Random Thoughts of a Wandering Sub

 Today, I can was not the best day I have had in a while.

Therapy...always puts me in a bad mood. I do not enjoy opening up about feelings and emotions to a person in front of me. When you can see their reactions. Then leaving therapy I get a call from my kids school about some problems she is having. Last time that happened it set me on a downhill slope and I went into the hospital for 4 days. It brought up old emotions, fears, self doubt. Am I enough of a mother for my child? am I enough of a woman for anyone...

 My Daddy helped bring me out of that dark place tonight. I wanted to go back to old habits of releasing my inner pain in the matter of self harm. I've gone a while without self harm and I realized that today. It's nice not adding to the physical scars my body holds.

He listened, assured me how I am feeling is normal. That most parents hold in those feelings, say they are good parents when inside they may feel otherwise. I bluntly say "I am not a good mother." It maybe true or it may not be, but that is how I feel and it's hard to control it.

 With me I don't feel I deserve happiness, love or anything really. It is a mind set I can't control and because of those feelings I have allowed myself to be mistreated for years. Until Daddy. I know I am a handful for him. My issues and problems are piled high and they don't discourage him at all. He loves me, He shows me its okay to feel bad. He shows me that I am loved, I am important and most importantly he shows me how a man should treat me.Just video chatting and seeing his face pulls me from my dark places. My head on his chest is my home, my safe haven. His arms wrapped around me is like a shield from the outside world. He takes care of me and I take care of him. I love asking about his day and hearing how it went, whether good or bad. I love rubbing his shoulders when he is stressed. Also, having those massages turn naughty is always fun. Giving him home cooked meals, even just cleaning for him so it is one less thing he needs to do. The ways I help care for him are in no way near what he does for me but I know that I can always make him feel important, loved and needed when I serve him the way I do. Also, the stuffies he gets me comfort me when he is not here.

 Everything feels completely at ease. He holds me in his arms with such tender love. Arouses me with just a simple look and or touch. Knows all the places on my body that drives me completely insane. The way my touch makes such desirable noises come from him.❤ How every touch he places on me holds the sense of possessive expression, desire, love, need, want..

 His hands pull my hair as he wraps one around my neck. Lips caress my skin..

 One day or an entire week, my time with him is what dreams are made of. He is what my dreams are made of and I hope to never wake up.

 It feels silly that a weight goal can make your mood drop so low. I was doing so so well and now I am 5.9 lbs off my weekly goal. I know a lot contributes to it, my erratic moods, PCOS and possibly the medication they have put me on. However it doesn't change the fact that my weight loss is at a stand still.

 That was one thing I could have said I was actually proud of myself for... now not so much.

 My Sir tells me it's okay, that my goals are not small ones and I've been doing the best I can. It means a lot that he educated himself on PCOS, I hate having to describe it. Yes, weight loss is extremely difficult with it. But, when there isn't much in your life that makes you proud of yourself, and something made you really proud... it's a giant blow when the progress has stopped.

 The only thing putting a smile on my face right now is that my Sir will be here tonight, and I want nothing more then to curl up in his arms and just feel his love and comfort.

 My Sir is a sexual sadist. There is NO doubt about that. He enjoys pushing my body to limits it has never been.

For instance, yesterday he said I could go get my nails done. Me not being able to keep my mouth shut mentioned the remote vibrator. Bad bad kitty, she needs to learn when to shut up.

 He required me then to wear the remote while getting my nails done. I am his property I will always do as he says.

I assumed he would send off little vibrations to keep me aware... no, oh no. This man went to the max level! Did a bunch of patterns...drove me crazy!!

In a very crowded salon... he made me orgasm. I tried like hell to keep my cool but I squeaked and the lady next to me looked at me with concern or an idea of what was going on. I couldn't sit still and messed 3 of my nails up and the tech had to redo them.. I tried to play it off that I had a tick... I don't think he believed me. 

Needless to say, the tech got a nice tip.. the lady next to me has a good story to tell and my insane Sir who lives in Washington while I am in Arizona got to play with his most favorite toy and I may never be able to go back to that salon ever again! I really liked that place.

Some days i wonder what i have gotten myself into. Also, i will never tell him when i am getting my nails done again.😁

P.S. I love you Sir, so damn much but you drive me crazy!

 The Last couple days I have been in an off mood. Feeling down and hopeless, alone and scared. I cant seem to shake it. Telling myself to snap out of it does not work. Focusing my mind on something else...nada. It's annoying to me because I want to be happy. Feel joy and have my smile actually be real. Instead, all I want to do is curl up in a ball, cry, stare at the wall in hopes something will change.

Run away and start over. New place, new people..new life. No one would know me I could be anyone. The idea seems so tempting. To just get in my car and drive as far as I can to a place I've never been. Maybe then I would find happiness.

 Now my views maybe a little off. I have been a sub/slave on and off for years but one question I never felt I needed clarification on until now is:

In a BDSM relationship is it only about the owner?

As a submissive does your feelings regarding aspects of the relationship actually matter?

 In a vanilla relationship the way it works best is there is no, "It's all about me." Instead, "it's all about us." There is no you or me. "This is what I want and what you think or feel doesn't matter." That's usually cause for the relationship ending.

However, in BDSM is that mindset acceptable? As a submissive you submit because YOU want to. Because it gives YOU joy and fulfillment. 

But when a statement is made such as, "My feelings do not matter because this is what YOU want." And the other persons reply is, "True." Then how do you accept that? 

To me, BDSM or vanilla it doesn't matter. There is no you or me it is still always US. am I wrong? Am I thinking more of a vanilla mindset then submissive mindset? As a submissive should feelings be put aside so the relationship can be all about what the owner wants? But if the sub has negative feelings about the relationship what is the point of even being his submissive? At that point the submission to that owner becomes fake and wouldn't the relationship just fall apart?

 This past weekend was my first time going to Sir in Seattle. It was so beautiful! Being with him in his home only made me so much more excited for January! I got to cook and clean for him, cuddle and love him... it was amazing! January can not come soon enough.. being with him for part of the month...AMAZING! 

 Seattle will come with its challenges.

1. It is cold!

2. It constantly rains!

3.Crazy drivers (My Sir included).

 Im born and raised from the desert. 50 degrees is our winter where I live and 50 degrees was their high when I was with him. I was constantly cold. But that is the best reason to request cuddles! And Sir gives the BEST cuddles. 

 Most wont understand how fulfilling it is for me to take care of him in just simple ways as cooking and cleaning. But it is VERY fulfilling. He is so busy and being able to help make even the smallest part of his days easier is a huge accomplishment in my book. 

 Sadly, I was only there for the weekend and couldn't do as much for him as I had wanted. January brings the chance to accomplish more for him and myself. He has begun to open doors for me in a new profession. A career I never in my wildest dream could have ever seen myself doing but I enjoy it so much. Nursing has always been a passion for me but slowly I am losing my drive for it and I am not sure how that really makes me feel. But when I complete work on this new field and I see my work come to life.. the sense of wonder I feel is amazing!

 Those who have read my blogs and forum post know that Sir and mines relationship doesn't come with out struggles. I have opened up on here that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and that is no longer the case. I recently found out I have bipolar 1 which is bipolar depression. My antidepressant medication was stopped abruptly and I have been placed on a mood stabilizer. I have found it very hard to accept the bipolar to know that I will be medicated for the rest of my life. That without the medication I will have no control. Its not an easy thing to swallow.

 My Sir and my family have been wonderful with everything but this last week and a half they have made my heart swell. When my medication was stopped Sir was here with me for about a week. He witnessed sides of me I hoped he never would have seen. Nightmares I thought were behind me have resurfaced. I have added so many more marks onto my body... most was unintentional some were not... 

 My family has stood by myside. My ex (daughters father) encouraged me to step back from being a mom this past week so I could focus on this, to allow my Sir to watch over me and ensure my well-being while he stepped up and did more as a father. I cant even begin to describe how grateful I am for all of them. They encouraged my "vacation" to Seattle so I could step away from my stressors and relax and enjoy life again. Sadly though.. being on vacation and with my love doesn't stop the mood swing and there were a couple moments where I dropped... I made things so very hard for my Sir and he stood by my side and held strong. He never gave up on me when I continue to give up on myself.

 I don't show my gratitude often and when I am in a "mood" I am unable to even acknowledged it.. but I am so grateful for my family, for having an amazing friendship with a man whos heart I shattered and for my Sir. Because of them new adventures are headed my way and with their strength and support I will be able to be the best me I can be.

 The feeling I have when I am with him can only be defined in one way, complete.

 His lips on me...

 His hands pulling my hair, around my neck..

 How he kisses me when I kneel for him to put my collar on..

 The way he holds me...loves me...cares for me..

The protector of my dreams and the knight to fight of my nightmares.

 The way he pushes my mind and body to give him just one more..

I love him. I love how he takes my hand when we are out in public. I walk along side him as his equal even though I would never hesitate to kneel to him. 

They way he loves me for all that I am and all that I can be...

My body, my mind and my soul is his. I could never have found the most perfect person to take control of me and consume me...

I love you

I trust you

I am yours

 My Daddy is on his way to me right now and I am so excited! I have missed him like crazy and after hearing some bad news yesterday i really need him right now.

Lately hes been bringing me more into his life i guess you can say. He has included me in building a website. Today i finished the course on HTML and feel so accomplished. I actually enjoyed what I learned and cant wait to get to work on the rough draft of code.

 Feeling included as seemed to really help how I've been feeling and I think its important if the relationship isnt just for a good time, to feel apart of eachothers lives.

 How are some ways you or your Sir includes you in their life? How does it make you feel to be included?

"The action or fact of accepting or yeilding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person."

 Also known as the one who owns you. A person you had open and trusted yourself with to hand over "you". To protect you, to guide you... to love you. They are your mentor, life line, safe place. Someone you feel at peace with to let them see the good, bad and ugly even if doing so scares the unholy Jesus out of you.

 The definition is different to everyone.

To me, it is a feeling. How I feel for this person is I want to kneel at his feet, stare up at him with admiration and allow him to guide me into this new journey we will be sharing together. No matter how scary that journey may be I know that he will always keep me safe. 

His guidance makes me want to be a better me. Achieve goals and dreams I never thought I could. Be the best me I can be for him, myself, my child.

Allow myself to be pushed to explore and understand new things, even if some of those at this time may hurt.

My story is I found a man who takes my breath away. The type of person he is and how generous and full of love that just beams from him like a light could just blind you. When he just stares at me without saying anything, he makes me feel wanted, craved.. sexy. The assignments given and completed help me feel accomplished. The small goals I've achieved make me feel capable. Overall it is nothing I have experienced with any other Dom or vanilla relationship and everyday there is something new and sometimes so very wonderful.

Just like every relationship there are ups and downs and not everyday is filled with rainbows and unicorns. We fight, we make each other upset, hurt each other but I like to believe that through it all we know we love each other and we care for each other deeply. 

I have some emotional issues, a past littered with pain and disgust and in all truth I do not view myself in a pretty light. Everyday he tells me I am worth it, I am special, I deserve so much happiness in life. Sometimes I cry when he tells me because truthfully I don't believe it, sometimes I get so angry when I hear that and sometimes I want to hear it, I want to believe it.

This man who knocked down my walls with the force of a wrecking ball lives a Poly lifestyle. Then here is me, who doesn't ever believe she is worth a damn, can be loved and is not wanted and really does not believe she is a good person. I believe I have caused us more pain and suffering and somehow he has not walked away from my craziness. He still stands by me, gives me his strength and reassurance of how he feels about me. Most days its enough and somedays it is not. But everyday I am still his.

I have been told many things about this relationship I have found myself in:

"It wont work."

"You are not Poly"

"Find someone else."

I am not poly but I also wouldn't say I am monogamous either. I have had many play partners most at the same time. I've cared for more then one man at the same time. However while in a relationship I was always all in. There was no one else and it didn't matter if that relationship was good or bad.

I am not my owners only sub and I know at some point there maybe others. My days can be so dark and he brings in a light that chases the storm away. To me it does not matter if this relationship could be "toxic" to either of us. 

Based on my definition of submission he is the one I want to serve and if we have to continue to find a solution for my emotional distress then so be it. He is worth it and I will NEVER ask for him to change the way he is for me, I WILL learn to accept his way, be secure with us and myself to know that he will never leave me for another woman, that he will always come back and I will always be his.

Some have told me that I am stupid for this but is it really?

If you love someone and adore them wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to make it work? It is no different in a vanilla relationship then in a BDSM one. If your marriage was suffering and you didn't want to see it end, wouldn't you want to work together to make it work, to fix the problems?

I am not with him for personal gain, financial gain or even personal growth. I am with him because I love and adore the kind of person he is. When I get to witness him doing something he loves I get to see the light in his eyes and the calm on his face. His good, bad and ugly doesn't make me want to run it just makes me love him more.

Who knows, this could blow up in both of our faces. No solution could be found and maybe the selfishness we both share in wanting each other will only destroy us. 

But in every great love story, doesn't it always cause the most pain before the beautiful can seep in?