Safe Haven

It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since I was active here. Covid came along and my business got busy, and my search had to take a back seat.

I was focusing my blog on issues relating to the D/s lifestyle as we age. It’s important to look ahead and adjust what we want and need and are capable of in this lifestyle. I hope to continue the discussion, since I’m making some of those adjustments myself. 

There are a LOT of people reading these blogs and posts who are at an age where they feel their worth and ability to be a sub or dom has passed, or who believe they’ll never find the one. Don’t give up. While you’re waiting, learn, speak up, work on yourself physically and emotionally, and don’t be afraid to add your voice to these discussions. 

MsHaven

D/s is about relationships--trust and communication. It is not always about love. It is not always about orgasms. But it should always include communication--frank, honest, potentially hurtful, potentially freeing and enlightening communication."

-Screamer

Labels are important things. Especially in this lifestyle, we often find it necessary to reevaluate how we describe ourselves to make it clear what we are interested in and looking for. 

I often cringe when the word ‘kink’ is used to describe one’s interests. Obviously, to many in the BDSM world, kink accurately describes what you do. But for others, especially those of us who are more on the D/s end of the spectrum, ‘kink’ just doesn’t fit. 

More modern labels have been added to the mix.  No longer just homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, we can expand that to pansexual, asexual, demisexual, sapiosexual, etc., and finding where you fit can be an eye-opener and narrow down the type of relationship you’re looking for  

I identify as a demisexual/sapiosexual domme, which clears up a lot of confusion when answering questions. What that means is I will not get involved in a sexual relationship with anyone unless there is an emotional attachment, and I find intelligence very attractive.  It doesn’t have to be love (as in my case, I’m not looking for romance;  I’m looking for devoted submission and service), but it does have to be based on trust and commitment, and it is a lengthy process  

This concept confuses a lot of people who can’t wrap their heads around the concept that a dominant often needs an emotional connection before the sexual attraction kicks in (and, in fact, for me, the act and gift of submission IS the attraction).  If you’re struggling in your search for a perfect fit, consider reevaluating your labels.

“Submission is selfless. Your pleasure derives from my pleasure. There is a vast difference between having a kink, and being a submissive.  I am NOT here to help you jerk off.  I am here to build D/s relationships based on connection, trust, and shared values.”

I agree 1000%. Submission begins between the ears, not between the legs. Obviously physical attraction is necessary, but what I find attractive in a submissive is their utter acceptance of surrender and submission without question, once trust is established. 

Have patience with everything

unresolved in your heart,

and try to love the questions

themselves

as if they were locked rooms

or books written in a very foreign language.

Do not search for the answers, which

could not be given to you now,

because you would not be able to live

them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the

future,

you will gradually,

without even noticing it, live your way

into the answer.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Ive been a member of the online BDSM community for decades, back as far as when yahoo had BDSM a-go-go chatrooms. I’ve walked away from online many times, out of sheer frustration. But I would never recommend walking away to anyone searching. You just have to find a good place to look  

I don’t recall how I found this place, but it’s pretty much a hidden gem that I wish more sincere people would find.  It’s much easier to weed the inappropriate crap out of my mailbox here.  And it’s great to be a part of intelligent conversation. 

So I’ve decided to stop looking elsewhere, build a nest here, become a permanent resident of this community, and hope more like minded people will find their way. Thanks to everyone who continues to make this a pleasant community. 

A sub who is collared or otherwise contracted or committed is technically the property of the dominant (at least in my House). I expect my property to be maintained to the best of its ability.  The sub starts following these guidelines even before consideration  

If a sub tells me they are overweight or out of shape, we design a better eating plan and choose appropriate activity. Weekly tai chi classes are required. (It is the best way to maintain balance and focus, especially as we get older.). Progress is journaled and proof provided. 

All regular and age appropriate medical appts must be kept, including primary care visits, vision, hearing, every 6 month dental, podiatry, and age appropriate tests such as colonoscopy and bone density, if needed. Adequate health insurance is required. 

Last will and testament and living will is required. (I am neither a representative nor a beneficiary.)

Healthy relationships are to be maintained with relatives, coworkers, friends, etc.  If there are rifts or dysfunction in the family, I will set up counseling. 

A physically and emotionally healthy sub is my main priority. 

The unattached, older submissive must focus on his/her health and emotional well being.  Be sure you are able to offer yourself in the best possible condition.

Hydrate

Eat healthier foods and take supplements

Go to regular doctor/dentist appointments

Stretch/walk/weight-bearing exercise

Learn a new skill that will benefit your future dominant

Recognize your worth as an older submissive

At the end of every day, review what you’ve done to grow and improve yourself for your future dominant. 

There isn't much discussion out there about growing older in the D/s dynamic, and there really needs to be.  Preparing for our senior years is important to everyone, but especially in the D/s or other alternative lifestyle for many reasons.  I'm not talking about the casual BDSM play or hookup.  I'm focusing on real relationships between D/s partners, and unattached D/s folks with a need to submit and who are or will be searching for someone as they get older.

Let's face facts.  Eventually we all will be elderly, less physically capable, and less physically "attractive."  If we’re in a committed relationship, reality is that eventually one partner will be left alone.  Whether we have partners or we are unattached,  we're faced with our aging body, health issues, our appearance, dependence on others, and how the "kink" fits in, if it still does.  We need to discuss with our partners how to renegotiate what we expect and what we need from the relationship.  And because a submissive often lives under another's control, it's important that a submissive is able to function and move on if something happens to their dominant. 

An unattached, aging sub will eventually question what they have to offer if they are no longer as physically able to serve as they once were.  Where are these older subs?  They're out there alone, reluctant to reach out, and embarrassed to offer themselves, often giving up without ever being able to serve, whatever their ability, partially because of the stereotypes.  Some are probably reading this right now. 

Many of these topics need to be considered and discussed at length.  Thoughts?  

When I was in my 30s and 40s, thoughts of how the D/s dynamic would be later in life never crossed my mind.  When you’re in a D/s marriage or committed relationship, it’s not such a big deal as both parties age together.  But when you’re an older dominant or submissive looking for a particular type of person, preconceived notions, assumptions, and judgments can make it difficult. My perspective as a dominant woman now, at the age of 64, is much different than it was 10 or 20 years ago, in a completely positive way.  I'll be blogging about some of these issues over the next weeks. Questions and comments will be warmly welcomed.