, I am different. So, as I do, I started to ask myself why. This morning, with some amazing coffee and some self reflection in some amazing sunlight through the window, I realized something. It kind of blew my mind.

Why am I so happy in isolation. I know I am an extreme introvert. That helps. I also know I am Demi. I need strong relationships. My mind is the guard to my heart. He is Just, but he can be Protective. I love him. haha. Still... how can a single, demi, be so content at home, with nothing but her own ministrations to entertain her. Someone who craves intimate connections to peoples souls, be happy in the silence of individuality?

I love myself.

It is strange to say. Everyone should, right? But do you? I love myself first. I read into my soul. Feed it what it needs, listen when it speaks, and take care of it. It is a full time job sometimes. But I am always here. Have always been here. I may not have realized it earlier, but I am confident about it now. I hold people to a standard I hold to myself. I am here, isolated, but happy. I can wait until I find someone who can handle that much. Until then, there is always the sun through the window.

I do miss those people, once in my life, that meant so much to me. Those that are now gone. But I look forward to when I find that again. Until then. *sips coffee in the sun spot*