Dancing in darkness and solitude

I've never been much one for anger, I've always felt like it's something that's not supposed to be let out or shown. 

Having been disciplined as a child that expressing anger, disagreement or doubts was not allowed and if done in front of "others" would be punishable time and again.

If you ignore it enough it sort of goes away, hides deep down inside and becomes a kind of armor. A way to get some breathing space, the numbness settles in like a second skin and embraces you like no other.

Eventually you're so used to holding back, not giving in to it, you no longer know what it actually feels like to be angry. Little things spike you here and there but you keep it all locked up tight. Nothing sets you off because most walk away when they see signs of something stirring, and leave well enough alone. 

But over time your patience changes, you no longer accept the negative energy around you or allow things you did before. It makes you brutal, ruthless. 

And you start to slip away, to see things that you always knew were there but never really wanted to believe. Because somehow you hoped that you meant more than that. Because you know deep down you deserved more than that. 

And you know the time has come and gone, time to cut it away. 

Till what was left of you slips away, washed off in the memories. 

This is what I always give to others, what I always seek yet never seem to find in return. 

I've heard time and again that you get what you give but I gave up that sentiment long ago because that's definitely proved to be false in my life so far. 

Still really awesome songs and a reason to hold onto a small glimmer of hope... 

Trusting the wrong people to do the right thing. Takes a long time to really understand that not everyone has your best interests at heart, and even the ones that might won't necessarily look out for you. And that when you get resistance or conflict to a situation most times it actually has nothing to do with you but that the other party does not want to let go of perceived control in a situation.

Limiting and controlling you, always keeping you on hold while you wait for things that never come. Because you want to believe them, want to accept them and hope that they know what they're talking about. That they can actually do what they said and it's not just empty words or promises.

And then when you finally realize that this is not the truth of things and reality rarely works that way, you've already given so much and gone so far that you're running on fumes, drifting along and trying your best to balance. To stop and recalibrate, and shift the odds back into your favor, regain control of your life and decisions.

All I ever wanted was enough. Nothing special or fancy or over the top, just simple. Enough to get by on comfortably. Enough to take care of me and mine without having to constantly battle just to get by. Without crazy work hours and constantly being on the go. Never stopping because there is just no time for it. To live on fast forward most of your life is a scary and crazy thing, because once that's the norm you have nothing else to go on, nothing else to turn to. Coping with things only goes so far and there are only so may hours you can work extra jobs, so many nights you can cut out sleep and so many ways you can gloss things over saying that they don't matter till you get to the point where they don't. Where the differences no longer register and everything just fades into the background, White noise, constant buzzing that never stops and never lets you get ahead or break even. And the worst part is you know it's not just you. You're not even half as bad as some and a whole lot better than others. But even those small little things don't really seem like a blip on the radar, just a pebble in a great big ocean of life. A grain of sand in a desert, as you battle thought after thought, demon after infinite demon trying to find your way. 

Enough to be able to breath easy. A nice house for my mom, and someplace with a big garden for me. Animals around, be able to do my hobbies, pottering here and there just relaxed, happy and carefree. No riches or diamonds, no fancy sports cars or glitzy vacations. Just the ones I love well taken care of and to be able to help others when opportunity presents itself. Seems so far that has not been the way of things, so clearly I'm not being specific enough in my wants to be able to make them a reality. Or maybe I'm still just too hung up on waiting for others to do their part or be on their way. Between fighting them and yourself to make the best decision it's a crazy ride that's for sure. Just need to figure out how to work smarter and make it worthwhile. Time to start doing whatever it takes to get to where I want to be. 

I've heard of this before and find it fascinating, intriguing and also kind of explains a lot lol! 

W.I.F.M

Popular acronym and a great indicator of how the human mind usually operates in todays world and what most people are after, whether they'll admit it or not. I've read many posts recently where people mention Fetlife and how much different the Cage is to it, I've had many people try to tell me this too and sell me on the idea of it. I was on Fet very briefly before I discovered the Cage and for me the best I can compare it to is that on Fet it's all about sex. In your face, revel in it, dive right in unadulterated SEX. It oozes and leaps out at you in most everything on there, I've not seen a single part of it that does not in some way involve or revolve around it- I know that's the point of the site and I'm not complaining or being negative here but in the end it's all about visual, chasing and teasing-the in your face pussy and cock for lack of a better term. If that's what you're after then I'm super happy you've found it and you're into that kind of thing.

It just doesn't work that way with me is all. I'm not particularly into porn, for me visual is a minor blip on my radar and doesn't play a huge role in my experience and wants within BDSM. I'm sure that with the right person and in time those things would happen on their own and it would all be part of a wonderful and amazing experience, but truthfully that's not what I'm after.

I want the mental, the mind. The emotional bond, connection and stimulation that I've found (albeit only in increments but it's all good :D) here within the Cage community. I was immediately drawn in when I got here, it was like something just clicked and came alive. I feel like this is a lively and wonderful vibrant place I have found that allows me to just be me, without any worries or restrictions and where I'm able to meet amazing people, learn so very much and find deeper meaning and understanding of myself in so many wicked and wonderful ways.

For me it HAS and most likely WILL ALWAYS be about the brain behind the body, the mind and mental instead of the physical. I am a strange combination of Alpha submissive, some Liddle, lots Sapiosexual, completely Demisexual, extremely pansexual. I am a proud Bibliophile and love nothing more than learning, exploring and trying new things.

Now back to my original point of W.I.F.M. What's in It For Me?

Now as a naturally submissive person and a nurturer/caretaker at heart most of my life has not revolved around this, it's just not been my thing. I'm happiest when I'm looking after others, doing things that are for another's wellbeing and being of use/service. That being said this had led me to a lot of wonderful experiences in life but it has also in many ways made it very difficult in relationships and trying to find a Dominant I feel is worthy of my submission. Over the last few years I've begun to completely change things in my life, it's been a huge overhaul and a long journey (far from over to be sure) and much of this brings to light that I need to start taking much better care of myself.

Because up till now my life hasn't been about me or what I get out of it, and I'm not being a victim or feeling sorry for myself I am simply acknowledging that I need to do for myself just as much and MORE than I do for others because it's way overdue and because self neglect and lack of self care bleed over into all other aspects too. If I can't care for myself I won't be of any use to others in the long run, and most certainly not to my Dominant either, it all comes to balance and that is something I've been needing to find for a while.

Now to the crux of it all. The bulk of the conversations with "Doms" I've had primarily focus on the visual. The pictures and looks before anything else. It's like looking at the cover of a book to decide if it's worth reading or not, and I truly feel sorry for those who never take the time to read a book just because they don't like the picture on the front of it.

What do I gain by showing yet another "Dom" pictures of me yet again, what's in it for ME? How does whether or not I'm attractive enough to appeal to your physical tastes long enough to hold your attention while you chase other woman (and yes we all know there are other woman, it's a given).

There are endless pictures and videos and other woman freely available to give you what you're after in person or digitally, what on earth makes me so different-so "special" that my doing the exact same thing singles me out or raises my worth and value in your eyes?

Please explain to me how giving in and indulging YOU has anything in it for ME? Because it seems like this being our first interaction its about you, and that you're not looking at it from my perspective and at least getting to know me more to see if there's even a chance for connection.

Because without a potential for emotional connection you could be the most gorgeous man on the face of this planet and it would do diddly squat for me, yet you could be a beast in others eyes and if you've touched my heart the rest is yours. And likewise I could be the woman of your dreams but again if there is no bond there it's like trying to farm on salted land, nothing will grow.

I recall working with an older man, he was easily double my age at the time and he had a wonderful personality. We joked and played, had a good chemistry between us even though he was older than my actual Father. I had just done it for the first time with a douche of a guy that didn't make much time or effort, I was 26 and I'm sure he didn't really believe that I was still a virgin at the time (honestly I had thought I'd broken my own virginity a long time ago, long story for another blog-so imagine my surprise when I saw the blood on his sheets), and low and behold it was a one time thing. And I only even tried with this guy because I was curious about what all the fuss was, why everyone seemed to be so crazy about sex. Then I decided to try experimenting with this older guy, and I'll admit it was fun even though he was older and it was virtually my first time. And even though we both tried many times and many things, he could not get me to come. (Another story for another blog).

But the reason I'm mentioning him now is because this is a person I spent much time with, getting to know, worked with and saw constantly. And then he was gone for a long time traveling for work. And when he returned I was genuinely surprised to realize and see that he actually had tons of scars and marks on his face. I will assume it was from acne or an accident, either way it didn't make a difference to me, and I know given the texture and look of them they were many years old. But somehow I had just never "seen" them before, they were never something I was conscious of, because we had already built up an emotional bond and connection, and the physical was blurred and in many ways just a technicality.

The same thing happened with my ex-husband. The best and longest relationship I've ever had. We met at my place of work, it was Festive season and I was in work mode, I don't really recall meeting him so much as helping him look for certain products (I was in sales at the time) and then him asking me after we were done if I was single. Which really took me by surprise at the time and my default response would normally have been no, but for some reason something about him just made me reconsider and I told him that I was, and he then asked for my number, which I to this day deeply respect and admire him for. I didn't give him my number at the time because my phone didn't work, but he did track me down by using his till slip with my name and surname to track me down on Facebook at the time (clever guy, gotta love the effort <3). We then spent the next few months getting to know one another by (after I got my phone fixed), and when I eventually met him again I just remember seeing this guy walk towards me and he has this HUGE nose (he's Greek 😜 ) and I'm just thinking oh lordy is this him?! I had absolutely no recollection of how he actually looked before, and yet again he touched my mind, and we bonded became best friend, which led to FWB and then eventually a 6 year relationship that didn't work out sadly as he was not Dominant and it was not meant to be. But he is still my greatest friend and we look out for one another even now, and I don't even notice the big nose :D.

Now you may be thinking if you've gotten this far in damn this girl is crazy no wonder she's still single, but I might point out that right now technically so are (most of) you, so clearly you're here for a reason and all I'm saying is I have enjoyed many MANY books, regardless of what I thought of their cover (literally and figuratively) and each time the most surprising ones were not best loved for their cover.

Thank you for reading and best of luck with those books! 😄

I gave up eating black grapes ages ago because they always left a bitter taste and a chalky feeling that I quite disliked, same goes for certain types of pears as well, too grainy with a weird after taste. 

I find myself however delightfully enjoying some wonderful black grapes because let's face it in covi times beggars can't be choosers and my fruit intake has been woeful of late, so I begrudgingly at the time decided to endure the bitterness for the health benefits and was very pleasantly surprised. Weird thing to blog about I know but I'm trying to find lots of reasons to be grateful and indeed celebrate, even if it is being wrong about not enjoying black grapes ??☺️. 

Just goes to show I'm stubborn enough to prove even myself wrong??? and just because you didn't like something then doesn't mean you won't like it if you try it again. I pride myself on being flexible (oh gosh something just cracked!!) and open to new things. 

Oh and even when I'm wrong I'm right ???

*On a side note I am very sure there are indeed some black grapes that would indeed leave said bitter chalky taste, as I know some red/purple ones have too in the past. 

All I can say is considering that I'm allergic to onions, cilantro/coriander and fluoride of all things (yes really weird combination I know ??) at least I know I tried! 

And enjoyed some wonderful fruity treats as a results ????. 

Hope its an awesome day, be safe and try to at least pretend to be sane ???❤️

Self

We often hear people talk about Self care. Self love. Self worth. We all know wonderful people in our lives and on our journey that try to help us understand this more, that try to shine light on ways to be more gentle and nurturing to our self and others. These people touch you and create what I like to call tiny sparks, that light up almost like happy little fireflies and begin flittering around inside of us, a seed that has been watered and is growing baby roots, reaching toward the light and trying to grow beautiful and strong. They encourage us to embrace all our thoughts, feelings and emotions and without hesitation or impatience, with no reason other than trusting their own instincts and inner selves they show us so many different ways we can begin our on journey towards fully embracing, engaging and attaining a higher, richer and more vibrant part of ourselves as we strive to become the person we wish we could be.

Yet it never ceases to amaze me how the brightest, strongest, wisest and most beautiful of these souls seem to be the ones who have fought hand tooth, emotional nail and claw their way out of the darkest places, how much suffering and inner turmoil these people I have personally come across have all been through. Don't get me wrong I'm not in any way saying that other people don't go through things, I'm a firm believer that everyone has their own personal demons that they fight with through their lives, but without fail I have time and again seen that the ones who have had the hardest times, are most often the ones that hit back the hardest, and shine the brightest, because they use that darkness to let their inner light explode like a beacon and light their journey forward, while in many ways guiding those around them to safety, letting them know they are not alone.

I have noticed a sad thing these past few days, some of my dearest and most wonderful spirit family feel uncomfortable at being told they are beautiful. They have an inherent disbelief in their own beauty, wonder and amazing selves and yet these very same people more often than not are the very ones who help and guide others in this exact same way.

One could argue that a sense of modesty has in many ways in instilled in a persons nature since birth. It is thought to be prideful or arrogant to think highly of oneself or have a strong opinion of self worth. Yet there is such a thin line between arrogance and confidence, between being assertive and overbearing...too often these things are drilled into us in negative and harmful ways that are often not even seen or understood.

So these next few weeks (or months or however long it takes!) for me will be focusing on the following topics:

Self Abuse may refer to:

Self-harm, the intentional, direct injuring of one's own body without suicidal intentions
Self-destructive behaviour, patterns of behaviour to inflict metaphorical or literal harm on oneself
Self-inflicted wound, harming oneself without psychological problems but to take advantage of being injured
A euphemism for masturbation

Self Denial may refer to:

(related but different from self-abnegation[1] or self-sacrifice) is an act of letting go of the self as with altruistic abstinence – the willingness to forgo personal pleasures or undergo personal trials in the pursuit of the increased good of another.[2] Various religions and cultures take differing views of self-denial, some considering it a positive trait and others considering it a negative one. According to some Protestants, self-denial is considered a superhuman virtue only obtainable through Jesus.[3] Some critics of self-denial suggest that self-denial can lead to self-hatred

Self Discrimination:

The practice or habit of discriminating against oneself; being too hard upon oneself.

Self Debasement:

The act or process of lowering oneself in status, esteem, quality, or character : the act or process of debasing oneself humility bordering on self-debasement.

I will be writing blogs on each of these topics and analyzing each one separately, noting ways I have seen them play a part in my own life or in situations or circumstances involving others. I feel this is a much needed step for me at this time to become more intrinsically conscious of ways they may negatively be holding me back or impacting my growth. I invite others to do the same and I am hoping this might help create an awareness of something some might overlook without even realizing it.

And now back to the amazing (uncomfortable and disbelieving) wonderful little lights in my life, I ask one simple question:

Does a flower question it's beauty? Is a sunset beautiful because of anything it says or does? Does the moon waxing and waning impact how wonderful and amazing it is in any way shape or form? I personally believe that a thing of beauty simply IS because it exists, and I remind myself daily to be grateful and thankful for all the gorgeous, wondrous and brilliant lights I see flickering and blazing all around me.

You in your wonderful self as YOU...you are naturally, authentically and wholly beautiful because it is YOU. There is not another you in this entire UNIVERSE! Sit and think of that for a moment, never before and never again will there EVER be another YOU. For all the good and bad in life, everything that has come and will still be. You are completely, utterly, indisputably YOU <3

Sending positive love, energy and wishes to all and hoping it's a blessed day!

*Disclaimer: Please don't think this is me being negative or seeking attention, this is purely my sorting thoughts and voicing my experiences to gain some insight/perspective.  

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I often sit and wonder how much of an impact male figures have in my life, or should I rather say a lack of male figures would be a more apt description. People often chalk up insecurities with men as Daddy issues and write off anything else associated with it as acting out or attention seeking, I know I myself have seen many females go to extreme lengths for male approval or attention because they lacked a suitable role model or father figure in their life. Many would ascribe that most Littles, Middles or Brats have deep seated Daddy Issues and are a great part of their intricate behaviors.

I can neither deny or confirm that to be the case in my life personally, I can tell you what I know about me and how the men in my life have impacted it in ways both great and small. I can tell you that my most favorite childhood memory is that of my father tucking me carrying my on his shoulders, or in a fireman's hold or how whenever he was actually home he would tuck me in at night, without fail, just so from head to toe, under my chin, stuffie beside me so the monsters couldn't get me. And every time I got out of bed he'd have to repeat the same process all over again.

I can also tell you that sadly these are the only good memories I have of him in my life.

Growing up with an abusive narcissistic is a strange and hard thing. There is always a shadow over everything, a cloud that clings like smoke and coats everything it comes across. It distorts things and changes ones perspective, gives false perception and can easily lead to one's demise if you don't leave the smoke in time. It can cause a great deal of trouble and damage even to those lucky enough to escape it.

I can truly say that I have had very few men that I can look up to that have not in some way or another tainted or tarnished things for me in inappropriate, volatile, aggressive, lewd and more often than not completely self serving ways.

I cannot say this of my brothers, nor my uncles nor my grandfathers. I cannot say this of my ex husband, very few of my male friends fall into a positive category either, and sadly my inner demons are all to happy to remind me that this may indeed only be because they've not yet had a chance to show these colors to me yet.

It comes to me in a very real and alarming realization that it's really and truly becoming a rare and hard thing to find a man I can actually look up to. 

So I ask my self and my demons if I'm maybe being too harsh. Too critical in my assessments, and yet in the most primal and relative ways I can bring myself to think of the answer keeps echoing In a resounding no. It's not the little things that create the smoke, because until a spark takes and the flame catches there can be no fire. 

Consistency and commitment have always been high on my priory list, and all the men who have failed in my eyes have in many drastic ways neglected these things.

What do I view as a man that I could look up to?

Someone who takes charges, fixes problems and leads by example as well as their word. Who create a safe space, for comfort and understanding, freedom to grow and learn while making mistakes without it being a crime or a sin to err nor something to be damned over. A man who practices patience and nurtures, teachers and guides with a firm yet gentle hand.

Not perfection, not even a superhero. Just someone who is there, shows up and for the most part does the right thing. Instead of waiting for someone else to, or standing there watching me step up when they don't or won't. Someone who gets things done and makes things happen instead of makes excuses or leaves things hanging. 

So is it just my poor luck to have not had such men in my life? Is there a reason they are so few and far in between...I don't know the answer to that, I could only begin to fathom and guess. I know rationally that the men who could not be these things in my life were in ways missing them from their lives as well, you can hardly do/teach/give what you yourself don't have, and this makes me mourn the loss of what could have been even more keenly. Because so often I hear others rave about their wonderful ..... who had such a great impact on their lives and quite often those role models were men that provided steady, reliable and fundamental foundations for them to learn and grow from. If you had/ve such a person in your life I would truly love to hear how they impacted your life and what you feel you gained by knowing them. 

The results of my encounters with most men leads me not to place of not wanting anything from a man which is both a wonderful and dangerous place to be because when you're coming from a place of want and not coming from a place of need it changes so so much. And I truly cannot recall the last time I ever needed a man in my life. 

It's truly strange thought to know that you are happier alone than with someone else in your life. Not because you are not lonely or do not value companionship, but because there is something missing from the mixtures you've come across that fail to complete the combination and bring about a worthwhile result, because no matter how you view it, it takes an incredibly special person to make you WANT to change and commit and compromise, accommodate...bend to their will.

Like a recipe for bread or a perfect soufflé, if you don't have the right ingredients it will not rise, nor will it provide the enjoyment and delight that a true masterpiece can bring. That being said even with the right ingredients, if the correct methods are not followed the results may still be the same regardless. Not enough of something, too much or the incorrect of amount of time or strokes can make a master chef's perfect creation flop, and this is intricately more true in dealings of the heart and in relation to other people.

With BDSM in many ways this is simplified and can be easily delineated, there are many things that help one to fine tune and learn, grow, adapt to become that which their heart and inner being draws them to. In many ways experience can help as well as hinder, a Veteran sees ghosts and memories in every shadow, treads cautiously for fear of landing in a puddle or stepping into a deep chasm that swallows them up as they stumble head first into a hidden hole. For the novice everything is bright and shiny new, full of promise, hope and excitement. Yes every rose has it's thorns, every sunrise ends in a sunset and for every rainbow there has been a storm. Learning to manage these things despite of or in some cases embracing them and use them to grow and enrich self are for me some very important steps and lessons I revisit as things change and time trickles by.

I admire the master dancers as I see them twist and weave, I myself know I cannot dance as them but I also know that a true master could help weave me about just as he would someone who has been dancing all their life, and awaken in me something that answers his passion-if I can allow myself to let go, he can lead us both in a wondrous dance that makes spirits soar, giving me freedom and making me come alive in ways I've never felt before.

But for this to happen I need to let go and allow him to lead, allow myself to let go and take control. And herein lies the true dilemma, because there is a balance that always need to be maintained and one cannot simply give without a return, there is no power over another without relinquishing of control. In order for me to follow your lead I need to know your step is sure, and in order to read your movements and let the movements flow I need to be able to relax with you and be comfortable enough in my trust of you that you will guide us both as needed without allowing me to fall if I stumble. And there will be many a stumble this I know for sure.

In my time of actively seeking a Dominant I can only count three times I had strongly considered being collared, and of the three only one would have moved forward if the opportunity presented itself, alas distance as always became a deciding factor and that flame died out before it could take hold. It is a thing of beauty, to have one that is worthy of such a thing would be valuable beyond measure and delight to no end, which is why I am more than content to carry on alone rather than settling for less than my perfect soufflé.  

So I applaud and admire all the adorable dancers with their amazing partners and watch, learn, grow in case I one day find such master that could be my own.