Ice Girl's public thoughts.

If you took the time to click and read thank you please leave a comment if you have one i have never attempted to be so transparent publicly. 

So like many stereotypes I had a broken home abusive father I barely saw, a mother coping with substance abuse. They tried to control every aspect of my life through beatings fear and neglect  Due to this I went to court to become an independent minor. But like when your 16 and your the adult in your life what do you do next?

In my case I had a child advocate that kinda watched out for me but I had alot of anger and resentment. I also felt unbelievably lonely.

Well growing up in New York City that was enough to tip someone off to kinda be like sex work? I was able to express I didn't have any interest and because of being abused I had trained in martial arts and was built like a professional female MMA athlete they had other ideas. 

Someone I don't remember who said do you wanna get your rage out on people who'd love you for it? 

I was like wait so let me get this straight people will pay me to beath the living shit outta em while dressing like a goth demon. Why the hell not? So even though I in my mind didn't do sex acts I had an awful amount of fun throwing guys around whipping them caning them cutting them beating them stepping on em crushing there junk it was fun, and I was getting so much positive feedback for it.

I mean where else did my unique skills and strengths feel so suited. Yet despite being a dominatrix in training i had a few girl friends but finally I found one i really cared for her name is S anyway she knew about my kink and that I was getting tired of doing it. She was in part interested in me because she was into rough intense situations. 

I had very much been someone who aims to please so if someone asked me for something Id usually oblige how I even ended up ripping out some poor bastards tooth.

Anyway with S she asked me to do simulated rape with beatings breath play and forced penetration with my biggest attachment. I had told her I didn't fully feel comfortable but was like well lets see how it goes.

So first comes the fact to get me going i guess since I didn't want to do it she started hitting me spitting on me and screaming at me what a soulless monster I am. 

I was finally provoked enough to give her what she wanted I slapped her around ripped her clothing off fought her into a position where I could force the harness endowed bigger then any male i ever saw inside and just crush on her and she was scratching at me and screaming for help then I broke the moment and I was like S do you want me to stop and shes like you idiot I wanted you to choke me till I pass out.

I choked her and as hard as she screamed nothing could come out and she orgasmed so hard all over me I could feel her whole body tremble and she pissed herself. I then let her go and she was pissed. She's like i asked you to choke me until I passed out gasping for air. 

I was like excuse me I love you, you had such an interes orgasm I couldn't hurt you anymore and didn't wanna risk it  She said some nasty things about how I'm too fucked up to be normal but not enough to please her or whatever, it was quite sad that trying to please her wild side ultimately led to us no longer being together or friends. 

Since then I got outta doing it with randos entirely and tried really hard for a long time to slowly un kink myself think it was the "right" thing to do. 

But today I fully accept the life is a part of me and although it mighta started outta a bad place, it did really help me to gain confidence, control, meet sweet loving people and there was plenty of joyful moments. 

I am not the person I was, and to be honest I wanna learn more about who I am today even if its not who I thought I would be, evolve or die I choose evolution. 

I sit here aroused beyond all measure. The issue is I always heard when you feed a fire it grows, I have fed my dom side all my life yet it has gotten happy lazy and content.

Yet my inner submissive keeps calling to me like a siren wishing ill upon me. What once started as a mere whimsical notion, and a few mistaken lovers is turing into such an obsession I haven't felt the urge to dom in months.

I look in my soul panicked wondering whats happening to me, to my world I built what I know about myself upon. My former truth in shambles in its place is the forgotten girl, she's begging for someone to make a bitch outta her.

I pleed this isn't who we are, but then in my dreams she assaults me with visions of pleasure I have never known, in the real world. Moments where I had topped women so powerfully inversed so I become the wet pink pussy heavenly ass up face down getting spanked for being naughty asking a master to penetrate me. I feel a flush blush as he says only good girls get what they want. I pleed desperately I can be good for your wood. He laughs and says funny isn't the same thing  and then grabs my hair yanks my head up and forces the deepest kiss I ever felt. Content I sigh falling into his passion. 

As I have these dreams I startle awake, I cannot take such thoughts. I profess this isnt me god damn it! Yet my body already proved it has betrayed me, I'm far too horny to let pride and ego get in the way of me slipping a finger or two in and exploring every bit of this new found arousal.

My thirsty pussy calls out to me let it be reality, to finally be someones good girl so he will have no choice but to please me as I have always craved.

Yet could it ever be? Or can more importantly I ever truly be ready for a moment such as this. 

I used to think I was a train ? I sent myself up on a track and I'm pretty much heading down it full speed with no possibility of stopping.

It would seem I'm more adaptive then I thought. Makes sense one of my favorite things to do in my life was ride my motorcycle. I remember one time a car almost hit me by not seeing me in his blind spot but I saw it coming so I was able to dip onto a sidewalk and pop off a different curbside, and although it was scary and dangerous both me the driver and everyone else who saw this move like motorcycle move were just entertained.

Apparently if my brain can be adaptive to ever unfolding states zipping by I guess I have the ability to do it in more aspects of my life. 

(By the way I learned to ride from a professional motorcycle riding school and took defensive driving on top of it please don't try it.)

All the gear all the time. 

An inauthenticity has ruined most my adult life. I used to judge and diminish the woman I am. I had in my head said I'm a lesbian who doms/ tops women and that's all there is to it.

The first cracks started to show early in life I had to refuse people pleasing me especially penetration. I had argued it was because it ruined the mental sensation of my attempts at masculinity. That wasn't the truth it's because it brought my inner bitch to the surface.

The few times in my life I was fully satisfied, I ran away from the situation. I do say only a few because I often avoided these moments, or the people who brought em about as if they were about to destroy me, because they caused me to question my own self idenity.

Yet for all the resistance, I only achieved one thing for myself outta it absolute -- misery. Forsaking my own needs even contaminated my ability to enjoy doming women, because seeing them happy even with me would make me so unbelievably jealous, inside it felt like razor blades cutting out my heart connected through my pussy.

I'd often think "look at that happy little bitch so in love and content why can't I share in this with her" or "I should tell her that I wanna experience it as well."  Yet I never said those things out loud and I carried on repressing myself till I just couldn't do it anymore.

For years, I been to scared to be with anyone for fear I'd have to confront my inner need, imagine feeling dead in your 30's sexually because you're to afraid to admit you were wrong about yourself, and too weak to grow into something new bold and worst of all different.

I felt as if I spent too many years down the wrong track, can't teach an old bitch new tricks. 

I awaken from a dream wondering whats happening my nipples standing like peaks adding body and dimension to my curvey slightly salty breasts. 

Still waking to realize I'm not just arousing for the mourning but arousal has already taken my body on a journey wet with anticipation I set forth a long sigh.

Why oh why do you not share my bed? Instead I feel this moment is wasted, toys don't fill me with the same release they once did. Silicone glass motorized it doesn't matter nothing compares to you to what we could achieve together.

Yet it seems now and forever here I am lamenting just how distant we are. Yet we're we ever together or was it all just a dream in this nightmare of a life.

I woke up again tonight wet ready and flush my pussy ultra pink and open with anticipation. I don't know why this change has happened so drastically. My body went from guys take em or leave em to its chomping at the bit for a man to make me his bitch and fill me with his cock and cum.

Not that long ago, when I would get like this id often self harm or do some other punishment to try and get my body back in line. Yet I made a promise to my friend I'd never do that again I had no idea with an unchecked sex drive it be driving me to claw the walls with desire. 

I despise my innate drive to mate with men this primitive instinct that is as much a part of who I am as my own heart beat. I feel is defeating me. I don't know how I'm going to destory it but I feel I somehow must because I refuse to be consumed by this insatiable lust. 

I lied and pretended my adult life, I'm bi but I not only perfer women I'd only be with a woman, because of sexual abuse at the hands of men I'd rather die then ever be with a guy.

Yet things that really were the issue are as follows:

For a long while I hated being a female and whats more feminine then wanting a man to fuck you? ( Had to stop that)

I thought my interest in men and dicks was penis envy loss for wanting one not my desires to be intimate with men. 

I felt that if I did have sex with men and enjoyed it in some way I'd lose my edge and be tamed. I'm a wreaking ball almost anything I try and do I rise to the top

That if I enjoyed sex with men as much as I had in my dreams it make it harder for me to find joy in fucking women in the future the only group I'd allow myself to be with.

The thing i realized most is the more I fought my body's wishes the more profoundly intense the buried desire for men grew. The decades of struggle with this has left me near suicidal I can and could no longer keep fighting it. Yet never once thought ok then give in and enjoy it. 

I hate myself for giving up the fight I don't lose and no amount of creative reconciliation can make me feel better about my body making my mental and spiritual will and turning it into a bitch for men.  

Last night someone I was chatting with from the cage actually did it they got me to dig beyond the bullshit and just be so damn unbelievably aroused and joyful from being born a woman.

I spent years trying to avoid meeting such a man in my life thankfully I still haven't met them. I have said multiple times I'm writing as a way to vent and mourn the life I could of had not to get tested by every Tom Dick and Harry who thinks they got game.

He showed me that as much as my head has given up my pussy still is a fighter that feels as long as shes alive she wants a hero to save them from my abusive negligence.

Thankfully in my moment of weakness no one could press the advantage and once more I remain proven correct nothing is ever gonna change. 

I find praise specifically false or idol praise is extremely condescending. I know when I did a good task worthy of praise and when someone is blowing smoke up my butt.

Maybe children who are ignorant and see there ugly macaroni art on the fridge it seems like a source of pride and accomplishment. But for me I don't care about a damn word from anyone unless I myself already think I did a good a job in which case I didn't need the cheerleader since I internally know it was awesome.

You know what my fuel is negativity. You wanna see me do something tell me I can't, tell me I'm not smart enough, strong enough talented enough. Let me know you'd smile at watching me fail. That is my turbo fuel because the second I am tired and think I can't possibly run another mile in a marathon or study another hour for an exam I think of all the doubters haters and just generally negative people in my life and realize if I don't rise above it I prove them right they get the satisfaction of seeing me fail.

The chip on my shoulder is a bolder pushing me to greatness in all things. Its not enough to do well on an exam if someone in my class did better then me I'm worthless second is the first loser and I need to justify my existence because the lack of internal love requires constant external achievements.

I can point to a hallow list of things I accomplished in the pursuit of filling my internal void. Yet for all the objectively awesome things I have achieved I am still hungry since an insecure person can never be satisfied. 

So please don't ever encourage me its tantamount to abuse. Its cutting the wind from my sails its draining the fuel from my engine that never stops.

If encouragement helps you that's great enjoy that I'm not you and I hate it when people try to speak in universal truths I am myself.       

"If you all want me to settle down
Slow up and stop all my running 'round
Do everything like you want me to
There's one thing that I will say to you

I'm not like everybody else
I'm not like everybody else
I'm not like everybody else
I'm not like everybody else" - the Kinks

I honestly don't understand how so many people here are positive it just seems in my life my ability to connect with people especially sexually of any kind has always been sorta trash.

I tried to abandon my interest in BDSM I tried to ignore my actual preferences to be what I felt fit society better.

I haven't been sexually active in a pleasurable experience in years sure could I have sex with some random person thats not me though I get no pleasure from meaningless sex just like masturbating has lost interest with me as well.

When I self pleasure its like wow so alone again awesome.

I iust give up so I don't get why so many people in here don't believe it's over.

Look its ok Many people can live without sexual gratification does it suck yeah of course but it can be done.