Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I lied and pretended my adult life, I'm bi but I not only perfer women I'd only be with a woman, because of sexual abuse at the hands of men I'd rather die then ever be with a guy.

Yet things that really were the issue are as follows:

For a long while I hated being a female and whats more feminine then wanting a man to fuck you? ( Had to stop that)

I thought my interest in men and dicks was penis envy loss for wanting one not my desires to be intimate with men. 

I felt that if I did have sex with men and enjoyed it in some way I'd lose my edge and be tamed. I'm a wreaking ball almost anything I try and do I rise to the top

That if I enjoyed sex with men as much as I had in my dreams it make it harder for me to find joy in fucking women in the future the only group I'd allow myself to be with.

The thing i realized most is the more I fought my body's wishes the more profoundly intense the buried desire for men grew. The decades of struggle with this has left me near suicidal I can and could no longer keep fighting it. Yet never once thought ok then give in and enjoy it. 

I hate myself for giving up the fight I don't lose and no amount of creative reconciliation can make me feel better about my body making my mental and spiritual will and turning it into a bitch for men.  

Last night someone I was chatting with from the cage actually did it they got me to dig beyond the bullshit and just be so damn unbelievably aroused and joyful from being born a woman.

I spent years trying to avoid meeting such a man in my life thankfully I still haven't met them. I have said multiple times I'm writing as a way to vent and mourn the life I could of had not to get tested by every Tom Dick and Harry who thinks they got game.

He showed me that as much as my head has given up my pussy still is a fighter that feels as long as shes alive she wants a hero to save them from my abusive negligence.

Thankfully in my moment of weakness no one could press the advantage and once more I remain proven correct nothing is ever gonna change. 

I find praise specifically false or idol praise is extremely condescending. I know when I did a good task worthy of praise and when someone is blowing smoke up my butt.

Maybe children who are ignorant and see there ugly macaroni art on the fridge it seems like a source of pride and accomplishment. But for me I don't care about a damn word from anyone unless I myself already think I did a good a job in which case I didn't need the cheerleader since I internally know it was awesome.

You know what my fuel is negativity. You wanna see me do something tell me I can't, tell me I'm not smart enough, strong enough talented enough. Let me know you'd smile at watching me fail. That is my turbo fuel because the second I am tired and think I can't possibly run another mile in a marathon or study another hour for an exam I think of all the doubters haters and just generally negative people in my life and realize if I don't rise above it I prove them right they get the satisfaction of seeing me fail.

The chip on my shoulder is a bolder pushing me to greatness in all things. Its not enough to do well on an exam if someone in my class did better then me I'm worthless second is the first loser and I need to justify my existence because the lack of internal love requires constant external achievements.

I can point to a hallow list of things I accomplished in the pursuit of filling my internal void. Yet for all the objectively awesome things I have achieved I am still hungry since an insecure person can never be satisfied. 

So please don't ever encourage me its tantamount to abuse. Its cutting the wind from my sails its draining the fuel from my engine that never stops.

If encouragement helps you that's great enjoy that I'm not you and I hate it when people try to speak in universal truths I am myself.       

"If you all want me to settle down
Slow up and stop all my running 'round
Do everything like you want me to
There's one thing that I will say to you

I'm not like everybody else
I'm not like everybody else
I'm not like everybody else
I'm not like everybody else" - the Kinks

I honestly don't understand how so many people here are positive it just seems in my life my ability to connect with people especially sexually of any kind has always been sorta trash.

I tried to abandon my interest in BDSM I tried to ignore my actual preferences to be what I felt fit society better.

I haven't been sexually active in a pleasurable experience in years sure could I have sex with some random person thats not me though I get no pleasure from meaningless sex just like masturbating has lost interest with me as well.

When I self pleasure its like wow so alone again awesome.

I iust give up so I don't get why so many people in here don't believe it's over.

Look its ok Many people can live without sexual gratification does it suck yeah of course but it can be done. 

I found the cage 2 years ago when I realized trying to cut kink outta my life caused me to have a boring dead sex life.

However I never really found the right person or situation so I got frustrated and sorta gave up looking not just on here but in life as well.

What brought me back to this platform is sorta two fold one my sex drive has sky rocketed. Apparently the female biological clock is a real thing and here I am in my mid thirties no child no husband or wife and I am the most obsessed with sex I have ever been. Infact there is times I wake up in tears because I have real ingrained fears of dying alone and unsatisfied.

Two my preferences have slightly changed where before I think I was looking for a female sub/ switch which tend to be fewer now Id perfer to have a male dom/ switch or female dom/ switch. 

Yet my natural desires of what I'm into doesn't jive with how I have lived my life so I kinda feel like it's impossible because I am too much for any dom. 

Thus going back to my first overall problem I have no solution to my sexual dilemma. 

I have never been so sexually frustrated in my life. My vagina often screams at me to play with myself daily and even when I do she mocks me by making me feel unsatisfied for it not being with a lover.

I have never faced such outright rebellion before my body is in full on war with me and won't be happy until I find someone to meet my needs. 

My mother is in her mid 50's she had me at 18 and because it wasn't in the best of situations she kinda shut it all down and never was able to really open herself up to love or relationships again.

Now where's my mom? She's living in a complex for people with disabilities with few friends, no lover and a bunch of cats. She is a dryed up old crazy cat lady.

I see I been heading down that same path, I've had my share of difficulties with men and women and were like eh fuck it who needs em so long as I achieve my goals thats all I need.

Yet here I am at 11 o clock? I'm wishing to make love to someone, needing that part of my life filled is so painfully obvious, and what does the trick now lifeless worthless toys :(

What good is all the achievements in the world if it doesn't make you happier. I might be her daughter but I'm not her, I don't have to keep following a destructive path that leads me away from people and a satisfied sexual appetite. 

Its been years since I had sex I enjoyed with someone. It has gotten to the point even masturbating feels just sad at this point. 

My whole life I been at war between the person I believed I should be and the person I actually am. In so many aspects of life I am an alpha in control degrees, awards, saving lives as a search and rescue member.

I felt it natural to take that into my relationships to project that power, yet the more I see now it I was so phoney. I tried to always claim I was a service top that I got joy from making others happy. Yet I mostly felt like a lifeless corpse going through vague motions that made others happy.

As the years became decades I realize I am jealous and sad getting to see my subs happy in ways I only dream about. Tears in my heart fill how much of my life I feel was wasted being disingenuous to my desires. 

I would love for the right male or female dom to help me explore this desire. I dont want to hold it back anymore. I regret not being able to experience this aspect of life sooner.

I had a huge set back when it comes to my sexuality in the past couple of weeks. My loveless relationship is beyond dead I tried my best to say you know what let me pit the past behind us and see if for one night we still had any chemistry left we didn't.

Then for the last few months my best friend of twelve years was like hey since your having relationship troubles ever think of us and I was honest and told him i found him attractive but didnt think it was wise because were such good friends and i wouldn't want to lose the friendship.

Well we never did anything because we love long distance but i was supposed to see him next week when he sorta got cold feet started some bullshit argument and now not only are we not going to see if there is any benefit to be had in this friendship the friendship itself is over.

12 years gone like that its why I told him from the start don't go down this road if you think it might compliate things. He said it will be fine but almost from the start issues started to pile up.

I am domme and he didnt like that said hes not a bitch I told him that I don't view this as serious because iI know we want different things out of life and that i am not in love with him.

I also told him when he started bitching about me that I wouldn't so much as cut a nail at his behest i am me and if he wants me or to play with me thats it there is no negotiable aspects to me or my life.

He was like relationships have give and take i am looe hin i just was open to fuck you not become your dream woman. 

I literally have never had sex with a guy willingly because it always seems like something comes up.