Plain Jane

For the longest time I have left my profile empty. I would write on it leave it for a few day the delete it. I wasn’t sure if what out was what was needed to help me find perfect. Well wake up Wandarae Perfect doesn’t exist. Perfect is a time a moment that we are having. Perfect to me right now is writing this blog. 

it’s the right time, the right moment. This is a perfect time for me to write this blog also. Because how many of you add that touch, add that extra word just because you think it will make you shine for an extra 2 seconds. We all do it. So why do we hide our true selves. 
most of us hide because we have been hurt or we are hurting. We build walls to keep out those that will hurt us. Problem is...... 

We keep out those that will cause us happiness pleasure. We keep

out the ones that will enhance our lives. The ones the cam make our lives living instead of surviving. 
most of us just survive each day. We just enough also that we can get back to our castle. Our homes that safe place we call it. Our turtle shell. I love my turtle shell. We feel we are different because we have kinks. We are no different than anyone else. 
we each live a life that was handed to us, or we made. We each have something to offer this world. I may do nothing important in this life time. But what I do know is somewhere in the future I will be their history. Made a scrapbook page I made one of my kids. Maybe a photo of my family. Maybe I was put on this earth so that I could create one of my kids who will create another child to make another. And maybe that child will do something great. I may never know. But what I do know is my turtle shell has been a saving grace, or maybe it’s been my downfall. Whatever it’s been it’s made me who I am. It’s made this person smile, cry, laugh, and make memories that will be treasured for time to come. But that’s my story and we each have a story. We come on here looking for someone. Weather we find it or not doesn’t matter we have each other even if we all wear a mask. It’s not that we are ashamed of who or what we like. It’s because of society. And if any of you ever think your weird or wrong or different. YOUR NOT! Because each person no matter the vanilla life or the BDSM life wears a mask. We all hide we are all afraid. we all have the same feelings. 
now I know I hide I have no life but who am I hurting no one just myself right. Nope I hurting that person that may need me that person that may need to hear my story. It makes me cry because I am not strong enough to come out of my shell. I’m not strong enough to put and mingle with others. I don’t have anyone to protect me but myself. And I wonder how many people have the exact same feeling. 

The CRAVE!!! Is it an obsession? Is it something you can get over? 

To me it feels like a desire. But how do crave and desire be the same? Are they the same? How can one heat of passion that you’ve never had only read be such a desire or a craving? 

is it the body or the passion that is my craving? Honestly it’s both. Human touch is important to everyone. Human touch is a human necessity in life. And can it be healthy if you live without it. Can it be the problem with the crave with the desire. I don’t know the answer to these questions. But I do know me. I have waited this long I can wait for Sir Right. 

I honestly believe that waiting can be be a good thing maybe I’m a prude Sub. I’m not sure about that. I have waited so long now that how can I cheat myself one glorious and beautiful body mind and spirt encounter. How can I deny my body the release of letting go because the person I am with I trust whole body and heart that passion has never been released I have never let go of control and I will not deny myself this. Nor will I deny my Dom the experience of watching this transformation of me. 

god yes it is. Is it going to be worth it. That is a journey that I am waiting on to start. I know now what it feels like to trust. And I know the crave and desire I feel for that person. Can this feeling be any better than what it already is? I am so excited to find out and start a new journey in life. If it never happens it’s ok because I will enjoy the adventure to find out if I am meant to go to infinity and beyond. 

So today I talked to another sub. It was amazing to be able to talk to another woman that was new and feeling the same way I do. This lifestyle is not an easy road. But I honestly think it’s worth the drive. I see the vanilla lifestyle and I’ve endured it. I have only read blogs and books about this lifestyle and well it’s what I want. It’s what I crave and need. 

is it what I’m going to get? I don’t know. Is it worth fighting for, waiting for. That’s an easy answer. YES!!!!! 

Is it going to be an easy road to take. No I am going to have ups and downs. Hello it’s life so yes I’m going to have ups and downs. 

but what I will tell you is I will be thankful that I found this website. I will be thankful for 95% of the people I’ve meet on here. I will love the few that I have gotten close to. I will keep my hope and my faith, that my time will come to meet my Dom. 

now what am I waiting for and fighting for. Well this lifestyle to me means trust. And that’s a funny thing for me to say because I have the worst case of DTA “don’t trust anyone” anyone could ever imagine. But I meet someone on here no it didn’t work out. That’s not what’s important what is important is I trusted. For the first time in my life I trusted and I wasn’t let down For my trusting him. I could send him a message and ask him a question and he will still answer. And I will trust his answer. I would trust him to do all of this kinky dangerous stuff to me. Not sure what I like or don’t like so yup that to me is trust. That one word is this lifestyle to me.     “TRUST”

that is a very big word in this lifestyle. Yes there is more to it I know that. But trust is a very big word. Do I just want to have sex god I’m contradiction YES I want sex but with the right person. With the right Dom. And when I do I promise him and I will answer the wise old owls answer. How many licks to get to the center of the tootsie pop?????? 

Are you turtles enough to be in the turtle club?

have you ever wonder if turtles have feelings?are they cold hearted animals? I mean they live in a shell and it’s really a strong shell. They don’t share their shell with other turtles not even their own young. Maybe that’s why they live so long? They pretty much mind their own business. They don’t get involved with other animals. Like have you ever seen a turtle friends with like a duck or bird? 

do think they are lonely animals ? Do you think they poke their heads out to just see the world and shake their heads and then go back inside their shell shaking their hWads saying what the hell is wrong with everyone else? 

do other animals look at turtles and think wow I wish I was a turtle? I wish I was turtlely enough to be part of the turtle club. 

are their shells like people’s walls that we build? 

turtle turtle turtle 

So what is Horton really teaching us? Our whole lives we are told to help people be kind to others. Yet most people only use one another. Hurt the ones they love because why? Because by trying to save them hurt people lie to them hide things and say they are doing it because they are trying to protect them from the pain. “Please excuse my poor language here” but I call horseshit. They are trying to save their own butts. They don’t want to face the  tears that they are going to cause or see the tears that will come from the truth. If you have ever watched the movie Horton hears a who it’s so part of real life.  They even have two more kinds of people the good blade and the bad blade. The good balds make cookies and the bad blades you don’t want to know. What the heck people don’t you see the mockery here. I’M A HORTON!!!!! I 98% of the time am happy I go about doing nice things for people trying to make people smile. Weather it’s fresh baked cookies on their desk or just an encouragement card from the dollar store. Or flowers from the discount section. Yes I love that section and fresh discount flower all over my house. Anyway yup didn’t take my meds today so sorry I’m all over the place uggggh. Ok.... moral of this blog I need to stop helping people I need to stop being a pass the ketchup girl. Now as far as lie to people I need to learn how to be able to lie. I mean I can I come up with great lies I just can’t because if I do my stomach kills me till I fess up and tell the truth. I need to stop trying to make other people happy. I need to stop caring if others are unhappy because it’s not my fault they are unhappy. I know it’s not because I’d have to have something to do with them and I don’t get involved with people I stay to myself. So please tell me why I care. Now as far as staying to myself it at least keeps most of the bad blads away. It isn’t 100% proof of keeping them away I still have to be their doormat. BUTT❤️ I don’t want to be a Horton or a pass the ketchup girl. I want to take that ketchup bottle and squirt it all over their face. Because that’s what they deserve. Or in my case stomp on their feet because that’s how a princess takes care of an ogre.  And just to let you know no one was mean to me. Just thinking about self help here and I need to stop loving more than dislike. Need to stop caring. Need to stop being nice. Need to stop giving. Need to stop being honest. Actually came up with a way to hopefully take care of that one just going to say rather not talk about it or it’s not my business or it’s none of your business. Ha that should work. I may not matter to anyone in this world may never have but taking the safe route hasn’t worked either. And even if I don’t matter to anyone else I should matter to myself. maybe it’s time to get dangerous. 

oh my I so hear the fire alarms going off in my head. It’s a really good thing I have a great hair color specialist and person that cut my hair and they know when I say I hear the alarms that don’t do any funny colors or cut my hair short!🤣😆😂❤️

So I’ve been told I have anxiety. But is it really anxiety or just excitement of life? Do I babble? Yes I do when I get nervous. But if you look at most people in this world they do the same thing. Do they have anxiety? Do I hyperventilate? No I don’t well I do if my ex comes near me or one particular type of occupation uniform wearing person comes near me. But that is it. I just throw up on them and most times they will go away. “Thank God” I really mean that I really do thank God for that. 

Now am I socially awkward? Yup I can’t deny it I am so socially awkward it hurts. But in my time of growing up I had a certain disability that was not acceptable and my parents would not take me out to be around other people I was not allowed to go play with other kids in the neighborhood. I at a young age was left at home by myself. Not being around people is not a good thing. But let’s look at this from my point of view here. It help me create an awesome imagination I can come up with more way to entertain myself. I write stories that my coworker love and beg for new books. I don’t go to bars spending tons of money on alcohol. And my life is simple not full of drama.

but. Yup here’s the butt that everyone loves. Do things that happen shock me overwhelm me. Yes because I’m a million years I can not think people would do or say the things they do.  Now on the other hand I have been secluded so much from this worlds uglyniess that I think that is what most of the problem is. See I’ve lived in my beautiful and wonderful world for so long and have only had to come out to...... I’m not sure what to call it. My children say I’ve lived a sheltered and secluded life,and I still do thanks to them. I’ve just started living on my own and this world is nuts. Yet it’s so beautiful. With so many wonderful new things for me to discover. Do I get overwhelmed yes I do. Do I stay away from people yes I do. Would I be the happiest person alive living in the woods by myself. I don’t think so because we all need human contact. I am not immune to it. Do I fit in this world no I don’t. Am I terrified of this world. Yes but isn’t everyone in some sort of away or another. Would I ever speak up for myself nope I just take whatever it is. Am I a door mat yup that’s me. But I am the happiest door mat you will ever meet. 
do I keep to myself? Yes I do. Do I avoid social gatherings? Yes I do.. do I avoid trouble yes I do. Am I quiet and mind my own business? You bet I do. Do I not get involved? Yup that’s me also. Now because of this and because social things scare me I am told that I have anxiety and need medication.  But yup here it is again. I love butts.❤️ 
I had a.... oh for the love of potatoes. I’m not sure what he is but to call him a person. Anyway a nice person from this site told me after talking well texting me for a while. That I have never Felt safe or been protected in my whole life. I’ve given that a lot of thought. I’ve never felt unsafe. But I think he is right about this. I don’t think me or half of the people that have been told they have anxiety have it. We just... well unprotected. And have been for so long and kept ourselves in isolation for so long that when life happens or what we think is OMG because we live quiet and peaceful lives takes out of our norm. We just fall a lot farther than most people. So we don’t have anxiety we have moments of this WORLD and PEOPLE Are CRAZY!!!!!

As I look back on my two experiences on this site I see the mistakes that I made very clear I take all my responsibilities to them. But I will not take all of the responsibilities, Just mine.

I’ve been told there is two side to every story. But that is not true there is three. His/hers and then the truth.

As I have talked about before I am a very boring person my life is simple. I get very nervous talking to people and then I babble like an good red blooded American girl.

But what I don’t get is when I read about Doms and tops. Is they are self confident and very strict with their lives. Which is their thing which is what subs or bottoms crave. And us bottoms are what tops crave because of our giving and submissiveness. As bottoms we are uncertain and question a lot especially if we are new I know I have a million insecurities and I’m finding out I am not alone on that. I also know that All of us need to be built up. It’s human nature to be told that you special pretty handsome. Or even that someone finds you attractive. But it is not my job to make you feel like a man. I can’t make you into something your not. Just as you can’t make me feel like a woman if I don’t act like one. I also know that my action are in the eye of the beholder. I also know I am sarcastic and a little bratty at times. It’s who I am.

I have not made a profile due to I need to learn how I fit in this lifestyle I will not take it lightly. Trusting someone to do half of things I have heard of on here seems dangerous exciting and turns me on beyond what I could have ever imagined. And I have a fantastic imagination that I know.

I guess what I don’t get is why in the first sentence of a message I get from people is “sarcasm here” “using my deep man voice” call me daddy baby girl”. Get out of dodge are you crazy really I’m just going to call you daddy what planet are you from. Plz help me understand this. Next is if I’m honest with you and tell you I have insecurities. Why is it so hard to just say it’s ok I’m still here. Joy I’m not going over it again. Hello if your given what you need then shut up and give the next person what they need. 

so as I read this and my horrible grammar spelling and punctuation it looks like a question answer rant. But I have really found out I am not the only one feeling this way. 

I don’t think there is any way not to get attached. Well not for us people who have been waiting their whole life to fit in somewhere. Us invisible people. Lonely people. Scared little piglet people. We stand outside looking in so many different windows. We want into all of them and when one ones just a crack we somehow jump through that little sliver of a crack. We dream it’s going to be forever because that’s what we desire. But in reality we chase people away because we get to carried away. We get so excited to just have someone to talk to. Then we just start babbling on and on. With honestly nothing of any value to say. Not that we usually have anything to talk about anyway because our lives are soooo damn boring. So I’ve come up with a new idea for any of you subs that get attached like me. 
1. try and not text every single minute breath. 
2. If number one isn’t going to work then block the person and text your heart out. They won’t get the text messages hoping they don’t get them all when you unblock them. 😂 

3. try with all that is good I. This world to only text them first every other day. Let them text you first the other every other days of the week. 
4. cry it’s ok even though you know your the one to blame and that you drove them away. 
5. this is the biggest one yet plz read this one.   DO NOT BEG. Let them go. If they did not love you enough to let it go. Then it wasn’t meant to be. 
6. you will hopefully find someone someday that will love you back the way you love them. And if not we’ll maybe your true love was murdered or died in some other tragic way and he just isn’t on this earth anymore. God doesn’t make mistakes and he says their is someone for everyone. He just say when or where you would find him. 

Having a simple life is not a bad thing. Boring yes but not bad. Staying behind the scene is not a bad thing either. No star would ever be without the people behind the scene. The invisible people have a very big role in other people’s lives. Just most spot light chasers can’t see anything but their own reflection. So if your a behind the scene or invisible persons remember a few things. 
1. you are very important to people that don’t know your worth. 
2. life is better this way even if you don’t always feel like it is. 
3. your time to shine will come. 
4. the person that sees you is the person that takes the time to see the good in this world not the bad. 
5. it’s ok to like simple things as long as they are the things you want desire and care about. 
6. remember the people with the spot light on them have problems also they are not without. Theirs are just different. 
7. everyday may not be a good day but There is something good about everyday.

8. How you control your words and action is completely on you. And defines your character. 
9. I’m a lover so if your feeling down know that I may not know your name but I love you.