Ice Girl's public thoughts.

I found the cage 2 years ago when I realized trying to cut kink outta my life caused me to have a boring dead sex life.

However I never really found the right person or situation so I got frustrated and sorta gave up looking not just on here but in life as well.

What brought me back to this platform is sorta two fold one my sex drive has sky rocketed. Apparently the female biological clock is a real thing and here I am in my mid thirties no child no husband or wife and I am the most obsessed with sex I have ever been. Infact there is times I wake up in tears because I have real ingrained fears of dying alone and unsatisfied.

Two my preferences have slightly changed where before I think I was looking for a female sub/ switch which tend to be fewer now Id perfer to have a male dom/ switch or female dom/ switch. 

Yet my natural desires of what I'm into doesn't jive with how I have lived my life so I kinda feel like it's impossible because I am too much for any dom. 

Thus going back to my first overall problem I have no solution to my sexual dilemma. 

I have never been so sexually frustrated in my life. My vagina often screams at me to play with myself daily and even when I do she mocks me by making me feel unsatisfied for it not being with a lover.

I have never faced such outright rebellion before my body is in full on war with me and won't be happy until I find someone to meet my needs. 

My mother is in her mid 50's she had me at 18 and because it wasn't in the best of situations she kinda shut it all down and never was able to really open herself up to love or relationships again.

Now where's my mom? She's living in a complex for people with disabilities with few friends, no lover and a bunch of cats. She is a dryed up old crazy cat lady.

I see I been heading down that same path, I've had my share of difficulties with men and women and were like eh fuck it who needs em so long as I achieve my goals thats all I need.

Yet here I am at 11 o clock? I'm wishing to make love to someone, needing that part of my life filled is so painfully obvious, and what does the trick now lifeless worthless toys :(

What good is all the achievements in the world if it doesn't make you happier. I might be her daughter but I'm not her, I don't have to keep following a destructive path that leads me away from people and a satisfied sexual appetite. 

Its been years since I had sex I enjoyed with someone. It has gotten to the point even masturbating feels just sad at this point. 

My whole life I been at war between the person I believed I should be and the person I actually am. In so many aspects of life I am an alpha in control degrees, awards, saving lives as a search and rescue member.

I felt it natural to take that into my relationships to project that power, yet the more I see now it I was so phoney. I tried to always claim I was a service top that I got joy from making others happy. Yet I mostly felt like a lifeless corpse going through vague motions that made others happy.

As the years became decades I realize I am jealous and sad getting to see my subs happy in ways I only dream about. Tears in my heart fill how much of my life I feel was wasted being disingenuous to my desires. 

I would love for the right male or female dom to help me explore this desire. I dont want to hold it back anymore. I regret not being able to experience this aspect of life sooner.

I had a huge set back when it comes to my sexuality in the past couple of weeks. My loveless relationship is beyond dead I tried my best to say you know what let me pit the past behind us and see if for one night we still had any chemistry left we didn't.

Then for the last few months my best friend of twelve years was like hey since your having relationship troubles ever think of us and I was honest and told him i found him attractive but didnt think it was wise because were such good friends and i wouldn't want to lose the friendship.

Well we never did anything because we love long distance but i was supposed to see him next week when he sorta got cold feet started some bullshit argument and now not only are we not going to see if there is any benefit to be had in this friendship the friendship itself is over.

12 years gone like that its why I told him from the start don't go down this road if you think it might compliate things. He said it will be fine but almost from the start issues started to pile up.

I am domme and he didnt like that said hes not a bitch I told him that I don't view this as serious because iI know we want different things out of life and that i am not in love with him.

I also told him when he started bitching about me that I wouldn't so much as cut a nail at his behest i am me and if he wants me or to play with me thats it there is no negotiable aspects to me or my life.

He was like relationships have give and take i am looe hin i just was open to fuck you not become your dream woman. 

I literally have never had sex with a guy willingly because it always seems like something comes up. 

From before puberty I was under attack by my Catholic upbringing masturbation is sinful your a slut who will burn for all eternity, if you don't wait till marriage. The nuns who taught me would really have someone believe that Jesus cries everytime a man or woman so much as think of wasting there sexual energy-- out of marriage.

This led in part to the backlash as to why i got into kink so young (between 16-25) loved playing with others and finding out who I was. Yet one thing i never did was masturbate! My mind was so beaten down i felt like self sexual release was the worst thing I could possibly do.

Sucking off a guy, or playing with some kittens pussy at least that was done in love, and could go somewhere-- Jesus could approve. But masturbating I had internalized the teachings it was unnatural, unholy, and if I wanted to be right with my soul I shouldn't ever do it.

Well I have since lost my faith (thank god lol) Yet still alot of my apprehension around playing with myself persists. I havent had a regular partner for years but I can't masturbate. Sometimes my urges are so strong from little things like the splash of shower water, or a cool summer breeze up my skit or worst of all a wet dream I am in tears of torment. I have had dreams so steamy which have woken me up and youd wonder if someone took a hose to my vagina. It has got to stop! The longing for stimilation for self love for attention has only gotten more compelling the longer I have denied myself. i am an adult yet have more in common with a horny teen afraid of there body.

When I have on occasion started to touch myself i usually freak out the moment gets me anywhere. I usually bite my lip or my fingers until the pain overcomes the pleasure and I stop touching. Besides the fact I am getting tired of bite marks on my fingers I have decided to employ a toy the first toy I have bought since i was 20 and it is a hitachi wand it seems like women have used it to liberate themselves for generations-- the only question is am I ready? 

Some of you already know I got contact traced at my job the state of Maryland has deemed me someone exposed to high risk covid-19 and I am supposed to stay in my residence unless I need to leave for medical food or an emergency.

This alone would be an annoying time but I live with at risk people so i basically spend 22-24 hours lately in this room. I come out to eat use the restroom and then go back in. I do it to protect people I care about but it is getting to me.

My nature is high energy I like to do things only so many things to do in the same 4 walls 5 days straight. I think the worst part is the feeling of lost agency that I shouldn't just go do things if I want to.

Personal I think the state of Maryland messed up I haven't had so much as a sneeze yet here I stay anyway. I hate the fact at times I can be so damn obedient. I want to violate this especially because I hate it but there is the social contract I have with my loved ones especially that I will not needlessly put them at risk.

I took a covid-19 test today yet the results won't be in until Monday. Oh well gonna be a shitty weekend that is for sure.

As the shark needs to swim for life I need to do. When stopped too long I reflect and within those thoughts are a horror so real a sadness so deep id welcome death with barely a sigh.

Yet in the moments of life there are times i can forget my life no past no future just a single moment of bliss chasing that high currently makes a life not worth living tolerable may the torment continue as I chase what is fleeting. 

At 35 I have yet to have pentrative sex with a man willingly. Yet I am bisexual how did this happen? Well like many women I was sexually abused yet since I am bisexual I just sorta said ok I will only have sex with women so I won't have to deal with sex with men.

The last time I was raped I was visiting a good friend of years. I had met him online and I had made it clear I wasnt into him that way and he was totally cool with it or so I thought then at some point during the evening after I rebuffed him I started feeling sleepy. He clearly laced my drink or food or something because Ij ust needed to sleep. Like an idiot not thinking my friend would do something like that to me. I went into his bed assuming I was just really tired.

Before I  knew it I was awakened to him ramming his dick inside me with no lube or forplay. The pain was so intense even still under effects of whatever it was I was jolted awake. I was like get out of me or I will kill you he was like I doubt it. He knew that even with my martial arts training and all i was still to out of it to muster any defense ontop of which as i would squirm to try and get him off of me he would just bare down all his weight and pretty much use his penis as a knife and just pound me so hard i was hurting from the inside out.

I was so angry at myself this is happening to me I of all people. I fell for the nice guy act I who if I wasnt drugged could have easily snapped him like a twig was now powerless as if i did anything at all too resistive he would simple rip apart my insides. When he was done with me I stumbled to the shower I felt so filthy used like a sex toy.

It was only after I learned i should have done a rape kit but lets be honest this was america in the 2010's would it have mattered. I would say he raped me he would say i got tried and drunk and one thing lead to another. Note I don't drink but it would have been just a he said she said and this was before #me too was all the rage.

So I decided to say whatever life sucks what can you do. I only really told two people before just sharing this so publicly with all of you.

I know it was that moment where I pretty much decided I was never going to let a male pentrate me again.