Once you are made REAL

YEARS ago now W/we attended a really excellent workshop entitled Trauma and the incoming slave. In it the presenters used different wording to discuss something I've talked about often; learned truths. These are thought processes which you arent consciously aware of necessarily. You find them in picking apart and examining behaviors. The behaviors reveal truths you deeply hold and act upon without being consciously aware. The subconscious part is important. You shouldn't be punished (imho) for something which you ace completely unaware of. Seek to become aware YES. Have it pointed out YES. Once it is pointed out, actively work on dealing with it YES... but it's really not fair to be held responsible for things which you are blind to. 

The important thing to note also is the "truth" part. These things are so powerful as to influence your behavior because, to you, to your past, they are exactly that... TRUTH. Things that have borne out as causational in past relationships, and you've accepted them on some level. We accept gravity as true, so this truth influences our actions and decision making every moment of every day. We don't stop to contemplate the effect of gravity, or if we are considering it... it's a truth, it's a fact of our awareness on a deep and unconscious level. No, I'm not going to put my coffee cup on that edge of the counter. I don't need to think or rationalize why... GRAVITY. 

For the month MstrJ and I have been living on the edge of that countertop edge. We are doing everything we can to keep moving and functioning. We've actually had amazing moments of closeness and success. There is a lifetime goal that W/we are working towards, that W/we have discussed... and the way He brought it up recently was really deeply impactful in positive ways. He has spoken to my mom about my safety, and done what He can to reassure her. His family has on occasion reached out to me to check on me, and see how O/our daughter is getting along. He has tried to keep my spirits up, and has even stepped up to take over control of an area of my life that was really causing me a massive amount of stress. As winter has set in, we have more time. We have spent that time reconnecting in wonderful meaningful ways. 

Last night, however, I came face to face with the fact that I've been letting one of those learned truths influence my behavior in unfair ways, ways that are contrary to O/our dynamic, ways that were totally unfair to Him. He has not blamed me. He is not angry with me, or disappointed (and He would have every right to be!) Instead He completely understands where this "learned Truth" comes from, and W/we are going to work at unlearning it. 

I am his slave. I am His girl. I'm a lot of things... and He gives me a lot of room to handle life because right now my life is literally halfway around the globe. It doesnt WORK to wait until He gives me permission to eat.... because everything up to and including very unreliable internet and power conspires. Being a reasonable and good Master means giving me a way to sort out life on the regular within agreed upon parameters. He sets those parameters, and I move within them, knowing that that is obedience, and that is where "good girl" is. .......

There are days we have all day, 24 hours together.... there are WEEKS when we have all day 24 hours together... but there are also days and weeks where we wave and say "I love you" and run our separate directions. Me being mom and teacher and homemaker and Him being provider and employee (hopefully foreman really soon 😉 ) and homeowner and son etc. That's good and right. As a result thought there are days when I dont have the luxury of time to check in face to face. and THAT's the excuse. The justification which covers a fear. The fear born of a learned truth. 

PAST: 

My aunt dropped me off at the sidewalk at age 5 when she thought my mom was dying and left me to deal with it. 

My mom's friends left me when they thought she was dying... and I was left alone when she was being unintentionally OD'd on pain meds because the stupid pharmacy screwed up the conversions...

My dad walked out because "handicapped wasnt in his marriage vows" 

Various D types in the past: "Do you think I come here for this stress? Do you think when I log on here I want to handle your shit?" "Handle your own problems or I will release you." "I give you exactly one job and you cant even manage to get that right." "If I come out of this I will do everything I can to never wind up in this situation again, so I sure as hell won't have the time to put up with your problems atop that." .... etc etc etc etc etc ... oh, my favorite was telling me that I asked him to hold my emotional trashbag... and he was a pen with no more ink left in it. *thumbs up*. 

Now, when you hear stuff like that from one person, ok, you can let it go... but when you hear it over and over again then there is this addage that says maybe you're the problem? So that's the truth I internalized. If I do that whole transparency and complete honesty thing and share all the shit in my life, I'll be too much for the person I'm with. They will not want to put up with my shit, and they will get tired of me and leave, and that's my fault because I'm unreasonable or wrong for the way I share. 

I meet MstrJ and He has NEVER done anything to make me believe that He would be that way... He has always asked me to be honest. He has ALWAYS been right there with me toeing the line with me against whatever I'm facing. He has seen me through every last little bit of it... and for years I've been very transparent about all of the good the bad and the stressful I'm facing............ until this month. 

This month I've NOT been transparent. This month I held a LOT back. I did not withhold anything out of fear of angering Him. I did not do anything wrong that I was hiding. I did not hold anything back because I believed that I'd be in trouble.... I was afraid that it was all too fucking much. 

I'm literally in physical danger every minute of every day. 

My world is on the brink of very possibly Armageddon and that's not an exaggeration. 

My country is in a financial freefall, and I've been completely stripped of any semblance of financial capability to *anything*. To everything I've prided myself on <<< fuck that hurts. 

I'm a social pariah here because of a stance I took as a gut reaction, and while I shared the situation, I did not share the continuing and spiraling fallout. 

My friends have abandoned me, and in many cases have shunned me or outright disowned me. 

I'm a target for mockery and abuse, threats and everything else. 

Our child has had to face some fallout from it too, though I've worked HARD to shield her as best I can. 

I've been sick, she's been sick... and it's just one thing atop another with no break or pause. 

So what have I done? Put on a brave face. I held my head up, out on a smile, greeted Him, spent wonderful positive time together, and tried to push on through. What I did not do is tell Him how afraid I've been. How hurt I've been. How much I'm struggling in every single area from friends to work to feeling unsafe... I did not tell him the continuing consequences of that situation. I should have. I SHOULD HAVE. 

It was not because I don't trust Him. It's because of that learned truth, that I need help to unlearn. Those other people, they could not handle reality. They were not meant to handle my reality. They ran for the hills because it wasnt what they desired. I was not the slave for them. Thank God, because not a single one of them holds a damn candle to Him. He can, does, and will continue to desire to hold it all. To know it all. To support me and help me handle it all. He isn't swayed by the deep, hard, scary realities. He is not going to decide one day that he is "burned out" because He knows all that I offer and all that I'm worth, and that comes specifically because of all the stupid insanity I've been through and am still going through. He is not them. Those truths do not apply. Just because I KNOW that doesn't magically erase the fear and make changing my learned behavior a done thing. It's going to take time and effort... but I'm grateful for His understaning and forgiveness and patience with me. 

So for now, He's going to ask me explicitly and give me a time to unload all the bad shit that has hit the fan in the day, so I know that He wants to hear it... so that my fears don't get the better of me. So I know that in sharing I'm doing exactly what He wants, and I'm not just being a debbie downer. 

for the past:

To remember:

If I had the chance would I take any of it back? It's always darkest before the dawn. 

His slaveMikayla,

Thank You for all the ways You help me grow. Thank You for never making me feel like work. Thank You for your gentle patience. Thank You for being trustworthy and consistent. Thank You for holding me when I feel like I can't carry my own weight. Thank You for always reminding me of the worth You see. I am immeasurably grateful to You. 

Just a moment to share a *success*.

Right now in my world all things are in massive upheval. For a long time I've had it all together. In the past, when it wasn't all stable I faced a lot of anxiety. In the last three weeks Ive faced more opportunity for fear and anxiety than I've had since the beginning of Covid. However, today has brought a very big successful moment, too. 

I've been facing a major shift in how a specific situation in my country works. I'm a big problem solver, but I finally got to the point where I've exhausted every single option of how to "work the problem" and there is no working it. It's just unworkable. Let me clarify that I'm fine inside my own life. I'm 100% capable of sorting things where I am, but what I CANT do is sort things *outside* my own country. I can't do what I've prided myself on being able to do. The win here is this.... as soon as I became absolutely convinced that this is a problem I can't "work" or solve... I turned on my mic to MstrJ who was just laying down to sleep and I said: "So I know this is exactly not the time, and I'm not asking for an answer now... but I need to ask to edit one thing in our dynamic. I can't fix this. I cant change this. I don't know what to do or how to solve it. Can I hand it over to you?" He rolled over, opened both eyes and said: "And that's exactly what we do. Yes. As in all things, when it's not workable I'll set the priorities and we will continue to move forward." with an "ok" sign, and that was that. 

Does that mean I escape from responsibility over it? No. It means that I'm now responsible for communicating all sides of the issue. I'm responsible for continuing to look for solutions. Most importantly, I'm responsible for following through with the priorities He sets when He does. Now that I've handed over the prioritization for this, what that means is I don't take it back. It's not "hey can you sort this until it's easy" ... 

Thank you for allowing me to hand this one over and seek Your guidance when it's bigger than me. Thank You for letting me know I'm not alone. Thank You for being willing to hold things when they are too big. 

I'm grateful. 

~His slaveMikayla

DAYUM... now if he is actually managing any sort of control on landing those suckers I'm hella impressed. 

https://youtube.com/shorts/aO6UcCltRgE?si=_cv1ISEkBtpyTGtu

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/wNEVpGQQZb4

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/qvcRsAUSoaQ

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/AG3L5HPPA-c

Gosh I love just all of this. Allllll of itttttt.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/6rSbdHX_CWg

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5-hnE_QEI6I

mic drop... that is just... *standing o* if this is not hilarious to you... we would not get along. 

Hope this made you laugh today!

~His slaveMikayla

I've got a ton of work today so nothing deeper, but there are plans for tomorrow. <3 

One of the more interesting self discovery things for me is that my vulnerability exists and looks different to most people's apparently. 

It's something I'm just beginning to understand the effect of throughout my past. 

I'm neurologically different to the average Jane, as a result, how I process and interact with the world is different too. I am an open book on a ton of things. I have no issue sharing my past hurts, explaining my life, telling about my mistakes, and my "wins" ... my strengths and my flaws... none of these are any difficulty for me to share. 

I have never really understood why this makes people go a bit deer eyed and make comments about "brave" and "vulnerability." ... uh... no. No guys, that isn't brave at all, because it isnt HARD for me. I don't in any level understand WHY any of that should carry emotional weight to me. I don't in any level understand why sharing that should be hard or scary... and as a result *this is not vulnerability*<<<< for me.>>> Might be  <<< for you>>> but it isn't for me. At the same time, because it would be vulnerability for someone ELSE, if they are writing their own script they can 100% misunderstand me and feel like I've got some big deep lasting connection because !!!omg she shared this with ME! WOW! She must trust (replace with like/love) ME so much!!! 

... apparently this has been a huge issue throughout my life and I never understood or recognized it. 

This week yet ANOTHER person from my very distant past showed up for the 10th time trying to get back into my life. I'm not going to go into the admittedly creepy details of how this person has over the last 3 years created numerous fake profiles on various sites... even going so far as to try and convince a coworker to give him my #... unbeknownst to me I actually DID know him *drumroll* in 2007. .... the final *move* here was to send me screenshots of messages we exchanged literally 16 years ago.... Why in the hell is this person "stuck" on me that long ago???? 

Which brings me to a second important topic today: Hard limits. 

Those are really important things! Those are important to discuss from the get go! I applaud folks for knowing them and knowing themselves well enough to set them! GOOD JOB! Truly. Hurt happens when you don't realize something *is* a limit until you're too deep in to discover it, and then you're emotionally involved, and then there are all these entangled feelings which might sway your ability to "stay true to yourself" <<< or maybe that's just me. 

But has it ever happened to you that a "Hard Limit" ended up being because of past trauma, personal prejudice, misinformation, or unfounded fear? It has for me. I've written before about the purpose of limits for a slave. (I'll link the bigger post here, but the short version is they are caution cones to demarcate landmines and hidden dragons in the initial stages of an M/s relationship, until such time as the Master knows what those landmines and sleeping dragons are, and can navigate them or defuse them). In short, they aren't there to be 

They are more like the beach landmine scene from Last Man on Earth (sadly no clips exist apparently). 

So I'd like to tell you that when I met MstrJ I had a big ol gigantic OH HELL NO reaction to one thing. It was a "Hard Limit" for me.... and when I talked to Him, I told Him it would never ever change. I also took some time to reexamine my reasons, and yep... I was solid. But I really liked everything else about Him... so W/we kept on talking, and I found a way to set a limit which could respect my limit and respect His autonomy. "Don't engage in this thing while communicating with me. Be honest and open with me about it, and don't break my trust." Guess what? He could respect that! Awesome! As time went on W/we opened a dialogue about it. I wanted to understand more. A lot of hours over a lot of months were spent talking about it and I found out that some of my concerns were founded in lack of information. Some of my concerns were founded in expectations my family and religion had placed upon me. A lot of my concerns were due to past trauma from other relationships.. but none of my concerns had a single thing to do with Him. So I put my money where my mouth was and said.. ok... I don't KNOW how this thing impacts *you*... so no promises... but let me see if my concerns are valid. Time after time after time I gave it a shot to see if the fears I had held any truth as it came to HIM... and they did not. It took YEARS for me to completely abandon that as a hard limit *towards HIM*.... but I can tell you that that limit does not exist with regard to Him and Him alone. Anyone else, get lost, but for Him... there are a lot of things I wouldnt engage in with anyone else. Come near me with a violet wand, a knife, any form of fire, you want to put WHAT WHERE???? 

... but since when is HE *anybody*. Just a thought about growing relationships rather than assumptions. 

~His slaveMikayla 

One of the first songs He ever sent me

Taking a break for the needs series revisited to address something that has been on my mind today. This is not in response to a question directly asked of me, but rather as a response to a question from my own mind. It’s something I’ve not tried to put into words, but it would be good and right for me to do so. For myself, sometimes self-awareness is better achieved when I push myself to explain something in writing.

I am monogamous, it is something that I am very sure of. It is how I function best. My partner is not. He is ethically non-monogamous; that’s not the same thing as having an open relationship. It is something W/we have discussed throughout our relationship on a continuing basis. It’s not a once and done conversation. People change and grow, and it’s important to check back in with ourselves about our needs, desires, motivations, and priorities as those things can shift and change. So we talk about it. Throughout the course of our relationship I’ve moved from identifying as ENM myself, to being very comfortable in the fact that, nope, I’m monogamous. It just works that way for me. Throughout our relationship He has refined His wants and needs as they relate to this topic, and the thresholds of involvement He would need to be ETHICAL about it. Those are His to share, if He so desires.

So WHY would someone who is monogamous be in a relationship with someone who is ENM? Aren’t they just setting themselves up for negative feelings and disappointment? That’s what I’d like to write about today. I’m going to preface this by saying I’m only talking about myself. I’m not discussing anyone else’s feelings. I don’t claim that anyone else would agree. Honestly, I don’t discuss this with anyone else so I wouldn’t presume to know.

So I’ve got to start with why did I explore ENM for myself, have I ever been poly, and why do I consider myself monogamous now? I have actually been in a number of poly relationships of varying depth and commitment. At one point I was in a VERY serious poly relationship to the point W/we were looking for a house which would suit everyone’s needs. I’ve also been in very casual poly relationships where the intention was NEVER to move to real for real 24/7 life. The common factor in all of those relationships was that I was NOT the first or even primary partner. I was someone brought into the relationship to fill a very specific need or void. The primary partner was always aware and comfortable with my presence and involvement. I have never been in a poly relationship where I did not have direct communication with ALL partners to be sure of this. I have also always had a rule for MYSELF that if the primary relationship was in jeopardy; I’m out. Bye! I’m not a home wrecker, so fix y’alls issues. I’m not the baby born to save the marriage. The only one time that I did not follow that rule was emotionally devastating for all involved. That’s because I DID make that person my primary and sole relationship… so when the first relationship hit the rocks and he dropped me like a sack of potatoes it was really really detrimental.

In those relationships I was truly ENM. I had other relationships which folks were equally aware of and supportive of. Everything existed inside its own little box, and everyone was respectful of the various boundaries. At one time I had a husband, a Daddy, and a Sir. Was it complicated? Yup. Was it fulfilling? In its own way, sure! However, as I’ve grown I’ve also realized something about myself, I deeply desire to be “all in” and when I’m “all in” I can’t reasonably and ethically commit to more than one person. Someone will always fall by the wayside, and THAT is unethical. So I have come to the conclusion after much self reflection and self awareness that I, for myself, at this moment in my life and development am monogamous. It’s how I do relationships. Cool? Cool.

Now why in the world would I be with someone who is ENM? Why wouldn’t I “hold out for” someone’s equal full attention?

…. Because I don’t need to? Because I understand on a deep level that just because someone has love for, care for, responsibility for, desire for someone else has nothing to do with their ability to love, care for, hold responsibility for, and desire for me. Because I deeply completely understand that so long as my partner can be ethical in alllll of that, and is capable of truly filling my needs (NEEDS not wants, NEEDS) and prioritizing my NEEDS …. And if He is capable of doing that for someone else too (and truly meeting her needs, wants, desires, being responsible for and caring for her) then… why would I need to stand in the way?

I like friends. I’m a great friend. One of my greatest driving needs in life is to see my person happy. I do not have the need to be the only one to make Him happy. Actually, I think that’s shortsighted, but I also admit that that’s judgy. Maybe there are people who can be the forever and ever 100% be all and end all for someone with no other need to communicate with anyone else. Cool! I’m sure if we were stuck on a desert island We’d be more than happy too…. But we aren’t stuck on a desert island, and we both have lots of facets of our personality, so for me, I’m completely fine giving Him space to hold love, care, concern, responsibility, and desire for others… and it doesn’t hurt me one bit. Actually, it brings me peace! If I’ve got responsibilities to handle I’d rather NOT feel like I’m letting him down and he is bored out of his mind waiting for me. That’s a lot of pressure! “Hurry up! He’s waiting!” Nah, he has a full life. He loves when I’ve got my full attention on Him…. But at the same time, when I’ve got things to handle at home whether we are together or half a globe apart I know he is not annoyed sitting there looking at the clock.

I know for darn sure that when we have time together, he is prioritizing our time, because he values it every bit as much as I do. He shoes me every day that I am held (see the previous needs posts and those to come).

Would I feel “more” loved if He “picked only me?” … I dunno. I’m not going to lie and say that I do. But what I know is that I don’t need it. Because I don’t NEED it, then we get to prioritize His wants, and that’s a great thing. <3

Thank You for being trustworthy, open, honest, self aware, and above all respectful. <3

~His slaveMikayla.

PS... there are a slew of benefits to a Partner having another partner... but they completely and totally depend on the specifics of the situation. I wont go into it now, cause well... there isn't anyone else *yet*. I have hopes, but I don't get to or want to place my own thoughts on that, cause it ain't about me. What I CAN guarantee is that He would never be with someone who doesn't deeply comprehend all ^that. It's all about respect, care, and self awareness. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qm15xdZOxbk&pp=ygUjbm90aGluZyBpbiByZXR1cm4gYWxhbmlzIG1vcmlzc2V0dGU%3D

One of the things W/we have in common is the fact that without previous partners it seemed like there was just a constant cycle of being misunderstood. There is a special kind of frustration and shame that comes with constantly having to explain and reexplain yourself because you are constantly being misunderstood. It makes you feel crazy or less than, just inept. It really gets under your skin and into your head and heart. It's the quickest way to undermine your self confidence. I think this is where we BOTH were when we met. 

The relief and freedom that comes with finding someone who GETS you is hard to explain. I can't say that W/we have never had a disagreement, we have. We are human. We both have needs, wants, desires, and thoughts that are on RARE occasion contrary to the other, but I can say W/we have never had a fight. That's a totally foreign, but welcome experience. W/we acknowledge fairly regularly about how this relationship is vastly different to any other W/we have been in. How good it feels to learn "healthy". 

How does this relate to being "seen, heard, and understood?" 

Earlier today I read a post that in part said "things in life are hard, so I need to take a step back" and I made an audible sound at that. So let me say this clearly... THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT WHEN HIS EXISTENCE IN MY LIFE IS NOT DESIRED AND NEEDED. ... so am I. If He were to say those words "life is hard so I need to take a step back" .... that right there is abandonment. That right there is exactly what we are NOT about. He does not add stress or weight. He is not a "job" He is not stressful. His presence in my life is a blessing, a relief, an honor, He IS my safe place. Right now I should be anxiety ridden. I should be on the verge of a constant meltdown. I should be terrified. I should be just an absolute mess. I am not. There is not a damn thing he can DO to help me right now. There is not a damn thing he can do to protect me or take away things that should cause me fear... it is his existence that does. 

He understands what makes me tick, and he loves me for it. 

He knows what motivates me, and how to mold that motivation to guide me to be better for myself and for Him. 

He knows my heart, and he knows how to hold it. 

He hears what I say without the tint of his own *baggage*, and he knows to read it in the context of ME and all he knows of ME, and THAT is what prevents misunderstandings. 

He hears me, all I say and the words of my actions. 

He sees me. He sees my hurts, my fears (because I have shared them with nothing hidden or held back). He sees my hopes and dreams. He sees my needs and my wants... and He provides for all of them. He holds me in His heart and His hands all day every day, actively and passively. 

Today I found two things in my closet that made me smile... #1 a little bottle of the cologne we bought together when he was here and that He sent me home with and #2 an unopened jar of lavender Vicks which He brought for big girl and me. 

Thank you for all the ways You see and hear me. 

His slaveMikayla

~His slaveMikayla

always Faith

Just a quick aside before I get back to the bigger topics...

I was watching something just now and the following occurred to me: "This should be required viewing before dealing with me for literally everyone." It would make my life soooooo much easier. If they can grasp this, then they can grasp me, and all of the things that take soooo long to make them grok (and most never do) would just be understood. *le sigh* 

For me, it has to do with invisible neurodiversities. For others it may be much lighter material, like something super important to you, or a fandom that is just intergal to who you are, or something related to your sense of humor. 

So if you had a "Must see/read" before interacting with you, what would it be? 

For me, it's The Good Doctor S5E13 when he explains that at the end of the day he is socially burned out and DONE having to follow social norms and niceties which make NO sense at all. He is happy that his partner has a friend, it's good and right. She is welcome in their home, but she has to accept that he is *off the clock* with making her feel comfortable with his neurodiversity in his home. He is allowed to tell her his rules, she is required to respect them, and he is allowed to do what's right for him; including ignoring her. 

Now... what comes after it, and her insisuating he has bad manners annoys me to the end of time... but that's beside the point. 

I'm neurodiverse. When I have a meltdown it looks EXACTLY like his. I've sat in a corner and cried  exactly like he does. When I was a kid I made "nests" to sleep in, and I still very much LIKE to chill in a closet or small space, because the confinement makes me feel safe and comfortable. Following absolutely ridiculous social constructs and social norms which I do not understand, and I NEVER understand when I've broken them or how is exhausting. Walking on eggshells to make myself tolerable and understood by everyone else is exhausting. When I get home I'm VERY much done with everyone who can not just accept me and accept my diversity and my needs which I'm allowed to have as my inalienable right by existing on this planet. 

So if folks who worked with me could just watch Sean and have a tiny bit of comprehension about what he very relatably portrays, maybe they might see what I have to work VERY hard day in and day out to make palatable for them. 

So what's YOUR "required viewing/reading"? 

~His slaveMikayla

The second need that I identified was growth. I need to be able to grow beside and with my Person. I need my person to be a part of that journey. No, it shouldn't be all encompassing (yes, a slave retains individual personhood. I speak only for myself and my own path. This girl does not believe it healthy to erase the self. Some do. That's them, not me. For me, part of my slave heart means that I seek to be the very best version of me for my Person. It's a directed guided path, but it very much takes who I am at a core level into account.) Back to the point. For myself and my beliefs if a person or a couple stop growing then it's over; maybe not in the minute, but it is an eventuality rather than a possibility. Allowing it to be guided growth ensures that the couple grows in similar paths, and maintains and improves the relationship dynamic. His growth influences mine and informs it, but equally as often mine influences His (not directs or guides, but influences). THAT is healthy for U/us. 

I find deep satisfaction in growing together. This summer I spent a good portion of my time working in *preparing* the space for a garden next year at His/O/our home. Nothing has been planted. Not one single thing. When I arrived this year there were weeds EVERYWHERE. I mean the whole darn side plot was a mess, along the back alley, and the fence on the neighbor's side... and out the back window everything was weeds. There was growth, SURE...but it was not the desired kind. There are these three beautiful HUGE trees. I love them. No four. Four big huge amazing trees. They are strong and taller than the house! (Bear with me, there's a point) One of them is a huge pine tree in the front, and a giant blue Spruce in the back. They are amazing, I'd never ever get rid of them in a million years! However, they took up so much space, and they impeded the use of a very big part of the yard because they had never been pruned. Underneath them was just PILES upon PILES of needles. So one of the first things I did was spent time lifting their skirts, raising the bottom line of branches above fence height in the back, and in the front enough so the window in the front was clear,but it still provided privacy from street view. We can see out, but the street would struggle to see in. This pruning immediately changed the whole experience of the property. It added a ton of useable space to the yard, light into the basement, and ability to enjoy the view. The whole rest of the summer I enjoyed looking out and watching the birds hide under the Pine for shade. I cleared out the pine needles, and next year I will plant there. Someday there will be a bench under the Spruce in the back. 

The side yard I spent HOURS upon HOURS pulling out weeds on my knees, turning over the soil in my hands and breaking it up with a shovel to ensure that no sprouts remained... then covering it with landscaping fabric, and finally with help from his family we covered it with stones and took a useless area of the yard, an eyesore, and it is now a perfect carpad. I met so many neighbors who came over to acknowledge the work, and the improvement. Finally, HIS favorite good effort was the back alley. No one pays any attention to that area. It was this perfect line of weeds up to my knees. I did exactly the same as the side yard, taking time, pulling it all out, raking the big stones out, and all of the sticks, laying down a liner, and then per put the most beautiful stones out there. When it was done, we took a family photo. (We also redid the whole back fence by hand all of us together, but that's not part of this metaphor)... when it was done, His satisfaction was immense. We started intentionally walking out the back to the store, and returning that way. Every single time we came around the corner He made the same comment to the effect that that was damn good work. That His alley looked the best of the whole city. Despite His neighbors had a brand newish cedar fence on one side, and the other side has this very very expensive Vinyl fencing on the other side... but no one has cared for the growth... so from the inside it may be heaven in their yards, from the outside it doesn't compare. Next year there will be plantings there... some flowers that will be taller along the fence line, and a little shrubbery along the gate walk... it will be exquisite. 

The weeds and overgrowth were all living, and growing... they always will be, but it did not add value. It detracted. The weeds were not contained, and they took over the underlying beauty. They made areas of His space unusable. Every single person is growing every single day. Before He met me I had had 34 years of growth. A lot of that growth consisted of thorns, weeds, and areas that definitely impeded functional use. Just like His yard, a lot of time has been spent taming those areas of previous growth. Just like a yard that needs weed control on a yearly basis (dandelions are a fact of life) so too will we constantly find the remnants of past unhealthy growth that needs to be managed, only then can planting begin. Sure, He had a vision for where He wanted that garden to grow long before any true work began, and He was sewing the seeds all along, but it takes time and preparation before you can get to the joyous and fulfilling work of planting those vegetables and flowerbeds. That's the EASY part. 

I had a lot of weeds. I still do. I'm having to pause here to think of how I want to give a really good example or two. Sometimes I will come to Him and tell Him that I've found a thing I need to work on, and ask His help and guidance with it. Sometimes Life just puts it in front of U/us. Other times it is things that He sees "opportunistically" or organically that He can take advantage of. Then there is the part of Him that has the final Masterplan, that only He sees the seeds and the pruning of. I only get to notice when there are flowers appearing. I can speak to one of those. 

Some of the weeks I am working to kill along the fence are a type of milkweed that resembles celery! It's a nasty bugger! It can sprout from any single cutting. It's roots are DEEP! It snaps off just like celery, so it's really really hard to remove. Our neighbor just flat out gave up after two years. She said "screw it!" and spent THOUSANDS of dollars to build HUGE planter boxes over top and fill those with tons upon tons of new soil because she just couldn't beat that damn weed.... and guess what?! Within 1 year it had grown up around the boxes and is dropping itself right into those expensive boxes... through my fence... into our yard... and strangling her vegetables. Her "fix" didn't work. (true story) I, on the other hand expect it to take three more years to beat the bas****. My plan is working. It takes time and a looootttttt of sweat, but it is working. I dug up a line about a foot deep along the whole fence and pulled it all out... dug down as deep as I needed to pull the roots out, and turned all of the soul over in my hands, handful by handful. .... then a week later I did it all over again.... and again... and again. Next summer I'll do it all over again, but I will put liner down about a foot deep and only put the soil I've gone through by hand back into it... and I will keep at it all summer. Then, hopefully, by the next year I will be ready to plant. It is hard, and time intensive, and labor intensive... but it will be so fulfilling! I had one of those monster pervasive weeds too. Abandonment. If there is one constant in my life from the literal age of FOUR it is the following "I will always be left. I will be "too much" or "not enough"... whatever... whoever... it doesnt matter, No matter how good I am, or how hard I try.... Even now as I wrote that I started to cry. That weed is deep. It's not up to Him to "fix me" He can't. Neither can I. However what He can do is help me be on the lookout any time that weed pokes its head up and starts to grow to help hand me the shovel and root it out. At first it seemed impossible, I'm sure. I had a past relationship (scratch that, past relationships plural) tell me to fix my own sh**. Not that I ever asked their help, but I do not hide my struggles. No none was ever willing to do the work of standing beside me while I tried to root the weeds out, instead, like my neighbor they tried to build atop the weeds. 

Sometimes the ways he helps me tackle the weeds is really really REALLY subtle. It's that Masterplan that I don't even notice until a little flower peeks out. At one point this summer I sat on His lap and hugged His neck and told Him about one of the flowers I'd just noticed. Usually around the halfway point of the trip I start to feel anxious and sad about the end. I know it's coming and I stress about whether or not it will ALL end. It's one of those roots of abandonment... but this time it didn't happen (not until the VEEERRRRYYYY end, but it had nothing to do at all with abandonment, and everything to do with loss of time, affection, physicality, and connection. All very real things, not the roots of weeds) It took some self reflection to ask myself why was I not seeing that weed pop out, and it was in direct response to an action He had taken. He had found one of the VERY deepest roots, and it was completely gone. I hadn't even known it had BEEN a root... only in its absence, and the effect of its absence was it felt. 

He had taken care of a very real need of mine; to open a bank account there so that I could begin to save money for life there. He had done so on His day off, without my ever needing to ask. He had seen it, foreseen it, and provided for it. In so doing He had taken a very real step in making concrete strides towards O/our future. He had completely dug out one of the deepest roots of my abandonment weed (maybe more like 5 of them) all at once... and as a result He had silenced some of the loudest voices in my head from my past... 

This is just once example. He teaches and guides me every single day. He has taught me how to use my voice and have it be seen as passion and compassion rather than be misunderstood as anger. He has taught me more than I can express about acceptance of the self and other. He has been the most pristine example of self control... this man has the patience of a saint! He has taught me about conflict management and effective communication. He has helped enhance my self esteem and my confidence in myself as a parent, as a partner, and as a teacher. He has taught me to listen to my body, and to work with it rather than against it. In addition to all of the weeds He has helped tame. 

We don't go to workshops as much anymore, but I know there will be time someday. 

Thank You for being my constant and ever watchful Gardner, inspiration, guide, mentor, Maker, and Master. I know that there is still much work to do, thank You for all of Your time, energy, and thoughtful diligent effort. 

please listen to this first one...

~His slaveMikayla

When I first met my Master the very first thing He decided to tackle was my inability to accept appreciation. I didn't know how to accept other people's words as truth for a plethora of reasons...

I was too hurt... I didn't like myself very much... just a lot. 

We had talked about how in a previous very very abusive relationship I'd flat out broken down when the person said "I'm proud of you". I could hear and accept LOVE easily. "I love you" was easy. "I'm proud of you" damn near broke me. 

A different previous partner used to tell me on the regular that I needed to trust myself more as a parent. That was something I definitely did not do. I don't think he was telling me that because He trusted me as a parent, but rather because he was on his way out the door and didn't want to have to give a sh** anymore. 

So when MstrJ and I got down to business He decided that that was the first thing He needed and wanted to tackle with me. He has done an exceptionally good job at helping me walk past all of that. Past the inability to hear His words and accept them as true. Past my own self doubt and into reasonable judgment of the self. There are times I'm VERY proud of myself, there are times I am not. There are times I really adore myself, and there are times I let myself down. That's a reasonable rubric. 

Over a year ago now someone important suggested that I revisit my needs posts and explain or describe how MstrJ meets those, and I've sat down more times than I can count to do just that... but then I stop. I've never been sure WHY I stop... it just hasn't felt *right*. Today I believe I understand why. I didn't understand or hadnt settled on a purpose, on a noble intention. I was deeply uncomfortable with it. One part of me felt like it would come off badly as "showing off" or rubbing this relationship in people's faces. That's ugly. Another part of me just didn't see the point in doing it publicly. I speak my appreciation directly to Him every single day, in many ways; meaningful ways. Words are words, but actions mean so much more... so WHY write it here? What was the point in that? It came across my mind yet again today and a lightbulb went off *finally*. Just as it has taken me a very long time to "get good at" accepting words of affirmation, I also struggle sometimes with saying them meaningfully. I speak with my actions, with my time, with my care, YES I say them, but I place much lower value on the spoken words, but something I do know is that words of affirmation are actually one of His primary Love Languages. So as much as He took the time to help me accept His, I need to take the time to make that my meaningful purpose; to speak those words in meaningful ways not just in ways I'm personally comfortable. So here goes stepping into my own discomfort and let's hope I get a bit better at it. 

Time has always been a big need of mine. 

When we met I was very very hurt. I did not hide this. I had done a lot of work on myself to be able to come to a relationship from a place of healing, but bless that man for all He had to put up with. One of the first things He knew is that in my most recent very important relationship I'd experienced a lot of loss in regard to *time*. I'd watched the time I was given go from hours a day down to waiting for just 10 minutes a day. Constantly being "on call" and "on alert" so that I didn't miss my time. Then out of literally nowhere everything was abruptly cut off and I was once again *dropped*. A relationship prior to that had really ingrained a massive fear of abrupt abandonment. Multiple times I'd just woken up to "I'm gone" out of nowhere. I had no trust, really, and time was one indicator that I held on to. I needed to know that He was reliable, that He would make time intentionally for me, and that He would not disappear. One of the very first promises He made to me is that no matter what, in some form or another, He would see me *every single day*. I would see His face EVERY. SINGLE.DAY. .... and in over 3 years not a single day has passed that He has not kept that promise. 

At first it was just consistency that mattered. For sure we were in that honeymoon excited getting to know you stage where we could talk about new subjects every single day for 15 hours a day and be excited to do it all over again. It's that "getting to know you" ... but as the years have passed of course there is less and less to discover, but that hasnt made the time any less fun or desired or valuable. See, it isn't just *time* that He spends. It's how intentional and giving He is with His time. He makes U/us a priority, every. single. day. 

Over the years the time we spend varies by season (literal or metaphorical), but what has also changed is the motivation behind it. I am no longer afraid of losing time. Not because I take him for granted, or his time for granted... but because I have learned the hardest thing; to believe Him, believe in Him, and to rely on it. I KNOW that if W/we don't have much time today it isn't because He is bored, or annoyed, or looking elsewhere. I know it in my bones. I don't even have to question it. I KNOW He wants to spend time, but at the same time Time for U/us is also time handling family, and friends, and hobbies, and work... because all of those things are areas of life W/we share! When He is with family, He is saying "hi" for me, and sharing about what's going on in my world with them. When He is playing golf He is having a great time doing something W/we have made memories together with. 

W/we spend time with O/our little nuclear family just the three of U/us. I know too that that time is WANTED... this is another way He is different and exceptional. People before Him made me feel like my responsibility to my kiddo was something they had to "put up with" and that time with her was a burden. (reason why I did not like myself very much) I can't tell you how many times He PICKS family time, genuinely. How much it helps ME when He tells ME that it's good and right to prioritize that time either the three of U/us or she and I. 

His time is one of the greatest gifts He gives to me, and I can not begin to express my gratitude for that gift. 

~His slaveMikayla