Journey as a New Submissive

     With school starting back next month and it being my masters program I’m a bit nervous. However I’m happy I graduated and had a little buffer before this new journey. I have to say it’s been a pretty weird summer though.

   Traveling is what feeds me, recharges me, gives me peace. I always do it I always go somewhere this summer was suppose to be Athens Greece and I was oh so excited. However I just don’t feel fully comfortable traveling just yet especially out of the country.

    It made me realize however the change is okay. I hated it I have a schedule I stick to down to the seconds. Without order there is chaos and I don’t believe in “ organized chaos” however within this year alone I’ve faced a lot of change and had no choice but to adapt. I was offered a job position in Seattle where I will one day live because it’s one of the most beautiful cities ever. However one moment everything was worked out and in the blink of an eye it fell apart. I felt myself slowly losing control because when things derail and don’t go as planned I panic.

    But I took some deep breathes and reminded myself “sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together” it’s a hard mindset to keep especially when I wanted it really bad but maybe it just wasn’t for me or it wasn’t the right time and that’s okay.

    Life is full of lessons and one I learned is sometimes we gotta make the most of what we have. I can’t travel far at the moment but I can still travel. There is so much I don’t even know about my own state because I’ve always been busy elsewhere. So I picked up my camera and journal. Went to lakes I’ve never been too, took back roads I would never take, found cute little diners and made the most of what I have. It’s not Greece but it’s something and it’ll do.

Do whatever feeds your soul even if it’s on a smaller scale, self care is the best care and the little things matter more than we sometimes realize! 💕

FULL BLOWN RANT!

I just...ugh.I have not been actively on here because of the loss I suffered. I do come on here and there to speak with friends and to respond to those who reach out. But here’s the thing that is annoying me first off DO NOT call me baby girl sweetie, love, beautiful, sweet heart, etc I don’t know you and I  despise pet names if we aren’t in a mutually agreed upon dynamic with pet names that were also mutually agreed upon.

My profile used to be extremely detailed and took about 5-7 minutes to read yes I timed myself reading it very slowly. Some people didn’t read it then and it showed after my lost I deleted it and put “healing from a tragic loss not interested or available” that’s nine words NINE and yet somehow people message me with “hey baby I READ your profile are you INTERESTED in getting to know each other” I just how tf can someone be that dense I am a nice person and I always strive to choose kindness but I am about to start being less kind because what isn’t clicking? No I’m not I’m not Interested also I’m not your baby girl. My profile when it was long and now is a glimpse of me and if you can’t take the time out of your day to read it before you click the message button you don’t deserve to talk to me get to know me none of that. I’ve always said intelligence is attractive I’d rather not end up with an attractive dummy I’m good. If your reading and compression skills are on peanut. LEAVE ME ALONE.  

Angel of Mine

Remember that cup I talked about refilling earlier well I received news that rocked and shattered that cup and my heart. On July seventh I received a message from mdcowboy titled “The One” prior to his message I had gotten serval overly sexual, rude, pushy and aggressive messages I had serval failed tries and interactions with men on the cage and thought you know what I am over it if this what this lifestyle is and has to offer its not for me. I was literally about to delete my account and call it a day when that message popped up. I went back and forth as to weather to open it not wanting to deal with the nonsense of “you are submissive right so send me nudes and do as your told” message I didn’t want to. However, my curiosity got me, and I opened it when I read it, I laughed, and I had never done that opening any message on this site. It was so cheesy and “dad joke” like but I loved it and it was different, so I thought what the hell what’s one more try?

We talked on the site and then moved to messaging still with my phone number he was a complete gentleman. We talked about everything from politics to flowers, childhood memories to favorite games. He never once made me feel uncomfortable or over sexualize things. We talked for eight to nine hours a day every day. He asked if I was willing to complete some task as we were serval hundred miles away from one other and the only thing, he would have to go off of was my word. I told him I was willing to try nervous as hell as to what the task would be exactly. He gave me five things. 1. To properly make my bed every morning he like my grandfather was an ex-marine so I knew what he meant by “properly” and he knew from conversation how dumb I thought making a bed was. 2. To send him a picture of my choice. 3. Say my submissive prayer when I woke and before I went to sleep. 4. Practicing kneeling at least twice a day for a max of 30 minutes. 4. A journal entry about my day not particular length. 5. Inform him when I left the house and reached my destination. He also informed me he would text me Good Morning and Goodnight every day I have never been in a relationship prior to this one so I didn’t understand as to why. He told me because he wanted me to know that I was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and the last thing on it when he went to sleep. My heart gleamed I felt like I was in paradise.

Easy enough I agreed, and I did all with no worry or hesitation every single day. Our relationship was turning into something I only thought about and yet still two weeks into talking we talked about nothing sexual I told him serval times I thought he was to good to be true haha. After about two weeks he asked for my address, my sizes all of them ring, neck, shoe, dress, so on and so forth at first, I was hesitant like for what? I did it though thinking what’s the worse that could happen I don’t live alone so if he did try anything he would be met with trouble. Three days later the pinkest of roses showed up at my doorstep and I smiled so big from ear to ear. Accompany with the roses was a note that in summary said “thank you for letting me get to see you and know you” I was shocked and just over the moon. He then sent me a series of books I wanted to read but the library didn’t have he had then and sent them to me.

About three weeks in he asked if he could come see me, as he was in Delaware and I live in South Carolina as a college student with two jobs I don’t have the luxury of just dropping everything and traveling. He who was much more established did. I told him he sure he came to one of the most historical and beautiful places in the country Charleston South Carolina. I had a countdown app on my phone, and I was so excited to see him as an introvert I am rarely ever happy to see anyone. They day finally came, and I stressed and stressed over outfits, but my time was up so in my favorite white dress, black blazer and heels I made the drive to Charleston.  When I first saw him, my heart dropped I have always been a lover of men built like teddy bears that’s the best way I can explain it. He approached me and asked if it was still okay for him to give me a hug. As we talked before and being touched by anyone for any reason causes my body to run cold. I nodded and he pulled me into his embrace. The anxiety that is usually waiting at the surface to erupt wasn’t there it was no where to be found which was nice. We headed to the hotel going over the itinerary I had made of the places we would go to see and even places we would eat. When we arrived at the hotel, I went up with him and there two beds to no surprise he told me over the phone days before that he booked a two bedroom hotel just in case I decided I wanted to stay. I was about to protest and he asked that I at least stay open to it and make my decision at the end of the day I left my suitcase in my trunk and we went on the adventure that is Charleston.

We saw art museums, statues, markets, churches, and plantations. It was lovely after the first day I decided to stay. I shocked myself because sleeping in a hotel room with a man I have barely known for a month yeah, I was losing it maybe I take medicine that once I take I’m out for the next couple of hours no questions asked. But I had a certain kind of peace about it, so I did it. I woke up untouched and peaceful, he was already up and dressed on the phone with his child. I got ready and we headed out for day two. I always wanted to see the pineapple foundation at night but I often times travel alone and thought of going anyway at night caused my body to run cold. So, we went and we sat and we talked I had never kissed anyone before or even had the desire to because of childhood trauma but I wanted to kiss him. However, my body and brain got into a lovely battle. He had a rule it was a 60/40 rule he would go 60 percent of the way but I would have to go the 40 he tried once seeing the body I was going through and when I did motion toward him he leaned back. We sat there in silence for what felt like years I forced myself to make eye contact with him and leaned in I didn’t go the full 40 but he  could see I was struggling and meet me where I was. The kiss was amazing it was truly like something out of a book. The light of the foundation the cool breeze from the ocean it was amazing not to mention the spark that went downstairs that never happen I felt alive for the first time in a long time.  my favorite part is it ended there we went back to the hotel I showered he showered, and we went to bed he expected nothing else and he asked for nothing else.

The next day I dropped him off at the airport sadly and we parted ways. We got an Airbnb to meet on the 25th of September in New York so I could see the falls which is something I had never done even though I lived in NYC most my life its one of the last landmarks me and my grandfather were suppose to do but he died from cancer march of this year. It was also where He was going to introduce me to his child. He and I were both nervous about that as there is a 25 year ago gap between us but it had to happen. On September 8th he sent me 24 rose different shade of pink equality beautiful to mark 2 months of us talking. One September 10th he had heart surgery he didn’t need but they said would “prolong his life” all went well with the surgery and he was fine after days of worrying he made it out of the woods and we began planning our trip to the falls. Today September 17, 2020 I sent him my morning text with a file attached like usual we both are early rises and he normally text me around 8-10 when 1pm rolled around I just assumed he was busy or with his mom because he always texted be good morning. At 4:30 pm I got a text from his best friend that he had passed in his sleep from a heart attack. I was driving and nearly crashed. I read the text almost 20 times because I just couldn’t understand. My heart shattered and I felt pain that I have never felt in my life which says a lot I have been through more trauma in life than anyone should ever go through and I am 23 years old. But the pain I feel cant be expressed. I talked to him last night we said goodnight together before we went to bed so the thought of him being gone still isn’t real to me. the thought of never hearing his voice his laugh. I think what hurts the most are all the things we planned to do that won’t happen now, the historical house we looked to buy in Texas, the collar you had made by a jewelry that once finished you said was beautiful I’ll never get to see, the kids we talked about having lol at eight you loved that joke haha the places we planned to see none of that will happen now and I think that is what hurts the most.  I didn’t get to tell you because I thought we had more time. So I’ll say it here thank you for being patient with me, thank you for being kind, thank you for never pushing me further than I was willing to go, thank you for noticing the little things, thank you for giving me someone to trust, thank you for staying even when my depression was so bad and we barely knew each other, thank you for the late night conversations, thank you wisdom thank you for the love. You showed me not everyone is bad and its okay to trust people. One of my biggest fears was getting attached to you only for you to break my heart you promised you would never do that and I believed you I let my walls down and I let you in and I don’t regret it. I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone the way I trusted you or if ill even try this dating thing again but I know I am forever grateful to have met a man of such integrity and I wouldn’t change it for anything you are truly one of a kind. Thank you for everything. Rest easy Angel of Mine.

                                                                                                                                                                                                  Your Precious Dove.

Phew it’s been a WEEK I’m a full time college student it’s my senior year, and I work two jobs one full time one part. I am about to have too full time jobs. It’s the reason I took the summer off to explore the world of bdsm because I knew there was no way I could do it and go to school there is only 24 hours in a day and I get about 3 -4 hours of actual sleep. I had a 36 hour day because of my jobs and a project I had to get done and underestimated how long it would take. My second job is with kids and when I tell you my tank was completely empty it was empty. I’ve felted drained and completely useless. It’s impossible to pour any part of yourself into something or someone if you yourself are running on fumes.

    To refill my cup I usually go on a day trip a simple one maybe just an hour or two away. Enjoying a nice view and complete silence alone. Only hearing the snap of my camera every so often. But my two jobs, college work load and Covid restrictions made this much harder.

     I truly believe being kind is the best way to live but when my cup is empty it’s ten times harder it feels like everyone needs something, nothing is going right, and matter how many task I complete there is ten more waiting for me. This makes me want to completely lose it. Ive felt this way serval times this week but I still held it together. It’s not the fault or the guest where I work or the kids that I’m drained.

       I was cleaning my room to try and restore some type of order to my chaotic life. When I picked up a little to big booklet I was sent with my Alice in wonderland themed onesie  that I had purchased for a play party. I loved that onesie and thought huh let’s browse the site and see if I  find anything I like. Minutes in I found a onesie, pacifiers, the cutest stuffie, and I also ordered a coloring book and pencils (pictures below)  from another site I like to coloring and I hear it can be relaxing so I thought why not.

      It’s not traveling and that will always feed my soul but it’s the next best thing all items should be here by Friday and it’s my day off from my full time job so I’m very excited. Im searching for a cute pink fuzzy oversized blanket and I think that will fully tie everything together. Self care is the best care and if you aren’t taking care of you it’s impossible to be of use to anyone else for any reason.

Lol so I’m going to a Alice in wonderland themed event and I’m going as the bunny because he’s the embodiment of procrastination and that’s me I am the bunny. So I was looking and searching for an outfit that would work. Cosplay is super fun and it can be really relaxing to get into. While typing random things into the search bar I can across a little site that I had found during my research into the lifestyle. My first time I didn’t pay it all that much attention. However this time... I browsed for the simple fact that I was looking for a onesie that I saw while googling. After I found it I stayed on the site for like an hour. It was like going down a rabbit hole. I kept looking and browsing I found the fit I wanted but I kept looking everything was so cute and so pink I love it. Here’s some of the items below it’s just all so adorable.

         Compromise

“an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.”

Compromise is at the strong foundation of any and all relationships. The unwillingness to budge can cause one person  to feel unheard which can lead to that person feeling unimportant it’s a snowball effect. So compromise is important. The question is how much compromise. Compromise to little and you get the snowball effect compromise to much and you start to feel unheard. So where’s the line? Where’s the middle.

One thing I saw my parents do a lot growing up was trying to change the mind of each other. That’s pointless a waste of time. People will feel how they feel and think what they want and will die on the hill of “I’m right” what I see with so many of my friends is the hounding of things from there man and then he eventually does it. What’s funny to me about that is they will be so happy and it’s like he didn’t do it because he loves you or even likes you he did it because you were on his nerve. That will never be my situation my significant other doesn’t want to do something don’t do it. I’ll figure it out if it’s something small or simple if it’s bigger a desire a want/need that isn’t being fulfilled I’ll leave.

Now when I say this to friends and family here response (after serval failed relationships may I add) say if you love someone you fight for them. Lol I yes that’s true but if you reach a crossroads where you can not find a solution the solution will be either one person gets it and the other doesn’t or it doesn’t happen at all either way someone is left feeling slighted. Its delaying the inevitable because eventually resentment will set in weather it’s noticed or not and that is the start of the decline. Why wait until that moment, when you can part peacefully? Come to terms that it’s not going to work the wants are to different the needs aren’t what they once were. For me people change they grow as that happens needs change and grow and it may not align with your partner anymore. Instead of acting as if it’s the end of the world. Come to terms with it and peacefully part ways.

One of the top reason people stay in relationships is out of fear of being alone. When I hear people say this my first question is “do you love yourself” because if you do what’s to fear about being with you? That’s a concept I don’t get. I’ll walk alone in happiness before I’ll journey with someone in misery.

See compromise is important but it’s also important not to lose yourself in the bliss of a relationship. Many people are nervous to speak up for what they want or need out of fear.

Fear that it will happen fear that it will upset there partner so on and so forth. Being fearful in a relationship should be considered a red flag. One of my favorite things to research and learn about since introduced to me in my psych 201 class is “emotional dependency” last time I did research on it  over 80 percent of relationships have and emotional dependent person over 55 percent of marriages have an emotional dependent person and of those 55 percent only 15 percent of those marriages survive.

So that begs the questions where does this come from? Why does it happen? Well the number 1 factor is abandonment of some kind in the dependent persons life mostly early childhood which leads to the 2 factor of fear of being alone.

Learning this and knowing that I have childhood trauma I immediately took steps to make sure that it was something I would never fall subject to it doesn’t even sound fun at all.

So what does that have to do with compromise well having all the signs that would make me an emotionally dependent person when it comes to compromise I need to be very careful that I’m not backing down or putting what I want, need and desire to the side for the pleasure of my partner. I want to be in a 24/7 TPE dynamic however that doesn’t mean what I want doesn’t matter in that dynamic is just means my wants would come after my Doms but I’m also a person and everything is negotiated. As a person I wouldn’t want my day to day wants to be pushed to the wayside either.

Walking away and reevaluating the situation is very important. Quiet time and patience. If you cover up shit with sugar is it chocolate? No it’s not. So acting as if everything is okay or certain things are not desired is counterproductive eventually it will come to the surface. Weather a bed should have 6 pillows or 3 on it is something that can be comprised, if ceiling lights are better than natural lights, regular windows or floor to ceiling windows, should dinner be served at 5 or 7, is pink an acceptable bedroom wall color ( yes, yes it is), should a home cost 80,000 or 250,000, two stories or one, in-ground pool or above ground, sex everyday or only on weekends, 5 dogs or 2, those are things that can be compromised those are things that can be met in the middle somewhere.

Somethings however there will be no compromising on it’s almost the same as soft to hard limits. Soft limits compromise hard limit no compromise. If there is no way to get on the same page then it’s time to close the chapter and start a new one. Some people are part of your entire book others just a chapter or two others a few pages some just a couple lines. The point is don’t lose yourself in your own story don’t become a background character when you should be the main character. Don’t allow others to control your narrative.

An amazing article on break ups and the healthy way to do it!

http://healthymagazine.com/the-healthy-breakup/

Go to that concert by yourself! Go to that restaurant you keep saying you want to try! Get on that plane, drive down that coast, try that new hair color, go explore that country!

If your friends/partner doesn’t want to do it,

do it by yourself! 

*Disclaimer I am in no way a doctor and all opinions are my own, they are not medical advice or end all be all. It’s simply research and reading I have done throughout my lifetime journey of self-discovery and being self-aware. Take my opinions as you will but know they are simply opinions.  *

Emotional dependency – is when a person believes they need another person to survive, to be happy, or to feel complete. Love is easily confused with emotional dependency because they both usually come with intense feelings around another person.

One of my biggest fears and something I have seen many of my friends and people in my family fall subject to is emotional dependency and financial dependency but that’s a whole different blog. Emotional dependency is easy to fall subject to because it carries the same intense feeling as love. Most times with this type of dependency a person will think they are in love head over heels when in reality they are in “need” and there is a big difference. I hear “my partner is the center of my world” more times than I can remember and at the surface this may seem romantic, but it can become a rather slippery slope. If a person is the center of your world what happens when they leave? If they die? If they cheat? What happens to your world? Being in love and being in need are not the same thing.

When you meet someone, you should both grow together, mature together. No one person should carry the burden or responsibility for fixing another. I like to think of relationships as a house each person has a half of the foundation of that house. If one person isn’t strong enough it will reflect in their piece and the house won’t last as long as it could have. If one person comes into a relationship put together completely “the foundation” of the home if that person ever leaves, cheats, anything a home without a foundation will crumble.

No one is perfect and that is not the point of this blog, but emotional dependency happens and gets confused quite often with love when people are not self-aware. People who enter relationships broken hoping to find that “something” whatever it may be often will find themselves being very dependent on that person.

One of my favorite articles “Is It Love Or Emotional Dependency? How To Tell” By Dr. Margaret Paul, she says “The challenge of real love is that you cannot desire to get love and to be loving at the same time. Your focus on getting love will always lead to a closed heart and controlling behavior, which shuts out love. Your focus on being loving, and on learning what is loving to yourself and your partner in any given moment, is what opens the heart. When you consistently choose to be loving with yourself and others, you will experience real love.”

From the same article Here are some question to ask yourself, it is love or a need there is a difference

- Have you discovered from past relationships that you have a tendency to idealize people?

- Do you project onto your partner how you want them to be rather than how they are?

- Are you making up the person you think you are in love with?

- Are you primarily focused on how your partner treats you rather than on who they really are inside?

- Are you overly impressed by how this person makes you feel special?

- Have you made your partner responsible for your happiness, worth, and safety?

- Do you feel anxious or panicked when you are not with your partner or when they don't text when you expected?

- Do you have a set of expectations that your partner has to meet for you to feel loved and safe?

- Do you feel that you can't live without this person?

- Are you terrified of losing this person?

- Do you feel empty and alone inside unless your partner is giving you attention and validation?

- Do you feel jealous and possessive of your partner?

Emotional dependency on the surface does not look bad and may not be toxic in the short term. But in the long run it can lead to very controlling behaviors and the inability to exist and make coherent decisions on your own.

Then there is the opposite side of that which is called Emotional Independence – Completely independent people might resist all emotional support, preferring to cope with emotional needs alone, or even ignore them entirely.

Being emotional independent and alone is my own opinion is fine, however being this way in a relationship can be toxic if the other person cares or notices which 9 times out of 10 they will not but it can still be toxic for other reasons. Often times your partner will ask you how you are and no matter how you are feeling no matter what emotions good or bad that are running through your body you will smile and say “ I’m fine” the issue with this response is it can cast a shadow almost. Like for example you could have had a completely shitty day it was horrible you want to scream and cry and punch things all in one but you say “ I’m fine” which is not a lie nothing is broken bruised or on fire so in reality you are fine. So, you tell the truth while keeping the emotional turmoil that is going on to yourself. Or say your partner does or says something that hurts your feelings instead of burden them with it you internalize it and say “I’m fine” because again nothing is broken, bruised or on fire so you are fine.

Being this way can cause tension between you and your partner because you are always keeping them at arm’s length out of fear of a few things. First and foremost become emotionally dependent as an emotionally independent person myself the thought of being emotionally dependent scares me more than words can express because again it’s an easy slope to go down and a very difficult one to climb out of. The second is being a burden to your partner what emotions are worth bringing up which ones are worth dealing with alone and which ones are childlike and should be cast aside? The third vulnerability sometimes as an emotionally independent person the thought of bringing up my emotions and being made fun of or it made to be like I am being unreasonable is also scary because the first thing that pops in my head is I could’ve dealt with this myself and I will in the future.

Both of these ways of life can cause to unsatisfied or overbearing emotional connections which could lead to other issues. So, what’s the solution? That would be called Interdependent relationships, the healthiest type of relationship, fall in the middle. Interdependence means you can recognize your own emotional needs and do the work to get many of them met. When you cannot fulfill them on your own, then you might reach out to your partner. In other words, you depend on them for some emotional needs, not all of them. For example, if you see your partner having a conversation with another person of the opposite sex at a party and jealousy rises within you. First you can go through it with yourself what was the nature of the conversation? Does that person have a partner? What was the body language during the conversation? If you can’t talk yourself down and you have tried, that is when you bring it to your partner and discuss it together. But you were independent first and didn’t immediately grab that crutch of emotionally independence to be reassured but you also didn’t take those valid emotions and put them in a box.

So how does one apply this? As an emotionally independent person and an independent person overall relying on people is not my strong suit if I cannot do it, I will figure out how or I will adjust and live without. Letting someone know I am uncomfortable or that they hurt my feelings has never been me because 9 times out of 10 they don’t even realize what they have done and if they do realize they don’t care so it’s a great big waste of everyones times. On the opposite side of that I can give love to the nines and make sure someone feels loved and appreciated receiving it, wanting it, and needing it, have not been me in a long time.

Entering a relationship has be rethinking quite a lot especially this way of thinking and how and if I can even change it. The way I see it my emotional burdens are mine and mine alone. My partner is not the cause for those burdens, so they aren’t his to carry, listen to or concern himself with. At the same time, they makeup who I am and by not giving him those parts, is the relationship only surface level and if that is the case is it even worth it?

I see the person I give to others as a bowl a shell something hallow. My partner in the middle nowhere to escape waiting for me to open up. My true self my day to day struggles the war that goes on inside my head, is Niagara Falls bursting and filling that bowl. My day to day struggles often times leave me exhausted I feel like I am drowning, my will to fight to keep living is always a battle because my limbs are tired. Why on Gods green earth would I put that burden on someone else? Let alone someone I say I care about? Being emotionally independent is the only way I know how to be my issues my burdens my demons are mine to push that off on someone else no matter how ready and willing they say they are is selfish. To me that’s like if I told you hey if I let you jump you will fall and you say its okay I know ill survive ill be fine and I know for a fact that you won’t but because you said you would be. I let you jump and you injury yourself. That was carless and selfish on my part. I can see the fall and you can’t so you really don’t know. I know how deep the water will go up over your head I know how hard my demons are to handle he doesn’t and that is the difference. Is easy to pass the burden off its easy to cry the tears and let it out but now that is with someone else and I don’t see nor will I ever understand how that’s fair and how that’s love.

So where does that leave me, surface relationships are fine I truly believe that it takes a lifetime to get to know a person I have seen people be together for decades and barely know one another but are very much so in love. Do I understand it no how can you love someone who you only know on the surface? But it does happen it does work, and it is possible. The question is will it work. Will “I’m fine” always be a good enough answer for him. Being emotionally independent doesn’t mean I can’t love I can love very well it also doesn’t mean I can’t be loved I can also do that but I don’t need it I don’t rely on it, it is not my end all be all. I am the center of my world I am my foundation I am my strength. That’s okay today but will it be okay five years from now?

I am a firm believer that if you truly love someone you will let them go because you should want them to be happy even if that happiness isn’t you. Sometimes what someone wants and what they need don’t match. This is hard but most things in life will be the sooner people come to terms with that the better off humanity will be.

Citations

Raypole, Crystal. “Emotional Dependency: What It Looks Like and How to Stop It.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 8 May 2020, www.healthline.com/health/emotional-dependency.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. “Are You In Love, Or Are You Emotionally Dependent?” Mindbodygreen, Mindbodygreen, 21 Feb. 2020, www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14987/are-you-in-love-or-are-you-emotionally-dependent.html

Depression is such a weird thing I don’t care it weird. One moment I’m fine all is well and the next the THOUGHT of getting out of bed drains me. Suffering from it is a roller coaster ride that I wouldn’t take my worst enemy on so I do it in silence but it doesn’t make it any less hard

                      Collars X Marriage 

          A collar can represent many different things and there are serval different types. Play collars 24/7 collars those most times look like chokers, then there are collars that look like necklaces, bracelets and some even get tattoos. They can represent many different things, for me however; I love the bond, trust, love, and commitment wearing one represents. I love how the meaning of it is whatever meaning my Dom and I give it.  Wearing one is often times equated to that of being married do I think it is the same thing mmmm nope. Collaring is something created in this lifestyle to show a bond and ownership. Marriage is bond and promise between two people made in front of God and sometimes a couple hundred other people or a judge either way similar meanings not the same thing.  

                With that being said, I love how they can bring different memories to mind. With a wedding ring, everyone knows what it means and represents.  “Oh how long have you been married?” “Where did you get married?” “That’s such a nice ring” I would think about my wedding day and the days leading up to it, the planning, the dress the warm feeling walking towards my future husband and probably share some of those memories. A collar however is a different ball game one might say “that’s a pretty collar (they would probably say choker) or lovely neckless or bracelet” they may even ask where I got it from but the line of questions end there and the memories may flow. Remembering the night, I kneeled before my Dom to be collared, the trust that was built the love that was had and commitment that was promised. The scene that took place after the pain residing into pleasure the sub space the gentle aftercare. All causing me to smile while keeping those details to myself.

                One thing I have seen a few people fall subject to is either accepting/offering one excessively quickly. I understand the want to belong to someone… ehh well I sort of understand it. However, to do it so quickly only to realize it was a mistake or too soon is counterproductive. I never really saw myself in a relationship but I have met someone I truly think I can do life with someone I want to do life with. I have never felt that way and I have to admit it’s a beautiful feeling. Aug 8th will mark 1 month of us talking, we have met, and both enjoyed each other’s company. I still however has no desire to move in two week ago wear his collar last week get married yesterday and have kids tomorrow.

                In adamant objects only, hold the meaning you and your partner give to them. When I 19 I brought a ring it was a simple princess cut ring and I think it cost me 120 bucks. I was sick of telling men that I was single but not interested when they asked and instead of no being, no they saw it as a challenge. So I brought the ring put it on my ring finger and when people would ask I would smile and say I was married. They would usually leave it at that and leave me alone. I wore it until I was 21 or 22 then I went to Halloween horror nights ad I lost it. The point being that ring held no meaning it meant nothing. I did not look at it and get warm and fuzzy or walk down memory lane nothing.

                The same would ring true with a collar I have seen friends get collared after a short period of talking to a Dom which makes me question the Dom as well. If a collar is symbol that represents marriage. Shouldn’t there a meaning behind said symbol no one would drop to one knee and ask someone to marry them after a short time of talking. Which begs the question why is it done so quickly? I think it’s to say “ look at me I have a Dom” or “look at me I have a sub” which defeats the whole purpose doing something to show it off is wrong who gives a shit about who you have and why does them giving a shit matter to people.

                If a collar was offered and I didn’t think I was ready or my Dom and I weren’t were we needed to be to for me to be wearing his collar I would say I’m not ready yet and explain why. Same thing with an engagement ring. There is this weird taboo behind saying no to those thingy manly I hear “I was caught in the moment it was so romantic and sweet.” which is fine and cool but try I  to live life making level headed decision if I cant. Once I come down from the bliss, I will have that conversation. Will it be hard probably I said yes he’s all happy now I have to be like well actually, but we would both be better for it.

       Symbols can hold a lot of meaning and you never want a collar to hold tainted memories memories of strife or heartache life happens sometimes but I no longer make excess for adults those are for children. Adults make decision and all decisions have outcomes.  Trust is a funny thing it really is. With me, trust is a hard thing to build like a house in the 1900s it takes time effort, patience’s, and will not happen overnight. However, once I fully trust someone there is nothing I would not do for them to protect them to make them happy nothing. However, as hard as it is to build it’s like a pop up house in 2020 it doesn’t take much to fracture or destroy. Once its gone its gone I do believe in second chances depending on what happen but life is not baseball my heart is not a game and I will never again give someone two chances to hurt me. You should not hurt people at all so you really should not hurt people you claim to love.

       I look forward to the day I wear my Doms collar and Husbands ring but not so I can say “oo look at me I have a person” lol get a dog. I look forward to it because it means we took the time to build something magical something real. We were patience and got to know each other. we know each other’s likes and dislikes we steal the covers and act like children at the same time we have quiet dinners and just enjoy being. Sometimes we argue no relationship is perfect thinking that would be is silly. However, we also come to an agreement and we never aim to hurt each other. Both objects are a representation of what we built and the work we put in to get there, it is also a constant reminder to always work to make each other the best version of our self as individual and as a union.  Without it, they mean nothing.