We agreed that it is O/our desire to have more than one female serving Him as O/our household. Not common, I know. I don’t speak in the context of a “poly” household… it is a “harem”… yes, a very dirty word in this way of life. It has taken me quite some journey to not feel ashamed of wanting this. It always catches judgement on the tendrils of the BDSM community online, and I’ve come to accept that that’s simply something I can’t control, nor am I going to give it any more energy or focus than is necessary. Those who are genuinely curious will learn for themselves, and those who simply want to judge will always judge regardless of what I share. So… c’est la vie.
He’s kind of been looking, but not really. Not to the point of anything becoming real. A girl here and there almost turned to meets, but they always fell through for some reason… none quite compatible. Everything is on the table. Whilst I’m not privy to their private exchanges and conversations, I know that if I ask, He will show me (I don’t ask), however, He always tells me of the girls He’s speaking with, the general way in which the conversation is going, and shows me their profile.
Last night everything shifted. He showed me her profile and my heart sank. They are super, super compatible. Like, in every way. Not only that… I know she meets so many of His preferences. There was a pang… a panic that slowly arose somewhere deep in my soul. It didn’t feel like jealousy. It felt like loss. I realised that despite the hard work and effort W/we have put in to building this beautiful thing W/we have together, there are some things that simply can’t be overcome. And fate or serendipity or just the basic *rightness* of two people, is something that no amount of anything can “artificially” create.
I stalked her profile for about an hour, looking at all of her activity, words, pictures… just to get a “vibe.” And the conclusion was the same… she is perfect for Him.
Fuck.
I really, really, really didn’t want to face it. But I knew if I didn’t I would just slowly retreat and push Him away until there was a good enough reason for me to say “see? we won’t work.” Basically, I could feel myself pulling my running shoes down off the shelf.
I don’t know about you, but having to face myself as not being enough, is super horribly difficult. Soul shattering actually. I realised that I go above and beyond because I truly do not want to see that at times, as I am, and even *who I am*, is not enough. Under the right circumstances, we all fall short. And I simply can’t believe that any person is so important that we should overlook the realistic and important aspects. Also, there is absolutely no way that I could consider myself more important than someone finding their happiness. So I had to sit with the realisation that no matter what, I can never be everything. Something I thought I had accepted… yet clearly, had not really, on a deep level of understanding and acceptance.
Sitting in the discomfort and simply observing what was there with curiosity, something strange occurred. I realised that it’s ok.
It is perfectly ok for me to not be the “right” one. Or the “everything” one. (Ouch, poor ego). I also realised that I would sure as hell not stand in front of the possibility of them finding each other… regardless of how much it might end in the possibility of a broken heart. I simply could not live with the selfishness of that.
After realising this, I brought it to Him. Bared my fears. Took my running shoes off, and instead, opened my heart to show Him what was going on. I’m tired of trying to control outcomes in life. I will control the things I can… me and my thoughts and feelings, and how I share that and myself and my fears and vulnerability with others… more specifically, Him. I made a promise to give Him all of me, and will keep that promise for as long as it is necessary. By being brave enough to open that doorway, it allowed U/us to talk and connect in a new way, and even have a laugh about the situation. I love Him with all my heart. That means His happiness is important to me.
Releasing my fears brought with it the realisation that I am who I have always thought. It showed that if given the chance, I do love the way I thought I did. It may seem super one-sided, but it really, truly isn’t. He gives me a safe space to be able to face these fears in myself, and to be able to bring them to Him, and to be able to grow in the ways W/we both know I want to. These are the places that nourish my soul in a way that I had hoped, but had no idea of how that may occur. With each step, W/we set each other free in ways unimagined.
This will be hard. Of that I’ve no doubt. Change is hard. The fears are still there, however, at least they’re no longer hidden in dark places. We have looked at them and spoken to them. I trust Him. What happens from here, I don’t know…
