Once you are made REAL

Anticipation is one of my favorite emotions in the world. 

I love to anticipate time. 

I love to anticipate events. 

I love to anticipate conversations. 

I love to anticipate... *fun*. 

I love to anticipate coming home to Him. 

...ticket is booked 70 days to go! 

now for the awesome weekend I'm anticipating when He wakes up! <3 

Time for some preparation in anticipation ;) 

~His slaveMikayla <3

Tomorrow will be three years. 

I don't miss her every single day anymore... just most days. 

I can't say that I think about it every single day.... just most days. 

It's not a sharp pain anymore... until I wish I could write her and tell her something, and then it is. 

It's not even a constant hole... just a scar that opens up on occasion. 

These days it's open more often. There is so much I wish she were here to share. There is so much she had to look forward to and will not ever have had. I'm glad she isn't here these days though, there would be so much pain and concern for her. 

Zombie Hugs to those who miss her too... and I'd really like one back. 

Missing my sister. 

~for today and this post; Faith

(His slaveMikayla)

YEARS ago now W/we attended a really excellent workshop entitled Trauma and the incoming slave. In it the presenters used different wording to discuss something I've talked about often; learned truths. These are thought processes which you arent consciously aware of necessarily. You find them in picking apart and examining behaviors. The behaviors reveal truths you deeply hold and act upon without being consciously aware. The subconscious part is important. You shouldn't be punished (imho) for something which you ace completely unaware of. Seek to become aware YES. Have it pointed out YES. Once it is pointed out, actively work on dealing with it YES... but it's really not fair to be held responsible for things which you are blind to. 

The important thing to note also is the "truth" part. These things are so powerful as to influence your behavior because, to you, to your past, they are exactly that... TRUTH. Things that have borne out as causational in past relationships, and you've accepted them on some level. We accept gravity as true, so this truth influences our actions and decision making every moment of every day. We don't stop to contemplate the effect of gravity, or if we are considering it... it's a truth, it's a fact of our awareness on a deep and unconscious level. No, I'm not going to put my coffee cup on that edge of the counter. I don't need to think or rationalize why... GRAVITY. 

For the month MstrJ and I have been living on the edge of that countertop edge. We are doing everything we can to keep moving and functioning. We've actually had amazing moments of closeness and success. There is a lifetime goal that W/we are working towards, that W/we have discussed... and the way He brought it up recently was really deeply impactful in positive ways. He has spoken to my mom about my safety, and done what He can to reassure her. His family has on occasion reached out to me to check on me, and see how O/our daughter is getting along. He has tried to keep my spirits up, and has even stepped up to take over control of an area of my life that was really causing me a massive amount of stress. As winter has set in, we have more time. We have spent that time reconnecting in wonderful meaningful ways. 

Last night, however, I came face to face with the fact that I've been letting one of those learned truths influence my behavior in unfair ways, ways that are contrary to O/our dynamic, ways that were totally unfair to Him. He has not blamed me. He is not angry with me, or disappointed (and He would have every right to be!) Instead He completely understands where this "learned Truth" comes from, and W/we are going to work at unlearning it. 

I am his slave. I am His girl. I'm a lot of things... and He gives me a lot of room to handle life because right now my life is literally halfway around the globe. It doesnt WORK to wait until He gives me permission to eat.... because everything up to and including very unreliable internet and power conspires. Being a reasonable and good Master means giving me a way to sort out life on the regular within agreed upon parameters. He sets those parameters, and I move within them, knowing that that is obedience, and that is where "good girl" is. .......

There are days we have all day, 24 hours together.... there are WEEKS when we have all day 24 hours together... but there are also days and weeks where we wave and say "I love you" and run our separate directions. Me being mom and teacher and homemaker and Him being provider and employee (hopefully foreman really soon 😉 ) and homeowner and son etc. That's good and right. As a result thought there are days when I dont have the luxury of time to check in face to face. and THAT's the excuse. The justification which covers a fear. The fear born of a learned truth. 

PAST: 

My aunt dropped me off at the sidewalk at age 5 when she thought my mom was dying and left me to deal with it. 

My mom's friends left me when they thought she was dying... and I was left alone when she was being unintentionally OD'd on pain meds because the stupid pharmacy screwed up the conversions...

My dad walked out because "handicapped wasnt in his marriage vows" 

Various D types in the past: "Do you think I come here for this stress? Do you think when I log on here I want to handle your shit?" "Handle your own problems or I will release you." "I give you exactly one job and you cant even manage to get that right." "If I come out of this I will do everything I can to never wind up in this situation again, so I sure as hell won't have the time to put up with your problems atop that." .... etc etc etc etc etc ... oh, my favorite was telling me that I asked him to hold my emotional trashbag... and he was a pen with no more ink left in it. *thumbs up*. 

Now, when you hear stuff like that from one person, ok, you can let it go... but when you hear it over and over again then there is this addage that says maybe you're the problem? So that's the truth I internalized. If I do that whole transparency and complete honesty thing and share all the shit in my life, I'll be too much for the person I'm with. They will not want to put up with my shit, and they will get tired of me and leave, and that's my fault because I'm unreasonable or wrong for the way I share. 

I meet MstrJ and He has NEVER done anything to make me believe that He would be that way... He has always asked me to be honest. He has ALWAYS been right there with me toeing the line with me against whatever I'm facing. He has seen me through every last little bit of it... and for years I've been very transparent about all of the good the bad and the stressful I'm facing............ until this month. 

This month I've NOT been transparent. This month I held a LOT back. I did not withhold anything out of fear of angering Him. I did not do anything wrong that I was hiding. I did not hold anything back because I believed that I'd be in trouble.... I was afraid that it was all too fucking much. 

I'm literally in physical danger every minute of every day. 

My world is on the brink of very possibly Armageddon and that's not an exaggeration. 

My country is in a financial freefall, and I've been completely stripped of any semblance of financial capability to *anything*. To everything I've prided myself on <<< fuck that hurts. 

I'm a social pariah here because of a stance I took as a gut reaction, and while I shared the situation, I did not share the continuing and spiraling fallout. 

My friends have abandoned me, and in many cases have shunned me or outright disowned me. 

I'm a target for mockery and abuse, threats and everything else. 

Our child has had to face some fallout from it too, though I've worked HARD to shield her as best I can. 

I've been sick, she's been sick... and it's just one thing atop another with no break or pause. 

So what have I done? Put on a brave face. I held my head up, out on a smile, greeted Him, spent wonderful positive time together, and tried to push on through. What I did not do is tell Him how afraid I've been. How hurt I've been. How much I'm struggling in every single area from friends to work to feeling unsafe... I did not tell him the continuing consequences of that situation. I should have. I SHOULD HAVE. 

It was not because I don't trust Him. It's because of that learned truth, that I need help to unlearn. Those other people, they could not handle reality. They were not meant to handle my reality. They ran for the hills because it wasnt what they desired. I was not the slave for them. Thank God, because not a single one of them holds a damn candle to Him. He can, does, and will continue to desire to hold it all. To know it all. To support me and help me handle it all. He isn't swayed by the deep, hard, scary realities. He is not going to decide one day that he is "burned out" because He knows all that I offer and all that I'm worth, and that comes specifically because of all the stupid insanity I've been through and am still going through. He is not them. Those truths do not apply. Just because I KNOW that doesn't magically erase the fear and make changing my learned behavior a done thing. It's going to take time and effort... but I'm grateful for His understaning and forgiveness and patience with me. 

So for now, He's going to ask me explicitly and give me a time to unload all the bad shit that has hit the fan in the day, so I know that He wants to hear it... so that my fears don't get the better of me. So I know that in sharing I'm doing exactly what He wants, and I'm not just being a debbie downer. 

for the past:

To remember:

If I had the chance would I take any of it back? It's always darkest before the dawn. 

His slaveMikayla,

Thank You for all the ways You help me grow. Thank You for never making me feel like work. Thank You for your gentle patience. Thank You for being trustworthy and consistent. Thank You for holding me when I feel like I can't carry my own weight. Thank You for always reminding me of the worth You see. I am immeasurably grateful to You. 

Just a moment to share a *success*.

Right now in my world all things are in massive upheval. For a long time I've had it all together. In the past, when it wasn't all stable I faced a lot of anxiety. In the last three weeks Ive faced more opportunity for fear and anxiety than I've had since the beginning of Covid. However, today has brought a very big successful moment, too. 

I've been facing a major shift in how a specific situation in my country works. I'm a big problem solver, but I finally got to the point where I've exhausted every single option of how to "work the problem" and there is no working it. It's just unworkable. Let me clarify that I'm fine inside my own life. I'm 100% capable of sorting things where I am, but what I CANT do is sort things *outside* my own country. I can't do what I've prided myself on being able to do. The win here is this.... as soon as I became absolutely convinced that this is a problem I can't "work" or solve... I turned on my mic to MstrJ who was just laying down to sleep and I said: "So I know this is exactly not the time, and I'm not asking for an answer now... but I need to ask to edit one thing in our dynamic. I can't fix this. I cant change this. I don't know what to do or how to solve it. Can I hand it over to you?" He rolled over, opened both eyes and said: "And that's exactly what we do. Yes. As in all things, when it's not workable I'll set the priorities and we will continue to move forward." with an "ok" sign, and that was that. 

Does that mean I escape from responsibility over it? No. It means that I'm now responsible for communicating all sides of the issue. I'm responsible for continuing to look for solutions. Most importantly, I'm responsible for following through with the priorities He sets when He does. Now that I've handed over the prioritization for this, what that means is I don't take it back. It's not "hey can you sort this until it's easy" ... 

Thank you for allowing me to hand this one over and seek Your guidance when it's bigger than me. Thank You for letting me know I'm not alone. Thank You for being willing to hold things when they are too big. 

I'm grateful. 

~His slaveMikayla

DAYUM... now if he is actually managing any sort of control on landing those suckers I'm hella impressed. 

https://youtube.com/shorts/aO6UcCltRgE?si=_cv1ISEkBtpyTGtu

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/wNEVpGQQZb4

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/qvcRsAUSoaQ

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/AG3L5HPPA-c

Gosh I love just all of this. Allllll of itttttt.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/6rSbdHX_CWg

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5-hnE_QEI6I

mic drop... that is just... *standing o* if this is not hilarious to you... we would not get along. 

Hope this made you laugh today!

~His slaveMikayla

I've got a ton of work today so nothing deeper, but there are plans for tomorrow. <3 

One of the more interesting self discovery things for me is that my vulnerability exists and looks different to most people's apparently. 

It's something I'm just beginning to understand the effect of throughout my past. 

I'm neurologically different to the average Jane, as a result, how I process and interact with the world is different too. I am an open book on a ton of things. I have no issue sharing my past hurts, explaining my life, telling about my mistakes, and my "wins" ... my strengths and my flaws... none of these are any difficulty for me to share. 

I have never really understood why this makes people go a bit deer eyed and make comments about "brave" and "vulnerability." ... uh... no. No guys, that isn't brave at all, because it isnt HARD for me. I don't in any level understand WHY any of that should carry emotional weight to me. I don't in any level understand why sharing that should be hard or scary... and as a result *this is not vulnerability*<<<< for me.>>> Might be  <<< for you>>> but it isn't for me. At the same time, because it would be vulnerability for someone ELSE, if they are writing their own script they can 100% misunderstand me and feel like I've got some big deep lasting connection because !!!omg she shared this with ME! WOW! She must trust (replace with like/love) ME so much!!! 

... apparently this has been a huge issue throughout my life and I never understood or recognized it. 

This week yet ANOTHER person from my very distant past showed up for the 10th time trying to get back into my life. I'm not going to go into the admittedly creepy details of how this person has over the last 3 years created numerous fake profiles on various sites... even going so far as to try and convince a coworker to give him my #... unbeknownst to me I actually DID know him *drumroll* in 2007. .... the final *move* here was to send me screenshots of messages we exchanged literally 16 years ago.... Why in the hell is this person "stuck" on me that long ago???? 

Which brings me to a second important topic today: Hard limits. 

Those are really important things! Those are important to discuss from the get go! I applaud folks for knowing them and knowing themselves well enough to set them! GOOD JOB! Truly. Hurt happens when you don't realize something *is* a limit until you're too deep in to discover it, and then you're emotionally involved, and then there are all these entangled feelings which might sway your ability to "stay true to yourself" <<< or maybe that's just me. 

But has it ever happened to you that a "Hard Limit" ended up being because of past trauma, personal prejudice, misinformation, or unfounded fear? It has for me. I've written before about the purpose of limits for a slave. (I'll link the bigger post here, but the short version is they are caution cones to demarcate landmines and hidden dragons in the initial stages of an M/s relationship, until such time as the Master knows what those landmines and sleeping dragons are, and can navigate them or defuse them). In short, they aren't there to be 

They are more like the beach landmine scene from Last Man on Earth (sadly no clips exist apparently). 

So I'd like to tell you that when I met MstrJ I had a big ol gigantic OH HELL NO reaction to one thing. It was a "Hard Limit" for me.... and when I talked to Him, I told Him it would never ever change. I also took some time to reexamine my reasons, and yep... I was solid. But I really liked everything else about Him... so W/we kept on talking, and I found a way to set a limit which could respect my limit and respect His autonomy. "Don't engage in this thing while communicating with me. Be honest and open with me about it, and don't break my trust." Guess what? He could respect that! Awesome! As time went on W/we opened a dialogue about it. I wanted to understand more. A lot of hours over a lot of months were spent talking about it and I found out that some of my concerns were founded in lack of information. Some of my concerns were founded in expectations my family and religion had placed upon me. A lot of my concerns were due to past trauma from other relationships.. but none of my concerns had a single thing to do with Him. So I put my money where my mouth was and said.. ok... I don't KNOW how this thing impacts *you*... so no promises... but let me see if my concerns are valid. Time after time after time I gave it a shot to see if the fears I had held any truth as it came to HIM... and they did not. It took YEARS for me to completely abandon that as a hard limit *towards HIM*.... but I can tell you that that limit does not exist with regard to Him and Him alone. Anyone else, get lost, but for Him... there are a lot of things I wouldnt engage in with anyone else. Come near me with a violet wand, a knife, any form of fire, you want to put WHAT WHERE???? 

... but since when is HE *anybody*. Just a thought about growing relationships rather than assumptions. 

~His slaveMikayla 

One of the first songs He ever sent me

Taking a break for the needs series revisited to address something that has been on my mind today. This is not in response to a question directly asked of me, but rather as a response to a question from my own mind. It’s something I’ve not tried to put into words, but it would be good and right for me to do so. For myself, sometimes self-awareness is better achieved when I push myself to explain something in writing.

I am monogamous, it is something that I am very sure of. It is how I function best. My partner is not. He is ethically non-monogamous; that’s not the same thing as having an open relationship. It is something W/we have discussed throughout our relationship on a continuing basis. It’s not a once and done conversation. People change and grow, and it’s important to check back in with ourselves about our needs, desires, motivations, and priorities as those things can shift and change. So we talk about it. Throughout the course of our relationship I’ve moved from identifying as ENM myself, to being very comfortable in the fact that, nope, I’m monogamous. It just works that way for me. Throughout our relationship He has refined His wants and needs as they relate to this topic, and the thresholds of involvement He would need to be ETHICAL about it. Those are His to share, if He so desires.

So WHY would someone who is monogamous be in a relationship with someone who is ENM? Aren’t they just setting themselves up for negative feelings and disappointment? That’s what I’d like to write about today. I’m going to preface this by saying I’m only talking about myself. I’m not discussing anyone else’s feelings. I don’t claim that anyone else would agree. Honestly, I don’t discuss this with anyone else so I wouldn’t presume to know.

So I’ve got to start with why did I explore ENM for myself, have I ever been poly, and why do I consider myself monogamous now? I have actually been in a number of poly relationships of varying depth and commitment. At one point I was in a VERY serious poly relationship to the point W/we were looking for a house which would suit everyone’s needs. I’ve also been in very casual poly relationships where the intention was NEVER to move to real for real 24/7 life. The common factor in all of those relationships was that I was NOT the first or even primary partner. I was someone brought into the relationship to fill a very specific need or void. The primary partner was always aware and comfortable with my presence and involvement. I have never been in a poly relationship where I did not have direct communication with ALL partners to be sure of this. I have also always had a rule for MYSELF that if the primary relationship was in jeopardy; I’m out. Bye! I’m not a home wrecker, so fix y’alls issues. I’m not the baby born to save the marriage. The only one time that I did not follow that rule was emotionally devastating for all involved. That’s because I DID make that person my primary and sole relationship… so when the first relationship hit the rocks and he dropped me like a sack of potatoes it was really really detrimental.

In those relationships I was truly ENM. I had other relationships which folks were equally aware of and supportive of. Everything existed inside its own little box, and everyone was respectful of the various boundaries. At one time I had a husband, a Daddy, and a Sir. Was it complicated? Yup. Was it fulfilling? In its own way, sure! However, as I’ve grown I’ve also realized something about myself, I deeply desire to be “all in” and when I’m “all in” I can’t reasonably and ethically commit to more than one person. Someone will always fall by the wayside, and THAT is unethical. So I have come to the conclusion after much self reflection and self awareness that I, for myself, at this moment in my life and development am monogamous. It’s how I do relationships. Cool? Cool.

Now why in the world would I be with someone who is ENM? Why wouldn’t I “hold out for” someone’s equal full attention?

…. Because I don’t need to? Because I understand on a deep level that just because someone has love for, care for, responsibility for, desire for someone else has nothing to do with their ability to love, care for, hold responsibility for, and desire for me. Because I deeply completely understand that so long as my partner can be ethical in alllll of that, and is capable of truly filling my needs (NEEDS not wants, NEEDS) and prioritizing my NEEDS …. And if He is capable of doing that for someone else too (and truly meeting her needs, wants, desires, being responsible for and caring for her) then… why would I need to stand in the way?

I like friends. I’m a great friend. One of my greatest driving needs in life is to see my person happy. I do not have the need to be the only one to make Him happy. Actually, I think that’s shortsighted, but I also admit that that’s judgy. Maybe there are people who can be the forever and ever 100% be all and end all for someone with no other need to communicate with anyone else. Cool! I’m sure if we were stuck on a desert island We’d be more than happy too…. But we aren’t stuck on a desert island, and we both have lots of facets of our personality, so for me, I’m completely fine giving Him space to hold love, care, concern, responsibility, and desire for others… and it doesn’t hurt me one bit. Actually, it brings me peace! If I’ve got responsibilities to handle I’d rather NOT feel like I’m letting him down and he is bored out of his mind waiting for me. That’s a lot of pressure! “Hurry up! He’s waiting!” Nah, he has a full life. He loves when I’ve got my full attention on Him…. But at the same time, when I’ve got things to handle at home whether we are together or half a globe apart I know he is not annoyed sitting there looking at the clock.

I know for darn sure that when we have time together, he is prioritizing our time, because he values it every bit as much as I do. He shoes me every day that I am held (see the previous needs posts and those to come).

Would I feel “more” loved if He “picked only me?” … I dunno. I’m not going to lie and say that I do. But what I know is that I don’t need it. Because I don’t NEED it, then we get to prioritize His wants, and that’s a great thing. <3

Thank You for being trustworthy, open, honest, self aware, and above all respectful. <3

~His slaveMikayla.

PS... there are a slew of benefits to a Partner having another partner... but they completely and totally depend on the specifics of the situation. I wont go into it now, cause well... there isn't anyone else *yet*. I have hopes, but I don't get to or want to place my own thoughts on that, cause it ain't about me. What I CAN guarantee is that He would never be with someone who doesn't deeply comprehend all ^that. It's all about respect, care, and self awareness. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qm15xdZOxbk&pp=ygUjbm90aGluZyBpbiByZXR1cm4gYWxhbmlzIG1vcmlzc2V0dGU%3D

One of the things W/we have in common is the fact that without previous partners it seemed like there was just a constant cycle of being misunderstood. There is a special kind of frustration and shame that comes with constantly having to explain and reexplain yourself because you are constantly being misunderstood. It makes you feel crazy or less than, just inept. It really gets under your skin and into your head and heart. It's the quickest way to undermine your self confidence. I think this is where we BOTH were when we met. 

The relief and freedom that comes with finding someone who GETS you is hard to explain. I can't say that W/we have never had a disagreement, we have. We are human. We both have needs, wants, desires, and thoughts that are on RARE occasion contrary to the other, but I can say W/we have never had a fight. That's a totally foreign, but welcome experience. W/we acknowledge fairly regularly about how this relationship is vastly different to any other W/we have been in. How good it feels to learn "healthy". 

How does this relate to being "seen, heard, and understood?" 

Earlier today I read a post that in part said "things in life are hard, so I need to take a step back" and I made an audible sound at that. So let me say this clearly... THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT WHEN HIS EXISTENCE IN MY LIFE IS NOT DESIRED AND NEEDED. ... so am I. If He were to say those words "life is hard so I need to take a step back" .... that right there is abandonment. That right there is exactly what we are NOT about. He does not add stress or weight. He is not a "job" He is not stressful. His presence in my life is a blessing, a relief, an honor, He IS my safe place. Right now I should be anxiety ridden. I should be on the verge of a constant meltdown. I should be terrified. I should be just an absolute mess. I am not. There is not a damn thing he can DO to help me right now. There is not a damn thing he can do to protect me or take away things that should cause me fear... it is his existence that does. 

He understands what makes me tick, and he loves me for it. 

He knows what motivates me, and how to mold that motivation to guide me to be better for myself and for Him. 

He knows my heart, and he knows how to hold it. 

He hears what I say without the tint of his own *baggage*, and he knows to read it in the context of ME and all he knows of ME, and THAT is what prevents misunderstandings. 

He hears me, all I say and the words of my actions. 

He sees me. He sees my hurts, my fears (because I have shared them with nothing hidden or held back). He sees my hopes and dreams. He sees my needs and my wants... and He provides for all of them. He holds me in His heart and His hands all day every day, actively and passively. 

Today I found two things in my closet that made me smile... #1 a little bottle of the cologne we bought together when he was here and that He sent me home with and #2 an unopened jar of lavender Vicks which He brought for big girl and me. 

Thank you for all the ways You see and hear me. 

His slaveMikayla

~His slaveMikayla

always Faith

Just a quick aside before I get back to the bigger topics...

I was watching something just now and the following occurred to me: "This should be required viewing before dealing with me for literally everyone." It would make my life soooooo much easier. If they can grasp this, then they can grasp me, and all of the things that take soooo long to make them grok (and most never do) would just be understood. *le sigh* 

For me, it has to do with invisible neurodiversities. For others it may be much lighter material, like something super important to you, or a fandom that is just intergal to who you are, or something related to your sense of humor. 

So if you had a "Must see/read" before interacting with you, what would it be? 

For me, it's The Good Doctor S5E13 when he explains that at the end of the day he is socially burned out and DONE having to follow social norms and niceties which make NO sense at all. He is happy that his partner has a friend, it's good and right. She is welcome in their home, but she has to accept that he is *off the clock* with making her feel comfortable with his neurodiversity in his home. He is allowed to tell her his rules, she is required to respect them, and he is allowed to do what's right for him; including ignoring her. 

Now... what comes after it, and her insisuating he has bad manners annoys me to the end of time... but that's beside the point. 

I'm neurodiverse. When I have a meltdown it looks EXACTLY like his. I've sat in a corner and cried  exactly like he does. When I was a kid I made "nests" to sleep in, and I still very much LIKE to chill in a closet or small space, because the confinement makes me feel safe and comfortable. Following absolutely ridiculous social constructs and social norms which I do not understand, and I NEVER understand when I've broken them or how is exhausting. Walking on eggshells to make myself tolerable and understood by everyone else is exhausting. When I get home I'm VERY much done with everyone who can not just accept me and accept my diversity and my needs which I'm allowed to have as my inalienable right by existing on this planet. 

So if folks who worked with me could just watch Sean and have a tiny bit of comprehension about what he very relatably portrays, maybe they might see what I have to work VERY hard day in and day out to make palatable for them. 

So what's YOUR "required viewing/reading"? 

~His slaveMikayla