Just me

What you see when you look at me is polar opposite from what I see in the mirror
You say things I find hard to believe.
I see age: a woman who's been through a lot but keeps a smile despite it all, but the lines that the smile has made makes the face look old
Hair: unmanageable dry, gray and color fading. Not the beautiful healthy hair of herself 20 years ago
A body who had many battle scars, none of which I'd change because they are from life being brought into the world. The damage has been done and all I think is why would anyone want to see this. This is the hardest one for me because even when I was thin I still saw every imperfection.
You see someone with a huge heart, I see someone easily taken advantage of, a shy soul who cant ever tell anyone no. Afraid to hurt others with words or actions even when they have hurt me so bad.
You see creativity I see pain.
You see hope I see darkness.
One day I pray to see myself through the eyes of another. To believe I am what others say I am.
Every woman finds faults in herself that others can't see. We are the hardest on ourselves but have we ever stopped to ask why?
Why is it so easy to believe one negative comment and impossible to believe a million positives.
Why cant I be what others see and know I am
Why do I care what others think when they are negative
Most important why do I let it dictate who I am now?
I am beauty in my own way, I will believe this one day and live by it

This was just a thought I had today as I listened to people compliment others and they had a hard time accepting what was said. It's in no way a cry for help or sympathy or explanations. It's just my thought and me putting myself in the same situation. 

A sub without a Dom is a confusing creature, we are unsure of who we are yet confident in who we should be. We need reassurance but wont take it from just anyone. We find ourselves lost and alone without guidance and yet strong and courageous because we need to be.

I have felt this way as I have submitted before. Given my all to one and to be alone and not have that leaves me lost.

 I know who I am as a woman and sub is part of me. I cant ever go back to being vanilla me because my soul and heart crave to serve. I now live to please someone and until that time comes I will strive to be the sub I think would make my one proud.

My brain is wired to make people happy and even without a Dom I will in every action I do think will this make him proud to call me his. I may walk alone right now keeping people at arms length but only because I am needing him to be the strong one who sweeps me away without me even seeing it was coming.

So to all those of us subs who feel lost always think am I making my future proud of me in my actions now. In doing that you will be the best you! We are never truly alone  

Hmm 2 years I've been here on cage,

2 years of friendships, experiences, heartaches, laughs, tears, many many lessons. 

In all this time I have learned so much about me! 

Trust my gut in every choice, love strong, give my all and best yet just be me.

There is no one like me for I am an Individual a rare find to the right one.

So 10 days (ha there it is again) late it's my 2 year growth day! 

To those of you who have crossed my path in my journey thank you for showing me a different part of me. To the one waiting to find me I will catch up eventually but right now I'm enjoying the walk at my pace  

Much love cagers 

J

I literally have nothing left in me and yet manage to find a way to push through another day. My brain is numb, my body is fighting every step and even showing outward signs of the long hours on my feet. All of this only to find out we may have to do it again very soon because of a minor mistake made by a department. 

California survey process is brutal this year and while we survived the overall feeling of my coworkers and myself is defeat, mixed with hope. 

I am sorry to those of you I may have been neglectful to. I am sorry to those I may not have responded to and more so I'm sorry to my friends for not being there. 

Hopefully after some relaxing I will be the old me again and blogging more. Till next time this subbie is dead on her feet and pushing through. 

Memories.......

Awesome songs on the ride home after a killer week at work. 

This girl is dead on her feet and looking forward to days off with no stress!

Today was a difficult day at work to say the least. I found my self with rubber bands around my wrist and 

Snap... made me stop and think

Snap.... kept me from strangling a coworker

Snap..... brought a calm

Snap...... slowly took the stress away

Snap....... left me clear headed

Yes there were more snaps but the whole thing brought me back to a calm place. It let me process the day of a crazy inspection and ground myself.

When I got settled in bed and tried to ready myself for another 3 days of this craziness at work I got lost in my music. Thank God I can still shut things out even when no one knows whats going on in my head. 

The club..
So I finally did it! I ventured out into the real world of BDSM.
My bestie and I went to a BDSM club to see what it was all about. We didnt go in a day where there was any scenes being played out or any chance of anything happening. We went to their orientation for people who are thinking of joining.
So I walked in 5 minutes late and my heart in my throat. We had to sit up front which was ok because I didnt have to look at the people around me. The two men talking about the rules of the club you could tell just from the way they talked they were Dominants.
I found myself looking around a little but never able to look directly in their eyes while they talked. This was a big challenge to me because if someone is teaching you or talking to you you look at their eyes. My sub side wouldnt let me because I had not earned that right.
Anyway the way they spoke commanded attention but was so soft and gentle. It was comforting. I kept looking around the main room while they spoke at the different things there.
The bug leather tables with the o rings, the chains from the ceiling, the pet cage, the st Andrew's crosses, all of the things I've read about right there. After they were done talking they let us take a tour and touch the equipment. My fingers grazed over some of the iron and chills went thru me. The different alcove rooms they had set up all of it was amazing and felt so right.
The fear I had walking in quickly left me as I felt that yes all that I've wanted was real this place made it that for me. To see and feel it let me know deep down I am on the right path. I have found my place and took a huge small step out of my comfort zone.
I cant wait to go back to see some of the classes they offer and learn even more. I crave the real world in this life so much more!
Side note if you go to a club and are sitting behind two women growling isnt the best way to make yourself known.. it's kinda intimidating... yep that really happened and I couldnt move away from that person fast enough, I mean come on they dont call Hollywood, hollyweird for nothing ?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 

It maybe seen with the eye, but can fade over time. A person's outside appearance will change with time but the inner beauty will never change, it just maybe hidden a little deeper. 

Remember make up washes off hair becomes gray and colors tend to dull, muscles become weak, bones frail but if you work on your inner beauty none of that will matter 

Nighttime is a scary place for me, the evils of the day flood my mind. The evils from the past creep in. They threaten to take away the girl I'm becoming. They make me doubt everything feel insecure and alone.
I've found people who take them away for awhile push them back but even they cant keep them gone long. People have a funny way of showing their true colors and play to one of my demons.
I have learned to trust in me, go with my gut and to always believe. The demons may play with me try to pull me under but I will fight and stand strong. I will not let them take me again.
I have a long road to travel and will make great mistakes along the way but I wont ever say a mistake I made was living in fear. I believe, have faith, trust, and love. I am strong and for those of you who took the chance to know me, even if a road bump caused you to fail me in one way or another I am blessed to have had you touch my life and guide me to who I am now. Thank you for holding my hand in times of need, thank you for support when things were looking good and most of all thank you for taking a chance on the shy girl and her road to discovery. I am a better version of me because of you.