Dancing in darkness and solitude

It's strange how the one person you fought for and sacrificed for the most, and time after time again devoted all of your energy, means and capabilities, based every decision on the commitment made to them, should be the very same one that pushes you away and keeps telling you to let go and change. Not knowing or realizing as they do this that it means cutting the very rope that they themselves have been holding onto and which will lead to their being left behind to their own devices as you continue without them.

I've been ready for this change for a very long time, been craving and waiting and biding my time. It was never a question of the change coming about the question was always about the rope and the person at the other end of it, but not anymore. This new year is about breaking old cycles, letting go of past and negatives and fully embrace all the parts of me that have been set aside so long and neglected, all the carefully put away pieces that others shied away from or didn't approve of. No more holding back for the sake of others or for the right time, no putting things on hold because something else needs to be done for someone else. For the first time in my life things are going to start being for me, about me and what I want. It's time for self in every sense of the word.

Here's to what I'll make sure is a kick ass year full of fun, wonderful madness and most enjoyable mayhem in the best of ways!

Happy 2021 all <3 

I just want to send out warm bubbles filled with happiness and gratitude to my wonderful cage friends and soul family that have found me this past year, it's been a crazy one but I've had so many amazing people find me and bring such light and joy to my life, I am really and truly blessed ??? to all the patient kind and loving ones who have reached out to check in on me in my hermit mode despite my falling completely off the radar???. 

To have beautiful majestic and inspiring dragons giving guidance and support and shining their wonderful hearts on their beautiful journey together, to amazing and wise wolves who give their mindful, spirited and encouraging and ancient wisdom in various arts and areas. To the awesome spirited vixens who encourage dancing, joyfulness and fully embracing oneself while shaking biscuits and loving life??☺️. And of course poppa the kitten whisperer with his jovial nature and squirrly antics, you gotta love farmyard mayhem???and last but most certainly never least my amazing, elegant, kind hearted and amazing mama Grey Eyes who has touched my heart and soothed my soul so many times in so many ways (and lives ???) ? I wish and pray you all receive joy and love 10 fold what you give and many oceans more as well! ???☺️?. To amazing friends and soul family! THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF MY LIFE AND JOURNEY!! 

Yes I know it's ultra girly and cliche but I just can't get over the music video it's gorgeous and I love the song ?❤️?

And this one next for a little inspiration, I was like DAMN!! Then I was like WOW, then I was like THAT is pure FREEDOM (and then just a teensy bit of what have I been doing with my life ???)

And this one because it's awesome and always makes me want to dance ?

Enjoy and hope a few smiles about ❤️?

There's a lot to be said for and about the Prodigal child. The problem is that when everything always falls to them and they keep pushing, trying...fighting with no respite or end in sight how do they hold things together and not allow everything to drown them.

It's common logic, everyone no matter how strong or independent, intelligent or courageous needs to take a break every now and then. Pacing oneself and ensuring that self care is amongst the top priorities sounds so easy. But it's a whole different story when this isn't something you've actually been taught and are clueless about. And then get lectured on endlessly by those around you especially when many of these failed to show or guide you prior to this before and now suddenly seem to want to prioritize. When you've always been pushed to try harder, do more, ignore the discomfort or uneasiness because ....needs to be done. And somehow you are the only one who can do it, it all just becomes a long list of non negotiables and tasks that need to be accomplished and achieved. For others.

I have learnt to step back, to steady my breath and take time for me. Give space for me, take my time and say no or maybe later instead. Still fighting off the constant guilt of not always being able, because when I was willing things inevitably got pushed too far and those driving failed to take note or accept when disagreement was voiced. This is how I learned to put my foot down. This is why I learnt to walk away, and put things in their place, this is where I will choose to from here on make my own decisions regardless of the discord and turbulence caused by it.

Because if I didn't start clearly no one else had before now stepped up to lessen the load or resolve the issues. Which is why I am now at the point of being so drained and depleted, so emotionally detached and distant that it feels at times I am barely even here.

So little by little piece by piece I put a stop to these things and started correcting the errors and flaws as they came, I put up barriers and boundaries and called out the things that didn't sit right or agree with my internal self and began to realign my balance. 

The result of this has been a slow and deep resurfacing of past, melding into current and washing up memories and feelings I never even realized were there before, and like most other's I'm sure this has been a time of deep reflection and some deep heavy recovery from many a twisted thought and memory. 

Now I need to figure out the best ways to grow and care for me. The will is there, the energy for now is not. It's so strange to see parts of yourself unravelling, seeing the raw and unfiltered bits and embracing them all, yet at the same time seeing others respond to them with less than stellar enthusiasm or like. As though something distasteful or disturbing is now before them and they’re uneasy around me because of it. I have often been told that I'm wonderful, amazing, caring, sweet kind-the list can go on and on. But yet there is to the darker sides of me that I know and accept. The bitchy heartless cold side that is cold and calculating, the emotionless part that picks things apart and analyzes them and puts them back together in bigger and more intricate pieces. This is the part others shy away from and where most of the problems and fights start. Yet none of the fights are from me, yet about me as soon as I stop being the prodigal "nice" child.

I guess in the end the best way to start would be one teeny tiny little step and build from there, so a list maybe and get the ball rolling from there...All I know if the mind is truly fascinating and its a wonder to watch how the subconscious tries to manipulate and out maneuver.

So we all know toxic people are no good for you. Cut them out, walk away and do what's best for you no matter how much it hurts or how bad it is, am I right?

Sound advice, done my fair share of this and would in most regards say I've become pretty adept at it, for all intents and purposes a pro in fact. In all instances except one, perhaps the most important one of all.

What happens when the toxic person in your life is YOU and you have no way of letting yourself go?
I consider myself to be an extremely strong person. Intelligent, kind hearted, in many ways a great person (sounds conceited yes I know but honestly this is feedback I've received from many and most of you who know me would I hope in most ways agree).

I don't balk from hard work or a challenge, always do more than anyone else I know, I kick ass in most things and strive to do my best with everything I set my hand to no matter the task. I take great pride in my work and accomplishments, yet I do not feel accomplished or as though I have achieved much in my time.

I seem to have inherently developed some coping mechanisms, habits, way of life, persona...whatever you wish to call it, that keeps me in the same set cycle of...nothingness. Empty, drained, deplete and standing still, even when I move forward and make progress it seems I'm always right back in the same place.
Time and again I have set things in motion to stop the cycle, break the chains and reforge habits, yet every time without fail the results come right back again, to a part of me that I do not recognize, and do not wish to know.

Because deep down I KNOW I am truly capable of so much better, so SO very much more, yet at the same time it's like I'm a shadow unable to open the door. I can't move past it, can't go through it, just drifting through the light and the dark.

Logically I know a large part of all of this stemmed from survival. Self preservation can be a powerful and all consuming thing, but what happens when it takes the SELF away and nothing remains but the preservation. The need to fix and help and solve and serve, for others.

It sounds bizarre but if it's something for me it holds no value, is of no consequence.

Put another in the place of me and I will move mountains to achieve the impossible, and ensure that what needs to be done is accomplished in the best way possible.

I know in a large way this is just the burnt out me that's still recovering, learning to function and cope in a different way, to see things from another perspective and viewpoint.

But the part that really scares me is when I become indifferent, because I know where that's led me before.

Just some jumbled up thoughts that have been going through my mind, hope you all being safe and sharing love and joy in abundance ??

It's a very surreal feeling when you break a trigger and it not longer affects you. And when you can step back in the face of repeated cycles and not get caught up in them, not get weighed down by them. Not allow yourself to get drawn in or react to emotional baiting. In a way it's actually a little scary, the eery calm and emotional detachment to something that before literally made your entire world quiver and shake and your very breath freeze in your lungs. It's a little sad, and still emotionally draining, but to realize that the hold is no longer there, that the power has shifted and how much I have grown. It is indeed surreal. Moving past things and letting go to cleanse the soul, definitely time to move on from this. 

Today is a VERY special day of wonder, joy and celebration!! <3

All the faeries gather in great delight

A magical, beautiful gorgeous soul was born on this very special of specialist days <3

Mama Grey Eyes, beautiful graceful and so full of love and joy 😄 <3

The path was set for a new adventure 

there would be countless delights on the way!! 

Much dancing and merriment will be celebrated on this fine evening

With much dancing and enjoyment

I truly wish, hope and pray this is the best birthday yet, sending ALL my love in rainbow kisses and hugs, we will be having a grand tea party our side (teddies and I :D, kitty only gets milk 😜 )

You are an amazing, gentle sweet loving soul and I am so happy and blessed to know you <3 <3 <3