A Dom's Tale ~ The journey there and back again

   Life has it's little mysteries, games it plays, and sometimes we simply have to gain some life experience before we are allowed to progress to the next level of a game.  So i think it is with sexuality, and our ability to see it for what it REALLY is. 

   Let's be honest guys - a young man generally sees sexual intimacy as a conquest,  a challenge, all inspired by the way it felt PHYSICALY to be inside somebody else, and to having been found desirable enough to get to play in the first place.  Yet his vision of the reality is blocked with an opaque lens, he usually does not see or understand the effects of his actions.

   Now comes young women. Taught from early on what a "special experience" sex should be.  and Lord knows how many moral judgements get stacked in THAT deck! So she meets the young man, he talks his "game", and they wind up horizontal. her vision is far from transparent, muddled with all the programming her elders could stuff in that head,  but closer than his,  so she is seeing this whole thing through translucent glasses.

   Well, on to the mid thirties. He has had enough sexual experiences now to satisfy whatever childish motivations ruled his day, exited his sexual prime with a fairly wide damage swath, and wants to "get serious" now... and she has probably been hurt and or felt used enough that she likely has relaxed her viewpoints considerably. She is now entering HER sexual prime, and knows how to get what she wants, and can play those boys like a cheap harmonica if she wants to. Tables have turned, hunted becomes the hunter, and the view of both is translucent. No real truth to be found. 

   Well, now we are entering the latter years, prolly the 45+ age group to be honest. What remains of our group? Those that aren't married with families, and those that have left them or lost them for whatever reason.  Now the successful married folk generally are seeing the world for what it is. They KNOW the value of intimacy, the binding it can bring, the joining of souls that they have experienced first hand. BUt what about our "not married" folk?

   Well, they too have achieved transparency in their viewpoints. Not all will want what it has to offer, and some will make the conscious decision to continue to simply fuck for fuckings sake,  to pursue only the physical pleasures, and they have the right to do so.  

   But others, and I think perhaps the majority of them fall here .. no longer want to just go around fucking for the sake of doing so.  They see these encounters as hollow, shallow, meaningless moments that simply leave them physically satisfied but emotionally wanting. They want these experiences to have meaning, to use their power to create a bond, a relationship, a life. 

   But what about BDSM? Truthfully, are they seeking a fast thrill? Or have they, like (I feel the majority) of the rest of us in this group,  been drawn into the lifestyle BECAUSE of of the deep emotional and spiritual bonds that are formed when combined with another in the "True Dynamic".  

   But like the act of sex itself, the many and varied activities that we can experience in the lifestyle magnify their vanilla counterparts ten fold at least, so we decide we want them to have meaning as well. So we search, and we wait, and God willing we find our other half, both now seeing through transparent lenses, knowing what CAN become our reality, just waiting to share the view together.

Just another ID rambling...

~ID~

   Find a more truthful, honest, heartspoken statement about two people getting together, and I'll tip my hat to you. But in the meantime, it has come full circle, and it's time to scribe another note to my future sub, my future partner, my future other half .....  

Mon coeur,

   I am penning this note to you so that you may come to embrace some of the twisting, turning path I traversed in my seemingly endless journey of discovering the miracle of you. As you know, for our life together we have committed to be one of open and total honesty,  fully sharing all that may be shared between two people, forging our future together from the fires of hell that seemed to be akin to a life for each of us before we met. It is hard to believe what we had alone we dared to call a life, now that we know what we are together.

   The path to you was frot with hollow illusions,  some created by me, some created for me.  But it took travelling through them to finally be able to define you, to see your essence in my future, to know finally what it was I had been seeking.

   I do not seek perfection.  As I myself am far from perfect, especially in this singular stage of my life,  I seek only she who has the capacity to complete the parts of me that are missing, and in return, find herself completed as well.

   I do not seek a mindless follower. I want you as you are, kind, caring, empathetic.... I want to help you fill in the blanks of your life, achieve your dreams and ambitions, complete the parts of you that are missing with the parts of me that have yearned for you for so long.

   I want to defend you from the world, and all the cruelty it is capable of, and to that end I seek one that is capable of letting go of the world and flourishing with me under the power of our dynamic, freed at last to be whatever we seek to be, and to be as one with her that I can and do trust with my own fears and demons that if unleashed may vary well undo my very being.

   While I do not know where you are at this moment in time, I have learned that I must be open in all manners possible to be able so see you for what you are when I do finally find you, free from any predefinitions or expectations.

Until next time,

quand tu m'inspires de loin mon coeur,

~ID~

Dominant - 

                                      Because I modified it into this, and it hangs on the playroom wall  :)

Submissive -  because I'd like to print this onto a oversize ping pong paddle and pimp slap every insta dom I come across with it  :)

I am writing this blog specifically toward one person who I will pm, it is the ENFJ in me coming out I spuupose ..but for all that feel isolated or alone, perhaps it is also a great reminder.  the poem after the video I first read at 19, and have had it with me ever since, sometimes reading it daily ...... with that being said.......

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann ©1927

     What is it about the death of a relationship that seems to leave that specter of lost love haunting our future? With every day that passes into history, we feel the pain and trauma less and less, sense it vanishing into our past. We feverishly labor to repair the damages, face our demons, become whole once again, quell the faceless fears that whisper their lies into our hearts when we are alone in the night, until at the  end of this particular leg of our journey, we are no longer emotionally paralyzed or crippled by the devastation we have traversed and  we pronounce ourselves "over it", and ready to move on.

    The damage level is a direct reflection of the depth we cared, loved, and shared ourselves, Following the devastation, each connection became a raw ruthlessly exposed nerve that led directly to the center of our being. But as we say, now it is repaired ...yes?  we are over it .. yes? Or is it?

   My ex and I separated on "good terms". We both acknowledged that the basic elements of any relationship had long since perished, and that we need to become 2 again.  It went well,  she took hers, I took mine, never hired a lawyer, and with all but the smallest amount of bickering, went our separate ways, on our own solitary journeys.  I am not saying there was no fallout, or that at times we did not miss each other. I took 2 years to "recover and repair" from the end of a 25 year relationship.  We remain friends to this day, after all, we raised two children together, and faced some perils in life that I pray you never face.  But... we remain friends all the same. 

  So the other day she wishes to ask my advice about the man she has been seeing for 9 months. Seems they are having issues and she wanted my viewpoint as both a man, and someone who knows her better than she knows herself. Seemed fine at the time, and We talked about it until she was comfortable with a course of action (that worked out well, and put her relationship back on course).  Yet, after I left her house, I went for a cruise drive down the Mississippi river bank, and a few songs into my drive,  the old specter came flying in from the past, and I found myself dealing with emotions I thought were long since at rest.

   Now do not take this the wrong way, I love her as a friend, as the mother of my children, and always will; but not romantically, and have not in many years (a mutual fact we both acknowledged as we ended it),  but there are parts of me that deeply love what we were, what we had, what we lost. There is no turning back the hands of time, the people that lived that life, had all those crazy youthful learning experiences together, they no longer exist, and the emotional and romantic forces that both brought and kept them together then no longer exist either ... but their specter does, and every now and then it reaches into my being from nowhere and slaps the shit out of me, probably always will, or at least until or if I do find "her" and complete my journey in the lifestyle to discover the True Bdsm dynamic", and start to form new ties that bind. At least going forward, I am reminded of how truly and deeply I am capable of loving, and once again find myself looking forward to the day when that ability is augmented by a "True Bdsm Dynamic", and that is a power whos scale I am not even capable of imagining or comprehending. 

   So until that day  my little specter, I dedicate this song to you, and all that you are and ever will be..... 

Thank you for time to peruse,

Another ID rambling

With Respect,

~ID~

   I first read those words over three decades ago, they echoed and entrenched themselves into my being then, they instantly became a cornerstone principle as an example of who I wanted to be, what sort of person I must strive to become.   And they still carry a tremendous amount of weight with me today.  Dare I say, they are many times more important to me now that I am in the lifestyle than ever before. 

   I was speaking to a very nice lady a couple of nights ago that I met on here. She was very new to the lifestyle, and to this website as well. I was totally at peace and relaxed chatting with her via text,  and even moreso when it turned to an actual voice call later in the night.  None of my normal red flags popped up, no warning sounds in my head or heart, and I found myself truly enjoying the chat with her. She had, as I am sure most of the subs on here do, been overwhelmed with insta doms pm'ing the newbie, making asses of themselves, and generally painting a poor picture and horrid future of the lifestyle in general.

  So then along comes me, and I was unusually overexcited to be talking to her, and I am certain it shone right thru.  But, I did my best to explain to her what the lifestyle is really about,  and some of the wonders and pleasures that finding a dynamic might bring to her life is she chose to pursue this new found interest of hers.  I attempted to convey to her how a true Dom holds, honors, and cherishes submission when it is offered, and how meaningless terms like "Sir" or "Master" or any of the others are if they are not earned by the Dom.

   I tried to explain how playtime is a perk of the true bdsm dynamic, not the reason for it, how trust is an EARNED cornerstone of the dynamic, that takes time and commitment on the parts of both Dom and sub. Now I am more than certain I did alot more talking than listening..lol. She was very attentive and polite and courteous throughout the call. Toward the end of the call, I regained my previously fluctuating self control (an effect most females do NOT have on me..lol) and reminded myself that she was a brand new member of the community, and her head was probably spinning with all the information (from my perspective)  that I had shared. So the time had come to be pulling back a bit on my part, and I simply said I thought she should think about what she really wants to do, and if she had interest in my direction after making those decisions, to let me know.

   Now do I know what will come of all this? Of course not, but..she did get a clearer picture of the Dom behind the keys than mere writings could provide. And who knows .. she may just decide the lifestyle is better lived though in movies than in real life and return to vanilla ville, or purse things with somebody else ... all her choices and decisions, and I of course respect them all, and at least hope in the end of all things,,I helped her find her way if nothing else.

   So now we come to the title of this Blog, and what it means in regard to this lifestyle. Some of us blog to clear our minds, seek advice, and at times offer insight for other members of our community. and sometimes, we get thank you's in our pm's and blog comments, that for whatever reason, you reached somebody and helped with your writings.  To those who have thanked me, let me reiterate - “In accepting the Gift you Honor the Giver.”  I am both grateful and honored to have been of service in any capacity.

   Now, If you, as a Dom, TRULY are offered your sub's submission, know in your heart that accepting that gift, that all too rare gem, you had better make DAMN SURE your sub is feeling (and being) honored through your gratitude and actions, or ... imho,  you don't deserve to hold it in he first place. We don't accept submission like a parking pass at Six Flags, stuff it in our pockets with a quick thanks and then off to the playroom.  It must be cherished, earned, respected, protected, encouraged, and developed. It is not a piece of candy, it is the ultimate gift in the lifestyle, and must always be treated as such, so that the giver never doubts the honor it bestows.

Just another rambling I suppose ....

~ID~

We read it, we see it, we hear it.  it permeates the lifestyle like red wine upon a white carpet.  Expectations, perceptions, pre defined mental images of what we seek......and all of it being constantly reinforced.

the Dom - Devilishly handsome, built like Arnold Schwartznegger in Conan, strong, powerful, all wise, mind reading superhuman that only a few may obtain ....impervious to mistakes. 

the sub - strong yet yielding completely, Sharon Stone in handcuffs, helpless, unable to survive without Superman above. waiting for us curled up in a corner,  desperately needing somebody to completely take over their life and make any and all decisions for them.

And the issue with being a Dom like that?  A fable ...

A Giant Oak stood near a brook in which grew some slender Reeds. When the wind blew, the great Oak stood proudly upright with its hundred arms uplifted to the sky. But the Reeds bowed low in the wind and sang a sad and mournful song.

"You have reason to complain," said the Oak. "The slightest breeze that ruffles the surface of the water makes you bow your heads, while I, the mighty Oak, stand upright and firm before the howling tempest."

"Do not worry about us," replied the Reeds. "The winds do not harm us. We bow before them and so we do not break. You, in all your pride and strength, have so far resisted their blows. But the end is coming."

As the Reeds spoke a great hurricane rushed out of the north. The Oak stood proudly and fought against the storm, while the yielding Reeds bowed low. The wind redoubled in fury, and all at once the great tree fell, torn up by the roots, and lay among the pitying Reeds.

Better to yield when it is folly to resist, than to resist stubbornly and be destroyed. How can you possibly protect your sub once your pride rips you from your foundations?  Why would a sub wish to be in a situation like that?

Really?

You see, the issue with pictures of people you paint BEFORE you even meet them is ..... they most likely DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON in the first place, Yet, as society has taught us to do, as all of the stimuli out there constantly bombards our brains as to what we "should be" or "should seek", we strive to become that perfect picture, . We want to become that unrealistic bullshit fantasy Dom or sub so that the shining of our greatness will attract the person we have pre painted as well. 

And so the circle goes ... round and round, ever repeating itself, keeping us on the hamster wheel.  When it stops, it just begins...

We meet, we judge, we dismiss, and start the search again.... over and over and over. Tossing potential mates to the curb because they did not fit our little mold.  Well... guess what... you can prolly get a body to fit a mold, but not a soul.  You can find a great looking set of boobs, just the right looking man sword,  the right beard, the right age, the right color (yeah .. I said it .. get over it .. it happens),  but what connection are  you seeking anyway? Do you seek the True Dynamic or just a fuck buddy? Because guess what .... dem boobs - yeah buddy, they gonna change, dat man sword - gonna lose some edge, That six pack? Might just turn into  a pony keg.

Do you want to connect in bed or in life? what are you more attracted to? Which one stands a better chance of completing your dynamic... the body or the mind?

Dominants - what would you give to find the one you could truly trust your "kryptonite" to?

submissives - what would you give to meet the one who's mere presence quiets your all to active mind, the one you could trust to take you into subspace and back again?

And yes, this search sucks. its takes time,  but if you cannot open your mind to the possibilities, its gonna take a helluva lot longer. But it can be done.

For myself, I tend to be a bit harsh trying to always play fair, to make certain I can be able and willing to give what I expect. the last few years have been rough, not gonna lie about it.  I buried my father, my pet, my marriage and almost myself in the accident a few months back.  And after the accident, I cut all ties with any potential mates I was exploring with,  because I was afraid my injuries would turn the object of my affection into a nursemaid, and I could not allow that. And in that moment, I hurt somebody that did not deserve to be hurt, by taking away her ability to decide for herself, albeit with only honorable intentions, but still the road to hell got another pavestone that day.

But as with all things, I try to learn from my mistakes, take away something positive that will guide me closer in the future.

And yes, on the way home Saturday night I once again pondered haging up the search, like so many of us do from time to time, but like an old friend dropping by to visit, once of my favorite songs from the 70's came bouncing into the cab of my truck on the way home and reminded ,me to wear my badges of life proudly, and stand the fuck back up.. so here I go again back into the search .....

How will you earn that submission Mr. or Mrs. Dom?

   The answer to the question rests in the method of the attempt. Consider mountain climbers for a moment. Do you think they are all the same? Do you believe they approach the task at hand with the same processes? I can tell you for a fact, they do not. For each climber there is a unique set of circumstances imho.... these are but a few

   Some wish to climb the mountain to the top, leaving no or as little evidence that they were ever there, leaving it as unchanged as when they found it.

   Some wish to reach the top regardless of what they leave in their wake. They simply want  to reach the top at all costs.

   Some wish to embrace the adventure. take it all in with every breath from step one, to gain a lifetime of memories 

   I can also tell you that making the attempt with others who do not share your desires can have disastrous results for one or both of you.

   So now comes the moment of truth. As you have finally met that new sub or Dom you wish to explore with, what goals do you have in mind? Are your goals the same? Are YOU being totally honest and truthful with the object of your desires? AND JUST WHAT ARE THOSE DESIRES?

   There are many pathways to the top of the mountain, but all require one main common theme ... honesty and integrity. 

   If all you are wanting is some playtime, some physical intimacy, some NSA interactions, be damn sure you are upfront about it. No lead ons, no hidden agendas. And if along the way your goal changes, be honest about that too. Yes, the "things have changed" talk is prolly going to hurt somebody, but it will hurt less the sooner you have it, or you may even get surprised and find you BOTH want to change it.

   If you are wanting a dynamic, but not a committed serious type of thing, again .. honesty is key, and you both better want the same thing.

   But if what you seek is what I have referred to in prior bloggings  as "the true bdsm dynamic". Treat it with respect, treat THEM with respect.  Get to know the person, not the body. Any woman can get a man in bed, and it doesn't take much of a man to fuck somebody, But if you want that deep life filling connection, you are gonna have to build it.  Take in the ENTIRE experience, from day 1. Celebrate each new discovery and level of trust you discover together.  The physical will come as it should, wanna make it Earth Shattering? Learn to touch each others souls, and when the trust is there to even allow that...... your time has come.

Just my 2 cents worth...

~ID~

"For the poison of hatred seated near the heart doubles the burden for the one who suffers the disease; he is burdened with his own sorrow, and groans on seeing another's happiness.

~Aeschylus~
456 B.C.

   This blog has been n my mind for some time now. I have postponed it's writing for a few different reasons.

1. So that the people involved would be obscured by time, especially those who told me of this.
2. To be sure my purpose in writing it was a positive one, not a retaliatory slashing out.

   So it come to this. COUNSEL.  So very often we see our fellow cagers reaching out for advice or counselling on a situation. This is a good thing! It is part of our strength as a community! In fact, it is probably one of the BEST things about our community, helping, educating, and supporting each other.  That is NOT what this blog is about, for that, let me give some backround ...

    A time back, i had just begun speaking to a very nice lady here on the Cage, and a short time into our chats, she felt the need to enlighten me on a topic.  She had been approached by another person here, one whom I thought was a friend, and a rather good one at that.  Long story short, this "friend" had said I was a "nice person" - then went on to declare that I was fat, ugly, and a few other disparaging remarks (there were actually 2 different people that had told me the same story in as short period of time )

   So as it turned out, this person was randomly contacting people I interacted with and telling them as many poor remarks as it took to drive them away from me.  There is more to this story, but revealing it would identify the person, and I will not do that. Needless to say, I was shocked and sickened by this whole situation.  Why in the world would this person befriend me to my face, and then go bout doing such things behind my back?

   I guess in the long run the why is not as important as the what.  So the moral of the story? Do not take all counsel received, ESPECIALLY unsolicited counsel to heart.  People have their own motivations, and gossiping and trash talking others has been the "make me feel better / important/valuable/jealousy ridden,  go to exercise of people from a wide variety of sufferings for as long as language has existed.

   I was angry and yes, hurt at first that this person had betrayed me in this manner, but today I feel sorry for them, I pity them truly, and will pray for them, that they can someday come in the light and see their actions for what they are,  and never do it again. until then my friends - take unsolicited counsel with a grain of salt.  

2,3   - meh, mom, sisters, pests, nuisances, stuck with them

5, 7 Penguins! disciplinarian masochistic nuns! Safety place (mom) pests nuisances (sisters)

11, 13, Strange things, all of them changing, not the same as me anymore, curious!

17, 19  Damn good little gameplayers, but so freakin emotional! Nice to keep one handy though!

23, Startin to see em as valuable, VERY valuable, but also so fragile and yet so strong .... confused again.

29, 31, Ahhhh.... starting to see how much time I wasted not seeing them as they really are. Weird that my life is a third over before I really noticed ......

37, parenthood .. wow. So amazed, so utterly reduced to basics. To experience the beginning of life, To feel the first movements of a new life, to see it enter the world.  To realize SHE made this possible....

41, 43, My God the roles! Mother, Wife, Lover, Partner, compatriot, professional .. how can one person fulfill so many roles? How or why did it take me half my to see all the facets of this stone....

47, Grandmother? really? theres only  billion out there, why didn't I see this coming?

53, OMG, after all these years I discover some can be submissive? Luckily, not as blind to facets as I once was, I can clearly see the strength she can draw and focus from all of her other facets, how strong her "submission" really is . and it is mind altering

 59 Is just around the corner, and now I finally see what I need to complete myself. To complete myself, I must complete another, 2 joined into one, the true BDSM dynamic.  So with great challenges behind me, I once again take my quest upon my shoulders and start the journey reborn..... I will find you......God Willing.