Plain Jane

Well here I go against everything I know to be sane. 
so on here I have read everyone’s views on fifty shades of gray. But no one yet has brought up a whole different point of view on this book. I have seen the movies and I have read the books. Now on the movie side I see your views. BUT “yes you all know I love BUTT one of my favorite words” when you read the books. Or when I read the books I got an entire different view on them. 
See I got that he was abused as a child and then as a teenager. BUTT he used the lifestyle that he was taught by his abuser to get release and he used it not only to get release but to make it work His own way. 

isn’t that what we all do. I’m new here and I know I don’t know very much about all of this. But I got out of the books a broken man that used BDSM to find his way in life. And honestly isn’t that what all of us are doing. Just wanting to feel. We just want to feel something, anything. I know, I know I’m a nut I don’t fit in. I will probably be the cages enemy number one from this blog. I didn’t get interested in BDSM from this movie or this book. I didn’t get that from the books. If I got anything from the book it was tears. Because someone was abused as a toddler and a child and he was able to come from a messed up childhood and move forward and find his  place. Maybe there isn’t any hope for a softhearted dork like me. Maybe I won’t find Mr. Wonderful. But I’m never going to stop looking at this from a different point of view. I mean let’s look at Christian and not Anna. I mean it does show that boys can get raped and molested not just girls. And it shows how he used this lifestyle with different thoughts  to make his life work.  
Maybe someday this Humpty Dumpty will be able to be put back together. Just like him.  But for now I’ll just be cages enemy number one. 

So walls are a great things right they are suppose to protect you from the bad right? Mine have done me very well throughout the years. But where do these wall come from? because we still exist in the real world? 
they are in our heads they are very real and they are always justifiable. These walls are made with the power of our brains and our brains are amazing things. 
now our brains build these walls either small or big to protect us. We stand behind them and dare someone to enter there. we stand with our swords and shields ready for battle. We all have these walls no one is immune from them. Some of us build a moats around our walls and instead of water we have fire, with barbwire  and Explosives ready for the attack. I don’t know about Dom’s walls I can just go by a sub’s walls here sorry. But anyway inside our walls we skip jump and play our inner child’s are free to be themselves. Once someone penetrates our walls well that’s when absolute fear comes into play here. We scratch bite and claw. It’s human nature, our safe place has been invaded. We push people out because this is our space it’s our safe place. 
so what I am getting at is why is the challenge over once a Dom has gotten in the walls. Their journey has really just begun at this point. Because even once their in the walls they still need to conquer the inner child playing warrior inside. Why are they giving up when they are only 1/3 of the way to the finish line? 
See the next conquest is to see if they are strong enough to fight the subs demons. Because we’ve been fighting them our whole lives. Hence why we have shields and swords.  Our monsters under the bed are very real. And we have had years to bing them alive from our imagination. See we are not damsels in distress because in our survival mode, we have  been battling these monsters our whole lives. They are very real and they bite, kick and well it’s a horror show. But if the knight gives up well....... it’s like this in the movie after sleeping beauty pricks her finger the prince had to battle all of the thorns and maleficent to get to her. So that’s kinda what I’m trying to get here. But once he battles the monsters he gets to find his beautiful princess. And nope the journey is not over yet. You would think so right, Because this is where Disney left it at. But Nope this journey is to help bring her back to life to wake her up but when you wake her up there is so much she’s missed in life and she craves everything she wants to see and do everything. So this journey has just begun it’s life at its greenest. To see everything green through her eyes. To teach her about herself. This is the final journey but this journey is just beginning it’s where they do it together. This is where the Dom gets to mold their sub into their perfection. Oh there’s still going to be wars to conquer because that’s just they way life is but isn’t life easier when two are fighting instead of one. And this is where the sub has to Learn to keep one step behind her Dom. Not because she isn’t strong enough to kick the dragons butt. But because her Dom has earned that place. He has earned that respect, trust and loyalty. He is not the little prince now he is her king. And she needs to now hold her own and watch his back, so that he can keep them moving forward. He has fought his battle and won his prize. He has shown the sub he will GO THE DISTANCE!!! And lead them well. And that my friends is all I got. 

So I’ve had another revaluation. After having a few encounters with a few people on here it has come to my attention that I think I’m a prude. So my first encounter he gave me task and well I’m wild and unruly. I’ve never had to live by rules before so that was a disaster. I tried I really did. But well on top of rules I didn’t know myself and how I fit in this world. “Oh he had his faults but that is not what this blog is about”. 
so back to topic. I didn’t know how I fit in this world. And I was so excited to be talking to a man. Yes it’s been years since I have even talked to a man about anything other than work. I went crazy texting I couldn’t believe someone would be interested in me. Like how could that be? I still ask that question of myself. But I was able to keep my walls partially up and in tack.  I still have a lot of questions but I am googling for most of my answers. Then I meet a great man he was amazing but well I wasn’t  attracted to him in that way. but he was the bestest friend ever. I will forever remember him. He played board games with me online. Then I had my third encounter and well this one got my walls down. And honestly that’s a good thing or its suppose to be right that’s what a Dom’s suppose to do. But what I am discovering is that once a dom gets through your walls, the challenge is over. And they are done with you. Now at first I thought this was just me because come on only my third encounter in this lifestyle. But I am hearing from a lot of other subs the same thing once they let down their walls the challenge is over, and the Dom moves on. Maybe I just don’t understand this lifestyle as well as I thought I did. Tonight I was talking to someone and in the first 10 minutes I caught him in a lie. This is not trust or respect at all. 
so as I sit here tonight I ask myself what is it that attracts me to this lifestyle? What makes this lifestyle different than a vanilla one? Well I’m going to tell you the answer to both of those questions.

honesty, trust, and respect. See in a vanilla relationship there should be honesty but there isn’t nor is there trust they live like roommates that share a bed. They don’t have respect for each other because they are fighting for who’s on top. Now for a BDSM relationship there has to be trust because well a lot of the stuff is very dangerous. With that danger there has to be honesty with what’s going on so no one gets seriously hurt. And if you think anyone is going to let just some schmo do this kind of stuff to them without respecting that person you have to be nuts. 
now a few subs that have been going through a rough time they have asked me what I did to get over the one that got in my walls. Answer is easy. I DIDN’T. But so that I don’t look like an idiot. Here’s what I do every morning I send a text message to myself saying good morning. Then I before I go out the door I send myself a text have a good day. Instead of texting him. I don’t fall in love I don’t let my walls down if you’ve read any of my blogs you know DTA “don’t trust anyone” live in my turtle shell. I broke all of these self rules. And I have to live with it. But I won’t make that mistake again. I do t blame him. Because there is blame he just isn’t interested and the challenge is over. On with the new out with the old. But for me it’s different once I love I always love. I’m an idiot and I even love my ex. And he mentally, emotionally and physically abused me for 26 years. Yes I love him I don’t want to live with him don’t want to have anything to do with him. But now for this Dom. I wish him enough of whatever he needs to make himself happy and all of the best. So here’s what I can tell my fellow subs just text yourself. It’s all I got and what works for me. 

now please list on here what works for you subs and Doms that go through the same thing. Let’s help others to understand that their feelings are valid and they are not alone. Let’s give them ideas to make the situation better for them. 

So just one of the things that I’ve learned on this site is that Dom’s want us subs to give them unlimited trust. Ultimate trust that is.
well that is great most subs want to trust a Dom  with no limits. But the reality of this, thing called trust is it must be earned by an outstanding Dom. One that is confident in himself and patient. One that can be strong enough for himself and the sub. One that does not think that this lifestyle is about power. And that can be in control just not a control freak. Yes there’s a difference. Subs need to know that the Dom won’t hurt them or tell their secrets. They need to know they won’t be abandoned or tossed out like yesterday’s trash. They need to feel safe even when they are being disciplined. 🤓🤓

Sub’ are giving the ultimate gift which is 100% of themselves. They are willing to put their Dom’s needs before theirs. But with this kind of trust come responsibility.

Is that dom responsible enough to handle that amount of trust. 
Have they earned the right for that trust? This is something every sub should ask themselves before giving that amount of trust. 

one of my biggest questions is how can you give this amount of power to someone you’ve never physically meet. You’ve never Been able to look them in their eyes to see their soul. 

so with this blog I am sure a lot of Dom’s are not going to like me. But that is ok because that means they are not meant for me. My right Dom will be strong enough to break my walls down come inside and help me build them back up. He will never abandon me or my soul. He will never forsake my trust once he has earned it. 
I still have faith he is alive😁

So do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like it’s doomsday. Because you feel like your going to be alone the rest of your life. like you will never feel like you will ever find your other half. Like OMG my my other half is a Shakespeare dram and he had some kind of tragic death and I will suffer the rest of my days till I die “in gods time”  to find my other half. For the love of potatoes even in Shakespeare the other half at least knows who it is. The not knowing is the true torture. Maybe this is more like A Edgar Allen Poe Pome. Having to watch the pendulum over head tic and Tock over you alone and lonely. waiting for it to reach you for your final day to lay in agony all alone. 

yes I have a fantastic imagination. And just as i take it to the dooms I can take it to the beauty. 

so then I think maybe my other half may have had a tragic death and he is has chosen to stay so he can follow me around and make sure nothing bad happens to me. Maybe he comes in my dreams and makes love to me. Maybe when I feel my hands go to my lower area it’s him who has entered my body and is giving me the loving that he longs to be doing physically. Maybe he is the single flower I see growing by itself that I am enjoying watching grow. 

maybe he’s the sunrise I see or for me the rainy nights that I love. 

wherever he is I pray he is happy and knows that I am not a damsel in distress and I will be strong for him and me. 😊😁

As I read a lot of blogs on here and a lot of profiles. I see one thing I common. The memes that people post on here are about perfect. I don’t know much about perfect I’m very very far from being perfect. I’m actually so far from being perfect that it’s not even funny. 
what is a perfect sub. Is the perfect sub weak, Smart, dumb,  meek, strong, bold, soft, delicate, breakable, courageous, brave, a fighter or a hider. Is the perfect sub skinny, petite, tall, slim, short, or fat. Is the perfect sub rich or poor. 

can you just pick out of the list above the ones you want. Can you order her like hey alexia I need. 

so what makes a sub perfect? I don’t have any idea what makes a perfect sub. I can only be me. I can only love the way I love by giving everything I have to that person. I can be me because.

I’m special. In all the world there is no one like me. Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like me. No one has my smile. No one has my eyes, my nose, my hair, my hands, my voice. I’m special.

in all of time there has never been anyone who laughs like me or cries like me. And what makes me laugh and cry will never provoke identical laughter and tears from anyone else, ever...

I’m the only one in all of creation who has my set of abilities. Oh there will always be someone who is better at one of the things I’m good at, but no one in this universe can reach my quality of my combination of talents, ideas, abilities, and feelings. 
through all of eternity no one will ever look, talk, think, or do like me. I’m special! I’m rare!

and, as in all rarity there is great value. Because of my great rare value, I need not attempt to imitate others. I will accept - - yes celebrate my difference.

I’m special, and I’m beginning to realize it’s no accident that I’m special. I’m beginning to see that God made me special for a very special purpose. He must have a job for me that no one else can do as well I. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified. Only one has the right combination of what it takes. 

               That one is I. Because I’m special!!!

So what is happy? Is it attention, is it time or is a moment in time? This question is very real to me because so many people walk around with a frown on their face. 
happiness to me is a way of thinking and how we think about life that happens. We need to stop being the energy vampires Sucking out all of the happiness in this world. Yes things happen to all of us you can’t stop Your kismet. But you can think of things in a different way. Like instead of oh god why me why did I get a flat tire why now. Think of it as I’m so blessed to have the ability to get this tire fixed. I’m so blessed that I have people I can count on to help me. And if not those two then how About this must be my lucky day because I got this flat stopping me from going to where I was going because something bad might be waiting down that path. 
you see it’s all about how we look at things. Our lives are so busy we forget to be grateful for the small bad things that make us stop. Most things that happen do make us stop. Slow down. It’s ok to smell flowers in the flower dept. as you go by. It’s ok to just sit at a coffee shop and watch the people walk by. Everything that has happened to you has made you the person you are today. It’s also the character of you as to how you handled that happenings. It’s also about who you put into your life. Happy people will always make you feel good about yourself and your life they will encourage you and be happy for you when life is going great. But when life is down these happy people will share their happiness. By that I mean they won’t just walk away. Now I haven’t meet these people yet. But I am looking for them and by my search for them I am still putting myself around happy people. I know they exist I have faith in this. And I know the ones that don’t abandon you are out there they are and I am going to hunt them down. Yup it happy season. 

you know I would never know how wonderful roses smell if I didn’t know how bad the fertilizer smelled. 

hope your all having a happy day

Today is a thank you to the friends I have meet on here. 

see I have been on this site for about a year and half I think. And I just made two very special women on here also subs. We have exchanged thoughts, tears and they have been through one very large anxiety attack. Which they said was very validated. 
the thing about this blog is that I am seeing that it is very important for subs or maybe it’s true for Doms also to have others of their dynamics to talk to. They can encourage us listen to us they understand what our craving is about what our desire is. We seem to be able to know the feeling that they are feeling. I know we all have friends that maybe don’t share this dynamic lifestyle. And those friends are wonderful they are amazing and some of them are better than blood itself. I know I have two I feel that way about. But the two friends I meet on here are priceless. They are special and intelligent and funny and even if they weren’t I’d still love them. 

they have made me feel wanted. Which for me is very large. I’ve never felt wanted or loved or like I fit in anywhere and they have done this. They have made want to try. Hence why my profile is still up instead of being deleted. 

we all need to feel wanted loved and I am hoping I am giving that feeling to them as much as they have giving to me. 

love you guys and this site 

So I have rules I live by. I raised my children by them. And I am going to share them with you and explain why breaking them is soooo bad. here we go folks. 

unspoken rule: DTA don’t trust anyone. I don’t think I need to explain this it is very simple. 
1: don’t get stolen
2: live life with no regrets. If you will regret not doing it, or saying it in 10 year then do it say it. Even if it means jail. And your willing to take the consequences with it. IF NOT then don’t do it. 
3: not on my watch: 

4: If it comes between you me and JAIL I will throw you under the bus. I’ll bail you out after but I cannot go to jail I just can’t. 
5: it’s all about the LOVE. 
6: don’t get involved. 

now you see I broke three of these today. I have cried for almost 3 hours now and not sure how much longer I will continue to do so. Probably till at least till next Thursday or Friday. I have never been so scared in my life. And I’ve had my ass handed to me for 26 years. Literally. That didn’t even scare me as much as this did. 
I know I have no experience in this lifestyle. I know I don’t know how everyone expresses themselves. What I do know is if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck then it’s more than likely a DUCK. In other words it is what it is. And in this case not a great idea. I feel like omg I really have no words for how I’m feeling. I’m lost I’m unsure of anything right now and like I need to restart my whole BDSM lifestyle that hasn’t even gotten off the ground yet. To the person that wrote that blog. I live in a turtle shell. It’s safe warm and very comforting. It’s small and it’s pink and it doesn’t have much stuff. But what it does have is love compassion. I try and hide both of these but today you brought me out and  I showed my ass and how truly stupid I am. How maybe I am a waste of time and how useless I really am. After leaving an abuse of 26 year long marriage I thought time would make his voice go away. But thank you I now know he was right I am stupid gullible navie. And I am not worthy of ever finding or getting or receive if love. He was right I am these things. I am all of them and I need to just be grateful for oxygen. I pray that all works out and you have the time of your life. I hope you enough strength to do your thing. I wish you enough love in your life. I wish you enough skin on your body because I think your going to need it. I wish you always have the wind at your back. I wish you enough of everything you need in life to accomplish all that you set your mind to. But for me I think I am not granted enough of anything to do anything or ever find love compassion or physical touch. But today you made me feel. I felt panicked scared lost stupid unworthy unreliable unhelpful and just unenogh. I think I just made the last word in that last sentence up but oh well. I’m still crying but I do have to say thank you. My first coming out BDSM coining our party was a complete disaster. And maybe... i don’t know I’m at a loss.  

So as I sit and read some of the wonderful blogs on here. “By the way thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with all of us”. I was thinking how wonderful it is that I have found this site. I mean I may not blog everyday. I don’t always have something to say, or I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. But I can go on here and read others blogs and somehow they hit the just right button of how I am feeling. And the blogger puts it in just the right words. So then I got to thinking about a Facebook post that I posted a couple of years ago. 
see I was cleaning out my Facebook and I was deleting people that don’t have anything to do with my life. They didn’t send prayers or just smiles or thumbs up on any of my posts. But then I got to thinking maybe it isn’t about me. Maybe it is about them. Maybe they need my smiley face or my thumbs up. Maybe they need my prayers. Maybe they are going though a bad time while I’m going through a bad time and they can’t handle it as well as I can. Maybe it’s not about me maybe it’s about giving to others. So I stopped and left everyone on there yup my whole 63 people. 
then reading some of the blogs today “thank you by the way” I was reading about something’s that were very well written and it was just how I felt. Then reading the comments helped me see I am not alone. I am not weird. I am not crazy. I am not dumb. I am not the only one. I am always trying to make everyone else happy I work very hard on it and sometimes I get sad. I am always alone and I don’t really have any friends I have three and they are all out of state. My kids are all out of state. So I can’t just pick up the phone and call someone and say let’s do lunch or let’s go get pedicures. So I work and then I work a second job so I am not alone and feeling lonely. I have taken two days off to do something for myself and also get a good workout in. But anyway feeling lonely and alone comes to another question as to how do we handle the omg someone is talking to me without babbling on and on about stuff that doesn’t matter. But that’s a blog that’s already been written. Well I hope you all have a great day. 

love you all