I wrote this several years ago, still so very true today, but as I get closer to finding me, I know I am so much closer to finding her ...
I do not know if I have met you yet, that part of my future still seems so cloudy and uncertain to me, yet it is a distinct possibility. I see glimpses of you everywhere, I can almost feel your breath upon my chest as I hold you in the night... in my dreams. But... I do know that I will keep searching for you until God takes me from this Earth, or until I find you. God, if you hear me as I rage against the dying of the light, my voice drowned by the raging storms of life, grant me this one request, bring to her this message of promise, this message of hope, and let her know I am coming..... I just don't know exactly when ...
Kinky, vanilla, hetero, same sex etc etc etc - the potential combinations of relationships is as varied as sands on the beach, yet all the same in some waya. Hollywood sends us one type of message, another was programmed into us by our experiences growing up, and even more by our experiences with relationships in general. And like a long running train, our baggage car gets more and more filled if we are not VERY careful!!
We take our shiny new dynamic, apply the lessons of our past, the curses of our parents, the expectations of society, and when we are done, we have managed to do to our shiny new dynamic what Tommy did to his sale in Tommy Boy, and being the masters of the universe that we are, we manage to drown it to death before it ever leaves the ground. Now it may not die right away, sometimes these poisons take time to seep into the soul of the innocent dynamic. So what are these things we need to make damn certain are NOT in our baggage car?
Fear - fear of the unknown and fear of the known, Judging our new friend by the sins of the past. A woman crossing her legs in public doesn't make her Sharon Stone. She wasn't trying to flash you, impress you, manipulate you (ok .. maybe), most likely she was ummm ... crossing her legs. Just because your ex crossed her legs when she cheated on you, doesn't make it a world wide sin. So when that little birdy whispers past life warnings in your ear, kick the shit out of it and throw it out the window.
SPEAKING OF ....
Nothin perplexes like your exes - This new person is NOT YOUR EX. So don't treat em like they are . period. I don't care what they do or say that somehow mimics your ex . get over it!!! Carry nothing, compare nothing!
Be Brave - Don't let your mind talk your heart out of a chance to be happy. What is your long term goal? Isolated loneliness? You gotta let somebody in man, at some point if you ever want to be happy again, you gotta let somebody in. Now I am not saying introduce yourself and profess your love, I am just sayin take your time, keep your options open, and ALLOW yourself to be loved by another.
In summary, yes, you can spend your life being miserable and alone. But a life shared is twice as rewarding as a life spent alone. Can I promise you that your happiness is around the corner? No, nobody can, and you are going to take some damage sorting through people and finding the right one, but take it easy man, take it slow, say yes to dating slow, and if it isnt right, get out and try again. They key is in trying, and not carrying baggage forward, Remember that ex you just cannot stand? Why let them ruin or even have any effect on your future happiness - be rid of them, and walk free,
Just like alot of you, I am still walking the road too, ever hopeful that someday I will have the True BDSM Dynamic.
Try as I may, I am far from perfect in this electronic world I find myself forced to participate in these days in search of the True Bdsm Dynamic. It is a difficult place to converse in, especially for an ENFJ such as myself. I have always had the benefit of using all of my senses when getting to know somebody, to read their body language, listen for changes in their voice, the touch of a hand, the true stories always told by the eyes. Is the laughter genuine or forced, and so many other things, but together, they always gave me a good picture, and I was able to temper my own output by reading how it was being received so as to never overpower the recipient.
So here I am now in this world, blind as a bat, doing my best to read between the lines, and never knowing how it is all being taken, Now, without tooting my own horn, let me tell you, I can be a bit overpowering of the ol senses, I can hit it pretty strong in the written word, and I'm willing to bet I've made more than one run for the hills by being so. But at the end of the day, that's who I am too, A monogamous hopeless romantic who counts on his instincts and intuition more than ever, feels strongly about matters of the heart and it's potentials, loves even stronger, and would put a Vulcan Mind meld on you in 20 seconds if he could so he would know you inside and out in an instant, then on with the dynamic! lol.
So in summary, the electronic world is a great place for information, but methinks it kinda sucks for getting to know people, especially those of us who rely on ALL of our senses when doing so. But, it's the world we live in, so all that is left is to adapt and do our best to cope with it all.
My incomplete heart detects your effervescent presence without any revelation of direction. Only that you are there, you exist, and like me, you yearn for completeness with all your being. The task to find you has been daunting to say the least. I search endlessly without success, We wait with the patience of Solomon to savor the tastes that await us within the fruit of Xanadu.
I do not know how to find you with any precision. Nor do I possess the knowledge of what to do to make you able to see me with your eyes. And so we must trust that fate and destiny will sit at our table and take a hand when the time is right. Perhaps we need to develop more, learn more, or be more open to accept each other. Whatever the requirements, we both wait patiently, our only security lying in the fact that we sense each other, we feel our heartbeats pounding through time and space with a singular, resounding, fully attuned beat.
Just trust my love, my future, my destiny .. I shall endeavor to persevere ......
~ Just another rambling letter to my future ... ID~
It's about what we don't see, are not sharp enough to pick up on, or are prevented from seeing by a master of illusion.
I recall a time just before the holiday season started in 2010. I had stopped at the convenience store to grab something or another, and ran across one of my oldest friends, a man I had known some 35 years. We stood and talked for a bit, laughed and joked like normal, I gave him some shit and he gave me some. We said we had to get together soon .. maybe play darts. pool, who cares! It was great to see him, he always brought sunshine wherever he went, and always did.
Two days later, he checked his son out of school early, dropped him off at his ex's house, told him he loved him and the boy went inside. Chris went home to his garage and committed suicide. I have been over and over that for the last 12 years, usually around the date of his death, and you know what... there were no signs. No indications of how troubled his soul was. No warning lights. We all learned later that his current wife had told him she was seeking a divorce, and was planning on leaving him broke and homeless. And it would come to pass. When hjis first marriage ended, he told her to take whatever she needed to be happy, luckily she was not an evil soul, but she took the lions share, and he never said a word. BUt this new wife ... She was "that" type - absolutely beautiful, until you got past the looks and found the monster - the one that, well.. And he would have allowed her to complete her task, he just didn't want to fight about it all I guess. I won't go into the events just that it is true.
So as we go through yet another holiday season, be kind to people, especially this time of year. There are alot of people out there, and I guarantee you in here as well, that are living in tempest in a snow globe. Looks like its snowing on the outside, but inside it's a tempest and they usually won't reach out, just like my friend. So show the people you interact with that this ol world ain't so bad a place, and help em feel its better with them in it. Rethink your own actions before you lash out at somebody in anger, regardless of the reason. Two songs follow, 1 for Chris, and 1 for you.
Just my 2 cents
~ID~
For Chris (I play it for him at least once per year)
I wrote this several years ago, and as each year passes in my search for the true dynamic, this song comes ever closer and closer to expressing how I feel about the search, and the story has some personal meaning to me as well, if only a fruitless hunt for a unicorn....... at any rate, please enjoy both my friends ....
Twas The Night Before Christmas - on the Cage
Twas the night before Christmas, just home from the pub, Not a creature was stirring, 'cept me and my sub, She was on our big toy, with love and with care, And I as her Dom, could not wait to be there;
Her bottom I'd paddled, now warm and so red, ;While release found in orgasm, screamed in her head. With my sub damn near naked, and me in my cap, I just settled her back down, for more swats on my lap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the dungeon to see what was the matter. from the side of the window, so no neighbor we’d flash, still rubbing her bottom, still warm as fresh ash,
The moon glancing off her, every curve it did show, I found myself grateful, and my heart was aglow, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. I glanced at the clock, midnight it did chime, We were up way too late, now we had no more time.
My wishes I’d asked for now raced through my mind, But we were not asleep, Santas here... in a bind. We were both well aware, if he saw us awake, No gifts would be left, our presents at stake!
We dashed for the bedroom, got there in a tick, But just too damn slow, racing good ol’ St. Nick. In a flash he appeared, standing there in the room, My hopes for this Christmas, were replaced now with gloom.
He’d caught us awake, now the presents were lost, But he just faintly smiled, we well knew the cost. My sub started weeping, laying there on the bed, Her eyes getting swollen, tear filled and red.
My Sir, please forgive me, she started to say, I fear I have failed you, and ruined this day. As her tears started running, across that sweet cheek, My heart started breaking, and I knew I must speak.
My love I replied, there’s no fault in you, This is not your doing, your heart is so true. Her act of devotion, this attempt to distract, My resolve it did strengthen, and I knew I must act.
Please Santa, I pleaded, it was not her fault, I kept her awake, tied up by the vault. She gives me so much, and asks for so little, Her last Dom was cruel, he’d berate and belittle.
He promised the world, said he's honest and true, Yet all that he sought for, was using her too. The day that she found me, still clear in my mind, Was my day of rebirth, her soul bound to mine.
And on this first Christmas, together at last, She's finally living, getting free from her past. Please make an exception, she is not to blame, The fault here is mine, tis me you should shame.
The gifts we have asked for, seem odd to the norm, But I desperately need them, her heart to keep warm. There’s paddles and crops, and tools for the top, And blankets and cocoa, and things for sub drops
And nighties and leathers, and great stuff to wear, Along with some comforts for great aftercare. These things that we asked for, perhaps way too much, Are things that we need, they’re not just a crutch.
He looked at my sub, so gentle and pure, Then gave me a glance, as if to assure. “my boy you are blind, it’s so easy to see, But take some advice, from an old man like me.
Indeed your first Christmas, with her as your own, There is more to this story, than you've ever known. This woman God made you, and brought to you here, He brought you here too, to help silence her fear.
For you see I have known her, battered and weak, Her heart rent to tatters, her future so bleak. With her body and soul, and mind under attack, So close to the end, with no will to fight back.
Yet the power within her, so pure and so true, Found a way to preserve her, and bring her to you. Her search finally ended, her future secure, With this dynamic God gave you, so strong and so pure.
She has travelled a road, not many could walk, In search of “a True Dom” not bullshit and talk. When others surrendered, gave in to the dark, She has somehow endured, her life only a spark.
Her soul has survived it, these heartbroken tours, Not perfect for certain, but neither is yours. The power within her, now blinding and bright, She now offers to you, keep it safe with your might.
See all the toys in the world, would not be enough, Not the whips or paddles or padded handcuffs, The gift that is lent you, that she trusts in your hands, This act of submission, so noble and grand.
A tear gently rolled, down Santas red cheek, He lifted her chin, then again he did speak. Take care of her son, protect her and pray, Shelter her heart, and do not fade away.
Her heart is now speaking, gentle and true, For her there's no other, no other but you. Keep her and hold her, for her safety I pray, And worship the gift that you hold on this day.
By request I am reposting a blog (with some revisions) that seems to becoming a holiday tradition for me! I hope you enjoy it :)
As she awoke that late November morning, she gently rolled over to silence the alarm clock, and his scent was still there on his side of the bed, his pillow still warm from where he had laid with her through the night. She reflected back on this first year together with her Dom. She recalled how before him, she had felt her life was so together, so complete, and utterly alone, yet she had accomplished so much. What she knew now, that had escaped her then, was how finding each other would so radically change her heart, and life, and fill voids in both of them that they never even knew were there....
So on this first Thanksgiving Eve together, she had come to a life altering decision.. As he walked toward the front door, he was taken aback... for she was knelt by the door, but not in her normal Nadu position to bid him “hurry home”, as they had vowed to never say “goodbye”, unless it was to be final. As he approached however, her hands slowly raised together, presenting a tear stained envelope to him. On the outside was simply written “Sir, please go to work, and open only in private, and only alone”. He could see that she was trembling, nearly paralyzed with fear, and quite visibly shaken, as the tears found their way out of her red swollen eyes forming steady streams down her rosy cheeks when he grasped the envelope from her hands.
His mind was racing with a thousand possibilities of what could be inside the letter. His heart on the precipice of shattering under the stress of the unknown content. He quite desperately wanted to rip open the letter, reveal its truths to his heart, but knew in his soul he had to honor her request. Could this be the end? Is there something wrong? Has she taken ill? Try as he might, the morning commute was totally overshadowed by that envelope and the tears that had sealed it. Minutes turned to hours as he made his way into work, each one bringing with it a new demon, another unspoken fear of the future. So, when finally he got to his office, he left instructions not to be interrupted for any reason as he quickly dashed into his office. He closed and locked the door, and stared at the envelope for what seemed an eternity before finally mustering the courage to open it, it read ….
My Sir,
That world that I walked in, so eternally alone, meant I'd long since surrendered, A true Dom of my own. So I took all my love, and deep darkest fears, and hid them forever, obscured by my tears.
I had searched from my True Dom, for far way too long, and was finally accepting, my life all alone. For despite all my efforts, my search was in vain, And I could hardly endure it, so hollow, such pain.
I feared that a True Dom, so seldom and rare At least one I wanted, for whom I could care, To walk thru this life with, and give my heart to, would never be found, and then there came you.
You offered your friendship, not making demands, you took time to know me, held my soul in your hands. Our lives slowly bonded, our hearts and our souls, And you’ve never faltered, nor forced your control.
You've patiently waited, despite your desire, to earn my submission, a true sub to acquire. What more could I want for, what else could I need, I am humbled before you, to do you this deed.
So today I give thanks, to God and to you, For holding my dreams, and making them true. I’ve just one request, as this note I requit, To you heart and soul now, I humbly submit.
Oblivious to him at the time... those tears... the ones that fell from her eyes as he left that morning, he had taken with him, and they now found their way down his cheek. He checked his schedule for the day, and it was booked solid. Then, in the notes he saw “set her hairdresser appt 11:00. He told his secretary to clear the days schedule, and after that, to take this Thanksgiving off, and the weekend as well as well, with pay.
As she opened the door, hands overrun with groceries for their Thanksgiving dinner, she gasped in disbelief at the sight before her. The groceries fell to the ground, unnoticed by either of them. There, in the entryway, was her Dom, in the middle of the work day, kneeling before her on a single knee, head deeply bowed, and arms outstretched, presenting an envelope, taped to a slender golden package. On the outside of the envelope was written “My reply, please open immediately” It read:..
My love,
I too wandered this life, and did so alone, And likewise surrendered, a sub of my own. I’d spoke with so many, but none quite a fit, I felt so defeated, and ready to quit.
I felt that my true sub, gentle and fair, would forever evade me, then I saw you there. You were unlike so many, yet so out of my reach, your beauty abounded, had taken my speech.
First let me thank you, for becoming my friend, I’m eternally grateful, for the time that you’d spend, just talking and laughing, and letting me know, that our hearts had a small chance, that love just might grow.
And so now time finds us, together at last, Our hearts beat as one now, our fears in the past. And when I was certain, I could ask for no more, this gift that you offer, brings my knee to the floor.
Never in my life, in my wildest dreams, could I ever imagine, a gift so extreme. I humbly accept now, this offer you make, This collar I offer, if you would but take….
This gift of submission, I shall never forget,
And I pray for the strength, so you'll never regret,
For the rest of our lifetimes, and eons beyond,
I belong now to you... as we enter this bond.
Nobody knows for sure what happened after that, but what is known is that the groceries remained on the doorstep for the entire Thanksgiving weekend, and when she left to go shopping Monday morning, she wore a golden necklace that she would never again be seen without, but yet when they were seen together, the light shining from inside them both made it very difficult to see.
And.. if you ever asked either "What are you thankful for this Holiday Season?", you could almost make out an aura of golden power surrounding them both as their eyes were instinctively drawn to each other, yet no answer would ever be given, but then again...why would it need to be?
It's intermission time, time for reflection, refocusing, reminding myself of where I am, and making sure you know the depths of my commitment. Someday, when I have found you, perhaps we better role play this one ,....
Life has it's little mysteries, games it plays, and sometimes we simply have to gain some life experience before we are allowed to progress to the next level of a game. So i think it is with sexuality, and our ability to see it for what it REALLY is.
Let's be honest guys - a young man generally sees sexual intimacy as a conquest, a challenge, all inspired by the way it felt PHYSICALY to be inside somebody else, and to having been found desirable enough to get to play in the first place. Yet his vision of the reality is blocked with an opaque lens, he usually does not see or understand the effects of his actions.
Now comes young women. Taught from early on what a "special experience" sex should be. and Lord knows how many moral judgements get stacked in THAT deck! So she meets the young man, he talks his "game", and they wind up horizontal. her vision is far from transparent, muddled with all the programming her elders could stuff in that head, but closer than his, so she is seeing this whole thing through translucent glasses.
Well, on to the mid thirties. He has had enough sexual experiences now to satisfy whatever childish motivations ruled his day, exited his sexual prime with a fairly wide damage swath, and wants to "get serious" now... and she has probably been hurt and or felt used enough that she likely has relaxed her viewpoints considerably. She is now entering HER sexual prime, and knows how to get what she wants, and can play those boys like a cheap harmonica if she wants to. Tables have turned, hunted becomes the hunter, and the view of both is translucent. No real truth to be found.
Well, now we are entering the latter years, prolly the 45+ age group to be honest. What remains of our group? Those that aren't married with families, and those that have left them or lost them for whatever reason. Now the successful married folk generally are seeing the world for what it is. They KNOW the value of intimacy, the binding it can bring, the joining of souls that they have experienced first hand. BUt what about our "not married" folk?
Well, they too have achieved transparency in their viewpoints. Not all will want what it has to offer, and some will make the conscious decision to continue to simply fuck for fuckings sake, to pursue only the physical pleasures, and they have the right to do so.
But others, and I think perhaps the majority of them fall here .. no longer want to just go around fucking for the sake of doing so. They see these encounters as hollow, shallow, meaningless moments that simply leave them physically satisfied but emotionally wanting. They want these experiences to have meaning, to use their power to create a bond, a relationship, a life.
But what about BDSM? Truthfully, are they seeking a fast thrill? Or have they, like (I feel the majority) of the rest of us in this group, been drawn into the lifestyle BECAUSE of of the deep emotional and spiritual bonds that are formed when combined with another in the "True Dynamic".
But like the act of sex itself, the many and varied activities that we can experience in the lifestyle magnify their vanilla counterparts ten fold at least, so we decide we want them to have meaning as well. So we search, and we wait, and God willing we find our other half, both now seeing through transparent lenses, knowing what CAN become our reality, just waiting to share the view together.
