Need help

Need help

curiousandconfused • Jan 3, 2020

I am new here and to BDSM. I am married, but due to past traumas, my husband doesnt want to trigger something for me related to the traumas. I am seeking counseling for my internal issues.

Does bdsm always involve sex?
Will my husband ever be the bdsm person I need?
Can I still be married and have a Dom without having sex?

These are just a sampling of questions I have

CapnRick​(dom male) • Jan 3, 2020

One possible solution to feeling protected is to consider online-only submission.
That may involve sex, but not of the in-person variety you may need to avoid.
A good online Dom should develop caring feelings for you, accept your past trauma, maybe even help in your repairs.
Just a thought--best of luck getting past the bad events in your past.

TaskMasterNZ​(dom male) • Jan 3, 2020

BDSM doesn't have to involve sex. I've had many sessions were simple bondage and even talking was all that was involved.

Many have some quite horrific baggage that needs a safe outlet ... a safe, sane and consensual encounter can help work out those issues as long as the Dom is FULLY informed of all the issues beforehand.

Communication is the key, always.

As for your man ever being able to satisfy your BDSM needs ... it depends on your man, of course. But I suspect not.

Hope this helps My friend.

PappaBear • Jan 4, 2020

As to the question of whether or not you can have a Dom outside of your marriage... short answer is, “yes”. Slightly longer answer, “If that is acceptable to both you and your husband”. Just as I’m sure you’re aware, though there needs to be some serious communication first, you need to both set boundaries, and there will be lot of exhausting searching for a good fit once you work out what you are looking for. There is no one size fits all. There’s no color by numbers. You educate yourself, I recommend finding a good mentor (for you both), and proceed with caution. You will make mistakes and you will learn from them just as with any part of life.

There’s no reason not to enjoy the journey, just remember it is a journey of self discovery and like any journey, you may or may not like the destination or even the things you discover.

Erick​(sub male) • Jan 4, 2020

I've been going to professional lady doms for my entire adult life. And they have helped my emotional and spiritual well-being more than I could possibly say. (I was rather shockingly abused as a child.) Much more than various certified shrinks I also consulted over the years. My gratitude to these ladies is boundless. If I had a daughter who wanted to pursue a career as a pro dom, I would be proud of her.

And with only rare exceptions, these ladies I visit almost always do all their wonderfully terrible things to me without there being any form of sex involved.

I don't know why an accommodating spouse or lover couldn't do just as well. (Although personally, my own spouse was never that interested in helping me that way.)

But BDSM definitely doesn't have to be sexual. In fact, the most exquisite of my various BDSM dreams do not feature me or my partner being overtly sexual at all. It's all sublimated and symbolic.

Good luck.

angelaa​(sub female){{R}} • Jan 5, 2020

BDSM is a very psychological lifestyle. The over twenty year relationship of my Master and I has had very little to do with sex.

I'm glad to be accepted here where that is understood. Most Doms that I've chatted with at different sites have said that with no sex, I am not a real submissive. That tends to hurt my feelings. I know that I'm submissive to the core of me.

Lossofalme • Jan 5, 2020

Welcome to the community

Seeing a therapist is a great idea and a good step, since like they say... kink can be therapeutic, but it's not therapy. And depending on where you are and what health coverage you have, you may be able to find a "kink aware" therapist who might be able to discuss things with you in that context.

As for sex... for many (though certainly not all), a cornerstone of BDSM is in the power exchange dynamic. And while sex can be a part of that power dynamic, it is absolutely NOT a requirement for living a kinky or bdsm life! There is no "one right way" to do all this, so if, FOR YOU, a certain set of activities is currently off the table, that's totally okay. And if someone tells you that you're not a "real" this or a "good" that because you have these limits? Walk away and find someone better.

For your partner... maybe they would consider attending some therapy sessions with you? Or you both might go to a couple's therapist? If they are worried about triggering you, then maybe having a professional in the room to guide the discussion would be helpful? Your partner may never be exactly what you want in all things, just like you may never be exactly what they want in all things, but there is a really good chance that you can both be good for each other if you can build a relationship with a lot of open communication on top of a foundation of mutual love/consideration/creativity. That eventual relationship may not look like what you're imaging now, for example... maybe you really want him to X, and he just isn't comfortable with X no matter what. But maybe he'd be comfortable with holding you while you did X on your own, or with someone else? Or you'd be happy doing Y with him evenif you couldn't do X? Keep that whole "there's no one way to do this" mantra in mind and if something works for you and your partner? Then that's the thing to do!

And then your last question is kind of a blend of the others... yes, you can absolutely be married to one person and in a power exchange dynamic with another person. And you don't "have" to do anything in any relationship that violates your limits, up to and including whatever activities you define as sex. Sure, some potential partners are going to be off the table if your needs don't mesh, but then... your needs don't mesh, so keep them as friends and move on. Open and transparent communication can be hard, but it's the best way to ensure that your needs, your partner's needs, and your possible play/power exchange partner's needs all line up.

Have you explored any podcasts, youtube channels, or books? Podcasts/YouTube channels like Loving BDSM (with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone) or American Sex (with Sunny and Keen) can be a good introduction to how bdsm can play out in a married couple (including how polyamory and online or in person power exchange relationships outside that married duo can work). And although they're older, books like The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy or Opening Up by Taormino are fantastic for exploring all the ways relationships can grow, and since they ARE older you can probably find them at your local library (check their ebook offerings if you prefer that anonymity, or ask for an interlibrary loan if they're not available locally). These are all things you could share with a therapist, or with your husband, to get a conversation going.

Good luck, and again....welcome to the community! I hope you find what you're looking for.

curiousandconfused • Jan 6, 2020

I would like to thank each and everyone of you whom have read my post!
This is a world where I feel I can truly belong.
Each of you who have replied, have given me good insight, and advice.
I will have to have a very scary, honest, and uncomfortable talk with my husband (depending on how he takes all of "this").
I will also be looking into munches in my area.
I just wanted to say thanks again for the thoughtful, and taking time out of yalls busy schedule to reply (yes, I'm from the South!)

bigolebubba​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2020

I agree with CapnRick...but all of the responses really.
I wish you well in your quest to find what best suits you and your needs.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Jan 6, 2020

1st. No, it does not always involve sex. Purely platonic BDSM is a practice.

2nd. That depends on you two. You'll need to figure out what exactly it is you need before you can determine whether he can be that.

3rd. That is a possibility, and a commonly practiced one. However, it's something to talk about *very thoroughly* with your husband.

I'd suggest taking the time to read and learn about various different aspects of the lifestyle as much as you can. Learn before you make any big decisions.