Highway to hell

So my sub likes music and poetry and recently shared a song he wrote. Since I like posting the music I compose I thought of sharing his song and he was fine with it so here’s the song. 

"Watermelon seed" by Thenewone

Never did I think I’d be a farmer
Without even trying you’re quite the charmer
You turned my stomach right into soil
Something tells me that it’s not snake oil
I ate your watermelon seed, look at just what it’s done to me
If this isn’t love what can it be?
From seed to sprout to veiny vine
Forced to confess through form of rhyme
My melon heart beats all the time, for you
Yea, this melon ‘longs to you, 
‘cuz it’s me who longs for you

Your sparkling eyes and how they shine,
Giving that seed should be considered a crime
You’ve got me tangled up in your roots from the ground
I try to talk, but can’t make a sound
Thoughts in my head, they bounce around
My purpose lost, but now it’s found
I am your garden here to help you grow
Tend to your crop and I will put on a show
Here I go.

Never did I think that I’d need armour
Gotta watch myself, don’t wanna harm ‘er
Ain’t she a beaute 
I think she’s cute
It’s my little baby mellon
That I hope you aren’t sellin
Once I’ve fully grown, it
I guess you technically own, it

Please don’t forget my melon heart.
Please forget my melon heart.
It was yours right from the start
And it’s tearin my insides apart.

Never did I think I’d be a farmer (sparkling eyes)
Gotta watch myself don’t wanna harm ‘er (how they shine)
Yea you’ve got me tangled up (tangled up)
In your melon vines (melon vines)
Help me grow I’ll give you a show
Here I go
I guess.

Sometimes I get very stressed out and I’ve found the best way to relax is with a sub. They tend to be just so damn relaxing for me. Just talking to them and letting the peace and calm they carry soothe me. Recently I had a bit of stress because of work so I ended up spending the day just talking and playing with one of my subs. He’s a natural submissive and is always willing to follow my lead on everything. He doesn’t question me or try to fight me on anything. He isn’t a brat. I just felt so relaxed after spending the day with him. And he loved spending the day just hanging out with me. It’s like killing two birds with one stone. He made me relaxed and he enjoys spending time with me with my full attention on him. I wonder if anyone feels like that too. Just wanting to be with your subs because they are relaxing. No sex or anything related to it. Just talking and hanging out doing what you both love. I have to admit I’m obsessed with days like that. Just a meeting of minds. Talking about what you like or don’t like. Sometimes talking about politics(we share the same views on it) and not argue. Just letting thoughts and ideas flow without prejudice or fighting. We both tend to be a bit on the logical side instead of the emotional side which is great. 

Another relaxing thing for me is this song.

I listen to it a lot. I can’t understand a thing it says but when I close my eyes the musical instruments and both singer’s voices are just so relaxing and soothing. I also sometimes cry a bit over the song when I remember what it is about. The song is based on a Chinese novel/manga/anime called grandmaster of demonic cultivation. It’s a great read. I will say though it’s a gay romance for people that don’t like that. They storyline is quite lovely too and has to do with martial arts and zombies. There isn’t a huge romance aspect because both guys are dumb. It’s a very heartbreaking story once you really see what is happening. 

I have recently been talking to a lot of doms/dommes and realized one thing. For the most part they hide their emotions from their subs. I don’t quite understand this? Some explain that as the dominant they shouldn’t show emotions and in a way weakness. I find this truly baffling. At the end of the day we are human and also have emotions. I did notice for some of my friends things haven’t gone well with their subs since they aren’t always willing to talk their emotions out. I personally like talking about my emotions and what I like and things like that with my subs and I like for them to tell me too. I feel that when you talk to your subs about emotions they tend to open up more and in a way trust you more and it makes it so that when they are going through something painful they will come to you instead of hiding! A friend of mine recently got his heart broken by his sub. He didn’t want to talk to her about how he felt emotionally and how her distancing herself from him was hurting him and probably in a way also hurting her. He instead came to me to talk about his emotions! And it’s not just him. I’ve had other of my dom friends come talk to me about their emotions instead of their subs. It makes me want to strangle them.... go tell your damn sub how you feel! Grow some balls or something and tell them what’s bothering you and try to find a middle ground! Life is about emotions and understanding a trust and the same should be applied in BDSM. I don’t care if this make me a weird domme or a “fake” domme just because I’m willing to show vulnerability with my subs and tell them how I truly feel and hope that they will also tell me when something is bothering them. 

The other day I was reading a book following the myth of Hades and Persephone. I love reading those as Hades is my favorite Greek God. The book is of course very romanticized which is probably one of the reasons I read it aside from the sex aspect 😉 while reading I wondered. How would it have been like living during the times when the Greek Gods existed? Did they even truly exist? And if they did how was their life? Once you start thinking of how it would have been like in a historical way and not the way they make it sound in a modern book you realize it would have probably been horrible. As someone who loves reading on kindle and Chinese martial arts novels I would have wanted to cry. I highly doubt they had romance novels then! I’m not even sure they had books!! But despite this living in Ancient Greece during those times sounds terrifying and mildly interesting. How did the people live back then? How did they dress? How did their houses look like? Were there social classes and how did each class live? History tells us a bit of how those times were but it can’t give us the whole picture. It would be truly fascinating seeing that time in history through my own eyes yet so scary! And imagine Greek Gods truly existed! How would they have looked like?? Sadly, time travel doesn’t exist so I’ll just go live in the world within my books. 

The other day I had an epiphany. I couldn’t believe I never realized it. I had been very depressed lately over a relationship that didn’t work out and in a sense I blamed myself. It’s very easy to blame yourself. You start wondering if maybe there’s something wrong with you. But there isn’t. I’m good enough the way I am and the other person is good enough too. It’s neither my fault nor the other person’s. We just weren’t the right one for either of us no matter how much we wish it was so. I believe that in life you will meet a lot of people that feel like the right one but aren’t. You will wish to try your best to keep them with you because deep inside you are scared that they really are the right one for you and that if they leave you will be alone. But they aren’t the right one. The right one will match your personality perfectly and won’t leave you. They will stick with you through the good and the bad. They will be your best friend, your lover and your pain in the butt. But you will adore all that about them. They will make you laugh and smile even as you want to strangle them. But the most important is that they will never leave you. They will work with you through everything. They will be willing to compromise and so will you. Because if only one side can compromise there’s no point. Having come across this the resentment I had towards this person was just gone. I stopped trying to message him and never getting a reply back. Having my messages read but never replied despite him wanting to still remain friends. I simply stopped. I’m not willing to try and be friends or anything with someone that won’t even try. The hatred and hurt I felt when I thought of him is just gone. I know he just wasn’t right for me and I wasn’t right for him. Maybe the time wasn’t right or maybe the distance wasn’t right. Who knows. Coming across this feeling made me write a song that released so much of the anguish I had been carrying inside me for almost a full month. My depression is also thankfully wrong after I told myself to stop being an idiot. Yes, I had to tell myself to not be an idiot and concentrate on things that matter. Now, without further ado, I present you my epiphany song! 

Not the right time

We met at times
That might not have been right
I felt you were right for me
But you did not feel the same
And it caused a lot of pain

Looking back I now can see
That this is not your fault or mine
We were just not the right one for either one

There’s no reason to think
That we aren’t good enough
Because we are
Just not for each other
And I know we will in time
Find the right one for us 
And we will both be happy 
And smile about the past

I’ve been so down
Wondering if I messed up
And not finding a reason
I asked you why
And you said the distance won’t work
Even when I wanted to try

I believed for a while
I just wasn’t good enough
But I know it’s not my fault
You just weren’t good for me now
And I wasn’t good for you

There’s no reason to think
That we aren’t good enough
Because we are
Just not for each other
And I know we will in time
Find the right one for us 
And we will both be happy 
And smile about the past

Maybe if there wasn’t distance
We could have worked
As that was our biggest issue

But I still believe we just weren’t meant to be
Even if the times were different 
We would have eventually split
And I don’t blame you
You are good enough
Just not for me

And I know I’m good enough
Just not for you
I won’t let this bring me down
I’ll keep moving forward
And I’ll always remember the time we had

There’s no reason to think
That we aren’t good enough
Because we are
Just not for each other
And I know we will in time
Find the right one for us 
And we will both be happy 
And smile about the past

I truly wish
The best for you
I wish for you
To find someone right
I will stop the messages
I can tell you don’t want to talk
And I’m ready to move on

I wish you...
Luck in love

My last post is very down so I wanted to cheer it up by mentioning a passion I have. Mythology and legends. I love them. I love not knowing if they are real or fake. I always feel there’s some semblance of truth in every myth. But throughout years and word of mouth the truth is now lost. A legend I truly love is the legend of King Arthur and his knights. I find myself always reading books about it. My favorite is called Song of the Sparrow. I live the way the story flows, like a poem. I loved how two people that always had sad endings ended up happy. I still mourned over lancelot having a sad ending. I’ve always loved Lancelot above all others. Here’s a song about lancelot. This specific singer has a lot of medieval sounding songs 

Do you ever feel like the things you love don’t make you happy anymore? I’ve tried finding solace in music, video games and books recently but all in vain. I’m now trying to drown the depression away on this website. It helps but I’m still sleeping all the time. I’m down and I know the cause for it. A person. A person offering a beautiful dream. And then took the dream away. I’m left behind without knowing what to make of it and trying to find something to fill my life again. He reminded me of what I truly want in life. And it feels like a slap. I didn’t want to want this at this time in my life. I just wanted to have fun and be wild. But now I’m left with the hole I had slowly filled in through years of being all alone...

I enjoy singing a lot and music is a huge part of my life and recently I have a song stuck in my head but the words just don’t come. When I start thinking of the song the lyrics keep changing. One moment it sounds one way and the next second it sounds a different way. It’s been making me frustrated because I want to give life to the song. I want to sing it out loud and express it. I want it to grow wings and soar but sadly it’s just stuck in my brain. Hopefully the song starts making sense soon before it drives me crazy!

anyways here’s my song of the day 😊 

I can sometimes be a bit of a Mommy which I have to say bothers me slightly since I don’t like littles and brats. But I have a very nurturing side and can be extremely overprotective. I like protecting the people I care about even from themselves. I will sometimes put myself in the way of something harmful just so that the person I care about won’t be hurt because I know I can handle it but my friend/sub might not be able to. When my loved ones are sad and down I like cheering them up, make them laugh and smile and be happy again. I sometimes want to hide them away from the world so they can’t be hurt. I will stay by their side watching them grow and protecting them the whole time. I don’t always like being like this. It can be quite painful when you are rejected from it. When you want to compromise and try your best to make the other person happy. It can be quite hard finding a balance for myself because of my caring and overprotective nature and since I’ve never found a balance... I simply shut that down. Which can make me appear cold and callous. I’m neither. I can be quite caring once I open up and let my emotions flow. I’ll hold your hand through everything and make sure you are comfortable. I’ve found I have a very calming presence towards people and rarely are they ever shy with me since I can appear quite energetic. Because of my caring and nurturing nature I’m very guarded. I don’t need to show affection and then be burned form it as I have in the past. But sometimes I find that one person I will care for and nurture and I sometimes feel like a motherly figure towards them. Hence why I have a bit of a Mommy in me. Since my life is about music I shall share the song that makes me grudgingly admit being a Mommy. Did I mention my love of kpop??

I feel like we have all been at that point where we feel emotions are useless. That falling in love is a waste of time. That maybe we shouldn’t try anymore since it might be useless. But sometimes we can find someone that will make it worth it. A song I like says “so if love is nothing more than just a waste of your time waste it on me” and I feel we all find that one person that this applies to. That we decide to waste our love on because they know how it’s like to be heartbroken and maybe they are as broken as we are. They know what it’s like being let go and they won’t let you go. They know the pain of loving and also the happiness attached to it. It makes me like this song a lot because that’s what this song is about. Being let go because maybe you weren’t good enough or maybe the other person wasn’t good enough. This song is for when you are let go and someone else wants to keep you with them because they understand.