HisBelovedKitty(sub female){MSA}

Random Thoughts of a Wandering Sub

My mind is constantly running. Questions pop up, Ideas enter some bad but mostly kinky.

You, me or us?

5 years ago. October 25, 2019 at 2:38 AM

Now my views maybe a little off. I have been a sub/slave on and off for years but one question I never felt I needed clarification on until now is:

In a BDSM relationship is it only about the owner?

As a submissive does your feelings regarding aspects of the relationship actually matter?

In a vanilla relationship the way it works best is there is no, "It's all about me." Instead, "it's all about us." There is no you or me. "This is what I want and what you think or feel doesn't matter." That's usually cause for the relationship ending.

However, in BDSM is that mindset acceptable? As a submissive you submit because YOU want to. Because it gives YOU joy and fulfillment.

But when a statement is made such as, "My feelings do not matter because this is what YOU want." And the other persons reply is, "True." Then how do you accept that?

To me, BDSM or vanilla it doesn't matter. There is no you or me it is still always US. am I wrong? Am I thinking more of a vanilla mindset then submissive mindset? As a submissive should feelings be put aside so the relationship can be all about what the owner wants? But if the sub has negative feelings about the relationship what is the point of even being his submissive? At that point the submission to that owner becomes fake and wouldn't the relationship just fall apart?

ulfhednar - Comment deleted by poster.

5 years ago

TheLittlePrincess(sub female){SSG} - In my opinion, the "you want this because I say you do" is more of something that is established over time within a dynamic. It comes with trust and an understanding of the other person. It is not something that goes against the subs wishes though. These things are talked about extensively in the beginning and after and then the Dom/me is to push those things, even if the sub doesn't think that is what they need. But they really are things that the sub needs or wants because they are the one who consented to that sort of thing in the beginning. A sub may want something, but it may not be what they need and their needs are previously discussed with the Dom/me.
I don't think that a Dom simply saying "no your opinion doesn't matter" is something that a sub just has to accept. A good Dom/me should always be willing to listen and talk with their sub about anything they need to talk about. The Dom/me does get to make the final decision but it is not without consideration for the sub.
I do think it is ultimately about the "Us" in the dynamic. Not just about one person. Otherwise what's the point of the dynamic? The dynamic is for both people.

5 years ago

SirsSunrise(sub female) - Ultimately the relationship is about two people, not one. How that dynamic plays out is up to those two people to decide and it can be an ever-changing situation. So it is definitely about the us.

5 years ago

SSG{ENM-TLP} - When people are trying each other out to see if they are a good fit, most likely it will be you and I. It will be focused more on the dominant's pleasure because that is the focus even when it is Us. It is important to consider dominants who WANT "Us." This will take quite a bit of discussion. Also, you should know within a short period of time if there is some degree of chemistry between the two. If you're looking for "Us," be sure to get to know each other well before getting too personal or graphic. "Us" isn't easy to find. I am so grateful to have found mine. I did go through several "try outs" before getting to Him though. I had to learn this lesson for myself, so my advice here is from personal experience. Don't settle for "will do." Be sure you know what you want and you are able to communicate it clearly to a prospective dominant. Ask them what they are looking for and what an ideal D/s looks like to them. Be sure you're happy with their response. If you don't then move on quickly.

5 years ago

SoaringFree(sub female) - There is always an "Us" but its definition morphs over time. For the first few months you are learning about each other's likes, dislikes, pleasures and limits. If this happens, then the trust is built and a relationship is established. My Sir will sometimes test me by giving me a task he knows is outside of my limits yet, it's given to see if I will still comply. Ultimately I trust him to say, "Yes Sir", knowing my trust in him will never fail. I don't believe anyone should be in any type relationship without trust but especially BDSM.
Your feelings are made known in the training months and even though they may not be voiced as much later on, your Sir should know you well enough not to need them voiced as often. He will do and say things for your pleasure which will please you, which will please him. Your obedience is another pleasure for him. Which will make you feel good. Our constant pleasure circle.
This is my dynamic and please know that each is unique. Find the match that works best for you.

5 years ago

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HisBelovedKitty​(sub female){MSA}

Random Thoughts of a Wandering Sub

You, me or us?

HisBelovedKitty(sub female){MSA}