Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

Away Day 16

I’m so ready for my master to be home. Today I had deliveries from Amazon and someone stole them. They actually uploaded pictures of my delivery and still someone stole them. I don’t know if I’m more horrified that somebody actually took my coffee that was delivered to my door or that my master is not here to help console me!

Damn bastards I hope that they don’t even know what a Nespresso coffee maker is because that’s what they got...pods for my Nespresso coffee machine! Oh and a little basket that magnetizes to the refrigerator...Just try selling that shit on eBay!!!

At least Amazon was good enough to tell me that they would re-deliver it again...Hopefully I’ll be home when this one gets delivered. Why do people do that I mean really you’re my neighbor come on...

He is home in exactly 4 days I cannot wait!!! The house is ready for the most part but my body is more than ready for him to be home!!!

Sorry for the late night ramble just frustrated that’s what I had to deal with after a long day at work and then after a brutal workout ...come home to stolen boxes...Tomorrow is got to be a better day at least it’s one more day closer to him coming home!!!

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 15

Love is a funny thing. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you high and it takes you low. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and it makes you act in ways you normally would not. It makes you brave and it takes you to your hiding place. 

For me love is letting myself be loved by a man that does love me. Learning to trust that it’s real. Letting myself feel emotions that I have never felt. Feeling secure for the first time in my life. And being able to believe in another person.

When love is real it’s knowing that even when there are doubts (because of everything you have been dealt before) that it’s false and you feel totally at ease. It finding that gut feeling is telling you to stay and hold on tight instead of leaving. It’s truly trusting someone with everything...and I mean everything...and thankful for every single moment that you have together...even the tough times.

I am living with love from my Master. It’s absolutely the best feeling in the world...and also the hardest because I never want to be with out him. I feel his ownership of me every moment but I miss his presence. My heart is filled with joy by any notion of attention from him...and aches without it.

Like I said...Love is a funny thing...especially since I never knew love to could this wonderful!

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 14

Have you ever felt like you do and do and somehow it’s just not enough. Is that feeling due to the fact that you really aren’t doing enough or that the expectation of the recognition is overstated? Is it because as a submissive that’s the way I am built? Is it that my self esteem seems to test me relentlessly? 

I’m not sure which of these are the case. This situation follows me professionally and personally. But I’m also the person that doesn’t like recognition...at least not publicly. What is wrong with my brain?

Professionally I’ve always felt that because I don’t suck up and be the person that really does nothing but is everyone’s favorite...this has made my career slow and steady...not really climbing that ladder so to speak. Even though everyone wants my opinion and me as their leader?

Personally I have always felt unwanted. Even though I am extremely confident. Most of my life I have been in some type of relationship that was unhealthy...and I didn’t even want it or him...but I didn’t want to be alone. I finally have a relationship I want...more than anything...and I doubt that I am doing the right thing for him daily. Why...I don’t know!! 

Trying to be perfect for work, for home, for family and for him...a perfectionist is never really finished or 100% happy with whatever...but a submissive seeks the approval and the feeling of being owned.

I want to make sure that I am doing everything my Master demands of me. I don’t like the feeling that I am disappointing him in anyway.  

I’m am committing to some more detailed rules that I am hoping will complete some of my feeling that I’m not doing enough for him. I am also committed to doing some more for my self esteem...doing some more me appreciating and training my brain to be happy with me...the imperfections and all.

Until tomorrow....

Away Day 13

At this time next Sunday...I will be patiently awaiting my Masters arrival. Awaiting my heart to return to my body.

I have lots to do this week. Hair, nails, lashes...I also will need to find a gym to start back in my routine. I might even treat myself to a new outfit for his arrival!!!

I have to keep busy this week...my need for him is growing stronger as each day passes. I need this week to go by FAST!!! I crave his kiss, his touch, him in the bed with me!!!

I seriously don’t know if I will be able to keep my hands off him on the drive home from the airport! I need his dominance, I need to feel his strong arms around me. I need to be owned!!!!

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 12

I made lots of progress today on the house! The stack of stuff that needs to go to storage is steady growing...but it’s looking better! He will have plenty to do once he gets home!

The next 8 days can’t go by fast enough. I really need him. So much has changed in my world over the past 12 days that I really need his strong shoulders to lean on. He is my rock and lately by the end of each day I feel I need him more. I just want him to hold me tight, pet my hair and let me listen to his heart beat.

It’s strange how when we are together I feel complete and my world is spinning like it should. When he goes away...I almost feel stuck. Stuck in a cold place waiting for his return to me. I am put on life support in a way...living off video chats, text messages and phone calls....waiting to be back in the land of the living.

It’s snowing out....and this is a first for me. It makes me sad that he is not here with me and I am experiencing all the firsts without him physically here. I know there will be more while he is with me...I just want it all sometimes.

Im just ready for him to be home....

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 11

Our place is coming together! My feet are sore and my legs ache trying to get use to the stairs... but it’s starting to look good! I’m having to be creative about where and how to put things...this place is smaller than my things! Lol...

We had a moment this morning...he got frustrated with me over something that I didn’t realize was a big deal. Now I know it is...and I won’t make that mistake again! Sometimes it’s really hard for me to see the things that are going to make him frustrated with me. I know that he needs his space sometimes...and I am more than happy to give it to him. I don’t ever want to apologize that I want to spend time with him...I never want to stop wanting to spend time with him. I won’t be apologetic for that...and I hope he never wants me to stop either! But I don’t want him to feel pressured to give me his time or feel like I’m demanding of his time. I want it to be natural...

I hope he see’s it this way...and not as a task. I don’t want an obligation call or video chat...I want him to want that time just like I do. 

I’m sorry if I made you feel a certain way....but I can’t apologize for wanting your time. I will change the way I show that to You going forward. 

I don’t want either of us to be frustrated. Finding balance is what we have done best. I glad we talked it out and moved past this issue. I love you Daddy...

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 10

Half way there...just another 10 days until he is home!! I miss him so badly...my emotions have been all over the place. I need him to hold at night!! I need him to help me feel better! My body is screaming for his touch!!!

I want his hands all over me! I told him the other day that I need him to make love to me...and he said No you need to have wild crazy rabid monkey sex! Yes....that is definitely what I need!!! I need him to dominate me!! Take me hard, be rough with me, pull my hair, slap my ass and fuck the hell out of me!! Then hold me tight....all night long!!

Looks like I need to get some supplies to bundle myself inside this weekend! Lots of snow headed my way...I need to get some stuff to make sure I’m eating healthy and can stay inside!! This Texas girl still need practice to drive in the snow...and I would rather do that when he is home! Lol

Anyway...such is life!

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 9

Feeling very lonely. I’m missing him so bad at this point...it hurts. For the first time in a very long time I’m completely alone. Not even my dog to keep me company. I have a fish...but not like he/she cares. In a new city and I know no one. Eleven more days until he comes home and it feels like forever. I’m thankful that I have so much to do or I might go crazy. The job is going well...and hopefully I can shake off the new kid on the block feeling and people will warm up to me a little.

Maybe I need some retail therapy...a mani/pedi...maybe a facial. But right now I just feel like crying. And since I’m sick...crying even hurts!! You know how when you cry it makes your throat tighten up??? It sucks big time when your throat is infected  and you want to cry and it tightens up!!! 

I know I have been complaining this last couple of days and I’m sorry for that...I know it will all be ok and he will be home soon...but for now I just need a minute to be sad and cry.

I’m tired...I’m lonely...I don’t know where to but all this stuff...my back hurts, my throat hurts...and I don’t have the right shoes for tomorrow!!!

Ok...I’m done. For now...

It’s my blog...I’m supposed to write from the heart. I’m not sure who actually reads this...but if you made it this far...Thanks for hanging with me...it’s just a bad day.

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 8

I’m missing him so much today. Even weepy for him...I have just wanted to cry all day today!! It doesn’t help that it’s that time of the month, I’m getting sick AGAIN and I’m just tired. I just want to be held by him... tight!!

This unorganized mess is driving me insane!!!

Ok..I’m going to stop bitching and complaining. I am blessed beyond belief...I have a wonderful man that loves me, a home that we can build together and a job that seems to be good! 

Here’s hoping that I wake up on the good side of the bed...and no sicknesses!!

Until tomorrow...

Away Day 7

Had a great day a my first day at the new job! Excited that I’m going to be a apart of a company that is seeming to really care about the people!! 

As for the unpacking...I got about 6 boxes done this evening! Not to bad...especially since I have no idea where to put most of this stuff!! Lol

I’m taking in everything about my new surroundings. Daddy is giving me guidance all along the way. He has been so supportive during this time...giving me so much strength and love. It has been what I need...just the reassurance from him and the words of encouragement are priceless to me. Making him proud is a reward all in itself!

I miss him so much...so I’m grateful for this distraction. I have been feeling so dependent on him for everything...it’s nice to put some of this responsibility back on my shoulders...and holding myself accountable for getting us up and going at our new place. All I want is for him to be home and comfortable!

I love you Daddy...hurry home!

Until tomorrow...